If there's a cloud next to an app... he's downloaded it before hasn't he?

[BubbleTeaJunkie]

Been together 15 years. Pure hookup anonymous dating on his iPad.. has a cloud next to it..

I agree with every word Honeyroar wrote.

Of course your MIL wants you to fix this. But it was her son that broke it. Don't be naive, Op, your husband's parents will do and say anything for you to stay together as it makes their lives easier.

Sorry to hear that OP. It sounds like you're being manipulated though and maybe need some distance from the lot of them.

Your MIL doesn't have to live with a cheating swinebag or deal with the headfuck of knowing that her husband has cheated on her.

She can forgive him all she wants but remember he's the one who's messed this up, not you, and its not on you to mend this or just be okay with it.

His mum wants YOU to fix it???? Omg that's pretty poor of his mum. If they're that close to you then they should be supporting what you decide. And be disgusted in what the son has done - yet again a bit of emotional blackmail, but from his mum this time, to get you to have him back.
However if you think you have to fix what your partner has done, find prostitutes, random women on a night out and using not even just one dating/sex sites (maybe you need remind of what he's done) over almost 10 years!!!! It's not you that should be fixing anything. Well theres not much anyone else can say.
Maybe re read what others have said who have been in this position. To me even just one of the things he's done I could not forgive.

His mum wants you to fix it coz she doesn't want him back at her house

I wonder what his mum would think if it'd been the other way around and you'd behaved in a sleazy, deceitful manner over many years?

It does seem like you are making excuses for him but you know deep down he has gone way beyond what is acceptable. I doubt he'd have owned up to all this had you not discovered the dating apps. I also doubt he has yet to unveil the full truth of his deception. He may never do. It appears he has admitted the parts which could be traced online: dating apps, searching for prostitutes etc but left out anything that actually transpired into real life. Is this because you cannot prove these parts?

How the fuck can he have changed already? In just a few days. This "therapy" must be the best money can buy. No way has he changed just like that. It is truly impossible. This behaviour seems ingrained in who he is.

You deserve so much better than someone who you will find it hard to trust or respect. 💐

It takes a lot of effort for your boyfriend to lie and cheat like this. Effort he could have been making in your relationship.

You need an STD test as soon as possible and if you have him back have him use a condom if you want to have sex with him again.

That’s a point worth raising with your MIL - would she still think of you as her beloved daughter and perfect for her son if you’d been trying your hardest to sleep with numerous other people over the last decade?

I imagine his Mum wants you to work things out because she has an established relationship with you and likely doesn’t want to lose you as a much-loved DIL, plus she realises you are completely out of his league and wants the best for her son. You. MIL’s motives, no matter how well-meaning, are ultimately selfish and you shouldn’t feel guilted into staying by anyone.

Do you want a family one day? He could give you an STD that makes you infertile. He will likely be curiously messaging/meeting prostitutes when you have just given birth and are at your most vulnerable.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life second-guessing his every move, checking up on him all the time? All he’ll do is hide it better and you will wind up a paranoid shell of your former self. Love yourself more than that. You absolutely deserve better.

OP, you are still young enough to leave this fucking loser and find a decent man. They are out there, and finding one is great fun.

Congratulations on your work promotion. You must have worked hard to get that in these testing times, so a big ‘well done!’ from me xx

He has confidence issues when it comes to intimacy, I'm not making excuses but I wonder if that sent him that way.

He doesn’t have confidence issues. What’s more likely is he’s been fucking prostitutes for 10 years and has no reserves for you.

Come on, OP. He doesn’t just have one “issue”. Over the past decades his achievements include:

• drinking himself into oblivion
• texting/harassing other woman
• downloading multiple hook-up apps
• joining dating websites
• “cheating online”
• pricing local prostitutes (and yes, he’s had sex with them)
• continuously lied to you
• barely showed you affection & is a dud in the bedroom

One of those things should be enough to make you leave. However, you seem stuck on the fact you’ve spent “half your life” with him. Read about the “sunk costs fallacy”.

time.com/5347133/sunk-cost-fallacy-decisions/

Spend the next half of your life without this colossal loser and I guarantee, you will only find happiness & success.

Make 2021 your year!!

If your ILs had even an ounce of respect for you as a human being they would not ask you to absorb and tolerate decades of vile cheating.

They have their own agenda.

What would you advise to your own daughter or friend?

They really are despicable.

The apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree.

And his alcoholism is not a new thing. It’s always been there - it’s a progressive disease - it’s just it’s got so bad he almost needs hospitalising. It’s like boiling the frog.

None of his extreme behaviours are in any way tolerable, acceptable and IMHO fixable.

What went on in your own life to even think this is what you should endure?

No one deserves to be treated like this.

Your 15 year RS is a sham. I am sorry that you have just seen this now.

Your in laws are putting their son first by asking you to fix their sleezy son.

If they really cared about you they would tell you that you have wasted enough years with their slimy son.

Looking up the price of prostitutes???? Jesus Christ.

You need to speak to someone about your self esteem.
Why would you think that a guy who has been lying to you for most of your relationship is all you deserve.

He is grim.

Your relationship is a lie.

Do not have children with this sleeze.

The only thing that would keep a woman with scum like him is fear.

Focus on your career.
Work on your self esteem.
Make 2021 your year.

Dump his looser ass.

You deserve better.

You should cancel his family coming over.

Why would you behave normally?

He was seeking out prostitutes.

Hevis disgusting.

Your IL are also responsible for his lack of confidence. What did they do or not do that tipped him into these self destructive addictive paths - substance abuse and sex addiction it sounds like.

They are the reason he is emotionally inadequate. Send him back to them to fix.

I suspect that you have spent all of your time slogging away at your career, achieving great things and keeping this loser afloat. I bet his career and finances are tits up.

You are making excuses for his behaviour. You deserve better than this. Yes it will be tough at the start then as time goes on it gets easier. If you stay then you are setting yourself of a life of him doing this again so it won't get better. As for his mum my ex in laws told me to come to her house and she'd sort it and everyone is allowed make a mistake. I politely declined and ended my marriage. She never spoke to me again because she was embarrassed what her son had done and blamed me for the break up. I've never looked back yes it was tough at times as my kids were young but I got there without becoming a paranoid person who didn't trust her husband. Best of luck OP

Never mind what his mother thinks. If you were a mother would you want your daughter to be going through this? Would you want her to stay with an alcoholic who looked up prostitutes and had signed up to hookup sites? And then tried to blame it all on mental health problems? Is that what you would want? For yourself or your child?

I agree about the IL's being the root of his sexual issues and addictive behaviour.

My ex had an affair. His family minimised his behaviour and pandered to him whilst I was fucking broken. The reason being: they'd all cheated at one time or another. Infidelity was obviously deeply rooted in their values. He had no decent role model; cheating and deceit were commonplace, throughout his entire family.

My family, on the other hand, were absolutely disgusted with him and his vile deceit. My mum gave him both barrels and shot down his excuses. Obviously the cheating was all my fault. Initially, I thought I could make a go of it, they agreed to be civil to him, for my sake. However, family gatherings were cringeworthy. My mum could barely look at him. He found this unbearable as he loved her dearly. I recall one Sunday lunch where she jokingly told how one particular culture would have chopped off his hands for cheating. The deathly silence was suffocating. 😂

Eventually. I realised I had no respect for him, let alone trust and he simply disgusted me. I kicked him out. It was then my mother called him a "fornicating, adulterous bastard!" I just could not be with someone who had lied relentlessly as well as dipping his married wick into someone else. 🤮

His mother needs to keep her nose out and let you have some space. She really would not be reacting the same if you'd spend years seeking out sex with random people.

You can't stay with him just because you don't want to upset your life and loose contact with his parents. That's no way to live but I understand you need time to come to terms with what's happened.

Don't forget you only know any of this but you happen to notice the cloud next to the apps. He hasn't changed. The only reason he hasn't been shagging around is because he hasn't been able to find anyone to do it with.

Don't settle for a shitty life just because you can't face ending it.

If he has admitted to checking out local prostituted women and their prices then I would be utterly astonished if he hasn’t been seeing prostitutes throughout your relationship. Possibly he has some sort of fetish that he won’t admit to you, hence the lack of sexual contact with you.
This would be the end for me Op. I could not respect or love a man who thought of women as objects to be bought.
Also all the lying - you will never be able to trust him again.
I am so sorry.

It’s your life OP and your choice- all I will say as someone who stayed after finding out something that was way out my boundaries is that you will certainly struggle to trust, may not feel the same about them again and find it hard to watch anything involving sleaze or affairs. I’m much older and in a different position, , you are relatively young- that’s a lot of years to ‘not feel the same’ about someone. DOnt let your in laws guilt you- they don’t have to live with him, have sex, spend days and days in his company, kiss him —etc . If you carry on be aware after a few months he will expect you to act as if it had never happened

So, a porn user with no sex drive and a drink problem who uses dating apps and texts girls he meets on nights out?.

He’s not a catch is he?.

I’d take the promotion and start again. I’m not saying it wouldn’t break my heart if it was me.

This is all so much to take in op. You don't need to rush into a decision about anything. I don't think this is something a relationship can recover from though. It's not a failing on you, it's all him. The therapist stuff, psychological issues, whatever... Those are excuses and they're all keeping the focus on him when you're the one that's actually suffering right now!

He has broken your trust in a huge way and I don't think you will ever be able to truly feel relaxed about your relationship now you know what you know. The doubt and paranoia is enough to drive a person mad and that's no way to live. I know it might not feel this way now, but you will be able to recover from this and you will be able to trust again I'm sure of it, but I'm not sure you will be able to trust him again. I don't think I could anyway.

Just try and take it all one day at a time. Whatever you decide, it's your life and your decision, not mine and certainly not your mil's. I'm just telling you what I'd advise if you were a friend but of course you don't need to listen to me and you have to do what's best for you.

I really feel so bad for you. A lot of women have had similar or relatable experiences... My own experience was slightly different but I did find comfort in knowing that I wasn't alone in what I was going through - not that I'd wish something like this on anyone, but I hope you know what I'd mean. I know you'll be ok, it will take time though.

he has told them everything

No he hasn't. He's only told them what he's told you.

You don't have to make a final decision now, it's hard, especially at this time of year. But you can definitely tell him and the people who raised him into the kind of man he is today to give you some damn space and stop pressuring you and trying to manipulate your emotions.

I totally see everything everyone is saying. I guess I have issues of my own to find it so hard to show him the door. But I agree with posters who have said how would I advise a friend or family member in this position and I would be saying what you all are.

Part of me really does think he's not done anything physical. I honestly don't know that he has the balls! I think he has the veneer of safety behind the internet and it's much easier to be confident and go down the rabbit hole so to speak.

I still think he's a dirty bastard and have told him so. The drinking isn't alcoholism but it's more not knowing when to stop on those rare nights out we are able to have this year.

I do feel a bit numb still and I'm still on the fence where this will go. I guess I have trust issues with men in many ways. Probably quite personal but I didn't really grow up with a Male role model. His dad is possibly the closest I've had for that and we are close. My dad used to hit my mum, she's had awful luck with men including a gambling addict who brought bailiffs to our home and cleared us out.. an ex husband she caught in bed with her best friend, a controlling guy who basically gave her curfews...

Part of me feels like fuck they are all shitbags with issues so it's like a lucky dip at what you'll get. Also something else happened when I was a child that perhaps makes me not have a healthy relationship with men.

Perhaps it all leads into it and me feeling like I can't get or don't deserve better. Now this post is becoming a therapy session! I'd really like to think people are capable of change but the overwhelming response here is that they aren't...

My head is spinning at one hundred miles an hour. Not the ideal Christmas Eve.. I hope the rest of you are having a better one and I really value all of your support so much.. even though I'm not as strong as some of you right now

No not your best Christmas Eve, I’m sure. Could you get yourself counselling? Aside from what’s going on now it sounds like your expectations are very low and perhaps that’s why you keep letting him off every time this rears it’s head? It’s hard enough for someone not carrying all your baggage to deal with something like this (and I don’t mean that unkindly or to make you feel worse). You sound like you need some help.

Tonight must be so hard and overwhelming for you. Xmas just makes everything see even worse when it's "expected" to be the happiest times of the year. I'm sure you're on an emotional rollercoaster right now, flitting between rage and love.

Unfortunately love does not just disappear. It would be so much easier if it did. But you can love someone and not want to be with them. You can love someone and know you deserve better. It's so very hard, I know.

It's easy for us to suggest what to do because we are not emotionally involved, we're just strangers "looking in,". However, we have all obviously experienced similar behaviour from men and learned along the way. Their behaviour, excuses and lies are predictable. As are their initial knee jerk reactions: disclosing to family, crying, drip feeding, suggesting therapy etc. Withholding of further information - the biggest indiscretions. I know this is not what you want to hear but this is how it tends to play out.

From what you've just shared about your childhood and growing up, it seems you may benefit from some therapy yourself. Is that something you could do? My own childhood experiences were similar and it's only very recently that I've began to understand the impact of growing up around toxic men. This has certainly blurred my judgements of men and what a healthy relationship should be like. We're here for you. 💐