Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

[Bluebellforest1]

New thread

[52andblue]

[quote Catmaiden]@SeaEagleFeather, my sympathies.

Exactly the same situation, here. Both our DC diagnosed, other of his family members, also.

But "D" H refuses to recognise it in himself 🙄[/quote]
Both my children now diagnosed.
My soon to be ExH is not, (though he and his late Father clearly are)
He is very keen for me to claim DLA for the kids and talks about 'how exhausting' they are. But not keen on doing much for them (and their 'extra needs'). Is more interested if they show interest in one of his special interests. It's not entirely about the ASD though.
My kids are much nicer.

[Daftasabroom]

@HelpWendy I haven't coped, not really.

At first DW was charming, easy going, gregarious, ambitious, hard working. She is also the most beautiful and simultaneously pretty person I have ever met, to this day when she smiles I melt. There were a few early red flags but I always put them down to something else.

We met, got engaged, married in two years. Six months later she gave up working, TBF it was a shit company, but she hasn't really had a career job since.

DS1 came along and I just put the ever increasing flags down to hormones, tiredness, etc. The madness just built up, looking back now I don't know how I didn't see it. I just had my head down trying to support my wife and DS.

We had DS2 and we've descended into a life of madness ever since.

Ultimately I don't trust DW to look after the boy's, she is fantastic on the surface but any deeper than that she just can't engage.

She is not a bad person, she really is lovely. Just not everything I need.

[Skye99]

@Daftasabroom I feel for you. It’s interesting (in a sad way) to hear about this situation from a male perspective.

[19thNamechange]

@bluebellforest1 thank you for the welcome. I will read through the other threads x

[Otter71]

@BunsyGirl

Does anyone have experience of an elderly person with undiagnosed Aspergers/autism? I am sure that this applies to my father. His behaviour has deteriorated over the past 12 months and I’m not sure how to deal with it, other than cutting him completely out of my life, as he’s making it so miserable. But he has no other family apart from my brother who is not interested and no friends whatsoever so I feel guilty about cutting him off.

Was he always like this or is it a new thing? You say it has got worse in last 12 months making autism less likely. Unfortunately some early signs of dementia are similar to those of Autism. Is that possible?

[NeurotypicalLyPrivileged]

Hi Otter71. Could you expand on the dementia/autism overlap? There is so much general misunderstanding about autism, particularly around autism without learning difficulties, but this sounds like you have discovered something that has been properly researched. Would be really interested to read more if possible!

[Ticotico]

Joining this thread as it is now obvious that my dh is asc. Ds was diagnosed asc, adhd, spd, pda 2 years ago when he was 10. Very intelligent, creative boy who masked successfully at school till it got too much in year 6.

When ds was diagnosed, dh and I had the realisation that he’s also likely asc. Lockdown has brought huge difficulties for us - I can no longer cope with his shutdowns/silent treatment and realise that I’ve been minimising the impact of his shutdowns/silent treatment/sulks/passive aggressive/sexually coercive behaviour for decades. Late last year something broke, and I can’t do it any more.

We’re having relate counselling which is so so hard, but is helping him realise that his behaviours aren’t easy to deal with. I think (we’re not really talking atm) that he’s got an appointment with a counsellor to non-clinically diagnose asc.

But I’m not sure our marriage will survive this. If it doesn’t, I can’t refuse him time with the kids but he and asc ds really don’t understand each other. He doesn’t do parenting any more, it’s up to me. I’m so tired. Ds slapped me in the face and punched me in the stomach today when I was trying to get him to come off Minecraft and have a bath. I am DS’s biggest (and only) advocate at school and home, yet he still thinks I’m mean and evil. Dd is a happy, grounded, creative, self aware tomboy who really struggles with the amount of my time and energy it takes to sort out Ds.

[Skye99]

Hi @Ticotico. Welcome to the thread. Sending you best wishes. I get a lot of negativity from my teenage son with ASC too. Happily he wants to have showers now!

[HelpWendy]

I agree. Harder to fathom though. The traits make more sense in the context of a man, but a woman and mother, once spotted Id say you feel even harder done by. I really hope you find your happiness ans you have one small thing of your own every day that keeps you going. X

[HelpWendy]

That was directed to @Daftasabroom and @Skye99

[friendlygal79]

Hi everyone
Havnt written for a while but life is unbearable atm! I’ve been up crying for hours and in the lonely depths of night I didn’t know what to do with myself so I read this thread.
It has helped and I’m no longer bawling my eyes out as I no longer feel alone in the world. I know you all understand!
Lockdown has been really difficult here to. It has definitely highlighted what we don’t have together- a connection! 😥
Recently my beautiful little dog died who I loved with all my heart. My sister sent me a poem about a dog in heaven. I obviously became tearful. I was asked by h what was wrong. I told him. He shut the door and went to bed. I was heartbroken to think that anyone could do that. However this was a trigger to all the other times he’s done exactly that. Along with a few other horrible remarks and insults has made me spiral downwards into what seems dispair.
I told him how unhappy I feel and that I don’t feel valued or that I even exist anymore. He later shouted at me ‘carry on in your own miserable f.... world’!
I cannot put into words the loneliness I feel. He tells me he loves me after every phone call but it does not seem to be said with any meaning behind it. Just empty words!
He now wants me to be ok with him and if I respond in a way that he doesn’t expect he asks me ‘what the hell is wrong now?’
I have bounced back so many times but the older I get the harder it’s becoming. I almost feel dead but I’m alive, non existent!
We have separate beds now and hardly speak but he can live like this for ever.... I can’t!
He helps practically but cannot meet my emotional needs whatsoever.
Really wish I had ended this marriage years ago when I was younger but I suppose I always hoped and prayed that one day things would be different.
I was so busy working full time, raising 4 children, attending college etc that I had no time to see what was actually staring me in the face all along. My children have all left home now and With lockdown also I am truly at my lowest and it simply doesn’t matter to him!
If I raise any issue with him, he flips it back on me. He is in total denial, dismisses everything.
It has really helped writing this down but I’m sorry if I have bored you all to tears?
Felt so alone and unloved I just didn’t know what to do
Love to all of you on here who are experiencing similar. My heart goes out to you! Keep being you and keep strong! ❤️💪

[Bluebellforest1]

Hi @friendlygal79
Just a quick reply now as I’m on my phone. I remember some of your previous posts and I’m in a similar situation to you in many ways. Just wanted to send you love, I’ll write more later. X

[Skye99]

Hi @friendlygal79 You haven’t bored me at all! It sounds very familiar! Except that my H has stopped dismissing any issue I have with the way he treats me. He admits that some things are not right – but it doesn’t make any difference in practice. He just keeps doing them (like talking without listening).

Sending love and best wishes.

[Lovelydaybut]

Can I come on board here?
I have a son who has Aspergers and he copes very well in mainstream school and isn’t particularly demanding.
I very strongly suspect dh also has asd and he’s also very high functioning.
But he’s just so hard to deal with sometimes.
If I disagree with him or contradict him, he immediately walks off and hides. If I pursue it further, he says I’m bullying him and I’m abusive.
When I try to tell him how I feel if he’s upset me, he often responds with eye rolling and telling me why I’m wrong.

He crossed a line earlier this year and did the hiding thing again when I asked him to stop doing the thing that was upsetting me.
I had promised myself that I would leave the next time he did the hiding- it’s just not how adults behave and I’m tired of it.
But we were in lockdown and so didn’t have anywhere that felt safe to go.
So here we are.
I’ve told him that he’s really hurt me and I would have left but for lockdown.
And he looked sad and then shrugged and went on his day.
We get on ok from day to day, but it’s slowly slowly depressing me more and more.

He chose to be right in an argument with somebody every when I was asking him to sort it. It wasn’t his argument, he could have walked away so easily but he couldn’t cope with some somebody else being wrong in his eyes without him correcting them. I begged him to stop and he didn’t. And now I have the ick and I feel numb

[colouringindoors]

Hi everyone. I've been lurking on these threads for ages, want to share my thoughts now.

It took me years and years to work out why I was so unhappily married. To a decent guy.

Then years ago I began to suspect that my daughter was on the spectrum. And lots of reading happened and I quickly became certain. So managed to get her assessed and lo and behold camhs agreed. I asked my dh during the process if he thought she was. He had no idea. I saw many ASD traits in him.

We ended up in Relate. I articulated that I would say anything to him and would be met with a blank stare. Could be the weather, could be I was really unhappy. Nothing. But worse than that, when I was upset about something, he'd look at me like I was a total weirdo and I began to wonder if I had mental health problems.

A big crunch came when he told me something utterly devastating. I was so upset, I walked out of the restaurant. When he caught up with me he could not understand why I was upset, he'd just been honest (after lying for 6 months) and was angry with me for embarrassing him.

I gradually learned (with some helpful counselling) that my (emotional) reactions to stuff, events, were normal, healthy ones. His were utterly dysfunctional. But he wouldn't see that.

This is a very short version.

We have been separated for 3 years. I haven't missed him because there is nothing to miss. He never supported me emotionally. He made me question my sanity! His constant blank face meant I stopped talking to him about anything as his response made me feel worse.

I have two dcs and was brought up Catholic. I'm definitely the one in my friendship group no-one ever imagined would get divorced. But I will be soon.

I don't want to be overdramatic, but being married to him, with his ASD traits, was toxic. Damaging. Unhealthy. Don't get me wrong things aren't easy now for other reasons, but God was it the right decision.

I read your posts and it makes my heart ache.

These guys may be decent guys, but often they're not capable of deep relationships with emotional connection. And if that's what you need (it is a real human need), then please don't feel bad for thinking of separating.

Something I read a while back talked about micro injuries/abuse and while these men's responses may not come from a bad place, or intend to harm, they Are harmful over time and in number.

So, take care, and be kind to yourselves 💐💐💐

[AspergersWife]

Just found this thread and so relieved! I've struggled for years with my husband til he got a diagnosis of Aspergers, and our son has recently been diagnosed too. I'm currently investigating counselling for myself as I'm so sick of living a half life. I think lockdown has finished off my last iota of patience with my husband.

[Lovelydaybut]

Mine is a bit more emotionally literature tbh
It’s just that he seems to run out of options when it gets really tough so he just shuts down and that’s that.
He’s a good dad but I do the emotional regulation stuff as he’s likely to fly off the handle too.
He often defers to me and says he knows I do the emails to school and managing this side of our lives
He is estranged from his family and has a few very old friends that he never really talks to in any depth.
It’s very quiet in our house with the two of them self absorbed and able to entertain themselves.

[Lovelydaybut]

We have had a laugh over the years and I did love him very much but I can’t get my head round me begging him to stop and him deciding not to so he could be proved right in the end.
And then getting upset with me for trying to prevent him form having his free speech.
I told him what damage it would do but he still did it

[Skye99]

Thank you, @colouringindoors. That is helpful.

[Skye99]

Welcome to the thread, @Lovelydaybut. I know what you mean about hiding. When my H does something that makes me unhappy, I used to mind the fact that he didn’t care how I felt about it, when I complained, more than the thing itself. Now I just expect him not to care.

I have to face the fact that he’s probably never going to consider me before he does things.

[AspergersWife]

I'm trying to catch up on all the threads now I've discovered this, it's so hard and reading through all these stories makes me feel for you all - as well as myself. I hope you don't mind if I join in and get some stuff off my chest.

My husband was diagnosed about 3 years ago and since then has totally embraced his aspie traits. He now sort of looks down on NT people, thinks he's smarter than everyone. Admitted he 'mimicked' or 'masked' me into a marriage but since kids came along he's too exhausted to keep it up. He said he was miserable as always pretending, but now he's given up making any effort to be an 'average' person I am miserable. He's spent the entire past year getting more and more addicted to his PS4 games. He's built a small group of online friends which is great actually, as he's never had mates before, but the fact is he can manage to chat to them about issues beyond just the game. Yet if I ask him to spend some time with me he'll just stare at his phone or laptop, not talking. Won't discuss a film to watch. Can't talk about a topic unless it's something he's interested in, and then it's just a very one-sides rant from his side. I spend every evening sat alone or with our dog once the kids are in bed. He's told me he feels comfortable in the gaming scenario, it helps him to relax and he can open up and chat over his headset, so I suppose he just really doesn't feel that with me.

He's essentially happy with our life the way it is. He works for himself around 10 hours a day, doesn't have to interact with anyone except emails, comes home and sees the kids for an hour or so before their bedtime, then just games all night. At weekends he just seems to sleep the days away unless I force him out for a family walk or direct him to take the kids to their grandad or the park if I am busy.

I am totally financially reliant on him, due to various things I left my career after having our second child and set up a small business. It makes me happy to have my own hours that work around the school run, as he'll never step up to do that, but it makes barely any money. So although I'm not happy with the status quo at all, I can't afford to leave or ask him to go.

The other issue stopping me from making any decisions is the kids. They adore him and think it's normal that Daddy has his own bedroom away from Mummy and they can watch tv there while he just sleeps if Mummy has to go out. I can't trust him with them at all so I don't know how access would work even if I did manage to go. He'd probably want 50/50 access even though I know he wouldn't be able to care for them properly. I think deep down I'm biding my time until they're old enough not to need so much care. Then if things are the same I'd have to make a change. But our son has just been diagnosed as high functioning ASD so perhaps that day won't come, as he'll always need that extra support and I can't see my husband ever being capable.

Sometimes after I've talked to him about how much he ignores me, he'll try to make more effort. It'll last maybe 2 days, sometimes as long as a week, but then go right back to how it was. Those times when he's trying are so nice that I realise most of the time I don't actually want us to split - I just want him to be the guy he apparently was pretending to be. Funny, conversation, a companion who was interested in things other than just a screen. But then at other times I'm wondering 'he seems happy, but is he masking right now?' Whats the point of he's just pretending? Constantly second guessing what's going on. So I can never fully relax and enjoy what little time we do have together before the gaming sucks him back in.

I've made enquiries with a few therapists and I'm hoping I can find one who knows about ASD. We've tried counselling in the past but it was useless because the techniques really didn't apply to him. If anyone has any recommendations please let me know! And thank you if anyone has read this. It's nice to know I'm not totally alone in this situation even though I feel so isolated.

[Lovelydaybut]

💋

[colouringindoors]

aspergerwife 💐💐💐

[Skye99]

Welcome, @AspergersWife. I have every sympathy with you.

I wonder if your husband’s gaming friends mainly do superficial conversation, whereas with you more is expected of him, which he finds harder. My H doesn’t seem to like emotional intimacy, or physical intimacy come to that. (He did act quite differently before we were married. I wouldn’t have married him if he had been like he is now.)