Not comfortable performing oral sex with new guy after abusive relationship.

[Fightingback16]

So I just feel terrible. I’ve been with a new guy for a few months now. Before him I was in an abusive relationship for years that was a couple of years back.

Bad things happened especially around oral sec and I’m just not ready to perform oral sex and I’ve explained I just need a bit of time to feel more comfortable.
Last night he really pressed me for it and the more he did the more I couldn’t and I got upset and sat in the toilet, he doesn’t know that.

I feel very guilty and just think I should walk away because he must be unhappy and it’s making me feel very uncomfortable. We do other things but he isn’t really that interested in the lady part just the mouth. It’s a shame because he is nice guy and I find him attractive it’s just I can’t seem to let go.

What should I do?

Walk away, now. End it and bar him.
You have your boundaries and any man you’re going to be with needs to accept that.
I no longer do oral. End of.

I don’t think he is a very nice guy.
You can’t separate this behaviour from him and say that aside from this he is nice.
This behaviour makes him pretty awful.
Does he know the reasons why you’re uncomfortable?
He should never ever make you feel pressured. In my opinion, he shouldn’t even be asking for that if he knows the circumstances.
You deserve somebody who cares about you - the whole of you, and your well-being.

If he can't respect and understand your decision here, walk away.

Have you explained to him that if he'd been anally raped in the past he might not want you to use a dildo on him?

Seriously OP, he's not coming across well here at all. He should not be pressuring you for oral sex (or any other kind of sex) after you've said no. Time to throw this one back and move on.

Have you had counselling after your abusive relationship?

I would say that I guy that pressurised you to do something you didn’t want to do, no matter what your reasoning isn’t a nice guy.

I would rethink the relationship and give it a break. This is supposed to be fun for you !!

I would leave him. He should not be pressuring you, especially if he knows your reasons why. He's not respectful of you and doesn't sound like a nice person.

Please, please walk away from him. You have nothing to feel guilty about. He's really not nice - he's selfish and nasty.

He doesn't sound nice at all from what you have described. He sounds like he doesn't care about your previous abuse and simply wants you to give him bjs.

Is he interested in your personality at all? What do you spend your time together doing ?

Hes not a nice guy. End it and soend time on your own licking your wounds. You arent ready for relations yet.

Someone 'in the moment' might get a bit carried away, but pressing for a particular act which you have said you will not do is wrong.

Don't tell him that you're 'not ready', tell him that you do not do that. And that if he can't deal with it, then he needs to say so, and never again to press you for it.

If he does, then get up and leave

You are worth so much more than this. If your partner does not get the basics that no means no, you are unlikely ever to get the reassurance you need from him.

He's not a nice guy. He really isn't. Take care of yourself, and stay far away from anyone who puts that kind of pressure on you.

Last night I went and he was practically begging and it completely destroyed the mood and I just wanted to walk out. There were many other things to do but he kept saying please go on just a little..... in the end nothing happened and I thought considering how excited he was he could have just moved on to something else but nope. I think he was annoyed with me but I can’t help it.
He does know because I told him I’m uncomfortable with it at the moment, I’m not saying never but just to give me a bit of time. I feel like he is only interested in sex from me and not me as a person. Plus he does watch porn and I suspect lots of oral porn.

It's not you, it's him.

Yeah it’s time to leave him to his porn.
He sounds embarrassing if I’m honest.
You deserve much better!!!

And so you're... ending things with him? I really hope so.

You definitely need counselling as you’re still in the same mindset as you appear to have been in the abusive relationship. You’re hiding being upset with him from him. You should not have had to go into the toilet and hide that you were upset.

He should be able to see that he has upset you and be apologetic for that - no excuses - “I’m sorry that I was trying to pressure you to do something you don’t feel comfortable doing. I’ll never do it again”. That’s the only response from him that is acceptable in this situation if you’re going to continue seeing him.

You are prioritising his feelings over yours. You feel guilty about making him unhappy when he’s the one who should be feeling guilty about making you unhappy.

You need to honest with him. Tell him how much he’s upset you. Tell him he’s pressuring you to do something sexual you don’t want to which is abusive. You may never want give oral sex and if he can’t be in a relationship without it then you should break up.

It’s okay to end a relationship if the other person doesn’t want to have oral sex and you enjoy that and don’t want a relationship without it. It’s not okay to try and force the other person to commit a sexual act they don’t want to do. A genuinely nice man would not do that.

After your previous abuse, you need a man with empathy and understanding. This man isn't that man.

There is nothing "wrong" with you. But there sure is something wrong with him.

Give yourself the best Xmas present ever and drop this entitled wank stain. Imagine how much better you'll feel, not constantly dreading the onslaught of whining and begging.

Urgh. Cut your losses now and leave him to his sad little porn watching.

I agree with @AuntieStella

Don't tell him that you're 'not ready', tell him that you do not do that.

That goes with all your future relationships too. Tell them from the start you don’t do oral sex. If they agree to that, it should never be discussed again unless you bring it up and decide at a later date you want to do it.

Yes I am heavily considering leaving. I thought I could work through it but not like this, this is just making me feel terrible about myself and I’ve done enough of that over the last decade. Yea I have definitely done enough crying in secret afraid to upset people and I shouldn’t don’t want to be doing that again.

I feel so shit and down this morning that I will always have these mental scars.

Another abuser to be op. Seems suspect that the second you say you arent into oral sex, he starts to pressure you for it.

But at best, you've already told him no and he is still pestering you for it.

He is horrible op. Ditch him and stay single until you've worked on being happy in you own company for a while. Because if you were happy in yourself and strong, you wouldnt continue dating people like him, that have a gazillion red flags.

This will always be a part of you, and that’s why I said that you need to set your own boundaries.
If a man tries to overstep them, you immediately walk away.

The fact you explained and he pushed your boundaries rings alarm bells.

He’s NOT a nice guy - please walk away from him