Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

[Bluebellforest1]

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Thanks @Skye99 but he tells me sometimes what they talk about, definitely not superficial. They've discussed his depression and their mental health issues, jobs/careers, family stuff, kid problems and so on. I don't get actual conversation, I get reports of their conversation.

I think the crunch point for me has come recently as a woman has joined their team/crew or whatever it is called on this game. Somehow being ignored in favour of a bunch of blokes was bad, but feels worse to me that he's spending his evenings chatting to her about stuff he wouldn't talk to with me. E.g He's heard about her traumatic birth stories, problems with breastfeeding and so on, things which I have experienced with our children and he's never wanted to talk about. I hear him being very empathetic when he's telling me about what she's been through, and I'm like 'me too! Where's any emotion for me?' I feel like if he's capable of talking on this level with someone he's never met, he could manage to sustain a dialogue with me. I know men and women can be platonic friends, so I'm not worried about cheating/sexual stuff, it's more the level of attention and effort he can put in. I should be the most important woman in his life! Yet he'll just sleep our weekend away as if me and the kids don't exist, but stay up for hours talking to the group of gamers. So they're getting the best of him and we get the exhausted grump. I've chatted to him yet again about finding the balance between real world and online world, maybe watching a film together once a week. He acts as if I'm demanding the moon or something, 'we watched that film at the weekend, I want to play my game' (it was about 7 weekends ago, or more.) like a sulky teenage boy.

Aspergerwife big hugs 🥰🥰🥰 I can so relate xxx

@AspergersWife - my advice to you wpuld be to set up a zoom call with Carol Griggs, she is a specialist therpist dealing with spouses of people with aspergers etc. A lovely woman who understands it all. Its not at all expensive and completly worth it.

www.carolgriggcounselling.com.au/Information

My husband is going through an assessment for ASD at the moment. It has been such a confusing chapter in my life, confused my sense of the world and thrown my expectations of marraige and family life up in the air. I'm feeling okay today, but sometimes I feel like I am such turmoil. But slowly I am starting to trust myself again, after years of believing I had lost it. Please reach out to Carol, shes a lovely person. Big love x

@AspergersWife And dont be put off by her being based in Sydney, she speaks to people all over, one of benefits of our now Zoom culture! Im in the UK.

Thanks for the welcome and my sympathy is extended to everyone else.
I have been reading some of the other posts in the other threads and I realise that my husband hasn’t said he loves me for as long as I can remember.
He does do nice things for me and I get flowers snd a little present now and then which is fab.
He says his actions speak louder than the words and I shouldn’t need the words.

I’m not sure how all that feels tbh.

I’ve accepted it and so that’s how we work.
I realise I don’t tell him anymore, but I tell my child I love him every day

@Lovelydaybut Hi. I sort of have the opposite with that. H says 'love you' most nights, but it's by rote, he's reciting it as part of us going through the daily routine. On the surface it's nice, but it doesn't actually make me feel loved, it's basically meaningless. I'd prefer a show of love via some affection, touch, meaningful conversation or presence. He doesn't think to get me gifts, he has ignored some occasions in the past so now I give him a list of options to choose from for my birthdays and Christmas. He usually buys a lot or everything off the list because that's easier than actually looking and him putting in the effort to select one thing he thinks I might like. So I'll have 2 almost identical sets of nail polish or whatever, but he thinks he's the best husband in the world because it's something I wanted.

Now that lockdown is easing, I feel optimistic on one hand as the past year he kept telling me 'it'll be better after lockdown'. Maybe it will? But on the other hand I've seen how isolated he's been this year and how it's been his perfect world. He doesn't really want to go back out into the real world now, I suspect. We attempted to meet my friend in a beer garden and he had a panic attack. He has a lot of anxiety connected to covid, but had his first jab and has been more confident since. We could have gone out to eat outside lately, but he always blocks that idea. 'Maybe next week, maybe after the next easing, maybe when it's warmer.' I suppose I should just be happy that he actually came with me to the beer garden at all. It all feels like crumbs though. Then I second guess my emotions, because he is a good man and I know he doesn't mean to hurt me, so wonder if I'm being selfish expecting more from him? I wish I could switch my brain off!

Thanks @HelpWendy I'll have a look. I'm quite limited with when I can talk freely so not sure how that might work with time differences! I've heard back from one therapist who is offering a free 30 min chat so hoping to get that set up next week.

I don't really know what I'm hoping to get out of any counselling. Maybe I'm looking for ways to keep our marriage going, or maybe to find the mental strength to end it. H used to see a counsellor who had Aspergers herself, but he implied that she fully supported his isolated way of life and that marriages between NT and ASD couples cannot work. He kept saying he'll see a counsellor himself, but his previous one isn't doing appointments at all due to lockdown, and he doesn't want to find a new one. I suspect because she validated everything he wanted to do, and encouraged him to do exactly as he pleased, and a different one might actually give him suggestions for changes.

@Lovelydaybut did you copy and paste from one of old posts?

I too cannot remember the last time DW told me loved me. She says she wouldn't be with me if she didn't love me, and that's meant to be okay. I have told her that I need to hear it, but I just get one of those blank looks mentioned up thread.

She simply cannot imagine that someone essentially in the same position as her might feel differently. It is isn't a lack of empathy just a lack of ability.

She is very self-absorbed but has very little self awareness. Some of the habits she has built up are incredibly subtle but at the same time extremely damaging.

For instance, she can only imagine her own thoughts or wishes or ideas and cannot really appreciate any other. This has morphed over the years to questioning everything, to disagreeing with everything even when she has no alternative, to disagreeing even when I agree with her.

I can't remember the last time she agreed with me on anything, it's utterly exhausting and makes me dread every interaction with her. And that's not how a marriage should be.

@Daftasabroom I don’t think it’s how a marriage should be either. My H also disagrees a lot. But in his case more when he’s feeling self-pitying or angry (which is a lot of the time). He seems to like being obstructive. Maybe it makes him feel better.

However, he also fakes answers a lot when he’s talking without listening. So if he ‘agrees’ with me he often doesn’t actually mean it.

He can agree or disagree with his words without considering or caring what is actually true or what his actual view is. Maybe your DW has got into a habit of disagreeing with you. It sounds like she doesn’t always mean what she is conveying.

@AspergersWife Big hugs from me too. That sounds dreadful. I would feel the same as you. I think you should be the most important woman in his life too. It sounds like he is just suiting himself and not considering your interests at all. Which is what my H does too.

Just speculating, but I wonder if it feels easier to him talking online than in RL, as he can easily stop if he wants to? Whereas in RL that’s harder?

I don’t say that to make any excuse.

I don’t think you’re being selfish wanting more when it comes to going out together. I think most women are just made to want attention and connection. Even if someone doesn’t mean to hurt you, it still hurts if you want to spend time together and they don’t.

When it comes to expecting more, though, I think that’s only worth doing if the other person has some willingness to make adjustments in the way they behave, for your benefit. I have given up expecting this. My H will say loads of stuff about making adjustments, but he doesn’t do any of it.

[quote Daftasabroom]@Lovelydaybut did you copy and paste from one of old posts?

I too cannot remember the last time DW told me loved me. She says she wouldn't be with me if she didn't love me, and that's meant to be okay. I have told her that I need to hear it, but I just get one of those blank looks mentioned up thread.

She simply cannot imagine that someone essentially in the same position as her might feel differently. It is isn't a lack of empathy just a lack of ability.

She is very self-absorbed but has very little self awareness. Some of the habits she has built up are incredibly subtle but at the same time extremely damaging.

For instance, she can only imagine her own thoughts or wishes or ideas and cannot really appreciate any other. This has morphed over the years to questioning everything, to disagreeing with everything even when she has no alternative, to disagreeing even when I agree with her.

I can't remember the last time she agreed with me on anything, it's utterly exhausting and makes me dread every interaction with her. And that's not how a marriage should be.[/quote]
Not sure what you are asking tbf.

^This has morphed over the years to questioning everything, to disagreeing with everything even when she has no alternative, to disagreeing even when I agree with her.

I can't remember the last time she agreed with me on anything, it's utterly exhausting and makes me dread every interaction with her. And that's not how a marriage should be.^

This was one of the things that destroyed our marriage too. Now and then I even played a game, how quickly would he disagree with me if I said an opinion which he'd already voiced a few months ago. Eventually I stopped communicating at all with him; I stepped back and treated him as one of the more awkward customers from when I worked in a shop. Keep calm, never lose your temper, look forward to them walking out of the door. Unfortunately he always came back in.

broom, i was able eventually to leave, though it was years after I wanted to and he's hollowed me out. I hope one day you, and all the other trapped people, can leave.

catmaiden how are you doing

Still keeping on, keeping on.
Running the farm and doing estate jobs, loving my single life in the annexe without Stbxh.

Stbxh has totally brainwashed DD and poisoned her against me, DS is already against me, I am fighting a, legal battle to get STBXH out of MY family home (which is in a trust, that says it and the estate reverts to my possession on separation or divorce)
DD is welcome to stay there, or with me, or in one of the holiday lets. DS has his own place , where he works.

Stbxh, don't know where he'll go, Don't give a shit either.

Playing hardball now, with a SHSolicitor

Really glad to hear you can defend yourself catmaiden. The alternative would have been unbearable. I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. With time perhaps she will see through the brainwashing.

Hi everyone. Does anyone who has left have any tips for getting out please? I'm a long- time lurker. Pretty sure DP has ASD and I just can't do it any more. So lonely in this relationship plus lots of unacceptable behaviours. Stuck it out in the hope of change and communication but it's not happened and I've had enough.
Had The Talk recently, at which he was unexpectedly calm not the raging monster I was anticipating based on past behaviour. Followed by him not speaking to me and now he seems to have forgotten it and is acting like that didn't happen. It's taken me years to have the courage to do this and I need to push it through. I'm already so exhausted as this relationship has sucked the life out of me. Thanks

FitinaBit I would recommend paying for a couple of hours of time with a good family solicitor so you get a reasonable understanding of how things might work financially etc. Many do a set price (discounted) for this initial consultation - I found it extremely helpful. Best of luck.

@Lovelydaybut apologies, that should have been two posts. The reference was to your previous post re "I love you". It's how DW cannot fathom how what matches her needs might not match mine - striking similarities.

@Ijsbear haha, I play that game too! It's a bit playing word association with someone who thinks we're playing word disassociation.

DW what shall we have for dinner?
Me I'll do a curry if you like...
DW No I've had too many curries recently
Me What about pizza
DW I'm good with curry...

@Catmaiden I feel for you re DD. It seems for some that there cannot be any "lived experience" among the people closest to them that differs their own. When combined with a lifetime of masking and insecurity I would imagine to that can be rather toxic.

(Trying to choose my words carefully, and failing!)

@AspergersWife I was thinking 'he sounds just like a teenage boy' before even getting to the end of your post. It doesn't sound like a marriage or marriage of equals at all. So sorry that he hasn't been sympathetic or empathetic to you and your birth experiences. What he might be doing now with that woman is exhibiting learnt behaviour that he would soon drop if he knew her well enough and didn't have to do that any more.

He does do nice things for me and I get flowers snd a little present now and then which is fab. He says his actions speak louder than the words and I shouldn’t need the words

You shouldn't need words.....according to him maybe. Have you tried telling him that a relationship is about two people - you can't really prescribe what someone does or doesn't need. Your needs aren't abnormal - most people like to hear nice things as well as see the doing part. One doesn't need to choose between them.

@EarthSight

He does do nice things for me and I get flowers snd a little present now and then which is fab. He says his actions speak louder than the words and I shouldn’t need the words

You shouldn't need words.....according to him maybe. Have you tried telling him that a relationship is about two people - you can't really prescribe what someone does or doesn't need. Your needs aren't abnormal - most people like to hear nice things as well as see the doing part. One doesn't need to choose between them.

@Lovelydaybut

It’s so good to find this thread. I’m struggling massively in my marriage. Ds - teenager- was diagnosed Aspergers a few years ago. Lockdowns weren’t kind - ds didn’t cope, didn’t do any online learning, missed exams etc : (

I broke and couldn’t cope with dh behaviour anymore, as well as everything else. It has become really obvious that dh is also on the spectrum.

The problem is that, historically, I coped. I did all of the research, learning, paediatrician appointments etc with ds to get his diagnosis. I deakt with all of the house/mental load work as I knew dh couldn’t do it (I didn’t realise that this was due to asc till recently). For decades, I’ve dealt with all of dh’s passive aggressive silent treatments by just minimising the effect of the shouting and throwing things,, and just letting him be. I’d get me and the kids out of the house to leave him to cool off. Inevitably, 3-4 days later when he was done with stonewalling he’d just go back to normal and, unfortunately, I accepted that.I dealt with his cross reactions to the kids behaviours by joking about it. I’ve let the children stay in their rooms on their iPads to avoid having to walk on eggshells around dh ....I’ve minimised it all.

But, after a particularly huge silent treatment a few months ago, I broke. I can’t deal with it any more, I am using all of my energy coping with asc ds and his schooling, aggressive home behaviour etc, whilst keeping myself and dd afloat. Dh doesn’t parent either child any more. Dh and I have not actually talked more than a few words to each other for months now,

I don’t know what to do. We’re having counselling, which is highlighting the fact that dh is on the spectrum. But, it’s also highlighting the fac5 that this is who he is, he’s not going to be able to change what he can and cannot cope with. And I haven’t got the mental capacity, any more, to deal with him as well as the children :(

The counsellor says we should ‘just’ talk. But I can’t, as dh’s mental health is low (self harm) and I worry I’ll make it worse.

I can’t go back to where we were, and just minimise everything again, as it was starting to affect the children.

What do I do?

Piazola you have to prioritise yourself and your children. You need to be mentally ok so you can carry on being The parent to your children. And to enable that you might need some space between you and dh.

@colouringindoors Thanks. I've had a recommendation today for a solicitor who does an initial free session, so I'll try that first.