Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

[Bluebellforest1]

New thread

[Daftasabroom]

@Chakralady yes the damage can be the same, and yes if it were intentional it would be easier to move on. Fundamentally though is that DW doesn't understand that my needs, feelings, etc. are any different to hers. If I try to explain she still can't see, or I'm being ridiculous. It's not that she doesn't care, simply she cannot understand what I might be experiencing and the impact she has.

[Daftasabroom]

OMG DWs new special interest is herself, specifically her IT band. She spends 12+ hours a day on the internet researching, every conversation comes down to her aches and pains within two sentences. I just can't bear it anymore.

[Attwoodsladyfriend]

What’s an IT band?

and why do you stay?

[Bluebellforest1]

Briefly it’s a band of muscle running down the outside of your leg. Problems can cause knee pain.
@Daftasabroom you have my sympathy. My husband is much the same, totally self absorbed and self obsessed with whatever his latest ailment is, and there is always an ailment, or ailments. It’s very wearing.

[PinaColadaSunset]

Ah the ailments. Details every ache and pain throughout his body. Daily. Absolutely no sympathy when I am in pain and will quickly change the subject or interrupt with things like “Oh did you see that pigeon outside just now?”… No concept of the fact he interrupted.

[Daftasabroom]

I've mentioned this before. DW had picked me up from hospital a few days after I'd had an operation to fuse a couple of vertebrae in my lower back and decompress a disc, lots of metal and bone grafts etc, very painful despite the oramorph. On the motorway she insisted on driving on the inside lane which had been massively pot holed and rutted by HGVs. It was like driving over a speed bump every 100m. She refused to drive in the second lane as she didn't want to hog the lane doing only 60mph and she refused to drive at 70mph as she wanted me to have a gentle ride home. She then insisted we stop at the next services because I'd gone grey and needed to get out the car for some fresh air.

[Slingsanderrors]

@PinaColadaSunset oh yes, same here.

@Daftasabroom oh yes indeed! H (was dp then and we didn’t live together ) picked me up 2 weeks after a hysterectomy to take me to his for a week to recuperate. He arranged a dinner with his 2 adult children after a 3 hour drive, I was exhausted and could barely eat. He didn’t understand why I was “tired”.
Why I married him after that is a long story.

[Bluebellforest1]

Name change fail to @PinaColadaSunset and @Daftasabroom

[Heyjumbo]

So tired of ASD.
I've surrounded myself with it. My partner has it, my daughter is going through a diagnosis, I work with children who have it and I seem to have chosen friends who have it. I'm taking the time to filter out many of these one sided friendships to give me more energy for my job and daughter. Trying to separate from my partner also. It's draining. And damaging.

[timbletumble]

Hello, living with DH diagnosed ADHD/undiagnosedASD (he’s unwilling to go for diagnoses despite support from family/friends). Also unwilling to entertain the idea of therapy/couples therapy as he thinks he knows better than the therapist… he actually said that.

I feel invisible and have done for a long time, discovering Mumsnet and these posts has given me so much support just by reading everything over the last 24 hours.

He doesn’t see or consider ‘me’. I’m just an extension to provide his (and our child’s) needs. Once I injured myself (by accident) and made a shout before and he just carry’s on talking to me and I’m like ‘Hey! Can’t you see I’m bleeding here?!?’ And he’ll say ‘Oh yeah that looks nasty’ and then carry on with whatever obsessed rambling he’s in.

Something tipped inside me a week ago and now I’m more determined to leave than ever. But I’m terrified… of how he’ll react (not violet but I don’t believe he will be reasonable or put our child first) and also of losing my home- it was my nans house and I can’t afford it on my own. A lottery win would do me well right about now.

Also, things are ‘OK’ at the moment and I really don’t want to rock the boat…. But I also don’t want to come out with it when he’s angry about something else and I end up being unreasonable myself. I don’t want to hurt him but I know he won’t see this coming (I have tried to lay things out to him before but he believes himself faultless and doesn’t always listen).

Like others have said here… something that makes it more difficult is that he’s not a bad person…. He’s hasn’t (and would never) cheat, and he never complains about me to anyone (something I’m not innocent of- I rant at the first opportunity), he’s not violet, and he’s not deliberately emotionally abusive….

He’s generally very intelligent but has no emotional intelligence.

I yearn for an amicable and adult separation- I don’t think I’ll get that. I think I also need to grieve for my house before coming out with it, so I’m truly ready. It sounds silly but this house has a lot of sentimentality to me, the circumstances of my nans death have left me with PTSD. We live in a small town and I work locally- I couldn’t avoid seeing it.

Don’t really know the point of my post… just spent so long reading al of yours I felt I needed to speak up for myself (for once).

[Fourhorses]

@timbletumble Hi, I’ve just read both your posts, on this thread and my thread. I’ve been going through this for a number of years, leaving was an inevitable but it has taken me a long time to get the courage and conviction together. I have had so much support from friends and from the likes of Mumsnet. And I know I couldn’t have done this without all of them. So paying it forward and will alway be keen to hear how you are. It’s a lonely place I know xx

[Daftasabroom]

@timbletumble there was a discussion upthread how some of our partners see us as extensions of themselves. DW can definitely not comprehend why I might experience the world and our relationship in a different way to her.

[timbletumble]

Thank you so much for your reply and your support. I hope things are ok with you x

I’ll be sure to check in.… it really is a lonely place.

I was recently shown (by a friend who I was away at a festival with) what it feels like to be ‘seen’…. Since experiencing that for the first time in years I feel there’s no going back. Just gaining the strength and resolve to move forwards….. x x

[timbletumble]

That’s interesting thank you… I will scroll back as I must’ve missed that part…. I feel for you all….. it’s also good to know I’ve not lost the plot

[Nomoresmoresthensnores]

Hello. Been off mn for a while and can't remember if I name changed etc..
I'm now divorced...it has been extremely difficult tbh. Traumatic. But as I've pulled away I've been able to see the behaviours a lot more clearly and I've become more and more sure it was the right choice. Before I really doubted myself because I'd become so used to being blamed for everything that happened to my ex. But now even though they still.do this it's so obvious it's not my fault or responsibility. I used to get blamed too for taking over things (that hadn't been done or needed doing) but now there really isn't anyone but themselves. They've actually not reacted well to this highlighting of their shortcomings. Also all of the things I said for years have been proven. But they've been really angry with me as I've essentially cut off their support ( Me providing it). Life hasn't been that different as I'm so used to flying solo anyway. Dividing up her house has been interesting as it suddenly became clear after 20 years of marriage that they'd barely chosen or bought a thing we owned. (Not interested!) . I think my ex has trauma as well as ASC and I'm very sympathetic but I'm also a husk now and completely done.

[Daftasabroom]

A weird and tragic night. We've had a young RTA death on my side of the family, I lost far too many friends in my late teens through to mid twenties, best friend, brother, many other friends. Obviously any event like this brings everything to the surface again.

DS ASC gave me the biggest hug, DW has gone to bed without so much as a word of sympathy, complaining she didn't sleep much last night.

[Bluebellforest1]

@Daftasabroom so sorry for your loss, and yes, it brings back all the other losses. And so awful when you get no support from your partner.

I had a similar situation last year, having no support from the person who should be supported me made a dreadful situation so much worse.

[Daftasabroom]

Thanks @Bluebellforest1. It's strange though it's not a lack of empathy it's more that she expects me to have exactly the feelings and needs as herself, as someone said up thread she sees me as extension of herself. She doesn't have this with anyone else, just me and her sister. It's not deliberate or unkindly but to coin a phrase I know she'll never have my back.

[LoveFoolMe]

I'm sorry 😟

[Ijsbear]

Im so sorry @Daftasabroom. To lose so many people is hard and to be entirely on your own with it is soul-sapping.

[timbletumble]

@Daftasabroom I’m so sorry for your loss x x

[Daftasabroom]

Thanks all, it's so sad. Knowing what I was like in my twenties my parents must have lived in perpetual terror.

[Skye99]

So sorry to hear this, @Daftasabroom. That is so hard, and I know what you mean about being treated as an extension of someone else. My H used to say, ‘I feel you’re part of me.’ The lack of support and empathy is so disappointing. Every sympathy!

[SmallBox]

Hello I'd like to join please. I've binged all these threads and it's like I'm reading my own diary.

My husband is not diagnosed nor would he ever seek a diagnosis. I don't know if he is even registered with a GP. I assume so as I will have filled in the forms when we moved but he has never seen a doctor in the 12 years we've been together. Somebody in one of the other threads (or maybe this one - I can't remember) said something about their partner thinking they know better than a doctor and it's certainly true - he is not in the medical field at all. I am sure he will die of something preventable one day because of it.

My husband is a good man and isn't deliberately unkind but I feel so emotionally depleted and alone being with him. It's like I'm married to a brick wall. We don't talk unless I start and carry the whole conversation which is exhausting, we don't laugh together, we have no intimacy, no cuddles or kisses, he's not interested in sex, he's always struggled with ED but won't see any professionals about it. He got viagra a couple of years ago but it's still about 3 times a year. I just feel like I will never know what it's like to be wanted ever again. I have asked him if he thinks he's asexual or gay or if anything happened when he was younger. It's always a hard no. He has always said it's psychological but hasn't ever seen a psychologist and won't talk about it at all. I get everything I need emotionally from my friends but it makes me so sad to see them happy in their relationships and I am trying so hard not to be bitter about their weekends away or shared interests.

I can't leave because I've not worked in almost 7 years, have no career at all and our children are such hard work that wraparound childcare is almost impossible. Both our sons are in the process of being diagnosed with ASD and are displaying incredibly challenging behaviours at school. He doesn't really believe they have autism despite every educational professional saying they think they do and both of them needing 1:1 at school. He earns good money and is not in any way tight. He acknowledges what I have sacrificed to enable his career and I don't feel like he would deny me anything I wanted but it's like we're not a unit or a team.

I'm sorry so many people are in the same situation but it feels nice to know I'm not alone.

[Daftasabroom]

Hi @SmallBox it's remarkable how similar our relationships with our partners are. I've used the analogy of a thick sheet of glass that seems to get thicker over time, it looks transparent but in reality it seems impossible to get through.