If there's a cloud next to an app... he's downloaded it before hasn't he?

[BubbleTeaJunkie]

Been together 15 years. Pure hookup anonymous dating on his iPad.. has a cloud next to it..

Perhaps it all leads into it and me feeling like I can't get or don't deserve better.

I am so sorry that you have had a v difficult, chaotic, abusive and neglectful childhood. It has left you wide open to to being targeted by losers and in turn tolerating their shocking behaviours. However I would say that exactly because you have had such a tough start - that you in fact deserve much much more. You deserve truth, trust, respect, kindness, support, love, loyalty, compassion and cooperation. This man isn’t capable of giving you any of this - he will continue to destroy and take from you.

Listen to your gut, let your real emotions come to the fore - don’t repress them, JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) or minimise his behaviours.

You are in shock right now, numb and derailed. Take it easy as then horror of this will likely unfold and feel intolerable shortly.

Do you have friends to support you?

Op everything you have said shows that you are a survivor, and strong. I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

Sending virtual support today OP.

You will be desperately trying to minimise this and move on; your brain will be aching with it all and wanting relief; but please, please battle through that urge and keep working through it.

This just isn't an easily fixable problem, and you don't want to be back here another ten years from now wishing you hadn't wasted yet another decade on this cheating arsehole.

It is so difficult to know what to do especially when you've been together ao long.
No one can tell you what to do and even if you stay together for now doesn't mean you cant split up later for the same issue.

I would just like to say that he will not change, my husband did very similar, 1st year of marriage i found messages to other women, we argued, i shouted and cried, he denied it and threatened to kill himself so it was swept under the carpet but never forgiven or forgotten by me.

A few months later the same, he denied it again but admitted to the previous indiscretion, more shouting and crying, more threats of suicide and more swerping under the carpet.

Do you know how long this cycle went on?
17 bloody years I put up with it.
17 years of his emotional affairs and emotional abuse.

My self confidence and self esteem were so low because I felt I wasnt good enough.

When our daughter was 8 I decided to leave when she turned 18 so I stopped checking his phone and didnt care what he did because I knew I would go eventually.

When our daughter was 15 I happened to see messages on his work phone asking a woman on a date....sonething had changed for me and I ended our marriage there and then.
He didnt think i was serious and thought it would be swept under the carpet, he knew I was serious when I instructed a solicitor to get a court order to get him out, he moved out 4 weeks after I found that message.

Unbeknowst to me he held out hope for 18 months that I was just punishing him and would have him back eventually because I'd let all the other indiscretions go so why not this one.

Apparently his depression and low self esteem meant he had to do it to get an ego boost and he would never have left me for anyone😡

What really helped me leave was that I realised he didnt really love me and he certainly didnt respect me...why would I stay married to someone who didnt respect me.

Dont be a mug like me, you have your whole life ahead of you.

My life has gone from strength to strength since I left him, we were divorced earlier this year.
I was going to stay single forever as I knew I couldnt trust a man again but I have somehow met a really amazing man who is the complete opposite of my ex.

There are good men out there but why worry about whether you need a man, no woman needs a man and if you think you do then you need to work on yourself and your own happiness.

A man should enhance your life and not be your whole life.

I look back and wonder why I put up with it all, I have deep rooted issues clearly and will probably have counselling soon so I am the best person I can be going forward.

@BubbleTeaJunkie

I totally see everything everyone is saying. I guess I have issues of my own to find it so hard to show him the door. But I agree with posters who have said how would I advise a friend or family member in this position and I would be saying what you all are.

Part of me really does think he's not done anything physical. I honestly don't know that he has the balls! I think he has the veneer of safety behind the internet and it's much easier to be confident and go down the rabbit hole so to speak.

I still think he's a dirty bastard and have told him so. The drinking isn't alcoholism but it's more not knowing when to stop on those rare nights out we are able to have this year.

I do feel a bit numb still and I'm still on the fence where this will go. I guess I have trust issues with men in many ways. Probably quite personal but I didn't really grow up with a Male role model. His dad is possibly the closest I've had for that and we are close. My dad used to hit my mum, she's had awful luck with men including a gambling addict who brought bailiffs to our home and cleared us out.. an ex husband she caught in bed with her best friend, a controlling guy who basically gave her curfews...

Part of me feels like fuck they are all shitbags with issues so it's like a lucky dip at what you'll get. Also something else happened when I was a child that perhaps makes me not have a healthy relationship with men.

Perhaps it all leads into it and me feeling like I can't get or don't deserve better. Now this post is becoming a therapy session! I'd really like to think people are capable of change but the overwhelming response here is that they aren't...

My head is spinning at one hundred miles an hour. Not the ideal Christmas Eve.. I hope the rest of you are having a better one and I really value all of your support so much.. even though I'm not as strong as some of you right now

What strikes me in what you say is that he's not as bad as the men your mum ended up with, and they're all shit to some extent so you might as well count yourself lucky that he's only done this.

There are decent men out there who would never think like him, never mind do what he's done. "Pricing up local prostitutes" would have been the absolute line in the sand for me, even if he's too scared to go through with cheating on you, paid or free.

I hope Christmas was ok - this is a crossroads, grab your new fabulous new job with both hands, get rid of anyone who has betrayed you and can't be trusted and have a wonderful future. You don't have "trust issues" - he is untrustworthy.

I do feel a bit numb still and I'm still on the fence where this will go.

Of course you are numb - your body and mind is in deep shock finding out you have been lied to a betrayed for nearly a decade. In this state your mind goes off line and it’s hard to make decisions to “sitting on the fence” is fine for now.

Just promise yourself that at this important cross roads in your life that once the numbness starts to thaw that you will (probably for the first time in your life) allow yourself to feel the sensations of your emotions and you will respect your own needs and not get railroaded and subjugated by the wants of others.

Kickingbishop - you're totally right that I do see it that way... he could be worse ie. like those men my mum had.. I guess I have issues when it comes to relationships in general.

Also I have some insecurities that make me wonder if another man would even want me.

It's a tangled web...!

@Sssloou

I do feel a bit numb still and I'm still on the fence where this will go.

Of course you are numb - your body and mind is in deep shock finding out you have been lied to a betrayed for nearly a decade. In this state your mind goes off line and it’s hard to make decisions to “sitting on the fence” is fine for now.

Just promise yourself that at this important cross roads in your life that once the numbness starts to thaw that you will (probably for the first time in your life) allow yourself to feel the sensations of your emotions and you will respect your own needs and not get railroaded and subjugated by the wants of others.

Thank you - you're right that I guess I need to wait for the shock to wear off and then then take it from there. I just don't have it in me to make any decisions right now.

I feel like even my own mum thinks I should give him another chance. She was pissed off and has some choice words to say but I think she thinks he's learnt his lesson...

It feels like people outside of this thread think this one should just be brushed under the carpet. I wonder what people would be saying if I was the one that had done these things.

Well they’d say your a slag wouldn’t they?. It’s only ok for men to do it not women.

I don’t understand why they would say that- do they know that there have been several other issues like this over the years? The carpet is getting pretty full of things being brushed under on his account.

They don’t have to live with this knowledge OP— they can be a casual observer from a safe distance— you do have to live with it— you must know a fair few people with pretty piss poor standards

Oh OP, I hope you're okay.

I don't usually read threads this long, but there were so many similarities to my experience and the feelings I experienced that I got through it.

I agree that you need time, but that time is needed to repair and get the strength to do what you know you have to do.

The way I see it when I'm questioned on it by well meaning friends and in laws, they aren't the ones that have to do all the mental gymnastics to even begin to get over this stuff and learn to live with it. He wouldn't have to do half of what you have to do. And it's not just all the lies, betrayal, trust and respect, you'd have to find a way back physically and I can barely look at my husbsnd, let alone think about kissing.

And in the future, when you hit the menopause and your sex drive takes a knock, you'll remember how you were blamed for this the last time.

No way.

I'm 6 months on from walking in on my husband camming. He moves out next week and I too had a guilt trip from his mum the other day. Honestly, if I hear 'for the kids' one more time I'm going to flip. I'm doing this FOR my kids, this is no life for any of us.

It's all legitimate what you're feeling, I was sad about losing the family side too, but what you have to do and be wouldn't be worth it in the end, and they'll still side with him in the end.

Take your time OP you've got a lot of ups and downs on the rollercoaster to go.

Ps congrats on the job! My interview for a promotion was nearly derailed by all this bit I realised I needed the job more than ever. Being busy at work has saved my sanity

@BubbleTeaJunkie

Kickingbishop - you're totally right that I do see it that way... he could be worse ie. like those men my mum had.. I guess I have issues when it comes to relationships in general.

Also I have some insecurities that make me wonder if another man would even want me.

It's a tangled web...!

But wouldn't it be better to be single than put up with that kind of man or worry about any man wanting you? I'm sure you're absolutely wonderful as you are. Time spent single is very healing in my experience.

@BubbleTeaJunkie

I feel like even my own mum thinks I should give him another chance. She was pissed off and has some choice words to say but I think she thinks he's learnt his lesson...

It feels like people outside of this thread think this one should just be brushed under the carpet. I wonder what people would be saying if I was the one that had done these things.

Remember your mum has accepted some really shitty things from men so she probably thinks it will somehow highlight her lack of strength if you don't do the same. You can break the cycle.

OP, for someone who has confidence issues you are absolutely bossing this!!

Respect to you!

Your mum probably isn't the best role model to take advice from here as much as you may love each other. And his mum is completely biased too.

Can you get space to be alone and book counselling just for you ASAP?

He probably isn't as bad as the men your mum has put up with, so in her eyes it's worth sticking with - but she hasn't a healthy view of relationships either.
Once you do a bit of reading about healthy relationships - and you should, you'll probably find that there are a lot of other things you've put up with and see as normal, that really aren't. Perhaps other readers can recommend some. If not, Google will find you some.
You are young. You deserve someone who respects both you and your relationship. Don't put up with stuff through fear of the unknown.

@Jeremyironseverything

He probably isn't as bad as the men your mum has put up with, so in her eyes it's worth sticking with - but she hasn't a healthy view of relationships either. Once you do a bit of reading about healthy relationships - and you should, you'll probably find that there are a lot of other things you've put up with and see as normal, that really aren't. Perhaps other readers can recommend some. If not, Google will find you some. You are young. You deserve someone who respects both you and your relationship. Don't put up with stuff through fear of the unknown.

I agree with this 100%. Your DM is a v poor judge of character with v low standards for herself. Her bad choices gave you a shocking childhood and a blueprint to minimise bullshit that is right under your nose. You don’t know what normal looks like. Read up in the basics of healthy relationships - or just consider how you would treat a friend or even colleague.

You are minimising the (at least) DECADE long MULTIPLE sex platforms by denying anything happened IRL. Of course it did.

You are also minimising his problematic drinking. Alcoholic Anonymous define an alcoholic not by how much, how often, or what is drunk - but by the emotional impact this has on the relationships of the drinker. Him drinking himself to oblivion so as to be nearly hospitalised - doesn’t get much worse or more problematic. A significant alcoholic trait is someone who doesn’t have a stopping point “One drink is too many - a thousand is never enough”

If you go on to have children with this character they will have the emotional life you had - chaotic and painful - leaving deep scars into adulthood - even if the “events” are different. Your Mum was with an addict, liars and cheats - different substances and different methods - but same outcome.

Have you a balanced sensible trusted friend from work who you could talk to - as your current sounding boards are both emotionally inadequate and have their own agendas.

OP if he cared about you he wouldn’t have thought to do any of those things, let alone go ahead and do them. He’s been treating you like an idiot for at least a decade, every day he’s been choosing to deceive you, congratulating himself on how clever he is to trick someone like you. It’s planned deception, this is the vile creature he is, not the ‘nice guy’ he puts forward as his image. His family just wants you to take him back because they don’t want their own image tarnished, but the truth is they are all pieces of shit lying to your face. Go no contact, after a couple of weeks you will start recognising their passive aggressive comments, even your lying partner, and you will see you are too good for all of them. OP, if you hadn’t caught him he’d still be doing it, my instinct is he would have had sex with them in your house. It’s all part of the thrill for these losers to trick you in the worst ways possible.

OP, with kindness I think you're trampling all over your own self here. He's got away with it all - and you have to know deep down there's way more to this than he's telling you - and you're sufficiently tied to the romanticised details of your relationship to be telling yourself you can stay. It won't get better. It will get worse.

He has a severe drinking problem. Cheated online . Has looked into prostitutes. Has been on numerous indecent chats/apps...

Dont minimize any of this. Dont take advice from your mum. Dont listen to your heart. Your heart loves the man you fell in love with over all these years..but your head knows that your man has turned bad. And he is looking into venturing out of this relationship. He already has. Maybe after being so long together since such a young age he is now wondering what else is out there. Which can happen. But it should involve him breaking off the relationship first. And he didnt. He is just taking you for granted and has told you many many lies. And gaslightinging you. And mistreated you and humiliated you. He has taken somethinf sacred and turned it into a web of lies a and deceit. All trust is gone. And you deserve a good honest man. Not this man your partner had turned into. And remember he didnt confess any of this.... he only told you ...little by little... after you asked him. So he didnt come clean to ask for forgiveness, he only told you because you found out.

You still love the man that you fell in love with almost 2 decades ago. But that man. Is gone. It is time to Seperate the heart from the head and open your eyes to what is staring you in the face. I am very sorry for what he made you go through. And the bottom of the shitpile hasnt been reached yet op.. trust me

I have also been really impressed with you OP and keep thinking about you because of the way you have handled this. Your mum is not going to be able to advise you because of her own experiences. Just keep in mind what you, the most important person, want and need.

Yes it just means it needs updated. I keep my phone on low power mode which means the apps don't automatically update so anything I've not used in a few days ends up with a cloud