Sorry for the essay... I'm so happy to have found this thread. Have had a quick read through and there's a lot I can relate to. Need to go over old threads.
I'm about to turn 35, met OH age 16 and been together ever since. He's extremely intelligent and when he's in a good place, he's pretty amazing and goes above and beyond.
But last 8 years have been like slow torture. He admits he is absolutely sure he's on the spectrum.
He has been unemployed for 10 years. This was driven by him believing in starting his own business that he was passionate about. I supported this and wanted him to do something he loved. However, this turned in to him becoming obsessed with researching and planning every possible aspect of it and more. He didn't want to start the business he just kept researching and researching - going as far as wanting to create his own calendar for the year for the business to go by as he felt the current logic of calendars wasn't good enough (just one example). I did my best to spend hours and weekends talking about his latest books he read, insights, ideas. His ideas were unique and brilliant but he couldn't bring himself to actually start it.
Eventually this got turned on me. That I didn't care enough. Wasn't helping enough. I wasn't good enough. I was letting him fail. Etc.
He suffered very serious depression for a few years, didn't leave the house for months and it was a pretty gruelling and dark time. I was scared he would give up at points and what I would come home to.
He sees the world very black and white. He will say things that represent how he feels in a moment like it is absolute. It messes with my head because I take it as true and go through a whole rollercoaster of what it means. E.g. A few years ago he said he would never have children with me (several times, often said with hostility like it was an insult). After much reflection, last year I said I definitely did want children and it can't work between us because he doesn't. He then said that's just how he felt then based on how I was and that he is open to it. Another conversation today and he says it is the bottom of the list of his priorities unless I make some radical transformation to help him with his life. Which I do get because he wants his own life to get on track. But for me it is excruciating because I feel I can never be good enough to help to meet his standards/ideals and now feel my future hangs in balance for a family unless I leave.
Another example. When my dance teacher died and I cried (who I hadn't seen for years), he got annoyed and said I didn't even know her anymore and it's stupid to be upset. A waste of energy. And again felt it was inappropriate given he believes I don't care about him. It actually made him quite angry.
Because I work FT and have had a very stressful job, he feels I neglect him and blames everything on me that has gone wrong for him. That he would never do that to me. He also takes credit for where I have got to and says I selfishly took advantage of his help only for my benefit.
He also has all the typical strengths. Everything in the house is amazingly organised due to him. When he does care about something he can create/do brilliant things. He hosted the most amazing Xmas for the family (my parents and siblings, none of us have children) and transformed the house to a big grotto. Great with kids and animals. Good natured in general and fun loving. He did really help me with my career and personally help led coach me for years to build my confidence.
Like other pp,... He has extreme logic in conversations and it can be hard to argue as he will always end with the logic trump and I run out of energy, he often psychoanalyses people based on observations / logic too.
He will for instance analyse my behaviour and tell me what he "knows" I am thinking/feeling based on this. For example, if he wakes me up in the night because he can't sleep (annoying) and I don't jump in to action to show I care, he concludes with his logic that it is more evidence I don't care. Especially because I am tired so it must be my true unconscious at play 
It is exhausting. And maddening. As I start losing sense of what I do feel/think!
I was at breaking point in November and nearly left (leaving him in the house I pay for) but we have managed to reconcile somewhat and work on healing/being better.
It all sounds so ridiculous I know. He has lots of good points but the way he operates and the lack of compassion towards me has broken my heart several times. He will name call with no remorse because his logical conclusion is it is justified. I have told him at times it is emotionally abusive and he finally doesn't do it like he used to as he realises there is a line. But at times he will accuse me of oppressing him when I say I won't accept him calling me a name.
When I have been depressed, he hates it. Just says I feel sorry for myself and ignores it. It reminds him of his mum and sister which is a trigger.
Ugh the list is so endless.
I have felt so responsible and trapped. He is totally financially dependable on me and as he loves to remind me - he doesn't have an easy way to get a job now (which of course is all my fault). So breaking up isn't even easy.
I have done a lot of work on myself recently so a lot stronger. I'm not sure what will happen yet with us. Currently we're both very working on the relationship and it has been a world better.. But I'm not fooling myself. He also knows he is different and that most other men would be fine with everything. He just has a perfect ideal in his head that he is not willing to compromise on.
Not necessarily looking for advice, just thought I'd share as this seemed like the right place to get it out.. No-one in my life has any idea how bad it has been.