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Original poster

He brought his child’s mum a gift?

157 replies

Gta211 · 18/12/2020 18:10

Hi so I’ve been with this guy for just over 11 months, he has a baby with a woman who he was never in a relationship with.

So anyway we were out Christmas shopping today and he told me he needs to get her a gift from the child. I said it’s really weird that he would do that as it’s not as if the baby is old enough to ask?
I don’t have kids so I’m not sure if that’s normal?

The thing is they haven’t had the easiest of time since the baby has been born, a lot of arguments and tension. We just recently got over a message I saw where he told her he loved her and she was his family.
Am I just being blind? I don’t know how to navigate this? I don’t want to get in the way but I feel like boundaries are being crossed?

OP posts:
NotaCoolMum · 18/12/2020 22:00

@whatwedontknow

I think the gift is just the trigger. It’s perfectly normal and a nice thing to do on it’s own.

The bigger picture is after 11 month she doesn’t know about you.
He stays over, they argue, he says I love you’re family.
They are spending Christmas together.

That’s not co parenting he has two relationships here, is BF real or an excuse for him to say he has to stay over.? How would he react if you told her about you or said you wanted Christmas together?

100% this. If they are arguing this much it means there is unresolved Isuzu between them. Also the fact that she doesn’t know about you is a HUGE red flag. You deserve more than to be in her shadow @Gta211
NotaCoolMum · 18/12/2020 22:01

PS the gift is totally normal- the rest of it is NOT

Bibidy · 18/12/2020 22:35

I wouldn't really like this since the baby is so young so there's no real reason for it. Fair enough when the child is old enough to enjoy giving gifts but at the moment it's just a gift from him to her.

CringeMinge · 18/12/2020 22:49

It's not normal to sleep over at an exes house every weekend, tell them you love them. It's certainly not normal to pretend your single. If she does have feelings for him and he is genuinely a nice guy, he's messing with her head too.

He's lying to the mother of his child. He's pretending he is single to her, telling her he loves and sleeping there every weekend. If he can lie to the mother of his child and say he doesn't have a girlfriend. He can lie to you and say there's nothing going on.

You're better off out of it all and leave them to it. Run for the hills.

MzHz · 18/12/2020 23:19

Was going to tell you to

Get the fuck over yourself

But then I read on.

Walk. Actually dump and RUN.

You deserve better

KarmaNoMore · 18/12/2020 23:27

It is just a gift to the woman who is taking the lion’s share of the responsibility of bringing that child up.

It is not a bad thing to do, especially if you need to parent a child together until the end of times.

Now, the fact she doesn’t know about you after 11 months is NOT a good sign, not necessarily a problem of him having feelings for her but... have you met his family? If not, the relationship was less serious than he made you think and if that’s the case it is much better for the thing to end now than you wasting years of your life who has already decided you are not for the long run.

Miffyliffy · 18/12/2020 23:38

I have always bought presents for my son's father from my son even when he was young and even when we haven't been on great terms. It's for my son, it's teaching my son about giving and bringing those feelings of seeing someone open a present you got them.

To me I have absolutely no feeling for my son's dad and buying a gift is purely for my son.

There's alot of things that blended families bring and if you're thinking a present is an issue as the child grows you're in for a whole lot of 'issues'

We have my son's father of for Xmas, birthdays etc (we have both re-partnered) and it shows the kids good relationships and makes them happy.

It works for us, won't work for everyone but just prepare yourself that your life will have this woman in it if you choose to be with the child's father for life.

victoriaspongecake · 18/12/2020 23:41
  1. It’s BOUGHT not Brought
  2. He did have a relationship with her if they have a baby
  3. He is obviously still interested in her and with having a baby together will be in her life for many years.
Why not back out now and find someone with no strings attached?
Miffyliffy · 18/12/2020 23:41

Just read more of the posts, I'd say walk away. It's obvious the way he is going about things that he isn't ready for a relationship with any woman.

Lora88 · 18/12/2020 23:43

Totally normal

Lora88 · 18/12/2020 23:45

Oh on so now I’ve read on that is not normal ,, the gift etc yes perfectly fine . Staying over and everything you’ve mentioned after , not ok , run x

soopedup · 19/12/2020 05:41

You don’t have kids? Do you really need to be in this relationship? Why are you with somebody this complicated? Sending a “love you” message? Nah mate. Over. Why don’t you find somebody normal who doesn’t have baggage. Don’t you want somebody who you can have “firsts” with? If you’re below 40 then ditch this loser

Willfiasco · 19/12/2020 05:56

Why did you get involved with him?

naturalyoghurtmuncher · 19/12/2020 06:05

I would be more concerned about the'I love you ' message to the baby mama.
It's not something you would send to a person you had a fling and baby with. Strange excuse that he was trying to calm her after an argument

THisbackwithavengeance · 19/12/2020 07:09

I find it strange that they haven't stayed together for the baby or at least tried to make it work particularly as by his own admission, he 'loves' her and she's 'family'.

You'll get the first wives club on here defending him to the hilt and saying that YABU and they are probably right.

However if I were a young woman in your situation I wouldn't tolerate this and it wouldnt make me happy.

You need to find someone who is going to be able to commit to you 100%, not someone who has got his foot in the door of another woman's house whether he's shagging her or not.

This man isn't relationship material at the moment.

SD1978 · 19/12/2020 07:13

It's really not that unusual- they have skid and will always be linked - being able to be relatively friendly coparent if relationship makes life easier fir everyone.

Plsv87 · 19/12/2020 07:28

He is absolutely doing the right thing getting her a gift from the baby. The baby is too young to get a gift themselves as she's a mum, she deserves it. It sounds like you'd be better off in a different relationship if you want to be the only person in your partner's life.

throughmylens · 19/12/2020 07:43

Gift is normal, the other things you mentioned are not.

I'd leave.

supersonicginandtonic · 19/12/2020 07:55

Me and the father of my eldest two children have been separated 7 years. I've been with my nee partner 5 years.
I always buy me Ex presents for Christmas, birthday and Father's Day, from the kids. Even now they are 13 and 11. It would never cross my mind not too.
I love him as a friend, he's one of my closest. We go to parents evenings and school events together, always have. We've also been on holiday with our respective partners and day trips.

whatwedontknow · 19/12/2020 08:39

Reading some of the posts about love, family, coparenting, friendly, caring, respect etc. How would that fit in with him lying to the mother of his child for almost 12 months, pretending that OP doesn’t exist?

I don’t know how he’s persuaded you to live like this for so long @Gta211 but you need to walk away, he’s proven he’s not worth it.

slewis1228 · 19/12/2020 09:02

I think what he is doing is a beautiful thing, it shows that he appreciates the mother of his child for everything she does for their baby. My sons father and I do this also. I also tell him to be safe and when necessary tell him "love you". We are not romantically involved at all but, he is the father of my kids and I do love him as a friend, and if something happened to him I would be devastated. At the end of the day he is family. So, I know it's probably hard to understand but, just try communicating the best way you can and don't be afraid to ask questions, and don't be afraid to set up boundaries that can help you both feel uncomfortable. Most importantly when something happens that bothers you, before speaking to him about it see how you would feel if you imagined yourself as the mother. Sometimes it helps to understand by placing ourselves in a certain position and how we would want someone to treat us.

JudyGemstone · 19/12/2020 09:06

What are they arguing so much about?

Arguments suggest there is unresolved stuff between them imo. If I was going to date someone in this situation I'd be looking for a steady level of benign disinterested, not turbulent emotional arguing.

I really think you should move on.

JudyGemstone · 19/12/2020 09:06

*disinterest

lcdododo · 19/12/2020 09:14

This relationship clearly isn't for you

davekim · 19/12/2020 12:37

Following your update about the DC's mum not knowing about you, I would bail at this point.

It's just too much like hard work. Relationships should not start off like this. It should be fun! Find someone else who values you.