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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not comfortable performing oral sex with new guy after abusive relationship.

155 replies

Fightingback16 · 20/12/2020 07:48

So I just feel terrible. I’ve been with a new guy for a few months now. Before him I was in an abusive relationship for years that was a couple of years back.

Bad things happened especially around oral sec and I’m just not ready to perform oral sex and I’ve explained I just need a bit of time to feel more comfortable.
Last night he really pressed me for it and the more he did the more I couldn’t and I got upset and sat in the toilet, he doesn’t know that.

I feel very guilty and just think I should walk away because he must be unhappy and it’s making me feel very uncomfortable. We do other things but he isn’t really that interested in the lady part just the mouth. It’s a shame because he is nice guy and I find him attractive it’s just I can’t seem to let go.

What should I do?

OP posts:
SpudulikaSlob · 20/12/2020 08:36

Unfortunately some males will use information about past abuse as they then know what you have done in the past, it becomes "why for him and not for me?"
It's a sick mentality and like others have said, the fact he's refusing to take no for an answer makes him a not nice man.
The fact he's pushing in this area in particular, knowing that it is difficult for you, makes him a potential abuser.

Would you push some act, knowing the other person didn't want to? No, of course not. Because it would be cruel, but he has no qualms doing that to you.

Lozzerbmc · 20/12/2020 08:38

You can do without a man in your life pressuring you for sex! He is not respecting your wishes - he is just thinking of his own. No a good basis for a healthy relationship.

End it and find a lovely man who does respect you.

Dery · 20/12/2020 08:44

You say you’re seriously considering “leaving”. You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself and making it much bigger than it is by referring to “leaving”. It’s been a few months, not years. You end the relationship. You just tell him it isn’t working for you. And keep it ended. His behaviour is abusive. You’ve shown good boundaries (well done for that) but he is shitting on them. You started off saying he was a lovely guy but he is very far from that and your updates show that you know that. You need to ask yourself why you were trying to persuade yourself that this man was lovely. I think you probably need to do some work on yourself before you enter another relationship to look at why you’re trying to persuade yourself that these exploitative, nasty men are relationship material.

But as I said - you’ve shown great boundaries, OP - you’ll get there. Onwards and upwards.

taskmasterfan · 20/12/2020 08:44

As well as him being an insensitive selfish idiot who is not right to help you heal your scars, you also sound sexually mis
Matched. If oral is his primary focus and its unlikely that it will ever become something you love although you might grow to tolerate it-then there will always be resentment between you.

Maybe you just aren't compatible:

Tomcullenisahero · 20/12/2020 08:45

He sounds incredibly selfish, cold and heartless. This man is in a relationship with you, he should care for you and want the best for you but instead is bullying you into something you don't want to do. You really don't need this in your life.
I hope you find a truly lovely man who will bring you happiness, not more tears.

Quartz2208 · 20/12/2020 08:57

This is not you it is him. He is pressuring you and that is off putting for anyone

snookercue · 20/12/2020 08:57

Last night he really pressed me for it

He is also abusive Sad

Candyfloss99 · 20/12/2020 09:04

He sounds horrible. If you say no it's a no. You don't have to explain yourself at all. Just walk away. It'll be no loss to you.

GammyLeg · 20/12/2020 09:10

He sounds horrible, disrespectful at best and abusive at worst.

Listen to that warning bell OP - walk away.

category12 · 20/12/2020 09:10

Op, if you ever feel like just walking out or that you're being pressured for sexual acts you don't want to perform, just follow through and leave. It's OK. You don't have to stay, you don't have to put up with being treated badly, you don't have to tolerate being guilted or manipulated or blackmailed.

It really doesn't matter what the sexual act is, or why you don't want to do it, you have the right to say no, always, and you should not be subjected to a campaign to get you to do it anyway.

Please bin this guy off. He's not a good person.

crankysaurus · 20/12/2020 09:11

It's completely fine to say 'I don't do oral' and have that as a hard boundary for as long as you want, including forever.

And he doesn't sound like he's the one for you, it's okay to just leave.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 20/12/2020 09:14

I know what you are all saying but I can’t help but feel I am the problem here. It’s quite a vanilla act really and he is just a guy who knows nothing of what I went through and probably has no idea what I’m saying to him. He doesn’t feel abusive but I think you right in that we are not compatible. I need someone with understanding and I think he wants a lovely girl with no issues....

OP posts:
Mylittlepony374 · 20/12/2020 09:14

Please please leave. It's ok for him to ask but when you say no (especially with your reason why but even with no reason other than you don't want to) then it ends there. If he pushes it further he has no respect for you and someone who wants to put their dick in your mouth when you don't want them to is rapey as fuck.
There are nicer men out there who do not behave like this. You deserve better.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 20/12/2020 09:17

That’s the problem @Mylittlepony374 he knows that my ex did things against my will and for him to still want to put it in my mouth means he isn’t really bothered about me as a person just a person with a mouth.

OP posts:
robinshire · 20/12/2020 09:17

Its a shame because he is a nice guy

NO** op! No he is not! He's pretty bloody shit actually! Walk away now! Please.
I don't do oral sex for similar reasons to you and my husband has never EVER pressured me or made me feel guilty about that!
No one should be pressured into doing something they are uncomfortable with during sex at any time, even without a history of abuse!

Quartz2208 · 20/12/2020 09:22

No girl with no issues would want a man who sees them like he does OP and has a clear obsession with oral porn

But he clearly isn’t helping your recovery so you need to cut him loose

category12 · 20/12/2020 09:23

You say he knows nothing of what you went through, yet say he knows your ex did things against your will? Seems a bit contradictory. Even if he doesn't know the details, he does know enough that if he were a good person, he wouldn't be going on about performing an act you've refused.

Mylittlepony374 · 20/12/2020 09:23

He's not a nice person. No good person wants to have sex with anyone that's not totally and enthusiastically consensual.
He knows your history and he's not looking out for you, just for himself.
He is abusive too and I think you know you need to leave. You will find a decent man who respects you.

Wanderlusto · 20/12/2020 09:26

Your last two posts contradict eachother op.

'Knows nothing of what I went through' and 'knows ex did things against my will'. So he knows the score even if he doesnt know the play by play account.

Heads up, I told a partner 'no oral for now' a few months back and he said 'that's ok' and hasn't said a peep on the subject since. I have no backstory, just not up for that stuff with him atm until a little further down the line. No means no. If they aren't ok with it - they can leave.

MoonlightMedicine · 20/12/2020 09:27

Run a mile OP. He is not a good guy.

Clymene · 20/12/2020 09:27

He asked, you said no. At that point he should just say okay then. He's trying to break down your boundaries and he is not a good bloke.

And do not feel bad that you bear the scars of your abuse. It's not your fault and a decent man would be enormously sensitive. If you think about it, if you had done it, you wouldn't have enjoyed it. He knew that and wanted you to do it anyway.

MandB23 · 20/12/2020 09:28

He’s a bad person.
Would you make him do something he didn’t want to do? Ever. Even without the added history.
He doesn’t respect you or care for you. That means you need to end it now.
It would only get worse.
Their is nothing wrong with you. You don’t need to excuse him by saying it’s ‘vanilla’. It doesn’t matter how adventurous something is - you don’t have to do it!!!
There are a lot of people who just don’t do it because they don’t like it.
Their is more to sex and even more to a relationship than oral sex. If he’s willing to damage your relationship to get himself off then he doesn’t really value it very much does he.
Care for yourself the same way that you would for anybody else you love. You deserve to feel safe and secure. I can’t imagine that sex is much fun with him when you know their is an added pressure and that he is wanting something that you don’t want to give. Sex is quite important in a relationship but more than that, it highlights how he sees you.

category12 · 20/12/2020 09:29

And think about it - sex is supposed to be mutually enjoyable and fun for both parties. Would you want to persuade or pressure him to do something you knew he actively didn't want to do?!

Why do men get away with this shit where women end up thinking they should be doing things they don't want to, when actually it's gross that the guy wants to make you.

CodenameVillanelle · 20/12/2020 09:29

You're NOT the problem here, he is
Please dump him, you deserve better

Dashel · 20/12/2020 09:31

Apart from the fact that as other posters are saying good men don’t push boundaries, assuming you magically get over your issue with oral sex, it sounds like that’s all the sex he is going to be interested in and do you want your future sex life to be all about giving him blow jobs?

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