Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He brought his child’s mum a gift?

157 replies

Gta211 · 18/12/2020 18:10

Hi so I’ve been with this guy for just over 11 months, he has a baby with a woman who he was never in a relationship with.

So anyway we were out Christmas shopping today and he told me he needs to get her a gift from the child. I said it’s really weird that he would do that as it’s not as if the baby is old enough to ask?
I don’t have kids so I’m not sure if that’s normal?

The thing is they haven’t had the easiest of time since the baby has been born, a lot of arguments and tension. We just recently got over a message I saw where he told her he loved her and she was his family.
Am I just being blind? I don’t know how to navigate this? I don’t want to get in the way but I feel like boundaries are being crossed?

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 18/12/2020 18:22

Buying Christmas gifts from your children to the other parent is completely normal and an appropriate thing to do until the child is old enough to do it themselves. He should also buy birthday presents and a Mother's day present during the year.

The love you message is the problem as generally ex's don't say that.

I'm not sure this is the right long term relationship for you.

Scottishskifun · 18/12/2020 18:22

@Gta211

Okay not LET. But I didn’t protest or say anything. Fair enough it is a nice thing to do. I suppose I feel a bit insecure from before. Not fair to put that on him
I think this is the bigger issue. He is always going to have his child in his life and that means she will also be a part of his life.

So either you are going to have to get past your own insecurities or being with a man who has a child isn't for you as children pretty much always come first.

Original poster
Gta211 · 18/12/2020 18:22

He didn’t say in love I must admit he just said. “ I love you, you’re family”

OP posts:
Givemetomorrowsjam · 18/12/2020 18:23

The present is fine, I think it's bothering you because you're still (understandably) preoccupied with the text message.

What's the story with them? You say they were never in a relationship but were they friends first?

Original poster
Gta211 · 18/12/2020 18:24

Okay I didn’t want to upset anyone or anything. It’s just weird to me they were never in a relationship. I will admit it is quite hard for me. Being with a man with a child is new to me, I guess I didn’t think too much about the mother and them having a close relationship

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 18/12/2020 18:25

How old is the baby op?

Original poster
Gta211 · 18/12/2020 18:25

They weren’t friends. They had literally been seeing each other weeks when she got pregnant.

OP posts:
Shmithecat2 · 18/12/2020 18:25

She IS family - she's the mother of his child! It's much better for everyone, not least the child, if this train of thought continues. Harmonious co parenting works for everyone. Do you live with your DP?

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 18/12/2020 18:27

@Gta211

He didn’t say in love I must admit he just said. “ I love you, you’re family”
Like it or not they will always be tied to each other. It sounds very much like he was saying, you will always mean something to me and I’ll care about you because you’re the mother of my child. You have to decide if this is something you can handle but you don’t sound ready for a man with a child and all that comes with tbh.
Natsel84 · 18/12/2020 18:28

My brother is in the same position as your partner same scenario very very short relationship , he buys a card and token gift from DN and she does the same , there relationship is amicable .

Scottishskifun · 18/12/2020 18:28

@Gta211

Okay I didn’t want to upset anyone or anything. It’s just weird to me they were never in a relationship. I will admit it is quite hard for me. Being with a man with a child is new to me, I guess I didn’t think too much about the mother and them having a close relationship
It's best for the child if they do and Co parent/are amicable. Yes it's tough if not used to it and only you can decide if it's something you want or not. If you stay in a relationship though your going to have to work on not being jealous etc as if you give him the choice between you and his child it will end in your tears.
Lollyneenah · 18/12/2020 18:29

But they are a family arent they? Mum, dad, child = a family.

I know my ex loves me for being dds mum. It's a really special bond.Still definitely dont want to shag each other

womaninatightspot · 18/12/2020 18:31

I still buy my ex a gift from the kids , he gets me something. I find those mugs they sell at school with the dcs christmas card on them good for this sort of thing.

If you think he still has feelings I'd ditch him tbh. Being involved with someone who has kids is a PITA. If you're not too attached I'd find someone unencumbered.

timetest · 18/12/2020 18:31

Sounds like he wants to be a good parent. Buying a present for his baby to give to it’s mother is a nice gesture. The mother will be in his life for years to come, it’s best they are amicable.

caringcarer · 18/12/2020 18:31

Getting the Mother of his child a Xmas gift and Mother's Day gift would be normal. The gift is from the baby. You say he did not have relationship with ex but clearly they had sex and stayed in touch through pregnancy. If you saw a text saying he loved her he was probably telling the truth. Does he say he loves you? Was the text an old one or more recent?

Original poster
Gta211 · 18/12/2020 18:32

This text was very recent as in the last few weeks. He has told me he loves me, he hasn’t said I’m IN love with you. He said he was sorry for text he didn’t mean it liek that nor did he want to upset me. He said he finds it hard to juggle also

OP posts:
ivfbeenbusy · 18/12/2020 18:33

Well they got close enough for Him To get her pregnant 🤷‍♀️

You realise she will be in his life forever? They will forever have a "relationship" - that of co-parent. Every significant milestone in the child's life - graduation, marriage, birth of grandchildren etc will involve the two of them?

MonkeyPuddle · 18/12/2020 18:33

Yeah it’s deffo two separate issues.

Love you message isnt on.

I buy birthday/Christmas and Father’s Day presents for my ex from our son, our son enjoys choosing them and making his dad happy. His dad does the same for me. It helps foster a good relationship between us all, so spending a fiver on the knob head a few times a year is worth it to me.

RightOnTheEdge · 18/12/2020 18:34

I was thinking that buying the present from the child is a nice thing to do.
My ex never bought me presents from him or our dc and they used to get upset about not having a present to give me.
I always bought him a present from the dc for this reason even when I couldn't stand him, I did it for them.

When I got to the message bit though, that's not alright.
I mean what did it actually say? Was it an I love you like a friend kind of text?How did he explain it?

lunar1 · 18/12/2020 18:35

It's really thoughtful of him, hopefully they will have a supportive coparenting relationship for the long haul.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/12/2020 18:36

How old is the baby op?

AnnaSW1 · 18/12/2020 18:37

He was doing the right thing.

MobLife · 18/12/2020 18:37

He is a co-parent and he is setting an example really early on in the child's life to be thoughtful, which the child will hopefully then follow
Sorry to be that person but you you don't understand if you don't have children no matter how hard you try.
His child and it's mother are always going to be there. Always.

Original poster
Gta211 · 18/12/2020 18:38

The baby is 9 months old, I met him whilst at work and he was upfront about their situation. He’s never been shady and always tried to do the right thing by her. He is a really good guy

OP posts:
ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 18/12/2020 18:41

In your position I’d have to love him an awful lot to stay in the relationship, this issue is always going to be there.