Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

[Bluebellforest1]

New thread

[Skye99]

Yes, it’s the club no one wants to be in, but at least we can support each other in it.

I recognised a lot of what you describe, @SmallBox.

• H thinks he knows better than a doctor. I particularly regret believing him about a problem one of the DC had. Never again.
• We don’t talk unless I start. My H will sometimes start talking, but will talk at me rather than listening to what I say back. If I start a conversation he tends to stop listening quite quickly and start giving fake answers. Even purely practical conversations are very difficult for this reason.
• No intimacy or physical affection.
• Not interested in sex and won’t talk about it. (Showed no concern about how I felt about that.)
• We’re not a team. Because there’s no taking me into account and little two-way communication.
• Earns good money and wouldn’t deny me anything I wanted. But unfortunately when he was running the finances (he wanted to and I let him), he got us into thousands of pounds worth of debt.
• You say your H denies reality when it comes to his autism and the children’s. Mine doesn’t deny reality about that. He sought a diagnosis off his own bat (after we have been married a long time – I didn’t know before we married) and doesn’t deny our DC’s. But he does about many other things (like money and the need to pay some attention to your partner). It’s like he expects reality to arrange itself around him rather than the other way around.

Sending you sympathy and good wishes.

[SmallBox]

@Daftasabroom @Skye99 Thanks for your responses. I'm sorry you are living this life too. It's so hard. I feel like I live in a vacuum: he gives me no feedback about anything so I have no idea what he wants from me, if something I do annoys him, makes him angry etc. Nothing. Not even with expressions or noises or body language...I'm not expecting detailed praise or critique on my cooking, clothes etc but it can be like living in another country where you don't speak the language. I have decorated the house exactly how I wanted (and it's bold and bright and colourful) chosen which photos to frame or furniture to buy because he has no opinions on sofas, curtains, paint colours etc. Which my friends think is wonderful 'oh you're so lucky DH would never agree to wallpaper like that/have a bright pink bathroom' and that kind of thing but it's not my house it's our house and he just doesn't give a toss so I choose the tiles in the bathroom by myself and ask my sister or friends what they think and he just agrees to it without a second glance. It's so lonely. TMI - I know more about what my friend's husbands like in bed than I do him. And we really don't discuss it much - just things in passing, buying nice underwear or something. Sex was always silent and awkward with him so I never knew if what I was doing was something he liked and if I asked he said everything was fine. Everything is always 'fine'.

[Daftasabroom]

Well you have one up on me! DW never agrees with anything unless it is specifically her idea, even if she doesn't have an opinion the answer is also negative. She says I have to show her what she wants, it's painful. The only room in the house that isn't white is my office and we've been here 15 years.

She has very rigid preconceived ideas and expectations and anything outside of those are no go.

[Skye99]

@SmallBox

@Daftasabroom @Skye99 Thanks for your responses. I'm sorry you are living this life too. It's so hard. I feel like I live in a vacuum: he gives me no feedback about anything so I have no idea what he wants from me, if something I do annoys him, makes him angry etc. Nothing. Not even with expressions or noises or body language...I'm not expecting detailed praise or critique on my cooking, clothes etc but it can be like living in another country where you don't speak the language. I have decorated the house exactly how I wanted (and it's bold and bright and colourful) chosen which photos to frame or furniture to buy because he has no opinions on sofas, curtains, paint colours etc. Which my friends think is wonderful 'oh you're so lucky DH would never agree to wallpaper like that/have a bright pink bathroom' and that kind of thing but it's not my house it's our house and he just doesn't give a toss so I choose the tiles in the bathroom by myself and ask my sister or friends what they think and he just agrees to it without a second glance. It's so lonely. TMI - I know more about what my friend's husbands like in bed than I do him. And we really don't discuss it much - just things in passing, buying nice underwear or something. Sex was always silent and awkward with him so I never knew if what I was doing was something he liked and if I asked he said everything was fine. Everything is always 'fine'.

Our husbands do sound quite alike. Mine also doesn’t give feedback and also doesn’t care what the house is like.

He does sometimes say thank you to me for washing up or something. And he did like the new kitchen after I organised it. But he sometimes seems quite annoyed if I ask his opinion on things like what handles for the cabinets? He’s quite happy to have it all decided by me.

It is hard, especially if lack of money limits your options (as it does mine, like yours).

[Ijsbear]

I have noticed that after 12 years of marriage to an autistic man who doesn't want to acknowledge it, even though it ended 3 years ago I am unable to hold my end up in a proper natter any more. He silenced me so often and thoroughly that it seems to have stuck.

[NoGonnaLie]

@Ijsbear I know what you mean. I’ve lost the power of conversation too. I’ve been with him 19 years now and have also been silenced. Sent to pasture night after night with no conversation, or perhaps 2 minutes and then he’s off. I still meet up with friends (what I have managed to make and keep since meeting him) but I get so tired maintaining a “girlfriend” conversation. I can only do it once a week and although I love it at the time, I’m exhausted afterwards. Same for nights out. I don’t get invited much now anyway but I’m so bloody fixed in his routine that going out feels alien, almost like it’s irresponsible.

I don’t feel anything like my old self. I was spontaneous and fun loving and a chatterbox.

Can you cope ok in groups? I find threes are nice because then I don’t have to talk all the time. But I understand organising the perfect coffee with friends is hard. I don’t manage it myself much.

[FlyAsFreeAsABird]

@Ijsbear

I have noticed that after 12 years of marriage to an autistic man who doesn't want to acknowledge it, even though it ended 3 years ago I am unable to hold my end up in a proper natter any more. He silenced me so often and thoroughly that it seems to have stuck.

I don't think you revert to who you were bear. I'm three years on too (started the first of these threads). I think that even when you're out of the other side there's still an impact.

[NoGonnaLie]

Also my posts from yesterday which were made in desperation after finding this thread were deleted. Does anyone know why? What did I do wrong.

it’s quite awful to pour your heart out hoping for advice only to see you’re not welcome here either. I was in a mess yesterday suffering from care-giver exhaustion.

why would they do that when I feel so down about the whole thing.

my mum has stage 4 cancer and been my rock all these years with him. But she is going and it will be just me and him. I don’t think I can go on but I can’t imagine life on the other side.

[Daftasabroom]

@NoGonnaLie this thread is quite heavily policed. We need to be careful not to generalise and be very careful of context. Any ambiguity will be taken the wrong way and reported, particularly when the word empathy is involved.

[Ijsbear]

There are some autistic people who find these threads helpful @nogonnalie. There are some who intensely dislike their existence.

Generally anything that generalizes even to the smallest degree is a no-no. Speak about your own situation with the person whose behaviour you're struggling with, that seems to be ok.

I am really sorry to hear about your mother. I understand what it's like to feel completely alone with someone who won't/can't listen (In my ex's case he refused to listen to me suggesting it was a good idea to lock the back gate and door at night in a big town for three months - and that was only the very very tiniest tip of the iceberg).

[Ijsbear]

It is somewhat ironic that we have to tread on eggshells here as well as irl!

tbh I'm afraid of my ex-H :( Not physically but in other ways.

[FlyAsFreeAsABird]

Yes, I remember all the aggro well on here.

I name change a lot and rarely post following my Ex quoting something I’d posted to me. Shame as I could do with a ‘chat’ with people who understand as I’m now seeing the results of his behaviour with DC.

[NoGonnaLie]

@Daftasabroom @Ijsbear thank you for letting me know.

it's depressing to not be accepted at home and then not be allowed to vent online with a group of people who understand your suffering.

It's sad also because with many of us having children, we see both sides of the same coin.

I see DH in DD and I feel very worried for her future and what will happen. She's a beautiful gorgeous wonderful person but struggles socially.

I admire autistic people tremendously for what they put up with throughout life and how tough it's been but they continue to soldier on. My daughter has cried so many nights about the cruelty of repeated rejections, of not fitting in. I have cried too with her. We have felt utter despair and continue to do so on a daily basis. The only reprieve is in the holidays, away from school.

I am hoping therapy will help her. DH would never consider therapy. I don't know if it will help her but I'd like her to be able to accept herself more as she is and not use external measures so much. It's hard to do this with no life experience though, and not a single friend ever.

There's a lot of pain being autistic brought on by the NT world but that shouldn't deny me the chance to say that as a primary care-giver myself who is NT, my needs aren't met either and I have cried many many nights myself. I am deeply deeply sad.

The essence of who I am has been erased. It's not anyone's fault. That's what I wish, is that we could stop passing blame around but accept that this is very tough-going on both parties and that both parties need support.

@FlyAsFreeAsABird I shall bear that in mind. No doubt this post could be deleted too. I am sorry you've had to go through such difficulties with your ex. It sounds very challenging. How are you now? Do you feel like you're recovering? I'm worried to read that you think you don't return to your former self. I always have this notion that I will be back to my old self once he's gone!

Just to continue on from before, as an advocate for autistic people, I am glad the thread it policed. However as someone who is suffering I do need help and understanding too, to decide how I can proceed. Don't I deserve to be happy too?

I've lived with DH and his inflexibilty for 20 years. Can I ask now for flexibility and to be allowed to live again with freedom as I see that word and what it means to me?

I will always love my husband and I'm sure he will always love me too - but we want different things and our expectations of what makes us happy are too different.

If I could turn back the clock I would never ever have married him.

@Ijsbear thank you for your understanding about my DM. I am going to miss her so much when she's gone. I am so sorry to hear about your DH. Is there any chance to move further away from him, it sounds like he might be close by? My DM divorced DF many years ago but is relieved even now when he goes to his winter holiday home away from the UK. She loves it when he's out of the country. Gives her a sense of peace.

He has NBPD. But anyway, that's another story. But she felt scared having him close by so maybe distance might help?

[Ijsbear]

I've lived with DH and his inflexibilty for 20 years. Can I ask now for flexibility and to be allowed to live again with freedom as I see that word and what it means to me?

Yes, yes you can. You are entitled to ask for and give emotional support in a marriage.

it's easy to slip into blame but in the end I think of it now as two people who really really wanted the marriage to work but it was never going to.

I would very much prefer never to see Ex again but he has custody 50% of the time (at least atm, there are some issues). He actually loves them dearly and does his best ... and they love him ... but he does not know how to listen to them, and cannot ever accept that he himself might not understand how someone else feels, so he feels no need to adjust his parenting. SS stepped in forcibly when he hit the older one on the back of the head hard thank god, so he has to listen to them .. at least a bit.

[TheSnootiestFox]

@NoGonnaLie feel free to private message me if you need to rant. I think I have had every single post on here deleted as I apparently offend other members with ASD. I personally called it telling the truth about my marriage and cannot understand what this thread has to do with anyone other than those married to someone with Aspergers. The clue is rather in the name 🙄

[Bluebellforest1]

@TheSnootiestFox
me too, I’ve had loads of posts deleted. I’ve been here since the very start.
I really can’t understand why anyone who is not married to, or in a relationship with, someone with ASC would want to be on this thread. If you haven’t experienced it, stay out.
I don’t engage with threads about newborns, breastfeeding, contraception, sex in general. I wouldn’t want to impose my 1980/90’s parenting experiences on today’s parents.
i expect this to be deleted!

[NoGonnaLie]

The other strange thing is that I don't see this thread in the "I'm on" section as though 'they' are trying to discourage it's existence or any furthering of a discussion. That's sad. We all need an outlet to allow us to process pain and seek experience from others who have walked in our shoes.

@Bluebellforest1 I'm sorry also you've had your experience unseen and unheard by the sounds of things.

Relationships are so hard at the best of times. 50% of marriages break down in divorce. We look for reasons to find ways we may have got it wrong or been flawed in some way.

However all I know is that I'm a shadow of my former self. I no longer laugh, I no longer do anything spontaneous, I'm nailed, night and day to a routine I find joyless. i am the full-time carer of my children in totality. DH has never been to a sportsday, a parent's evening nor any of the children's parties that I have done all by myself. I no longer have really many friends. I completely lost one group from sixth form, a lovely group of girls as they couldn't understand why I couldn't leave my DC alone with DH. I used to have so many friends but over the years, DH has ensured that we have a solitary life. Socialising is his form of hell and he makes sure people know it but in the process I'm like a plant starved of water. Novelty, new things, new experiences, new people, it's what I live for, but I'm not allowed to go there because I am too exhausted from trying to care for the children, run the home and support my kids that both have special needs.

He seems happy enough. He doesn't want to change anything.

In the meantime I go lower and lower.

[NoGonnaLie]

Thanks @TheSnootiestFox I might just do that!! And I hope autistic people realise that NT people have needs and feelings too. That we can experience depression and it's very real and sad and hopeless.

Yes we can 'get on' in the real world, 'designed for us' but it's hard to function when you've got one foot in the world of autism for 99% of your time and the other foot barely knows what to do anymore, it just doesn't work anymore, it's never allowed to touch the ground back in NT territory or remember what it used to be like to walk in that life.

[Ijsbear]

However all I know is that I'm a shadow of my former self. I no longer laugh, I no longer do anything spontaneous, I'm nailed, night and day to a routine I find joyless. i am the full-time carer of my children in totality. DH has never been to a sportsday, a parent's evening nor any of the children's parties that I have done all by myself. I no longer have really many friends. I completely lost one group from sixth form, a lovely group of girls as they couldn't understand why I couldn't leave my DC alone with DH. I used to have so many friends but over the years, DH has ensured that we have a solitary life. Socialising is his form of hell and he makes sure people know it but in the process I'm like a plant starved of water. Novelty, new things, new experiences, new people, it's what I live for, but I'm not allowed to go there

God, @NoGonnaLie my heart goes out to you.

[greenwoodenheart]

@Ijsbear

I have noticed that after 12 years of marriage to an autistic man who doesn't want to acknowledge it, even though it ended 3 years ago I am unable to hold my end up in a proper natter any more. He silenced me so often and thoroughly that it seems to have stuck.

Hi all, I dip in and out of here every now and again, no one irl realises how I’m living at home; it’s a very lonely life and I could have written so many of the posts on here. I’m feel like I’m not allowed to talk at home; my DH has headphones on most of the time and treats me as an inconvenience if I try to speak to him, huffing and speaking in an dismissive tone if we interrupt his gaming. I have no one to share things with as he isn’t interested in what I have to say. As someone mentioned above, he has no interest in the house; it’s falling apart and badly needs redecorating but he doesn’t care about our 20+ year worn out carpets, never mind paint colours. So I’m living in silence and in an environment I’m not happy in (I’m a sahm with no access to his money so I can’t just get it done myself). People on the outside would have no idea. He has a professional job where he speaks to people regularly and comes across brilliantly; but he has said himself that because of this he uses up all his sociability then he just wants no interaction once he finishes work. So he sits separately with the headphones while we carry on around him. Evenings, after the DC have gone to bed, he’s still separate, I am alone every evening, even while I eat dinner, we do nothing together. He gets angry at the slightest thing, and you never know what will set him off - in recent years I’ve worked out that some of the time it seems to be when he thinks he’s being criticised - even when I’m not criticising whatsoever, I can say a general sentence and he turns things round in his head and makes it all about him. Outsiders have witnessed these outbursts because he doesn’t care what strangers think. It was not like this before we got married, I saw the side that his work colleagues get now. He is helpful around the house and can be thoughtful at times, and sometimes we can go for a family day out and have a great time, we do have some good times, but you never know when that switch will flip. I have no family and friends around so it is lonely.

[NoGonnaLie]

@greenwoodenheart I do feel for you so and understand much of what you write. We are very similar - various differences - but also I'm alone a lot of the time and DH is off away, either in front of his computer or out exercising or working. Those are all the things he lives for. Not for time spent with me. I am an after thought after he's accomplished everything else, every day. And even then, he'd much rather spend more time researching more information for his job than spending time with me or the children. There is always more to do, for his job, in the house, exercise etc. Like your DH he's brilliant at his job, outstanding, and can do the required social masking for it.

We have very very occasional days out, maybe once ever two years or less. But then this is always followed by a whirlwind of extra activity, almost to make up for that aberration, that straying from the routine. I can't remember the last time we went out together on our own. He forgot our anniversary one year and after that I just gave up inside mentally and decided that I could no longer hope for love from him in the way I expected it. I took off my wedding ring and told him, I don't feel like I'm married anymore. It didn't change anything.

I found the five different love languages - a book which explains how we all want to be loved in different ways. I offered to buy it for him to show him how I felt so bereft of love. He said there was no point, he wouldn't read it.

As you say, the hardest thing in some ways is carrying on in the outside world as though everything at home is fine. My friends would barely believe it if I told them - but as it is, I have no close friends anymore. They've all given up on me. Well just one who I've shared some of this with but it's almost too painful to talk about and also, it doesn't solve the problem. It's still there day after day, night after night.

What will you do? Do you ever think about leaving?

[stilllovegeorge]

Back here again because I have forgotten what is normal and just need to check. My aspergic husband said to me this morning , "we haven't had sex for 2 months, when can we?" I find asking such a big turn off and it has been such a relief when he's been away a bit this month on business not to be constantly asked. I want to explain that if he lifted a finger, showed any interest in anyone but himself then that could be a way forward.