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Original poster

Not comfortable performing oral sex with new guy after abusive relationship.

155 replies

Fightingback16 · 20/12/2020 07:48

So I just feel terrible. I’ve been with a new guy for a few months now. Before him I was in an abusive relationship for years that was a couple of years back.

Bad things happened especially around oral sec and I’m just not ready to perform oral sex and I’ve explained I just need a bit of time to feel more comfortable.
Last night he really pressed me for it and the more he did the more I couldn’t and I got upset and sat in the toilet, he doesn’t know that.

I feel very guilty and just think I should walk away because he must be unhappy and it’s making me feel very uncomfortable. We do other things but he isn’t really that interested in the lady part just the mouth. It’s a shame because he is nice guy and I find him attractive it’s just I can’t seem to let go.

What should I do?

OP posts:
TheClitterati · 20/12/2020 10:11

Dump & run

TeddyIsaHe · 20/12/2020 10:14

Oh op get out ASAP. I had an ex like this - never listened to my boundaries and I went with what he wanted. It was soul destroying.

I met someone that really cares about my boundaries and listens to what I want and need. It’s a revelation.

You can do so so much better than this. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.

HugoTheKitten · 20/12/2020 10:16

He doesn’t care about you and doesn’t consider your feelings. He just wants to use your mouth and whines about it.

You also said he doesn’t show your lady part attention. This won’t get better in the future. You’ll be unsatisfied and he’ll be pestering you for oral all day long.

Get rid.

Greenkit · 20/12/2020 10:22

When I met my now partner, I told him I don't do blow jobs, so if you want them then move on. I did explain why, abusive ex partner.

He said ok

2 yrs later I feel comfortable enough to do them, I started slowly. He was a bit shocked and said oh thought you didn't do that, I said I would try. Don't touch my head and don't fun in my mouth

I trust him more than I have trusted anyone before, if I say stop, he stops.

Explain to him fully why it's so hard for you, tell him to be patent

caringcarer · 20/12/2020 10:32

There are so many truly.nice men out there who would respect and understand you had a bad experience. They would focus on making you feel good but you have chosen a selfish man who thinks it is ok to pressure his partner. I would move on from him and spend a little time alone and pamper yourself. In time you will find a nice man who will want to pamper you.

akittencalledjesus · 20/12/2020 10:34

I know what you are all saying but I can’t help but feel I am the problem here. It’s quite a vanilla act really

It's not though, is it? Porn may have turned it in to vanilla, but it isn't. You aren't remotely the problem here. Him watching porn and basing his sexual expectations on that, despite you telling him why you don't perform oral, is fucking awful. If he can be like this a few months in, imagine what he could be like longer term.

You are NOT the problem.

snookercue · 20/12/2020 10:40

There are so many truly.nice men out there who would respect and understand you had a bad experience.

Can we actually just stop this shit?

This has NOTHING to do with OP past experiences and everything to do with the mans behaviour.

Truly nice mean respect ALL women, not just the ones who have past trauma.

Therssalwaysachoice · 20/12/2020 10:43

Please walk away from this relationship. I have exactly the same issue and have talked to my partner about it. He wouldn’t want me to do it because he knows that I’m not comfortable with it. He wouldn’t want me to do anything I wasn’t 100% comfortable with. You deserve to be treated with respect, please please please don’t stay with this man

Opentooffers · 20/12/2020 10:47

If he's not interested in lady parts, he's always going to be in it for his own satisfaction only, has no interest or respect for any woman he is with, and is actually always going to be a crap lover. You don't need that. Get rid, pity the woman who ends up with him - dont let it be you.

Weirdfan · 20/12/2020 10:55

You are NOT the problem

This, over and over again until you believe it OP. Whether he understands how you feel or not he shouldn't be pressuring you for anything you don't want to do, that's not a good man, or a good sexual partner. He sounds the type who thinks sex is something he does to you rather than with you and you deserve a whole lot better than that.

I'm a rape survivor and my DH has been more than happy to take things at my pace, we've built trust over (a long!) time and my past doesn't feature in our sex life now at all but that's precisely because he respected my boundaries and let things happen naturally. And that's what should happen in all sexual relationships, men who push and make it all about what they want are shit in bed ime and won't ever make you happy. They don't want proper sex, just the pornified image of it that's so common these days, you can do better OP Flowers

AccidentallyOnSanta · 20/12/2020 10:56

Leave him. Do the freedom programme before you start dating again.

He's another abusive arsehole,ready to trample all over your needs and boundaries for his wants.

A BJ is not a need,it's not a right ,it's a nice to have if and when the other partner is up for it.

Pressuring for sexual acts is a massive red flag, particularly so at the beginning of a relationship when you are still getting to know each other and getting comfortable with each other.

Given your past, even more so. It's not your failure or your fault. It's the fault of your rapist ex. It's the fault of the abusive,immature,thinking of his dick only current partner that is pushing you instead of making you feel comfortable,loved,safe.

Don't take these men's failures and abuse as your own.

Rockdown2020 · 20/12/2020 11:00

He sounds rather horrible.

StanfordPines · 20/12/2020 11:03

No decent man would ever try to push you into any sexual activity you don’t want to do even the most vanilla sex.

MrsBobDylan · 20/12/2020 11:10

Op you think the problem is that you can't perform oral sex, when the problem is that you have found yourself another abusive partner who wants to force you into a sex act.

How is this any different from the abusive relationship you ended two years ago? You need therapy and fast so you can understand what it is about these men that makes you think they are good partners and nice people. If you don't get that understanding you will continue to be hurt and abused by the very person you should be able to expect love and respect from.

Opentooffers · 20/12/2020 11:17

He is actually going to be a bad sexual partner for any woman regardless of their previous experience. No woman wants to do oral all the time without any reciprocation or interest in her lady parts. Leave out your bad past and he's still not what any woman needs. So stop flagilating yourself right now about what you are not happy doing, it doesn't sound like he does anything either, and he has nothing but himself stopping him.
If you are going to get down on yourself, the only valid reason for that is because you haven't dumped him already. He would drag anyone down, it's not you it's him

Dery · 20/12/2020 11:27

Dear OP - your suggestion that you’re in any way at fault here shows that you need to do some careful work on self-care and on your self esteem before you enter another relationship. You’ve gone from one abusive relationship to another. You are entitled to say no to any sex act at any time if you don’t want to do it. There is so much male entitlement around sex and the easy access to porn has made it so much worse. A loving partner will accept that you don’t want to do something - not pressure you to do it. Dump him and move on.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 20/12/2020 11:34

He has ruined the trust I have so now I’m going to be thinking constantly what he wants and I won’t do it because I feel pressured to. I did say it’s not a never thing but I need to feel comfortable, I need time with him. If he hadn’t have done this then he may have got what he wants but now he reminds me of my ex and I think it will stick.

OP posts:
category12 · 20/12/2020 11:36

He is actually going to be a bad sexual partner for any woman regardless of their previous experience. No woman wants to do oral all the time without any reciprocation or interest in her lady parts. Leave out your bad past and he's still not what any woman needs.

This

Think about the kind of sex you want and get enjoyment from. Sex is not about servicing the man, it's supposed to be fun for both of you.

notacooldad · 20/12/2020 11:39

Yes I am heavily considering leaving. I thought I could work through it but not like this, this is just making me feel terrible about myself
No one on this earth should make you feel terrible about yourself especially your boyfriend.
He is disrespectful. Please get rid of him.

DrizzleandDamp · 20/12/2020 11:44

You will not always have these scars but you will if you stay with him.

I’d never had anal sex, wasn’t interested not for me. I was then brutally raped including anal and BDSM so I know your fear, also oral force.

But I’ve had anal sex since, why? Because I went out with a lad, who actually for other reasons won’t be a relationship, but within sex he was a true believer in boundaries and a woman being clear about what she wanted. He never asked for ANYTHING he never tried ANYTHING without me going first, he never said ANYTHING that amounted to an emotional ask, in fact we didn’t talk about it at all.

And eventually early this year during sex I initiated anal. It was a deliberate move because I wanted to, I wanted for the memory of that act to be with someone I felt safe with, I wanted it over with a bit, and while it still isn’t on my go to list, it’s fine, I’m ok with the thought of it. He doesn’t even know to be fair, he’s a good man.

You’ll get there, but on your terms. The problem here is he’s pressuring so the pressuring is actually more of a trigger than the act because he’s overstepping your boundaries. There is no coming back from this, you need to end it.

Ansjovis · 20/12/2020 11:53

He sounds like a selfish arse, and I'd be saying that even without your prior history. The only reason I can think of that someone would stay in a relationship like this one is the (VERY mistaken) belief that being a bad relationship is better than being alone. You're better than that, so what are you waiting for? You do have the right to set boundaries and it does not matter what anyone else thinks of those boundaries, not one bit.

Shelby30 · 20/12/2020 12:00

A few months isn't that long. It's really thought decision because I get that you really like him. However he needs to be patient and understanding.

Even if he doesn't know your reasons the fact your saying your uncomfortable at the moment he shldnt press. I think it would put me off him though so I'd probably end it if he kept going on about it.

Honeybobbin · 20/12/2020 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RantyAnty · 20/12/2020 12:08

Good grief. Just dump this using loser.

You haven't mentioned one thing that shows he's a nice guy.

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 20/12/2020 12:11

Dump and block .

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