Page 6 | Not comfortable performing oral sex with new guy after abusive relationship.

Original poster

Fightingback16 · 20/12/2020 18:02

I think it’s partly my fault for thinking someone else would understand and help me in a way, when it’s my problem not his. I’ve tried to explain briefly and get the impression he isn’t really listening to the seriousness.

OP posts:

MeMarmiteYouJam · 20/12/2020 18:10

None of it is your fault. It's perfectly reasonable to expect a loving partner to respect your needs. He did not. He doesn't deserve you.

VistaOfFreedom · 20/12/2020 18:12

The right, decent guy would understand and wait for you to be comfortable with no pressure. This isnt your fault, it's perfectly fine (and normal) for you to want more time to feel comfortable before doing certain things, even without your history.
I'd your gut is saying he isn't interested in you as a person, listen to it. I'm sorry this has happened.

Quartz2208 · 20/12/2020 18:33

It isnt just your problem - his obsession with porn has turned it away from what can be a mutually enjoyable act if done with care and intimacy into something else.

The way he approaches it is grim and awful

okokok000 · 20/12/2020 18:53

@VistaOfFreedom

The right, decent guy would understand and wait for you to be comfortable with no pressure. This isnt your fault, it's perfectly fine (and normal) for you to want more time to feel comfortable before doing certain things, even without your history. I'd your gut is saying he isn't interested in you as a person, listen to it. I'm sorry this has happened.

This!

Original poster

Fightingback16 · 20/12/2020 19:11

Yes I definitely think the porn has an awful lot to do with it. Initially I thought maybe he just inexperienced which he is but now I’m starting to think the inexperience comes from the way he treats girlfriends and the kind of girls he goes for. I’m definitely not a do what I’m told person and I won’t do anything now that I don’t want to but the begging and the sad eyes then the ignoring made me upset. I would have been up for anything else and I was confused as to how he could just change and turn over considering he was led next to me in my “lovely matching underwear”! Then it just really upset me that he wasn’t into the moment and was just dreaming of a bj and I could have been anyone really.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fightingback16 · 20/12/2020 19:13

So just as before me I’m invisible, it’s really not helping my self esteem which is very fragile really.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fightingback16 · 20/12/2020 19:15

Which is why he doesn’t say nice things to me, doesn’t text me morning or night, doesn’t ask how my day was he isn’t really interested in me.

OP posts:

category12 · 20/12/2020 19:18

So get shot of him.

You deserve better than this.

Have you done the Freedom programme or had any counselling to deal with your traumatic history?

billy1966 · 20/12/2020 19:20

OP,
This is not about you.

He sounds odious, and a complete user.

This is nothing to do with your past.

Not every woman enjoys giving BJ's and so what.
You barely know him.
Your gut is screaming at you that he isn't a good man.

Cut your losses.
He really sounds awful.

Dishing you the best.

Original poster

Fightingback16 · 20/12/2020 19:21

Yes I’ve done the freedom programme and had some counselling and support. Doesn’t make it any better tho really. I’be been in my own for a couple of years now and thought I could handle it but this guy is throwing me back into the old mindset.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fightingback16 · 20/12/2020 19:27

I won’t be able to continue with this now anyway as the trust has gone and I NEED that. I’ll go right back into my shell and back off so best to say it’s not going to work.

OP posts:

SpudulikaSlob · 20/12/2020 19:36

He would be a dickhead no matter what situation you were in. He is the problem.

Men like this seek out women to abuse, he thought he could do it to you. Good for you stopping it.

VistaOfFreedom · 21/12/2020 13:14

Begging, sad eyes and ignoring! he sounds pathetic, get shot of him and chalk it up to the fact he's an idiot. It's really not you.

Onadifferentuniverse · 21/12/2020 13:24

You need to work on yourself before you get into another relationship.

‘ Which is why he doesn’t say nice things to me, doesn’t text me morning or night, doesn’t ask how my day was he isn’t really interested in me.’ - so don’t be internet in his opinions and stop persuing the relationship!

It’s not about you op. He’s a class A twat.

KatySun · 21/12/2020 13:33

I have only read your posts but I wanted to say this is NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with him being disrespectful and not valuing you and your feelings. Your boundaries are spot on, and the reason you feel triggered by this situation is because he is not respecting your boundaries and that reminds you of your ex and the abuse. But guess what? This time you can see it and walk away. Be super proud of yourself for this. Do not blame yourself or think you should force yourself to do a sex act you do not want to. Your boundaries are spot on here. Please give him the heave ho, and concentrate on your own well-being, you are worth more than this

1WildPartridgeInAPearTree · 21/12/2020 13:40

You don't have to do that with anyone ever again. It is absolutely your choice - and not a great matter to any future loving partner. There are so many many other options!

It sounds to me as if was excited by your reluctance (rather than by the act itself). This is very worrying. He is not the 'nice guy' you think. Is he another abuser - but dressed differently?

YoniAndGuy · 21/12/2020 13:42

@Fightingback16

Yes I definitely think the porn has an awful lot to do with it. Initially I thought maybe he just inexperienced which he is but now I’m starting to think the inexperience comes from the way he treats girlfriends and the kind of girls he goes for. I’m definitely not a do what I’m told person and I won’t do anything now that I don’t want to but the begging and the sad eyes then the ignoring made me upset. I would have been up for anything else and I was confused as to how he could just change and turn over considering he was led next to me in my “lovely matching underwear”! Then it just really upset me that he wasn’t into the moment and was just dreaming of a bj and I could have been anyone really.

You are spot on.

Well done - he's a nasty user, and you've spotted it and you're out.

You have good boundaries OP, never doubt yourself here - this is how you do it if you want to end up with a guy who is decent and will be a trusted friend as well as a lover!

C8H10N4O2 · 21/12/2020 13:53

You deserve better.

Jackabobbo · 21/12/2020 14:01

Don't go straight from one abusive relationship into another. I did that. The second relationship didn't last very long fortunately - he showed his true colours very early on, he was horrible and I left. I had a lot of feelings for him but I think when you've ended a long term abusive relationship you are in a particularly vulnerable place and perhaps that makes you more likely to develop feelings faster than you usually would.

This guy isn't respecting your boundaries so I would say to end things sooner rather later. I want to recommend some things you may have seen before, but I read/watch over them from time to time and they help me.

The Freedom Programme
Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that?
Helena Hart - YouTube coach - she does talk a lot about feminine energy and I'm not really into that but she also says a lot about knowing your worth, and respecting your boundaries which I find helpful. There's another women who is similar whose videos I actually prefer but I cannot think of her name - it's Adrienne Something - and you should find her on YouTube related videos if you search for Helena Hart Adrienne or something. Not everyone's taste but I think when your confidence is low and you've been treated badly by a man/men, it can be good to hear others telling you what you don't need to put up with!

Jackabobbo · 21/12/2020 14:04

Sorry I've realised the thread was longer than I thought and see you've decided to end it with him and that you've already done the freedom programme. You're making the right decision.

Opentooffers · 21/12/2020 14:09

It's the same for anyone who meets him, you just found a bad one, and like any other person, you should chuck this one back. Don't let him affect you living your life as you want. It's understandable that you feel like crawling into your shell, we all lick our wounds after the end of a bad relationship that leaves a nasty taste. Give yourself time, and when you've got rid, give yourself a pat on the back for doing exactly what most people would, and not being that affected that you couldn't see him for what he was, because that's progress, so well done

billy1966 · 21/12/2020 14:58

Well done for ending it but please don't take this on yourself.

He's nasty slime.
Absolutely nothing to do with you.

You are far too good for him.

Well done for realising it.

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2020 15:08

@Fightingback16

So I just feel terrible. I’ve been with a new guy for a few months now. Before him I was in an abusive relationship for years that was a couple of years back.

Bad things happened especially around oral sec and I’m just not ready to perform oral sex and I’ve explained I just need a bit of time to feel more comfortable.
Last night he really pressed me for it and the more he did the more I couldn’t and I got upset and sat in the toilet, he doesn’t know that.

I feel very guilty and just think I should walk away because he must be unhappy and it’s making me feel very uncomfortable. We do other things but he isn’t really that interested in the lady part just the mouth. It’s a shame because he is nice guy and I find him attractive it’s just I can’t seem to let go.

What should I do?

Dump him.

You may never want to do it. Entirely your perogative

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2020 15:10

@Fightingback16

I know what you are all saying but I can’t help but feel I am the problem here. It’s quite a vanilla act really and he is just a guy who knows nothing of what I went through and probably has no idea what I’m saying to him. He doesn’t feel abusive but I think you right in that we are not compatible. I need someone with understanding and I think he wants a lovely girl with no issues....

Its not vanilla if you don't want to do it