If there's a cloud next to an app... he's downloaded it before hasn't he?

[BubbleTeaJunkie]

Been together 15 years. Pure hookup anonymous dating on his iPad.. has a cloud next to it..

@BubbleTeaJunkie

Thank you so much everyone

He's returned home and is currently talking to a therapist online to try and understand his issues.. I'm unsure what this is for tbh.

Exactly what @youvegottenminuteslynn said, he’s doing this for show. He had plenty of opportunities to come clean about his “issues” when you confronted him to start with, and all he’s done is lie with convincing tears and big sad eyes. He needs to admit to what he’s done and take responsibility for it, but he’s chosen to deflect. It wouldn’t surprise me if his next move is to say his therapist says you are to blame for being emotionally distant with him or some other crap.

Whatever you choose to do, remember that he chose to do this every step of the way and nobody is responsible for his actions except him.

So sorry you're going through this.

Take your time to decide what you want and don't be rushed or manipulated now he is making a show of "working on himself".

@BubbleTeaJunkie

Thank you so much everyone

He's returned home and is currently talking to a therapist online to try and understand his issues.. I'm unsure what this is for tbh.

Window dressing.

He doesn't want to lose his home comforts with you.

Remember this: The others he has been adamant, in tears, looking me in the eyes, that he didn't download and has never created profiles.

This ^^ was a lie and an act. I'm sorry but there will be more to come if you keep pressing, the therapist is a distraction. It's really good you've told people in real life. This is. not your fault, it's all on him.

It’s because he has reached “it’s not me it’s a mental health problem” stage, I hated that stage because it’s guilt tripping and fucking insensitive to anyone with an actual MH problem.

For me the next stage was “I’m going to get better but we need to work together as you weren’t there for me when I needed you so it MADE me seek attention elsewhere” he’ll blame you, if it works you’ll feel guilty and your female instinct will be to work on it and fix it.

Save yourself the agony, have Christmas with just your family and kick him out permanently. Otherwise the next step is either:

1 - forgive him and live untrusting and unhappy forever

2 - do the “should we shouldn’t we fix it” dance for a wasted year of your life before ending it. (2 years for me!)

Rip the bandaid off it’s easier in the long term x

You are being incredibly brave OP but for me he'd have to go. As you said you can't believe him either way.

He's betrayed you, what a total bastard, MH issues or not. It's nice he's going to a therapist to understand why he's done it but the bottom line would be them same. He's cheated. I'm so sorry for you.

Oh he sounds like such an idiot OP, going through this therapist pretence. He's just a sleaze like every other man before him. I'm glad you are not sure what it's for - you're not falling for his big show. Just think rationally about what's in it for you if you are considering a reconciliation. If being with him is worthwhile for you on balance then fine. If its for him then just put yourself first.

@DrizzleandDamp

It’s because he has reached “it’s not me it’s a mental health problem” stage, I hated that stage because it’s guilt tripping and fucking insensitive to anyone with an actual MH problem.

For me the next stage was “I’m going to get better but we need to work together as you weren’t there for me when I needed you so it MADE me seek attention elsewhere” he’ll blame you, if it works you’ll feel guilty and your female instinct will be to work on it and fix it.

Save yourself the agony, have Christmas with just your family and kick him out permanently. Otherwise the next step is either:

1 - forgive him and live untrusting and unhappy forever

2 - do the “should we shouldn’t we fix it” dance for a wasted year of your life before ending it. (2 years for me!)

Rip the bandaid off it’s easier in the long term x

Totally agree with all of this!

I did the wasted year and pick me dance. It wasn't 'online cheating' but and emotional affair with a younger colleague. But either way, online cheating is still cheating...investing time in other people and not with you. The relationship is over and I'd be packing him back to his parents, for sure. Don't believe the bollocks about him going to a counsellor, because mine did that too. Referred to one and then did fuck all about it because muggins here believed he would follow through with seeing one. Honestly, it's a LTB for me and not something you can get past.

I really feel for you. Today is the anniversary of the straw that broke the camels back with my ex. This shit definitely follows a script and part of that is doing it again if you don't get rid first time. I hope you can salvage something of Christmas and start the new year as you mean to go on.

His issue is sadly he doesn't value the relationship enough to be committed and faithful. But he's trying to hide behind a 'disorder' or 'problem' Dont fall for it op.

If he's supposedly getting therapy, there'll be more to this. Brace yourself for more to be drip fed.

Yeah he's now blaming it on mental health. Tell him to jog on if he tries that on you. What an arsehole.

He's returned home and is currently talking to a therapist online to try and understand his issues

He doesn't need a therapist I can tell him what his issues are for free...

He's an entitled wanker that needed to feel the the thrill of something new and shiney to fill a void where a soul should be and boost his eggshell ego.

Seriously I wouldn't trust this twat as far as I could throw him, especially after the whole ametuer dramatics crocodile tears performance. As I said before it's the tip of a very large iceberg.

Cut and run as fast as you can before youre tied in by kids and marriage. There's no depression here OP it was all down to thrill seeking and ego massage.... Yes some people really are that shallow and empty!

💐 For you

The therapy is for show to try and make you think he's changed. It's all drama to stop you leaving him. He wants there to be a 'reason' so you can't blame him or be mad because he couldn't help it

I didn't know that there was a specific therapy to resolve the mental illness of 'talking to women on sex and dating apps and then lying about it'. The CEO of that therapy business must be the same person who published the fucking step by step instructions about what to say and do when you have been caught cheating. It's crazy how they all do the same thing. Sadly my XH neither resolved his 'MH issues' or topped himself as promised.

The next step after grovelling is usually more along the lines of self-defensivenss, where he'll blame you and getting angry. Brace yourself for seeing a total stranger in a while and wondering if you ever knew him.

Bubble I’m so sorry. You must feel so betrayed.

You must prioritise yourself in all of this though- can he not do this from his mum’s? Or can you leave and stay with your parents?

@Closetbeanmuncher

He's returned home and is currently talking to a therapist online to try and understand his issues

He doesn't need a therapist I can tell him what his issues are for free...

He's an entitled wanker that needed to feel the the thrill of something new and shiney to fill a void where a soul should be and boost his eggshell ego.

Seriously I wouldn't trust this twat as far as I could throw him, especially after the whole ametuer dramatics crocodile tears performance. As I said before it's the tip of a very large iceberg.

Cut and run as fast as you can before youre tied in by kids and marriage. There's no depression here OP it was all down to thrill seeking and ego massage.... Yes some people really are that shallow and empty!

💐 For you

Spot on. Also no idea where you can get an online therapist of any repute days before Xmas. It’s just a time wasting charade. You are supposed to hang around while he chats to someone for 50 minutes a week trying to fix his straying cock that his mind has no control over ......!

If it were one app then fair enough. But 6?

He probably doesn’t consider it cheating but you won’t feel the same about him.

He's following my predicted script from upthread and already reached the 'ok I did it but I never actually met them' stage.

Next will be the reasons for his behaviour, all of which will involve him being a victim. They will include some or all of the following:

Deep rooted insecurity
Didn't feel confident so sought validation elsewhere
Felt you didn't feel the same as you used to so wanted attention elsewhere
Depressed and needed a fantasy outlet
Couldn't talk to you because you were always busy / dismissive / didn't care / don't understand him

@BubbleTeaJunkie

Thank you so much everyone

He's returned home and is currently talking to a therapist online to try and understand his issues.. I'm unsure what this is for tbh.

Oh for Gods sake!!! He now has a therapist? You couldnt make it up!!

Did he download an app for that too?

I’m so sorry this has happened OP. Maybe you should call his bluff and ask to take part in some couples counselling with him. Hopefully they could help focus on why he has betrayed you and acted so awfully

He is lying. I never thought my DH could lie so eloquently as I did and try to gas light me when I had suspicions. He also is the quiet shy one that no one ever thought would behave that way. You just never know

I hate to say it but I’d be pressing him for details about his work colleague too. I doubt you’ve heard the full story there either. Sorry OP. What an awful time to find out 💐

He found a therapist very quickly! He's full of shit, i knew he was after the teary 'looking into your eyes' bit of overacting.

You can't trust what he says that's for sure.

Sending unMumsnetty hugs to you OP