Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

[Bluebellforest1]

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Can anyone help advise me.. I’m also wondering if dh is in the spectrum have been for a few years now but don’t want to write the examples here. Anyone care to dm me? Feeling pretty low and feel like I’m going mad and maybe it me and I’m imagining it or reading too much into things or as he says being over dramatic..

How old is DD Catmaiden? That sounds tough. Have you talked with her about what is going on.

Well we are not great here. DH is in hospital due to Covid and I am also unwell. The kids especially ds are full of energy and fed up with being locked in the house and I have little energy to entertain them.

DD is 22, at uni. Diagnosed ASD plus Dyspraxia. Easily swayed.
H is being very difficult.
Trying to sort out very complicated finances re divorce.

@Cantspeakpublic, the reality is that people are different and examples from one person might not help you that much.

I’d advise you to read the previous threads. They will give you a pretty good idea of what happens/living with someone on the spectrum

Thanks but I’m so confused and he is such a good talker it feels like it’s me that’s the problem. I feel guilty for feeling how I do.
One thing he does is talk logic with situations and tends to see a situation from his point of view. So if I said for example could we not do xyz but he thought it was ok he would plough on. Even if I have said no. Because there is a logical reason which he explains he can’t understand my reasonsing and says I’m over the top.
Is it too simplistic for me to think he is not respecting my feelings? Or am I not respecting his? I’m scrambled

[quote TonMoulin]@Cantspeakpublic, the reality is that people are different and examples from one person might not help you that much.

I’d advise you to read the previous threads. They will give you a pretty good idea of what happens/living with someone on the spectrum[/quote]
I think you second statement is a little unfair. These threads are only representing the lived experience of the posters on these threads. Only unhappy partners post here. These are not representative of all NT/ND relationships.

They’re certainly not representative of mine.

I'm not sure I qualify to be on here, but it strikes a chord with me. I may be able to help others where I couldn't help myself.

I was married to a man with ASD for 25 years and with him almost 30 years. Had many trials. But it wasn't until we divorced and I've moved in a different direction that I can see things clearly from the outside in, if you know what I mean.

Both our biological children have ASD and it's been my journey with them, mostly since I left, that has taught me the most about my previous marriage,

I understand how my EXH ticks now, too late for us, but might be of help to others. I've had many lightbulb moments in the last 8 years.

@NeurotypicalPrivilege, you’re right there. It represents what happens from the spouse pov only. And when things don’t go well...
It is a starting point though, esp when you are lost and can’t understand why on Earth your spouse reacts in a certain way or of it’s you who is loosing the plot.
What it doesn’t do is give you is a template on how to be (because each individual is different). Or a diagnosis. Or if the issues you have are an AS/NT issue or if the person in front of you is just a twat. Or how things can look like when things go well.

FWIW @Cantspeakpublic, I have a good friend who is diagnosed with ASD/PDA (?). She is excellent at talking and we can have lovely and very insightful discussions together. She also needs to follow the rules and be logical and she can't comprehend why others don’t do that. She easily puts that under being unprofessional in the work setting for example. And will push and insist and demand that people do things the ‘right way’.

@Cantspeakpublic

Thanks but I’m so confused and he is such a good talker it feels like it’s me that’s the problem. I feel guilty for feeling how I do. One thing he does is talk logic with situations and tends to see a situation from his point of view. So if I said for example could we not do xyz but he thought it was ok he would plough on. Even if I have said no. Because there is a logical reason which he explains he can’t understand my reasonsing and says I’m over the top. Is it too simplistic for me to think he is not respecting my feelings? Or am I not respecting his? I’m scrambled

if it's any help, this was exactly my experience.

I wondered if he was just abusive ('just') but something felt wrong about, he was a bit ... -other- ... and autism fit better. now our oldest has been clearly diagnosed, it's so obvious in hindsight that ex is too ... And that 1) he doesn't want to acknowledge it and 2) he can't learn more helpful ways of communicating becuase he thinks that his overlogic is the way to do things (despite, as his best friend says, he takes positions based on his feelings but other people are only allowed to have positions based on pure logic!)

To someone who is apparently only working on logic, emotion does seem irrational. But to most human beings, feelings and emotions as well as logic must have their place to be complete, rounded people. Regulated emotions are necessary. Babies and children need parents/caregivers who can be emotionally sensitive to them. It is absolutely essential to grow up well balanced, and even as adult we need emotional connections.

Even autistic people can -feel- very lonely.

Whatever the reason for it, it's also NOT ok to plough on over someone's stated reservations. It's a direct negation of their pov and by extension, them.

In truth, your partner may be autistic or it may be somethign else, or he may be abusive. But your experience at the moment is making you very unhappy and negated. That's a bad way to live, lovely.

I feel this thread would help me enormously! Have NC but been around for a good few years.
DH has been seeing a counsellor for a while now, finally after years of suffering from depression. Our relationship has been at breaking point a few months ago because of his behaviour relating to this and although things are still very rocky the counselling and now medications are definitely helping.
Recently his therapist suggested he may have ASD and initial testing through her and via GP suggest he scores very highly for this.
It makes so much sense and would fit in very much with how he acts and some of the problems between us this causes.
He is incredibly intelligent, an engineer, yet emotionally struggles so much. He can't understand my need for a hug if we've had a row even if I ask for one. He would rather sleep on the sofa than in bed with me if I'm not in the mood, because 'what's the point if we're not having sex'.
He falls into rages that he can't control (never towards me or the kids) and acts like a tantrumming toddler. Recently we had a row because he refused to listen to my point of view as he knew he was right so there was no need.

I realise I have listed a lot of issues and nothing really good but he does have his good points, I just feel a build up of so many issues over the last 11 years of marriage.
I am waiting for a GP appointment to discuss my eldest DS too as feel he fits many of the same traits.

I started to read the first thread and will read the others when I get some time.

@Cantspeakpublic I agree with SeaEagleFeather. It’s not OK for a man to ignore his wife’s feelings and POV (or vice versa of course), and it’s a bad way to live.

My H ignores my POV too. He pays lip service to the idea of taking it into account, but consistently fails to do so. I have lost hope of improvement.

The problem is whenever I say something he has a really great intelligent way of talking his way around it. Makes me then think it’s me. He’s so logical and in the latest one even though I had said no to something because my no did not make sense to him and he carried on anyway he made me sound unreasonable. I said it didn’t matter if it didn’t make sense to him or not but that surely because I said no he should respect that? (Wasn’t anything major at all but the principle should remain surely)

@Cantspeakpublic That might be cognitively intelligent, but it’s not emotionally intelligent, at least if you aim to get on with your partner! It sounds more like rationalising a selfish desire to get your own way.

Have you had a look at Leslie Vernick’s website? She says that a marriage needs mutual honesty, respect and compassion. If one partner consistently disregards the other’s wishes and feelings, that’s not respectful or compassionate.

exactly what skye said. Rationalising a selfish desire to have your own way.

startingtomakesense He can't understand my need for a hug if we've had a row even if I ask for one. He would rather sleep on the sofa than in bed with me if I'm not in the mood, because 'what's the point if we're not having sex'

He falls into rages that he can't control (never towards me or the kids) and acts like a tantrumming toddler. Recently we had a row because he refused to listen to my point of view as he knew he was right so there was no need.

again .. he's unable to understand intuitively a normal person/woman's needs. From what I read, it can be learned .. but your partner has to acknowledge that it's necessary. I think you need to grasp the nettle here and say that no, this way of behaving isn't a successful strategy for a marriage that satisfies both people, and he needs to take action if he wants a successful marriage.

Are you financially independent? Realising that they might lose someone tends to make a husband/wife sit up, whether ASD or not.

I have been wondering about some of DH behaviour.

One of the things he does is to talk to himself under his breath. You can never make out words but the rythm and tone is. One of anger and having a go at someone.
He tries very hard to hide it and will only do that if he thinks he is alone.
Would you say it’s. Some sort of slimming?

The other one is his total inability to take a decision.
Last summer, he went for a walk with dc1 and dc2. Dc2 got lost (long story there). After 2 hours trying to find him, it’s Dc1 who took the lead, rang the emergency services, contacted me. Dc1 was 16yo but. DH was unable to make a decision and a judgment Call on how dangerous it could be
FWIW DH is a very keen walker and I would trust (or trusted) him with most situations...
Again, is that AS and being overwhelemed by all the possible choices?

It’s hard to say. I know my DH talks to himself and doesn’t make decisions much. I don’t know how typical that is.

Interesting, my h mutters to himself too, I can never quite hear what he’s saying. He also “makes faces”, usually angry and scowling, sometimes shaking his head at the same time. Mostly when he’s eating, it’s very off putting. I have asked him what the faces are about, and he totally denies it, but doesn’t do it if there is anyone other than me present. Presumably that’s because he sees us as the same person.

He is also unable to make some decisions, asks me whether to put the dishwasher on, or put the bins out, but can decide to spend £19k on the new car that he wants without help. Hmmm.

I’ve seen DH doing the muttering in public (think the underground) but then it’s wo the vocalisation. Always when stress is higher too.
Which is why I was wondering about stimming.

It could be stimming. H has a few stims and I think the angry face is one. Nose blowing is another, as is pacing about downstairs in a set route through rooms.
Sometimes I think the muttering is him trying to process something by saying it, even under his breath.
But I don’t know for sure, and I have detached so much now that I’m less interested in the cause than the effect on me.

Another one for muttering, it's nearly always when she's angry with me, it's like a slow motion passive aggressive melt down. Usually followed by an actual meltdown. I think much behaviour like this is anxiety related.

Does anyone here have an autistic husband that struggles with touch? I’m finding it’s really impacting on my self confidence atm as he stops my hands if I touch him :( when I talk to him about it he just dismisses it which isn’t helping either.

@Sexboardsafename I haven’t experienced that. But when I started detaching and not touching him, he didn’t seem to care.

I did have a similar refusal to talk about the issue with sex. It was generally me initiating. When I stopped (after being turned down several times then angrily turned down one time), he didn’t seem to miss it and never initiated. He wouldn’t discuss anything, but just stonewalled. Things had been OK before that - there was nothing to put him off.

He just doesn’t seem to care how I feel (about that or other things).

Yep same here. Wasn’t bothered about the lack of touch as much more that some things are supposed to happen (like holding hands) and he feels uncomfortable when it doesn’t.

Sex... well it was always very mechanical anyway (and he had no clue what he was doing)....

See sex is generally amazing (he takes direction well) but he flinches if I stroke his arm or whatever. One of my love languages is touch and being stuck in a perpetual lockdown is making my need for this greater. He is great in so many ways but we are definitely having a clash of needs on this one atm

How do you cope when every meltdown involves being screamed at that you do nothing to help, they want a divorce, that they are going to tell the world what a horrible person you are and make sure they get the house etc etc?

My feelings don't matter. Other than, if I cry, I'm making things worse for him (and the subsequent anger is my doing) if I don't speak, then I don't care about him, if I raise my voice, I'm abusive.

I don't know what happening anymore. I'm doing my best. I do sometimes get upset and cry or sometimes, yes I do sometimes raise my voice back at him. Am I abusive? Is this me? Is it my fault?

I feel like I'm treading on eggshells all the time. But then he says I'm making it up and all the issues are my doing.

I'm just so sad.