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Original poster

He brought his child’s mum a gift?

157 replies

Gta211 · 18/12/2020 18:10

Hi so I’ve been with this guy for just over 11 months, he has a baby with a woman who he was never in a relationship with.

So anyway we were out Christmas shopping today and he told me he needs to get her a gift from the child. I said it’s really weird that he would do that as it’s not as if the baby is old enough to ask?
I don’t have kids so I’m not sure if that’s normal?

The thing is they haven’t had the easiest of time since the baby has been born, a lot of arguments and tension. We just recently got over a message I saw where he told her he loved her and she was his family.
Am I just being blind? I don’t know how to navigate this? I don’t want to get in the way but I feel like boundaries are being crossed?

OP posts:
catbunnydog · 18/12/2020 18:43

It’s normal to buy gifts for your child’s mother. My ex bought his ex Mother’s Day gifts, birthday gifts, Xmas etc - they were ‘from’ his kid but that’s what they did and I thought it was a nice thing to do.

However I just wouldn’t bother dating anyone who has a baby. Sorry but it’s just a lot of hassle. So much change and adjustment happening in their lives that isn’t my business. Even if he was a great guy, I know I wouldn’t be the main focus - the baby should be the main focus

IHaveBrilloHair · 18/12/2020 18:43

This relationship has no future.

HmmSureJan · 18/12/2020 18:43

I said it’s really weird that he would do that as it’s not as if the baby is old enough to ask?

It's not weird, it's nice. Stop interfering.

Nohomemadecandles · 18/12/2020 18:45

He sounds like he being very upfront about it. I guess if they were never in a relationship, there's a different type of relationship now, perhaps without the anger and resentment that often comes with an ex.
Sounds like you've done thinking to do. And listening to each other.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 18/12/2020 18:46

You are in a relationship with a man who has a child.

If he is a good guy, he will put the needs of his child first.

That doesn't mean he doesn't care for you, but being a father is an incredibly serious commitment, whether he intended to be a father or not.

He is right - she is family - she is the mother of his child. And he will always be in that relationship - they have a child together.

He needs to be able to be a good Dad and that means time, support, empathy and supporting the mother, too. It is REALLY hard being a single mother of a baby.

If you are serious about him you need to start thinking that in due course you will also have a relationship to the child. Be a step mum. If you ever have a child with him, it will be his second baby. The child he has now will be the older step-sibling.

It affects everything. In a couple of years he will want to have the child over on Christmas Day. His parents are grandparents... it goes on, though everything.

You need to think about it all.

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 18/12/2020 18:46

Once the child’s a bit older it could be that it stays over regularly, you could be looking at full on step motherhood which is something to take very seriously indeed

GintyMcGinty · 18/12/2020 18:47

It's a nice thing to do and he's being open about it.

It doesn't sound like you trust him though. And if you don't trust him then your relationship is doomed.

NewlyGranny · 18/12/2020 18:51

She didn't 'get pregnant', did she? They must have had unprotected sex - or at the very least been really careless - just weeks into what never even turned into a relationship. Eighteen years' responsibility for a few seconds' pleasure.

He does sound like a nice guy, but think long and hard about getting involved if you're uncomfortable about him having contact with his child and its mother; it's going to be a long haul.

1forAll74 · 18/12/2020 18:53

You let him get the gift, You really don't have the right to tell him what he can and can't do. If he loves her, as in the true meaning, you will just have to deal with this.

Original poster
Gta211 · 18/12/2020 18:53

I’m not uncomfortable at all with him getting on with her, or being amicable. I suppose I just thought it would be friendly not declaring love for each other or spending weekends together.

OP posts:
ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 18/12/2020 18:53

As well as all the practical stuff, if he’s a good dad there’ll be financial consequences for you as a couple and any dc you might have with him. More to think about. As I said, I don’t think I’d do it in your position

Original poster
Gta211 · 18/12/2020 18:55

Maybe because apart from when the baby was born, this will be the first milestone? Holidays together as a family. He’s planning to go to her house to watch the baby open presents, and have dinner together.

I will need to talk to him I suppose. I don’t think it’s for me unfortunately

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 18/12/2020 18:57

Op they are co parenting, you get that right? They are mummy and daddy to their child. Being friends with each other is going to be so much better for the child. And easier for the adults, they need to build a relationship, she’s the mother of his child. He’s the father of hers.

You need to either accept this, or if it’s too difficult, move on.

flametrees · 18/12/2020 19:00

Do you really want to be on this relationship?

mopphead · 18/12/2020 19:01

This is baby's first Christmas, of course he won't want to miss it. The thing is when you have children they really do come first.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 18/12/2020 19:08

This is the right thing for him to do. It shows that despite their differences, he respects her as the mother of his child.

User878856488 · 18/12/2020 19:09

I wouldn't have started going out with someone whose ex was pregnant to him. And she is his ex, it was a short sexual relationship, but still a relationship.

What age are you? Do you really want to be dealing with all this? If you're thirties then (maybe) fair enough , more men will have kids etc, but if you're in your twenties I would think again.

Rybvita · 18/12/2020 19:12

Well this woman carried for 9 months and gave birth to his own child (the most important person in his life) so she's not in anyway an insignificant person in his life. Nothing wrong with sending a present, and in fact he should be doing much more. It's no wonder there's tension between them when the baby is still little and he's off having relationships with other women when any involved dad would be spending the majority of time with his new baby and supporting the mother. This sounds like a messy situation and I would stay right out of it if I were you. Wouldn't surprise me if he got into a relationship with his baby's mother (and actually this would be the best scenario for his baby if they manage to work this out).

User878856488 · 18/12/2020 19:13

Christmas dinner together? I'm not getting that tbh. The opening presents fine, but Christmas dinner? For the sake of a nine month old? Are you spending Christmas day elsewhere?

Boymumzy · 18/12/2020 19:14

This is the right thing to do and you should be glad that you've found a guy like that rather than one who disrespects/ couldn't care less about his child and the woman who helped bring him into the world.

UneFoisAuChalet · 18/12/2020 19:18

I would never be with a man with ‘a baby’ because of all the issues the OP has mentioned, especially if I didn’t have children.

whatwedontknow · 18/12/2020 19:22

He spends the weekend with her, he’s spending Christmas Day with her?A 9 month old can’t open presents.

How does his co parenting usually work?

Dopeyduck · 18/12/2020 19:24

Absolutely normal and decent to buy her a gift from the child.

Absolutely not normal to say he loves her.

Perhaps you need to step back whilst they navigate their feelings and parenting, for you own sake. Having a baby with someone is a big deal.

AIMD · 18/12/2020 19:26

@Gta211

I’m not uncomfortable at all with him getting on with her, or being amicable. I suppose I just thought it would be friendly not declaring love for each other or spending weekends together.
Yea no, that sounds more than two amicable separates parents
Gigheimer · 18/12/2020 19:26

I get ex DH a birthday and Xmas gift, we’ve been split 6 years and he’s useless!! But I still love him as the children’s father, he’s still our family and I don’t want the kids to think otherwise.

It’s for the kids not the parent can you not see that?

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