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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not comfortable performing oral sex with new guy after abusive relationship.

155 replies

Fightingback16 · 20/12/2020 07:48

So I just feel terrible. I’ve been with a new guy for a few months now. Before him I was in an abusive relationship for years that was a couple of years back.

Bad things happened especially around oral sec and I’m just not ready to perform oral sex and I’ve explained I just need a bit of time to feel more comfortable.
Last night he really pressed me for it and the more he did the more I couldn’t and I got upset and sat in the toilet, he doesn’t know that.

I feel very guilty and just think I should walk away because he must be unhappy and it’s making me feel very uncomfortable. We do other things but he isn’t really that interested in the lady part just the mouth. It’s a shame because he is nice guy and I find him attractive it’s just I can’t seem to let go.

What should I do?

OP posts:
honeylulu · 20/12/2020 12:16

Please end it with him. Lots of concerning stuff here.

You told him you don't want to give oral and why. He asked anyway. He has no respect for your opinions, feelings or boundaries.

He then kept pressuring you. This is coercive and abusive. He has no respect for you as a woman or a person. He thinks of you as a hole that should be available for his use.

He isn't interested in your lady part. I'm not sure if you mean he isn't interested in giving you oral or if he isn't interested in intercourse (just getting blow jobs), or both. Whatever, it's bad news.

Not willing or interested in giving you oral despite expecting it - selfish. Doesn't care if you're getting any pleasure. It's all about him.

Not interested in PIV. At all? Oh dear. Nothing wrong with enjoying oral but for most (?) couples PIV is the act where you enjoy mutually pleasuring each other. Most men would be loving the idea of getting in there. And he doesn't want to ....? He just wants you to pleasure him when and how he wants. Just a gob, not a person. No thanks.

Sorry if this is harsh and coarse. Please give it some thought though.

WeeMadArthur · 20/12/2020 12:22

It doesn’t even matter if you have past issues that mean that you don’t want to do oral, it should jus be enough that you don’t want to. Can you imagine ever insisting a partner do something to you that they didn’t want to? And can you imagine enjoying them doing it to you even though you know they don’t want to do it and aren’t enjoying it?

He is not the one for you OP.

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 20/12/2020 12:38

Tell him to fuck the fuck off with his demands. You don't owe sex to anyone. Lots of women never give oral - that is fine. He is an abusive bully and will only get worse.

TheCattleGrid · 20/12/2020 12:40

What @mrsbobdylan says.

Please don't see him again.

sociallydistained · 20/12/2020 13:01

I can't believe he did that after you said how you felt. My partner would never beg for oral sex and that's without the talk about it. Wow. Poor you, OP. I think you're better off without him. You need time to heal.

Jenifirtree · 20/12/2020 13:02

Another one echoing evedyone else. End this now

YoniAndGuy · 20/12/2020 13:11

Last night he really pressed me for it and the more he did the more I couldn’t and I got upset and sat in the toilet, he doesn’t know that.

wtf?! Dump him!!!

NO decent man would 'press' you for ANYTHING... the fact that he did so after you'd told him you were uncomfortable with it tells you 100% that you've got another abusive shit on your hands.

There is no grey area here. Honestly, it sounds as if you need to take a break from dating for a while and maybe have a think about whether you are gravitating towards men like this.

YoniAndGuy · 20/12/2020 13:12

@Fightingback16

That’s the problem *@Mylittlepony374* he knows that my ex did things against my will and for him to still want to put it in my mouth means he isn’t really bothered about me as a person just a person with a mouth.
EXACTLY.

He's NOT a nice guy. He really isn't.

You MUST start believing that or you are not going to get further.

pinkyredrose · 20/12/2020 13:25

You're in another abusive relationship. Please put yourself first and don't see him again, he's making you unhappy.

Onadifferentuniverse · 20/12/2020 14:10

Op have you done the freedom programme?

Lots of women don’t like to give oral sex, it’s ok to not want to do it- even without past trauma.

Op can you imagine if you behaved the same towards someone who didn’t want to give you oral sex.

He’s not a nice person.
Please leave the situation.

Colourmeclear · 20/12/2020 14:49

I do think men don't realise just how suffocating blow jobs can be, literally silenced and quite often restrained. I don't think I'll ever do them again. I have had a lot of awful experiences with men who pushed me too fast, completely oblivious to the fact that they were cutting off their nose to spite their face.

My current partner and I haven't had sex or oral sex in years because of my previous experiences, not once has he pressured me. He doesn't even know exactly what happened, he just knows it upsets me and that when I'm ready we'll get there.

You deserve someone who is looking at you as a whole not your body and your mind in isolation. Give lip service to one and then use the other.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 20/12/2020 16:25

I hate just not being normal and always having to know what I know and I hate being vulnerable and needy. And now I don’t trust this Man. I have been having the feeling from the beginning he isn’t interested in me as a person, crap !

OP posts:
Dashel · 20/12/2020 16:40

There are good men out there, this one isn’t and whilst you waste your time on the bad ones, it means you get less time with your good one , so dump him and any don’t waste time on the bad ones, dump them as soon as you realise they aren’t worth it.

MrsOmelette · 20/12/2020 16:43

Please walk away!!
My husband knew from the beginning of our relationship that I had been a victim of domestic violence. He never pushes for any type of sex, he’s always over the moon we are simply showing our love for each other and is respectful if that is a cuddle on the settee with some chocolate and a cuppa or in bed. I do not perform oral sex. I do not perform, period. I will not feel like a sex object, ever again. My husband accepts that utterly. He also accepted and researched what menopause means for women. Don’t be treated anything less than the fabulous being you are.

akittencalledjesus · 20/12/2020 16:43

There's nothing abnormal about you. I'm ok giving oral, when freshly washed only, and absolutely no way does my DP get to "finish" in my mouth. He respects that.

You really need to stop telling yourself that you are the problem. You are not. You are perfectly normal. Look at the number of PPs who do not like giving oral, many of which haven't been abused: They just don't like it. And that is fine.

Porn really does have a lot to answer for.

Decemberdaily · 20/12/2020 16:56

You are normal. It is utterly normal not to want or be interested in all parts of sex, even without a history of abuse. And preferring only vanilla - so what? It's perfectly possible to have a rich, varied, loving sexual relationship and keep things totally 'vanilla'. A decent loving partner will accept that and accept your boundaries. Not accepting your refusal reflects very badly on him and not on you in the slightest. Add to that a history of abuse and his behaviour is just vile.
You are worth so much more than him —listen to everyone here, not him - you deserve so much better than this FlowersCake

okokok000 · 20/12/2020 16:57

You ARE normal.

There is nothing wrong with having boundaries and only doing things that make you comfortable and happy. Anyone that says or suggests otherwise ought to be ignored. Anyone that cares for you will not be pushy or test your boundaries.

I'm sorry you've experienced this and been made to feel uncomfortable / wrong.

Chimeraforce · 20/12/2020 16:58

Walk away, put him back on the wanker shelf. Look after yourself. Guys who demand bj's are ten a penny. He's not exceptional. Not worth your time.

TheCattleGrid · 20/12/2020 16:59

Yeah you are normal. That's why 100 people on here have said you're right. We all think he's the one with the problem. Whatever you feel is always right.

GlowingOrb · 20/12/2020 17:03

You explained your boundaries and he tried repeatedly to push past him. This is not you. It’s all him. He is the broken person, not you. You told him what you needed. That is a healthy, positive approach to being in a relationship. You should dump this guy and be proud for doing it.

MeMarmiteYouJam · 20/12/2020 17:07

Your reactions and feelings are normal. Completely and utterly.

Ignoring a partner's boundaries and forcing oneself onto them is abnormal and wrong.

category12 · 20/12/2020 17:10

I have been having the feeling from the beginning he isn’t interested in me as a person, crap !

You need to learn to trust these instincts, not put them aside or overlook them. Please read the shark cage analogy here: shark cage link. Have a high bar for men to get close to you, have strong boundaries and put value in yourself from the very start. Don't give lots of chances or fight down your own misgivings, trust them.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 20/12/2020 17:11

I enjoy giving oral sex but I had an abusive partner who forced my head down, choking me, and I can't bear it if a man touches my head while I'm doing it. I told DH and he never touched my head in 17 years (I'm a widow now). That's what decent men do.

As for "vanilla" I don't do anal. Never. And it's never occurred to me that it's a problem. What would be a problem would be some man trying to pressure me into it. I'd dump him instantly.

Please listen to the 100+ women on this thread telling you that you're not the problem. He is. Ditch the selfish, bullying bastard.

FairytaleofBykerGrove · 20/12/2020 17:12

You are completely normal. If a woman doesn’t want to perform oral she doesn’t have to. We don’t need a reason. No means no. He is not a good man and there are good men out there.

Demitri · 20/12/2020 17:30

You are normal and you never have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. Any man who pressures you is not worth being with.

I mean this nicely op, I don’t think you’re anywhere near ready to be in a relationship. You need therapy as your self confidence and self worth is non existent. Unfortunately, that makes you an easy target for some men.

You say you have an ongoing court case with you ex, focus on that for now and work on yourself before even considering another relationship.