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Original poster

He brought his child’s mum a gift?

157 replies

Gta211 · 18/12/2020 18:10

Hi so I’ve been with this guy for just over 11 months, he has a baby with a woman who he was never in a relationship with.

So anyway we were out Christmas shopping today and he told me he needs to get her a gift from the child. I said it’s really weird that he would do that as it’s not as if the baby is old enough to ask?
I don’t have kids so I’m not sure if that’s normal?

The thing is they haven’t had the easiest of time since the baby has been born, a lot of arguments and tension. We just recently got over a message I saw where he told her he loved her and she was his family.
Am I just being blind? I don’t know how to navigate this? I don’t want to get in the way but I feel like boundaries are being crossed?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 18/12/2020 18:11

Buying a present from the baby is a nice thing to do. Of you talked him out of it, you really should talk him back into it.

Him saying he's in love with her is a seperate and bigger issue.

Shmithecat2 · 18/12/2020 18:12

He's buying the mother of his child a present from the child. I cannot see anything wrong with this. With respect, if you're going to have a relationship with a man who had a child with another woman, you're going to need to grow up a bit.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 18/12/2020 18:12

The gift isn't an issue but the message (how did you come to see it?) suggests his heart may be elsewhere.

needsahouseboy · 18/12/2020 18:12

That’s exactly the right thing for him to do.

It shows he is appreciative of the care she gives their son.

If you find that strange or not right then don’t have a relationship with a person with a child.

HappyChristmasTreeRex · 18/12/2020 18:13

He should be doing as he planned, a very sensible, kind and grown up thing to do.

Lollyneenah · 18/12/2020 18:13

I buy me ex a gift from dd and him for me, since we split about 6 years ago. I definitely dont want to shag him Grin but yes I love him in a friend way and would count him as my family.
It's just a way of being nice at christmas to us

sobsanta · 18/12/2020 18:13

There's nothing wrong with this. It's a nice thing to do.

Scottishskifun · 18/12/2020 18:13

Getting a gift from child to mum perfectly normal and acceptable especially if trying to keep thing amicable for child's future etc.

Sending text messages that he loved her is the issue here not a gift.

FestiveChristmasLights · 18/12/2020 18:14

It’s a nice and normal thing to do.

Original poster
Gta211 · 18/12/2020 18:14

He said the message wasn’t a big deal, I do believe nothing is going on with them. I let him get the gift of course, it wasn’t even extravagant.

The message just stuck out for me because it was after a massive argument they had. It was almost as if he was pacifying her with saying he loved her.

OP posts:
Dontforgetyourbrolly · 18/12/2020 18:15

Cant comment on the text message but ex dp and I could not like each other any less but we buy each other xmas / bday/ mother's day/ fathers day presents from ds . Ex dp buys me really nice stuff as well , but there are absolutely no romantic feelings on either side

Crappyfridays7 · 18/12/2020 18:16

I think that’s thoughtful, he’s thought about it and wants his child to give its mother a present. It’s not from him as such and I’d be happy if it was suggested to me (if I were you) can help build bridges.

My ex and I still buy for each other. From the kids. He’d not have much at Christmas otherwise. My boyfriend doesn’t mind either it’s just now it is, we are having lunch there on Christmas Day too. It’s hard when people split but things will settle down. Baby needs both parents and it’s nice if they can do parent amicably if possible (I’ve been lucky with my ex but my older 2 dad is nc)

CantBeAssed · 18/12/2020 18:17

My exh and i have always bought each other a present from our dd...we had the same values and the purpose was always to teach dd to respect and acknowledge her parents. She is now older and always buys us both a thoughtful present with her own money..dont become one of people that would prefer ex partners to rip the head of each so you dont feel insecure..

ToadCandle · 18/12/2020 18:17

I let him get the gift of course, it wasn’t even extravagant.

😂😂Biscuit

Christmassequins · 18/12/2020 18:17

I let him get the gift of course, it wasn’t even extravagant

How very kind of you Hmm

FelicityPike · 18/12/2020 18:18

That’s exactly what he should do until his child is old enough to do it independently.
Also, I think she is his family, she’s the mother of his child and I think it’s nice he feels that way. You can love someone without being in love with them.
I think YAB(a bit)U.

AIMD · 18/12/2020 18:18

@SleepingStandingUp

Buying a present from the baby is a nice thing to do. Of you talked him out of it, you really should talk him back into it.

Him saying he's in love with her is a seperate and bigger issue.

This.
Dillybear · 18/12/2020 18:18

I agree with everyone else - of course he should get her a gift from the baby. It’s the right thing to do. It’s important that the baby is brought up seeing his or her parents getting on and treating each other with kindness and respect.

The text message is another matter, I agree with that as well. But I also think that it might be okay to say that he loves her if he means a kind of platonic love that you would have for a family member. Ultimately, she is his family, and nothing will change that. I think you have to decide whether you want to be in a relationship with a man who already has a child.

Original poster
Gta211 · 18/12/2020 18:19

Okay not LET. But I didn’t protest or say anything. Fair enough it is a nice thing to do. I suppose I feel a bit insecure from before. Not fair to put that on him

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 18/12/2020 18:20

I let him get the gift of course, it wasn’t even extravagant you LET him? How very magnanimous of you.

He shouldn't need your permission to have a relationship with the woman he has a child with

SleepingStandingUp · 18/12/2020 18:20

Cross post

MrsKellySeveride · 18/12/2020 18:21

My DS has to rely on my DM to make sure he has a gift for me - your DP is definitely doing the right thing.

Nohomemadecandles · 18/12/2020 18:21

Sounds like he's doing the right thing.

LindaEllen · 18/12/2020 18:21

The present isn't a problem. I actually find it quite sad when kids have nothing to give to their parent because the other parents hasn't/won't help them to get something.

The being in love with her thing is a whole different issue, that clearly needs to be addressed.

ivfbeenbusy · 18/12/2020 18:22

I let him get the gift of course, it wasn’t even extravagant.

How generous of you

It's the babies first Xmas and he's made a nice gesture. You on the other hand sound self absorbed.

I'm not sure you sound like you are cut out to be with a man with kids if this is the way you are already

And yes I imagine he might still love the mother in a way? You "love" your friends don't you? He did make a baby with her