If there's a cloud next to an app... he's downloaded it before hasn't he?

[BubbleTeaJunkie]

Been together 15 years. Pure hookup anonymous dating on his iPad.. has a cloud next to it..

Enough is enough now OP. For your mental and emotional well-being I wouldn’t even wait around to find out what further relevations he comes out with - Bin him, block him, cease contact. No good can come from this now. Basically he’s an absolute ballbag who’s been caught out and DOES NOT DESERVE YOU.

It's like an advent calendar with a fresh pile of shit behind it each morning!

V visual imagery. It’s good that you have some gallows humour to propel you through this. Only a couple of more days left on an advent calendar and you can choose not to open them.

Not sure where you head is at with how far he went - but - I can guarantee, as I am sure can anyone who has been on this slippery shit slide, that the evidence to date is that he has cheated and slept with many many randoms and prostitutes.

It’s like he is saying he has been in a secret sweet shop for the last 10 years that no one knew about and although he was curious he never touched a thing ..... just not physically possible.

You just need to know that now - not sure you need to wait for the actual evidence unless you find this helpful.

It’s up to you where your red line is - he might well have crossed it already - at porn, or online sex, or “looking” on dating apps, or just “pricing” up prostitutes etc.

Sounds like you are done. Not sure what you will gain by looking into his sewer.

Might be better to emotionally protect yourself from what could be v traumatising that might tip you into a depression so that you are less able to perform in your promotion - don’t let that happen - don’t let him take anymore away from you.

Damage limitation.

What’s your plans for Xmas day?

Cross posts with @wishfulthinkk

To much for too long. He’s blown it. Huge hugs to you.

If I'm ever in doubt about my partner I'm coming to the mumsnet detectives! I read through this last night and like OP I thought there may well be a plausible explanation. I was a bit surprised by all of the responders who were so sure he was cheating. I felt so bummed for you OP, as the messages went on and more revelations came to light ☹️ Reading this has made me realise my ex probably also cheated on me. I asked him at the time and he was angry, telling me I was paranoid blah blah. Thankfully I'm so over that relationship that the realisation doesn't even hurt. You'll get there too, OP, you'll look back on this and wonder why you were even sad, I promise ❤️

So he has been putting effort into seeking to cheat on you over a prolonged period of time. I'm not sure I could forgive that.

Sorry meant to add especially after the crying and manipulation.

Get rid of him for good OP. Like you said, every day there is yet another vile surprise waiting to spring from his lying mouth. He's disgusting. And I'd bet my house on him only telling you a watered down version of these events. Its bad enough that be's been doing this for years, but the fact that he has very little interest in you sexually, should be enough to end this relationship now. No couples counselling, no discussion. He's not mentally ill, he's a dirty bastard. I'm so sorry for you OP, what a horrible thing to happen right before Christmas. But at least get your family around and have as good a time as you can. Best of luck.

He's not mentally ill, he's a dirty bastard.

Know this.

@BubbleTeaJunkie my ex was a shy guy but a Perv in the internet.

Couldn't face having sex because of his MH but was sending dick pictures.

A one point he was suicidal, everyone was worried and still he was going on sites sneakily for a attention boast.
Only found out due to his phone being on airplane mode, unlocked that and a message pop up.

He couldn't do what he did before - which was block them. He also had huge gaps in his search history.

The only person who didn't fall for his nice side , because I obviously did lol, was the SS she said she could tell there was something wrong with him.

But everyone else sees what he wants the too.

You had issues in 2011!!!!! Love, that's nearly 10 years ago!!! Please bin this creep. Youcould never trust him after this, believe me - I've been there, it ain't fun

I'm so sorry for all this OP. I can't imagine how betrayed you feel.

Sometimes too much happens to be able to reconcile and have the relationship you once did.

I really don't understand men looking up local prostitutes if they honestly have no intention or inclination of using them.

A healthy relationship is respectful, but respecting a man who has done those things isn't something that comes easy.

Years of deception and lies. What else is he hiding. I'd get rid. So sorry, op

I've been in this situation and I forgave and forgot and he just kept doing it. He'd cry and say he'd do anything to change himself and get help for himself and then a few months later, he'd be at it again.

If you forgive him, he will know that he can do this stuff and get away with it.
You're basically ok-img the behaviour.

He's a massive c*nt and you can honestly do miles better. I'm so sorry lovely xx

“Cheeky bastard” is not how I’d describe this weapons-grade loser.

You need to stop engaging with him, OP.... because there will be more revelations and they will be worse. For your own sanity, he needs to move out and give you space. Please don’t suffer through Christmas dinner with him and his parents. There is no coming back from this, so rip the plaster off now.

How can he not realise that this drip feed is making it so much worse... there is no way you could ever trust him after this...
Poor you OP, what an absolute shit he is... there is no excuse for him to treat you this way regardless of his (pretend) problems.

I hope you can make the most of Christmas and start new year without this lying wanker.

He's doing the trickle truth technique. It's really effective because once no one thing seems bad enough to split over in the moment of finding out. But op, put all the things together is a list. Imagine that you found them out all in one go, had evidence, but he decided to lie to you...what would you do?

This is so much worse than you are acknowledging OP but that’s ok, it comes in waves.

Why go to therapy? Your partner is just awful. He is doing that thing of talking about it like he was temporarily someone else, like it wasn’t him, like oh yes this is interesting academically, I wonder what exactly is going on here... He is being - has been - AWFUL to you and your relationship for a very long time.

Texting a girl from the bus - why would he even do this? He’s hardly going to admit to it if it was successful. Was this his attempt at “the worst I’ve ever done is ... and she wasn’t interested anyway” ?

He is an absolute shit. He’s been doing this online stuff for AGES. and “just looking” at prostitutes, oh come on.

It’s a given this guy will have more footprint online and will be in a flap now hiding stuff and cleaning up his tracks.

His comments of asking his IT friend and how it was going to be so embarrassing makes me cringe. This is just all lies.

Honestly OP I’ve been that soldier and I initially believed (in a completely perplexed state of mind, I had literally no point of reference for what I was seeing and hearing) what he said. Believed is too strong a word, I had suspended acceptance. I kept digging and it all tumbled out. But I work in IT and it wasn’t hard.

Tell your family the extent if what you know and draw strength from them. Tomorrow is just one day in your life don’t get too worked up over it. I’m really sorry you have this going on.

I really hope you draw a line under it now and don't even consider a future with him. It did sound as if you were considering the possibility of getting back together once he had been "punished enough". I hope that interpretation is wrong and its now a permanent split.

@BubbleTeaJunkie 💐 and 🍸 for you. Send him back to his mums and have your family over tomorrow. On Boxing Day us it worth looking into an std clinic ( sorry)

What are you going to do OP?

@BubbleTeaJunkie

Well, advent calendars stop today and you can put this one in the bin...

Massive congratulations on your promotion at work. And massive congratulations for not putting your head in the sand.

I'm also hoping that massive congratulations for kicking him out are in order to.

Onwards and upwards - you can make him part of your history from now.

I am still a bit torn between head and heart to be honest. Much more emotional today than the last few days.

I'm so so close to his parents, they are family to me, his mum called me the daughter she never had when this blew up. She wants me to consider fixing it... and we have been together since we were 18.

They know it all... he has told them everything as have I... he says the fact they know it all will make him accountable. He's asking what he can do to show me he's really changed, I just don't know.

I swing back and forth. Sometimes I just want to forget it all and not turn my life upside down and just pray to god he really will change. Other times I think this is just too big and I'll never get past it or trust him again.

I just don't know what to do. My faith in men is destroyed and even if I did start again with someone new, I'd feel like this happening was just around the corner, or I'd always be trying to find it which would destroy things even if by some fluke they were a good guy.

Half my life has been with him. Aside from this issue he has been a good person, the drinking issues are very new and he was working on them. He has confidence issues when it comes to intimacy, I'm not making excuses but I wonder if that sent him that way.

I am still very angry and upset... but I just need some time to gather my thoughts and figure out where I want to go from here.

You are making excuses, sorry. If you did start again with someone else in the future you might just realise how much time you’ve wasted on a complete slime ball loser. As for the “how can I convince you that I’ve changed” crap, he hasn’t changed. He just got caught. Again. And he will again. Because he is what he is. You’ve been with him since you were 18, you’ve never known a real adult relationship to compare this to, or you’d know he was a waste of time. It doesn’t matter what your mil thinks you should do (no wonder he is so bad if she thinks his behaviour is worth another try). Sorry for going on at you, it must be hard, especially at Christmas, but you would be an absolute fool to stick around for more. You’ve had TEN YEARS, at least, of sleazy behaviour, trying to cheat and lying. When on earth do you say enough??