Husband said he wants a ‘divorce’ after argument

[TierTired87]

New to Mumsnet. But feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

My husband and I had an argument on Sunday. We don’t argue often, but he tends to start them when they do. He’ll then go on and on and on until I retaliate and say something I regret. At which point I’m the b**ch and I get it in the neck for a few days afterwards for being ‘mean’.

Stupidly, I did a throwaway comment after being gone at for a good hour: “If you think that, why not just get divorced?”. SILLY, I know. But you know when you’re just pushed and pushed and you sometimes say something you don’t mean?

Anyway. Monday morning I apologised. I’ve had since “well, we’re getting divorced” and “let’s get Christmas out of the way and then we’ll separate”. When I explained I didn’t mean it he’s all “Well, maybe I do. It’s what you want.” - despite lots of apologies from me. He’s even gone so far as to start emailing lawyers.

If I bring it up, he says “you said it - so you want it.” type thing.

It almost feels like he’s enjoying it.

He also won’t sleep in the same room, which has led to DD asking questions.

During the argument he spoke to me like I was sh*t, and since he has done too. Although if I mention anything he has said, he says I am ‘twisting words’. I am not.

I don’t know if he’s just playing a massive game. Which I don’t think is fair over Christmas....or if he means it.

He won’t help with any Christmas prep.

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

Feel so lost and confused. and silly for making the stupid throwaway comment in the first place.

OP - again all in the script.

The fault is never with him, always with you. You will never win on this.

What course of action you take is up to you, and of course you may not make any instant decisions. But just think on it.

Cheap booze and a bunch of flowers eh. I take it that's your reward for allowing his abuse.

So he’s bought you Baileys and flowers and then proceeds to tell you “not to make mistakes” and apologise quicker and everything will be fine.
He obviously isn’t a controlling, nasty piece of work at all. Delightful, I hope you see the light.

That's just how he is and I need to work around it by not making "mistakes"

This is actually chilling op. Nothing you do will ever be quite right because he will move the behavioural goalposts whenever he wants. Can you see that?

He is a total and utter narcissist and trust me I have just left 1!

To take pleasure in seeing you afraid to actual be able to say anything without it escalating into an argument isn’t healthy at all and is not good for your mental wellbeing.

As for taking your house keys sorry but who even does that and he has no reason to other than wanting to have total control over you.

I used to have myself in total panic 24/7 incase I said 1 wrong thing and an argument started over nothing to the point I stopped talking and was just talked at not 2 like a normal adult conversation just him talking at me and me sitting thinking what had my life become I am acting like a scared child not wanting to talk unless spoken to or well at as was the case.

It’s scary and you want them to treat you the way that you do them and want them to love you the way you do them but sometimes want is all that is because it never happens no matter how long you keep trying to make it.

It is also scary to think about splitting up as you have your life as you think it should be played out in your head with you both growing old together but well are you together it does not sound like it and I actual feel for you so much.

I hope you manage to have a nice Christmas and a day of contentment at least.

Please take care

He has control of your money, so you've bought these yourself really.

So as long as you behave, he'll treat you like a person. Charming dude.

You and your daughter really deserve better. Don't let this be what she grows up to regard as normal. It's not.

Also, second PP saying you should check whether the accounts you don't have access to really are joint. And then get access, if they are. Stop letting him have control of the money.

There you go,,i was going to advise that you call his bluff and he'd bottle it but it seems he has already. Still it sounds less than ideal.

So he wants you to live with tiptoeing around his moods and grovelling in penance? How fun for you. I hope you don't mind dd doing the same - slinking about hoping not to set off Dad, apologising when it wasn't her fault just to appease him, adjusting her behaviour to suit him because that's just how he is. That should set her up super well for adult relationships with men.

I really hope that his latest utterances have cleared your vision. Because nothing is new about this.

It's still all your fault.

You make things right by behaving in exactly the way he wants you to.

He can't help it, so you have to appease him.

the hills are that way.

You also really, really need to check whether you are able to get access to the joint accounts - because if not, you can add financial abuse to the pot that already has emotional abuse in it.

That's just how he is and I need to work around it by not making "mistakes"

Fucking chilling hearing this. It's alarmingly close to "I didn't want to hit you but you drove me to it."

If you enjoyed the Baileys and flowers, remember that you bought them for yourself and that he views you accepting them as you accepting his behaviour.

You say you're reaching some sort of resolution now you're talking (or he's deemed you worthy of hearing his rules at least) and I can't tell if you're being sarcastic? I really hope you are. I really hope you don't think that after the way this man treats you, there is any healthy resolution that involves staying with him?

Him playing the devoted husband was him doing just that - playing a role. Which involved other people supporting him, other people thinking he is a 'good guy', other people telling you how lucky you are. A really decent man would have stepped up and taken extra care to ensure his kids were ok and had some sense of normality while their mum was ill. A really decent man would have reflected on how he has treated you over the years, had a reality check by you being ill and potentially losing you, and improved his behaviour. But then a decent man wouldn't have been such a prick over the years anyway.

You were in a physically abusive relationship before I think you said. That means it's likely youve thought over the years that he's been unkind to you but he can't be that bad because he doesn't hit you. All abuse is unacceptable.

Hiding your keys so you can't leave your home and return freely is fucking MENTAL. He is awful.

You have to change everything you do but he is just how he is.

LTB

And get access to your damn money. Stop putting your paycheque somewhere you don't have a password to.

Sorry OP I got you mixed up with a pp who wrote about how her DF coped with her DM who was like your DH.

I had read all the posts and they blended in.

You might have to tell your DH you can’t be happy being treated as a door mat and things have to change. Otherwise you will be seeking a divorce.

Speak to divorce solicitors just to ascertain your position financially should you divorce.

Stop putting so much into your joint accounts. You’re going to need a rainy day fund at some point.

Get access to the joint accounts as if your name is on the accounts you are jointly and severally liable for any debts run up on those accounts.

Would you get support from your parents if you left your H?

You're not going to come to a resolution with this man that will keep you happy op because he's an abuser who enjoys hurting you. Honestly he does.

You seem set to stay in this marriage so for now I'll advise you to educate yourself on the profiles of an abuser, try to get access to the joint accounts and put away some of your own money. Build your support network.

The only way this will ever stop is to leave.

Oh God. There's just no getting through.

Having a cheeky cigarette makes you sound ridiculous.

This man is playing with you. It is sport to pick on you and see how much he can get away with .

The amount of money that is going to joint accounts without you having any access is alarming..

I’d be really concerned about ‘savings’ not actually existing, debts (overdraft) being taken out in your joint names etc.

One thing I’d recommend is getting a credit report ASAP - if you both have your name on the account it should give you some background to who the account is with, any overdrafts on it, and an approx balance.

Take a deep breath, OP, you’re doing amazing.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

That's just how he is and I need to work around it by not making "mistakes"

Fucking chilling hearing this. It's alarmingly close to "I didn't want to hit you but you drove me to it."

If you enjoyed the Baileys and flowers, remember that you bought them for yourself and that he views you accepting them as you accepting his behaviour.

You say you're reaching some sort of resolution now you're talking (or he's deemed you worthy of hearing his rules at least) and I can't tell if you're being sarcastic? I really hope you are. I really hope you don't think that after the way this man treats you, there is any healthy resolution that involves staying with him?

Him playing the devoted husband was him doing just that - playing a role. Which involved other people supporting him, other people thinking he is a 'good guy', other people telling you how lucky you are. A really decent man would have stepped up and taken extra care to ensure his kids were ok and had some sense of normality while their mum was ill. A really decent man would have reflected on how he has treated you over the years, had a reality check by you being ill and potentially losing you, and improved his behaviour. But then a decent man wouldn't have been such a prick over the years anyway.

You were in a physically abusive relationship before I think you said. That means it's likely youve thought over the years that he's been unkind to you but he can't be that bad because he doesn't hit you. All abuse is unacceptable.

Hiding your keys so you can't leave your home and return freely is fucking MENTAL. He is awful.

This!. He IS awful

At best he sounds emotionally immature. He might have witnessed awful behaviour when his parents split and perhaps he thinks this is how relationships are, that he needs to have the upper hand at all times, you need to be 100% supportive at all times, regardless of his behaviour.

I’m not condoning this at all, just speculating. I have some family members rather like this- everything has to be their way or they throw a fit. I couldn’t tolerate a partner like that.

You are being manipulated. Wake up.

If he’s emailed lawyers.. took your keys... doesn’t sleep in the same room.. and is still bringing up a divorce despite who’s idea it was or whether it was a joke.

He wants a divorce.

Get a divorce.

He is trying to ‘teach you a lesson’. This isn’t healthy at all. Reclaim your keys and tell him to get fucked.

You need to find out just how much savings of yours he's keeping you from accessing.

OP here is a quick run down of his preferences for what happens next when it comes to his relationship status. You'll note that thoughts about you and the children don't feature anywhere.

Preference 1. Relationship where he can control, manipulate, gaslight and bully a woman

Preference 2. A divorce

Preference 18462923629. Do the work required to tackle his abusive behaviour before entering into a relationship again as his behaviour is controlling, financially abusive, emotionally abusive and cuntish.

You are teaching your daughter that men are entitled to dictate the mood of a house, that men are entitled to demand the women in their lives modify their own behaviour instead of expecting a man to regulate his, that men get the final say and that women are not entitled to have autonomy over their finances or decision making.

Are you comfortable with the fact that the longer you live with her under the same roof as him, perpetuating this dynamic that he's literally said he has no interest in working on from his side, the more likely she is to end up in a relationship modelled on this one when she's an adult?

If you can't raise your bar for yourself, do it for your kids.