Hi everyone, how are you and your partners all doing with the stress of Christmas?
Thought I'd give a little update as I've got a moment of quiet. It's been about 2 months since H moved out to live at his dad's and recently he completed on a house of his own. We've signed paperwork to legally separate us and just need to update our wills. H has managed to get beds for the house but no sofas, tvs etc, so not very homely yet but he has had the kids to stay a couple of weekends and they've loved it. And I've loved having some actual, genuine time for myself instead of being the only parent on call 24/7.
I have to say I'm seeing lots positives of him since he left, he's more talkative and friendly when I see him, has more energy for the kids, brings me little gifts and thoughtful things, does odd favours for me, but I know it actually means nothing. I've switched my heart off to him, but I can't be outright strict with him as im relying on his maintenance payments so feel like I have to keep it sweet and let him think we are 'best friends' as he keeps banging on about. My aim over the forthcoming year will be to get a better paid job so that I don't need to worry if he pays maintenance or not. Currently I'm just doing a very small part time job due to my son's needs and needing to fit round his school hours.
For anyone considering a split but not ready yet, you might like to hear that it is just so liberating not having to live around his moods and his expectations and selfishness. I don't think it's possible to be aware of what a real drain the ASD partner can be until that pressure is removed. But also I think my H has other issues too on top of his Aspergers, so I'm not saying every ASD partner is mean and selfish and as hard to be with as my H was. And it's not all about me, I'm sure he must be happier too not forcing himself to live in our NT world and having family expectations. It was weird at first, but not harder, and I quickly got used to him not being here. I didn't know I could actually be this happy. The children seem fine with it, it was up and down at first but they're doing well. I'm totally fine with it. I'm alone but not lonely anymore, not feeling resentful or neglected or like I'm just his household maid and nanny with no thanks. I feel like myself again, lost a few pounds just from not comfort eating and being generally happier, and I even went out on a date recently! It's not going anywhere with that bloke but it was nice to go out and nice to know I'm not repulsive to other men 
H keeps saying idealistic things like we'll go on a summer holiday together, he will pay for Disney next year, we'll go on family days out etc etc. and that he misses chatting to me, forgetting that he's barely talked to me in the past 2 years. He even rang me for a chat the other night, and asked would he be ok to do that more. I replied we are only in this situation because he chose to spend all his time chatting to others online and that he should call them when he wants a talk. It's like he wants the comfort of my familiarity without putting in the hard work of a friendship/relationship.
I had a fantastic relaxing Christmas Day and the difference compared to previous years is eye opening. Other years he's bought me nothing, or wanted a list so ge didn't have to think. This year he turned up with some very nice things for me 'from the kids' that I hadn't asked for. Last year he didn't do anything for the kids gifts, this year he's bought stuff for them to open at his house. He spent last year moaning and being moody, then sleeping upstairs, ignoring us all, this year he wasn't here long enough for me to notice his moods.
My friend nailed it when she said that in other years I've had the pressure of making everything 'perfect' for the kids to compensate for him being there physically but so seriously lacking in terms of emotion and interaction, and that defines it absolutely. I didn't really understand that before but it makes perfect sense why I'm feeling zero Christmas stress, that weight of needing to be 2 parents and make it magical has been totally lifted. Our day didn't need to be anything more than it was, just us enjoying ourselves. The kids seemed more chilled, so I suspect they were feeding off my more relaxed attitude.
There were of course a couple of irritants - H only visited for 2 hours over lunchtime (he was not invited to eat with us, we did dinner later), and even though he hadn't had to actually do anything other than look at the kids' new things he still managed to fall asleep for half an hour or so on the sofa before DS yelled at him to wake up 
predictable but so ridiculous. He's had days to himself, a full week of solid nights sleep unlike me with bed wetters and bad dreams, plus he had a nice lie in for Christmas morning, but somehow still needed a nap 🙄🙄 But it just helped me remember that he can never sustain the 'good guy/involved father' image he's been trying to portray since he moved out.
The other annoying thing is he told me in a couple of months he may not be able to see the kids one weekend as he's doing X activity - with the online woman he got obsessed with, her sister, and a male gamer friend who he knows IRL. It's irked me because the activity is something I'd have loved to have done and he always acted very negatively about it and would never try it. But of course as OW is interested in it, he's now suddenly super passionate about it and is rewriting history pretending he's always been into it. He's still saying they are just friends, which may well be the case, but it again proves to me he could have done things for me after lockdown lifted, but just couldn't be arsed. The activity involves travelling to another city, a late night, and a long journey. Anything I suggested like this apparently would have caused him too much anxiety, he just couldn't do it, Aspergers/anxiety prevents him doing anything other than gaming and thus I'm selfish for asking, too many expectations, too demanding etc etc. But for someone else he wants to impress he'll put himself out of his comfort zone. Again predictable but bloody annoying. Still I know that when I'm ready I can do the activities I wanted to either alone, with friends or down the line if I meet someone else who can appreciate it with me - genuinely and not just putting a false face on it as no doubt he'll be doing for them.
Good luck to those of you who are struggling with your partners this season. Try to get some time to yourself and get some respite where you can x