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Original poster

He brought his child’s mum a gift?

157 replies

Gta211 · 18/12/2020 18:10

Hi so I’ve been with this guy for just over 11 months, he has a baby with a woman who he was never in a relationship with.

So anyway we were out Christmas shopping today and he told me he needs to get her a gift from the child. I said it’s really weird that he would do that as it’s not as if the baby is old enough to ask?
I don’t have kids so I’m not sure if that’s normal?

The thing is they haven’t had the easiest of time since the baby has been born, a lot of arguments and tension. We just recently got over a message I saw where he told her he loved her and she was his family.
Am I just being blind? I don’t know how to navigate this? I don’t want to get in the way but I feel like boundaries are being crossed?

OP posts:
Coolerthanapolarbearstoenails · 18/12/2020 20:13

It's weird she doesn't know about you.

Nothing else about this situation is weird.

I would end it - it's obvious you will not be okay with this set up, which IMO is the best way they can work it for the babe at this age.

SunshineCake · 18/12/2020 20:14

Can you really not get to the point where you can think that as this is her first Christmas as a mum it would be nice for the father of her child to buy her a gift to reflect that?Hmm

MadeForThis · 18/12/2020 20:15

It's over. It never really started. He's lying to the mother of his child. He's probably lying to you too.

Original poster
Gta211 · 18/12/2020 20:15

I get the gift. I suppose it’s just EVERYTHING ELSE that made the gift seem a bit weird. Judging by what everyone has said it’s normal

OP posts:
emilybrontescorsett · 18/12/2020 20:18

Honestly , is bin him off.
Theres no excuse for him telling another woman he loved her. He hasn't even told her you exist. No too much hard work here op.
Find someone much better.

Valenciaoranges · 18/12/2020 20:26

My daughter’s father has always bought me a Christmas present. He has a long term partner and we all get on well.

whatwedontknow · 18/12/2020 20:39

I think the gift is just the trigger. It’s perfectly normal and a nice thing to do on it’s own.

The bigger picture is after 11 month she doesn’t know about you.
He stays over, they argue, he says I love you’re family.
They are spending Christmas together.

That’s not co parenting he has two relationships here, is BF real or an excuse for him to say he has to stay over.? How would he react if you told her about you or said you wanted Christmas together?

whatwedontknow · 18/12/2020 20:40

I love you, you’re family

ALittleBitConfused1 · 18/12/2020 20:41

He bought her a gift from their child, I don't think you had any right to not LET him in all honesty.

Of course she is his family (ans therefor he loves her) she's the mother of the most important person in his life..

whatwedontknow · 18/12/2020 20:47

She may be the mother of his child but that doesn’t mean she is his family or he loves her. Plenty examples on MN where the ex is not family.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/12/2020 20:49

@Gta211

We don’t live together no. Another issue is she doesn’t know about me. I don’t even know why I spilling my guts out because it’s over.

He always said he didn’t want to upset her, he said it’s none of her business. And I stupidly went along

Lots can be explained away but you've been in his life since BEFORE the baby was born, there's no excuse for her not knowing about you of there's nothing going on. On that basis, I'd be out
Elfieishere · 18/12/2020 20:52

Him getting a gift is ok I suppose although my partner would never get his daughters mum a gift.

The message was a dumpable offence and you should of binned him off for that level of disrespect.

movingonup20 · 18/12/2020 20:53

It's a nice thing to do, my ex has bought me a present (kids are adults so that's not a reason) it's because we are friends

80sColourfulChristmas · 18/12/2020 20:54

*Bought

Nohomemadecandles · 18/12/2020 20:54

Keeping you a secret is the tipping point.

The rest is OK on its own.

MsDogLady · 18/12/2020 20:55

You are sabotaging your life by being involved in this unstable situation.

They are talking all day and spending entire weekends together, and she has no idea that you exist. I assume that he also goes over during the week. He is telling her he loves her, which may get her hopes up.

While he needs to coparent and be supportive, it does sound like blurred boundaries and their contact is over-frequent. Could he spend a chunk of hours at hers without staying over the whole weekend? Has he ever taken the baby out alone for a little while?

I would walk away, OP. You should never be anybody’s secret.

Elfieishere · 18/12/2020 20:55

He isn’t a good guy.

He stays over her house and he’s spending Xmas with her Confused

Chuck him back in, he’s not worth it.

Closetbeanmuncher · 18/12/2020 21:01

There's certainly more going on under the surfact than this guy is letting on.

I wouldn't hang around to find out what.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 18/12/2020 21:09

Oh, goodness.

Keeping you secret, spending weekends with her...he is more hooked in than he is admitting.

Being an attentive Dad is one thing. And that is quite enough to take on as a new relationship. But it sounds as if there is unfinished business, at least, between him and her. Whether she is wanting to hold on to him and he is afraid to be straightforward for fear of losing access to his child... whether he is wanting a relationship with her...whichever way, it is all a lot of complication.

sudpralad · 18/12/2020 21:09

The gift is totally fine.

The other things you mentioned are red flags at best.

The fact she doesn't know about you after 11 months is a deal breaker.

MillieMooBee · 18/12/2020 21:29

I buy gifts for my daughters dad all the time. Birthday and Christmas. I also buy for his partner. He does the same for me. Its a nice thing to do.

My partner also does the same for his daughters mum.

Having said that i guess I'd be thinking differently if he'd told her that he loved her....

Sunbliss · 18/12/2020 21:37

Unfortunately my ex and I tore the heads off each other when we separated and never ever bought our then younger children gifts from them to each other on a special occasion so I know we both have had miserable days. Fortunately our children are older now so can buy us their own gifts. If I could go back and change that I definitely would because it sets a good example to your children.

The messages on the other hand, which would lead one to believe you have checked his phone because your senses have been heightened by the present buying is a whole other issue which needs addressing.

MobLife · 18/12/2020 21:38

So how many nights a week does he spend with you? Do you go to his or to yours?

peboh · 18/12/2020 21:45

It's good that they're amicable. They have a small child together you want them to be amicable. Unfortunately it seems like your relationships isn't thriving since the baby was born, are you worried about his loyalties now?

Rybvita · 18/12/2020 21:59

Don't be an interval act in their little circus, go and be with someone who can commit to you.

What a brilliant line - and so true.

It feels weird OP because the situation you're in is actually unnatural. As others have said, having a baby is both an incredibly bonding and tough experience as a couple, and a baby's arrival means a family unit is formed where both parents dote on the baby and the dad in particular dotes on the mother .

This unit has been disrupted by their on/off relationship and him dating you when you're not the mother of the baby. You're therefore an unintended intruder in this unit and you deserve so much better than a man keeping you on the side (mainly for sex) while he has his attention diverted by his baby and the mother of his child.

I wager that he'll soon either cheat or ditch you unfortunately. I'm surprised you even got involved with a man like this. Most women would run 20 miles from all that, so I'm sure he's feeling quite confident being able to gaslight you since you've been very naive in the first place to get into a relationship with him and his colossal baggage.

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