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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not comfortable performing oral sex with new guy after abusive relationship.

155 replies

Fightingback16 · 20/12/2020 07:48

So I just feel terrible. I’ve been with a new guy for a few months now. Before him I was in an abusive relationship for years that was a couple of years back.

Bad things happened especially around oral sec and I’m just not ready to perform oral sex and I’ve explained I just need a bit of time to feel more comfortable.
Last night he really pressed me for it and the more he did the more I couldn’t and I got upset and sat in the toilet, he doesn’t know that.

I feel very guilty and just think I should walk away because he must be unhappy and it’s making me feel very uncomfortable. We do other things but he isn’t really that interested in the lady part just the mouth. It’s a shame because he is nice guy and I find him attractive it’s just I can’t seem to let go.

What should I do?

OP posts:

Hailtomyteeth · 20/12/2020 09:34

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
If he's pressuring you, he's abusive.
The concept of 'vanilla' is another attempt to pressure women. You do what you want. Same for him, if he doesn't want to do something he doesn't have to. What other people might or might not do is up to them.
From my point of view, this man is not a good man, and not a good man for you. What do you think? Do you need someone with his attitude?

nevernotstruggling · 20/12/2020 09:36

That’s the problem @Mylittlepony374 he knows that my ex did things against my will and for him to still want to put it in my mouth means he isn’t really bothered about me as a person just a person with a mouth.

If he knows that and still pushes for it he is an awful awful person. Maybe one of those scenarios where you have to imagine what you would advise if a friend told you this about their partner - because you would tell them to bin him off and quite rightly!!!

And yeh he isn't bothered about you as a person. You are worth bothering about as a person - a few lines of op has strangers showing they are bothered about you as a person my love.

Get rid of him it will be a relief I promise because this isn't fun or fulfilling for you it's just shit xxx

Onadifferentuniverse · 20/12/2020 09:42

Any man who doesn’t respect boundary’s (regardless of your history) is not one to continue seeing.

It will more than likely spiral again into another abusive situation op. He hasn’t got any respect for your boundary’s and that is super important.

Move on, there are men out there who will understand and not pressure you.

goldenharvest · 20/12/2020 09:43

Sounds grim. End it, he has no respect for you

seven201 · 20/12/2020 09:44

I'm another one saying he's not a nice man. You've told him why you find it uncomfortable and he's still trying to pressurise you. What a fucking horrible man. Selfish and twisted. Please don't see him again. He's not good for you. You are worth more. You deserve a loving relationship, not this.

DelphiniumBlue · 20/12/2020 09:48

You say he's not interested in lady parts...is he gay? Or just plain lazy?
Don't waste your time .

Dominicwestsscooter · 20/12/2020 09:52

@Fightingback16

Last night I went and he was practically begging and it completely destroyed the mood and I just wanted to walk out. There were many other things to do but he kept saying please go on just a little..... in the end nothing happened and I thought considering how excited he was he could have just moved on to something else but nope. I think he was annoyed with me but I can’t help it. He does know because I told him I’m uncomfortable with it at the moment, I’m not saying never but just to give me a bit of time. I feel like he is only interested in sex from me and not me as a person. Plus he does watch porn and I suspect lots of oral porn.

He sounds vile. I would walk away now. If he’s begging you to do things now, so early on in a relationship, you can guess where this is going as time goes on.

Notthemessiah · 20/12/2020 09:53

You are definitely not the problem. Anyone insisting on their partner doing anything, vanilla or otherwise (or sexual or otherwise) when they are clearly uncomfortable (and for very good reason) is not a good partner - better to leave and find someone else, or just be on your own for a while.

Pr1mr0se · 20/12/2020 09:53

Fightingback16 - does your new guy know about your past and why you're uncomfortable? I can kind of appreciate his point of view if he doesn't know as your behaviour won't make sense to him. Don't ditch him becuase you feel uncomfortable, you don't really know each other well yet.

nosswith · 20/12/2020 09:54

End the relationship. You had explained why it was an issue for you and he should not be begging.

Pr1mr0se · 20/12/2020 09:54

And before I get flamed, I am not suggesting she stays in an abusive relationship.

dementedpixie · 20/12/2020 09:55

If she's said no he should accept it and not try to coerce her into doing it. He doesn't seem very nice at all

FAQs · 20/12/2020 09:56

@Fightingback16 he is not a nice man!! Several people have told you this, walk away. Take some time to heal away from any relationships.

snookercue · 20/12/2020 09:57

does your new guy know about your past and why you're uncomfortable? I can kind of appreciate his point of view if he doesn't know as your behaviour won't make sense to him.

It fucking should. 'He really pressed' for a blow job. How dare you try to make out this is anything but his own doing. He is 100% responsible for his actions. Past trauma aside, because it's not fucking ok to 'really press' someone to suck your dick even if they haven't had past trauma. What an awful thing to say.

Don't ditch him becuase you feel uncomfortable, you don't really know each other well yet.

Literally the worst advice EVER. Yes she should ditch him be sure she feels uncomfortable. He is the one marking her feel that way

Original poster

Fightingback16 · 20/12/2020 09:58

He knows enough to care if he cares. What I meant was he has never experienced abuse in his life, his family is stable. He might not really understand understand. If that makes sense. He knows I have a court case going for domestic abuse and child contact and financials so what he actually understands I don’t know...or whether he is interested. I just feel it’s not his responsibility to really know too much.

OP posts:

snookercue · 20/12/2020 09:58

@Pr1mr0se

And before I get flamed, I am not suggesting she stays in an abusive relationship.

What are you saying then?

ScottishStottie · 20/12/2020 09:58

Hes not a nice person. I dont do that either but just because i dont like it. My dp knows this and although sometimes i think he is a bit disappointed, he would never tell me that, and would never pressure me or ask me to do it. And i dont have half thr valid reasons as you for not wanting to do it.

Ditch him, you deserve better

snookercue · 20/12/2020 10:00

He might not really understand understand. If that makes sense

It makes no sense. Like I just posted to a PP, your past isn't relevant in terms of his behaviour. What he is doing is not ok. It's not ok to behave like that to you so your history, but it still wouldn't be ok to behave like that to you without that same history. He is a bad one.

Meruem · 20/12/2020 10:00

I did oral grudging in previous relationships because like you, I thought it made me “odd” if I didn’t because it’s seen as “normal”. I never enjoyed it, it often made me feel sick. It was only as I got older (I’m 51 now) that I realised its ok to not do something I don’t want to do. You actually don’t need a reason or justification. You can just say no. Sounds so obvious now but I get why you’re confused.

Someone who loves and cares for you will not put his want for a particular sex act above you. We don’t all get what we want in life. A relationship includes compromise. There are many other things to do in bed. He sounds obsessed to me and that’s very unattractive.

MeMarmiteYouJam · 20/12/2020 10:01

First of all, you are completely allowed to have sexual boundaries, and it doesn't have to be explained or discussed in detail, or be due to trauma or abuse, either. You say no, that's the end of it.

This man who has tried to force you to perform sexual acts on him despite your boundaries is abominably selfish and shouldn't be anywhere near an actual human woman. Let him service himself, to his own particular liking, instead of selfishly, callously and abusively forcing himself on you.

Break it off with him before it gets worse, because it will. (It always, always does)

If it helps, you might be interested in reading through the free course given by Dr Jessica Taylor, Caring for yourself after sexual violence. It's really helpful.

www.victimfocus.org.uk/free-caring-for-yourself-after-sexual-violence

MeMarmiteYouJam · 20/12/2020 10:03

@Pr1mr0se

And before I get flamed, I am not suggesting she stays in an abusive relationship.

That's basically exactly what you said. Which was shit advice.

ChaToilLeam · 20/12/2020 10:04

A man who doesn’t respect your “no” is not a good man. Time to say goodbye to him. It’s not you, OP, it really is HIM.

CodenameVillanelle · 20/12/2020 10:04

@Pr1mr0se

Not wanting to perform a sex act is 'behaviour that won't make sense' really?

Candyfloss99 · 20/12/2020 10:06

@Pr1mr0se

Eh what is wrong with you? When is it ever OK to pressure anyone for any kind of sex?

Aminuts23 · 20/12/2020 10:08

OP I agree with everyone else. This man is not good for you. He knows you don’t want to do it but pressures you anyway. That’s vile and abusive. You have absolutely every right to say no and that should be respected without question. You are not to blame here in any way at all.

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