Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

[Bluebellforest1]

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@Pigeontown It occurred to me recently that I often feel like I’m grieving. Grieving for a relationship I was promised, something I occasionally get glimpses of but drifts further and further away. But it’s not just that, it’s the constant invalidation of my feelings, my needs, of me.

Conversations between are us so difficult that years ago I wrote DW a letter explaining why some of her behaviours are so difficult to deal with, she completely missed the point. She took it as an insult to her, that I was just trying to be spiteful and deliberately trying to hurt her completely dismissed everything I was trying to explain. She saw herself as the injured party and dare I try to explain my feelings.

@Daftasabroom I could have written your post. That’s exactly how I feel, grieving, dismissed, invalidated. I don’t even try to explain now, because my H does the “injured party, hurt feelings” too.

There's a really interesting thread on AMA that might be worth looking at.

The recently deleted posts set me thinking, and while many of them on all sides were understandable, some really missed the point of this thread. This thread is about those of us in long-term relationships with partners on the spectrum. I think this is a completely different dynamic compared to a work colleague, friend, of other family member. I think the key word is partnership. When we choose a life partner, and we do choose, we do so based on what we see in front of us, based on the discussions we have, the way the other person makes us feel, and the promises we make to each other.

The relationships we have with our life partners are unique, and there naturally needs to be equality and transparency. In the deleted posts there seemed to be the misconception that NT people don’t struggle, that we all fit in fine with the NT world, this simply isn’t true. When there isn’t equality – when one person gets support while the other doesn’t. When we try to explain our feelings and our needs but the other person cannot understand and sometimes will not listen the equality and transparency break down.

DW doesn't recognise her own needs properly, ley alone mine. It's all very difficult.

So much of these resonates with me. Married 15 years together 20 years. Its a v lonely existence.

No real connection with H. He refuses to engage in most conversation with me. Apparently my talking in general, about anything, annoys him.
He is happy to sit in silence/alone as much as he can.
Appalling behaviours over the years due to anger/aggression/social anxiety. He has anger/temper issues on top of ASD.
No empathy for me or sometimes even awareness of me. He will make himself a drink/food/lunch with no thought for anyone else.
He is emotionally dead.
Social anxiety means he cannot book a restaurant or phone a can if he has to actually speak to them.
No sex. No intimacy. I no longer want it with him.

The OP on the AMA thread posted I think neurotypical and autistic people often have different ideas on what makes a fulfilling life and we all deserve a fulfilling life

that thread lost me when the OP said
I wish I had been explicitly told it's ok to be aggressive and selfish if it means keeping safe

Either she has a different understanding of the words aggressive and selfish or she's just wrong. I don't think it's ok to be aggressive, and it rarely achieves anything positive. If she meant 'assertive' that's a different story.

@Ijsbear I hope you're right. I wonder though whether she is trying describe her feelings in a language she doesn't understand. I suspect DW would me as aggressive and selfish when I am only being assertive and she definitely can be selfish and aggressive if I challenge her dogmas. I've posted previously on how DW seems to have a different language and communication translator in her head to those of us NT.

@Daftasabroom I will take a look at the AMA.

I'm too confrontational says DW. Actually I am really. But this trait has also really helped our family. I don't get any credit for when its been beneficial! Also its fair to say that DW has suffered at the hands of others and been the butt of jokes. So I can see how things are difficult for her. But when someone gives you nothing then you stop being able to give back as freely. I am pretty dead emotionally with her. She will do things if I ask her. But that's tiring too.
I think after 18 months in very close quarters coming after a quite stressful 5 years has been the final straw. I can't have every conversation misunderstood and every incident ignored. There was another spectacular lack of emotional support on Friday and it was pretty crushing. I am getting too resentful. And thats no way to live.

Re the OP I think the AMA person means assertive.

I suspect that it might be a language/understanding thing too and she ~means~ assertive. But I'm not sure, and it read rather scarily.

my ex definitely has a different language and communication translator, though he is subtle and sophisticated when he is writing emails (not my description, a highly trained person's when I bounced it off them for a reality check)

pigeon as so often it sounds like a very sad situation where someone is genuinely trying but the NT/ASD difference means that all that effort, all that goodwill on both sides is falling into the chasm of brain wiring between you. But when you have no more to give - you have no more to give.

Thanks yes it is sad. Can't say we didn't try.

@Snugglebum20 your post sounded really lonely. You aren't alone in feeling that way even if you are alone in your home. The saying goes you're loneliest when your with the wrong people (or something like that). True. I'm very happy doing a lot of things on my own. I also have a DD and I'm very close to her. I feel very lonely when she's off doing her teen things as she should be. My loneliest time is on a Friday eve as my DW never marks the end of the working week in any special way. She would never instigate anything like food or a drink. We don't go out. I don't even bother trying anymore. I used to.
I do lots of things with DC. But they're growing up now.
In case you think I'm moping... I'm not. I'm planning!

I do 90% of the shopping and 75% of the cooking, I've my hand so can't cook for a couple of days. DW decided she wanted Tex Mex, fair enough we like a good Tex Mex. I finished WFH, asked DW what we needed and went shopping. I got back DW started prepping.

DW: where are the limes?
Me: what limes?
DW: why didn't you get any limes?
Me: you didn't ask me to
DW: but we can't have Tex Mex without limes.
Me: how can it be my fault for not doing something you didn't ask me to do?
DW: I thought you knew to get limes.

She expects everyone to know exactly what she is expecting but cannot or doesn't communicate this. When anyone fails to act according to her expectations it's their fault.

I'd like to know any theories as to why 'accepting fault' is a difficult issue for Autistic people. Before anyone piles on...yes this isn't a thing just for Autistic people I know, but observationally and in my personal experience it is an issue specifically. Is it that they are experiencing things differently. So their reality is different. I know there's an issue with understanding what others are thinking and that in relation to them.
My DW never accepts fault even when the facts are laid out... similar to the limes issue above. She will insist she isn't wrong.

Accepting fault is certainly an issue for my H. It’s like in his mind he’s never wrong, and nothing is his responsibility 😱

Yes that exactly

In over 20 years DW has never admitted fault or apologised for anything, not once.

I suspect it is something to do with very rigid thinking, i.e. something is right or wrong, black or white, my way or the highway, never any shade of grey, never just one of those things.

For DW if something, anything, doesn't match her preconception it is clearly wrong. If she doesn't have a preconception or expectation then obviously nothing can meet an expectation she doesn't have.

With DH, I suspect he sees 'wrong' as something intentional. So as he doesn't intend to make a mistake, he hasn't done anything wrong.

He dropped my espresso pot the other day, spilling my coffee that I'd had to grind beans for (accidentally bought beans instead of ground). Obviously it's the fault of the pot.

I mean, I can see his reasoning, the pot is awkward, but I have told him before it's awkward and he shouldn't try and pour it. I asked him to turn the gas off when it was done, that's all.

Anyway, very petty, but I was really disappointed that my coffee went down the drain.

There are many many occasions where he's done something I explicitly ask him not to do, but he does it anyway because he feels it should be done. I've migrated all the washing out of the family washing basket so it's not only got his clothes in it. It's been the only way to stop him ruining mine, or leaving me with a massive laundry task on a day I don't have time to do it.

There's no point discussing it, it's a waste of energy. I just reorganise around him. We're much less stressed as a result!