If there's a cloud next to an app... he's downloaded it before hasn't he?

[BubbleTeaJunkie]

Been together 15 years. Pure hookup anonymous dating on his iPad.. has a cloud next to it..

iPhones store passwords under settings which are protected by Face ID/password. If the accounts are linked to his Apple ID which have been used to download them, the passwords should be stored there. Redownload the apps and log in to see what is there. Sometimes you can see when you last logged into the site. Would show whether he was actively using them.

It looks suspicious but be careful not to throw the baby out with the bath water.

Do what investigators would do.

Stop asking about tinder et cetera

Ask really calmly as though you've moved past the did he didn't download dating apps question.....

That's a given.

Ask if he slept with anybody?
Ask if he chatted for long before meeting women?
Ask him if he met any women more than once.
ASk him if he used a condom when he slept with his dates.

JUST move your questioning past the did he didn't he down load apps.

I could never imagine him sending photos etc let alone meeting someone

Same as all the other women who've been in this position. VPN has nothing to do with private browsing either. I think you've hit the tip of a very large iceberg.

he said it's possible he did download Tinder just out of curiosity when it first came out

He's admitted using chat roulette then searching for other apps similar

it was just innocent mostly, he was just looking

Ah sorry OP, so begins the sequence of events that youvegottenminuteslynn listed above.

You said he arrived home emotional so you obviously gave him a heads-up before he got home and he handed over his phone so readily because he'd had time to delete everything.

It's funny isn't it, these hackers that get into people's accounts and download apps never download stuff like games or educational apps, it's always hook-up apps.

What a bastard.

This must be a real shock to you op! He is gaslighting you, don't let him do this to you. No one can tell you to leave but you need to stick to your guns and tell him if he can't be honest you will not work, as you will not tolerate being lied to any longer.

Get yourselves an STI check.

It’s a v simple, discreet, walk in process.

He is in deep and will lie and lie and lie - so don’t even bother asking him. If you need proof - take some of the tech actions PP have suggested.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Be careful he's not at the start of the age old sequence of events, roughly as follows...

How could you think I would download them?!

Ok well I must have accidentally downloaded them

If that's not possible I must have been hacked

Ok I downloaded them but just out of curiosity (he's already done this excuse for tinder)

Ok I messaged some people but never organised to met up (as if that makes it ok)

Ok I organised to meet up but I didn't actually go

Ok I went but only because I didn't want to be rude and be a no show

Ok I went and we kissed then I realised it was wrong and deleted everything because I love you

Ok I slept with her but I felt sick after and told her we couldn't see each other any more
Etc etc

Ask him why hackers would hack his phone, download six hook up / dating apps then uninstall them, all without his knowledge...

Ask yourself that too.

Sorry OP he's full of shit and it's insulting he's treating you as if you're stupid.

Ah as it thought, he has started this process... people like him are so embarrassingly textbook not even realising they are using a script many before them have used too.

Innocent "mostly"? Ugh he sounds like a prick OP. He's lied and lied and he's doing the cruellest thing possible which is dripfeeding the least he can admit to at each stage as more and more gets found out.

He's admitted to porn now too... tbh I don't think that's a problem I know most guys do. He's always denied it though so don't get why he was never honest about it in the past.

He's got very limited sexual interest in me so it hurts to know he has a sex drive for porn, interactive chat, apps... etc not his own girlfriend.

My self esteem has taken a bit of a beating this evening.

@BubbleTeaJunkie

He's admitted to porn now too... tbh I don't think that's a problem I know most guys do. He's always denied it though so don't get why he was never honest about it in the past.

He's got very limited sexual interest in me so it hurts to know he has a sex drive for porn, interactive chat, apps... etc not his own girlfriend.

My self esteem has taken a bit of a beating this evening.

It's not you op I promise ❤️ I felt the same I felt worthless . It's him ! And he would and will be the same who ever he is with . Go find your self a real man who will love you ! Get rid of that sleazy rat and kick him out ! He's turning me sick and I don't even know him ! It's not wanking off to porn he needs it a good counselling session 🤢

Can you get access to his emails? Usually you have to sign up to these things with an address so if you do a search for tinder or the app names something might appear if he ever signed up to anything.

It doesn't look good, what does your gut say?

Whatever you choose, don't allow the 14 years you've already spent with him to be a reason for staying. I've seen so many people stay with abusive, unfaithful or otherwise awful men simply because "we've been together for so long and I can't throw it away". Guess what? They just end up throwing away more and more years. Years that they could be spending happily single or with a much better partner.

I’m so sorry he is drip feeding this all to you.

Did you tell him what you had found before he got home? He would have had plenty of time to delete it all.

He's always denied it though so don't get why he was never honest about it in the past.

Because he is dishonest.
Because he is a liar.

More drip feeding as PP said .... he is working his way down the list.

Sounds like he is sexually and emotionally inadequate.

Anyone deserves better than this.

Do you have DCs together to consider?

just innocent mostly

What does that even mean, other than 'I'm really, really trying to minimise that I've cheated on you'?

I'm sorry OP. This is such a shitty thing for him to have done and for you to have found out now.

Thank you all for your support ❤️

I've got some thinking to do.

Someone please correct me if I’m wrong - but could it be these apps are on another iPhone? - but showing because he’s using the one iCloud account?

I would reinstall and see if a profile loads.

I would also search on his personal email for the names of the apps to see if there are any old notification emails etc. But he may have accessed them using a fake email (that’s more likely).

OP what do you mean he has limited sexual interest in you?

Just wanted to send you a virtual hand hold. What a shitty shitty time of year to find this out. Was everything from 2015 or any more recently do you know? More importantly can you spend the next 15 years wondering what the hell he is up to behind your back?
People can get curious, that’s fine, but personally I would never ever act on it because it would never be worth losing something love for.. he took that gamble, does that really show you are top of his priorities? I can imagine it’s almost impossibly hard to make a decision to throw away such a long term relationship, but he chose to risk that by doing what he did. Distrust and a wrecked self esteem can eat you up, little by little, day by day, till there’s nothing left. It is his mistake, not yours. 💐

Haven't read the thread so may be repeating other posters but can you say 'forgot password' type in his email and see if he gets an email to his account to reset? If so, he has registered on these apps.

Because if you just ask him he'll say he downloaded it to see what it was because a mate was talking about it and OF COURSE he would never message anyone or meet them, how could you even think that, OMG you have hurt him sooooo much...

I was spun this line once, stupidly believed him for 7 more years 🙄 1 month free!

Hes lying. Hes feeding you 'more acceptable' truths (the porn) to distract you.

I'm sorry you're going through this op. I've been through the same it was gut wrenching. It sounds to me like your dp has emotionally checked out of your relationship but like most men won't actually leave unless they've got another woman lined up.

He has admitted to 'online cheating' but not anything in person. To be honest, I can't believe him either way and I don't think that changes anything. The intent was there and he's done things online with real people.

I'm mortified that we went out to do the food shop for Christmas Day together yesterday while he continued to lie and manipulate me that he was so innocent, trying to speculate possible reasons it had happened, offering to speak to his IT friend who knows even more than he does to see if there was any logical reason for them to get on there... and how embarrassed that would make him etc. How can someone be so fake!

Not sure what to do for Christmas Day now. In tier 2, got all the food, made all the plans for immediate family to come over. They know everything, I sent him packing to stay with his mum last night. Will be a miserable Christmas either way but I wonder if having our parents here and trying to have some normal ish day will be a good distraction for now. I just don't know. I won't be speaking to him anyway.

Yes, OP, go ahead and have your parents over for Christmas. It's been a crap year anyway and on top of that he turned out to be a cheating, gas-lighting a*hole, you deserve to have the company of people who love you to bits. Let your parents come and give you a cuddle, cry into your Brussels sprouts and turkey if you have to, watch something on TV to take your mind off it, open some prezzies.

I am so, so sorry for your situation, I can't begin to think how gutted you must feel.