Page 4 | He brought his child’s mum a gift?

Gta211 · 2020-12-18T18:10:14+00:00

Hi so I’ve been with this guy for just over 11 months, he has a baby with a woman who he was never in a relationship with. So anyway we were out Christmas shopping today and he told me he needs to get her a gift from the child. I said it’s really weird that he would do that as it’s not as if the baby is old enough to ask? I don’t have kids so I’m not sure if that’s normal? The thing is they haven’t had the easiest of time since the baby has been born, a lot of arguments and tension. We just recently got over a message I saw where he told her he loved her and she was his family. Am I just being blind? I don’t know how to navigate this? I don’t want to get in the way but I feel like boundaries are being crossed?

crosshatching · 18/12/2020 19:27

@User878856488

Christmas dinner together? I'm not getting that tbh. The opening presents fine, but Christmas dinner? For the sake of a nine month old? Are you spending Christmas day elsewhere?

It's his baby's first Christmas, maybe he wants to be there for the day. Doesn't seem that unreasonable.

WilsonMilson · 18/12/2020 19:32

I buy my ex husband a small birthday and Christmas gifts from our ds. We have a friendly relationship but have both moved on, he is with someone and I’m remarried. It’s a nice thing to do.

Your problem here is that it appears your boyfriend has feelings for this woman that extend beyond amicable shared parenting.

Original poster

Gta211 · 18/12/2020 19:33

Thank you everyone for your responses I appreciate it. It just seems a bit too rocky for them to be amicable? Like they’re always arguing but then get on again for the sake of the child but they will talk all day, he will stay over her house as she’s breastfeeding so he can’t take the baby.

I’ve told him we need to talk so I suppose just waiting for him to come home

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KitKat1985 · 18/12/2020 19:34

Buying the mother of his child a Christmas present from the baby - nice. He trying to do the 'right thing' and far better for parents to have a harmonious relationship which is supportive and puts the child first (which includes supporting that child to give their other parent a gift).

Sending the mother of his child a message saying he loved her - obviously not okay.

MerylStreet · 18/12/2020 19:37

Your partner is being thoughtful and it’s definitely the right thing to do. The more amicable it can be the easier life will be. Please don’t think this is a weird thing to do. It isn’t at all.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 18/12/2020 19:40

I'm in agreement with many other pp. It's not a problem with the gift. Exdh has always bought me something from DC and I buy for him. Exdh even buys DP a present.

The message can be seen in different ways. Exdh or I would absolutely not say it in general. However he has said it twice. One when our divorce finalised but it was more of a "I will always love you in a way as the mother of my DC and my first wife "

He also said it again in platonic terms when I had a stroke. I absolutely know he does not love me and it would be a cold day in hell before either of us wanted to ever get back together.

To be honest though I do love him in a way
Not remotely ever comparable with my love for DP and absolutely no threat to it. But he was my husband , and he is the father of my DC. But seriously DP is the love of my life , exdh doesnt come close. In reality you can have a lot of different kinds of love.

Scottishskifun · 18/12/2020 19:40

@Gta211

Thank you everyone for your responses I appreciate it. It just seems a bit too rocky for them to be amicable? Like they’re always arguing but then get on again for the sake of the child but they will talk all day, he will stay over her house as she’s breastfeeding so he can’t take the baby.

I’ve told him we need to talk so I suppose just waiting for him to come home

The spending weekends together and staying over makes more sense as BF

Tbh it sounds like he is supporting and helping the mother of his child and is co parenting. Babies are incredibly hard work something that can't really be known til you have one at home! He wants to spend Xmas day with his child all of this seems perfectly reasonable to me.

But it seems to me that you struggle with him Co parenting and are jealous. As said his child will always come first you have to work out how you fit into his life as he has a child not the other way around. If you can't accept this then I'm afraid it's not the relationship for you but honestly he sounds like a responsible and helpful father.

hadesinahalfahell · 18/12/2020 19:40

Some posters are being overly harsh. OP, his situation sounds like a bit of a drama fuelled shit show. It sounds as if he is massively preoccupied in arguing with and making up with his XP over and over again and that his boundaries with her are completely blurred. Don't be an interval act in their little circus, go and be with someone who can commit to you.

Whiskeylover45 · 18/12/2020 19:42

Blimey weird? I buy all the Christmas presents and this year I bought DHs, DSs and DSDs mum and step dads ones. Just thought it was a nice, thoughtful thing to do...

RantyAnty · 18/12/2020 19:43

You've only been together a very short time. It might be best to end this as he seems to have feelings for her.

JustLikeStitch · 18/12/2020 19:44

Original poster

Gta211 · 18/12/2020 19:47

I think he was kind of benefiting from my naivety towards the situation? Whenever it was a bit weird he would say she’s the mother of his child. But I always thought there was a lot of anger involved which probably meant feelings on either side

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NeonSparkle · 18/12/2020 19:47

From the baby/child is fine/nice and I wouldn’t have a problem with that. She may not get much or anything from anyone else. From your title of the thread I thought it was a present from him which I wouldn’t be happy with on the other hand!

Babyg1995 · 18/12/2020 19:49

The gift wouldn't bother me the message would

Jenifirtree · 18/12/2020 19:50

You dont live together op, do you?

davekim · 18/12/2020 19:50

@Shinyletsbebadguys

I'm in agreement with many other pp. It's not a problem with the gift. Exdh has always bought me something from DC and I buy for him. Exdh even buys DP a present.

The message can be seen in different ways. Exdh or I would absolutely not say it in general. However he has said it twice. One when our divorce finalised but it was more of a "I will always love you in a way as the mother of my DC and my first wife "

He also said it again in platonic terms when I had a stroke. I absolutely know he does not love me and it would be a cold day in hell before either of us wanted to ever get back together.

To be honest though I do love him in a way
Not remotely ever comparable with my love for DP and absolutely no threat to it. But he was my husband , and he is the father of my DC. But seriously DP is the love of my life , exdh doesnt come close. In reality you can have a lot of different kinds of love.

This.

The fact that they argue a lot makes it even more important that he makes this effort. He will be connected to this woman forever, through the child they created, and if he wasn't trying to do nice things and be amicable, I would be really worried as this is a huge red flag.

With respect, you do sound quite immature.

Babies are hard work. If he is a decent person, the child will always be his priority, and part of being a parent includes making sure the other parent is happy, as it all impacts on the child. I would take the 'I love you' as a friendly one, in this context.

If you want a future with this man, you need to get on board and be kind and thoughtful with the mother of his child, because they are, and always will be, a family. You accept it, or you don't.

daisyjgrey · 18/12/2020 19:51

The present is normal.

The message is not.

Original poster

Gta211 · 18/12/2020 19:54

We don’t live together no. Another issue is she doesn’t know about me. I don’t even know why I spilling my guts out because it’s over.

He always said he didn’t want to upset her, he said it’s none of her business. And I stupidly went along

OP posts:

DonkeyMcFluff · 18/12/2020 19:56

The gift from the child is fine. But saying he loves her is crossing a line and I’d break up with him for that.

thosetalesofunexpected · 18/12/2020 19:56

What does this symbol mean then? Does it mean someone is being an Arsehole or something?😕

CatholicKidston · 18/12/2020 20:00

Sounds like they're still together tbh.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/12/2020 20:00

Do you really think this is a sensible basis of a healthy relationship with this man?

And do you really think him being in a secret relationship is a sensible basis for a healthy coparenting relationship with the mother of his child?

You don't need to be involved with a man you haven't known that long, who has for the duration of your relationship been getting to grips with becoming a father for the first time.

You do sound young and naive and have built this up into a serious relationship in name, but in reality you're basically dating someone who has got loads of shit on his plate, during a global pandemic, in secret from the only person in the world he has to speak to all the time as she is his child's mum.

In reality, you're dating and it's not working. It doesn't need to be a huge deal or involve a massive fall out - you can just say it's not working and you think it's best he focuses on coparenting etc not you so you're removing yourself from the equation.

Be wary of romanticising reality - saying things like that you've been together for just over eleven months instead of saying 'nearly a year' or 'about a year' is very much how a teen would validate a relationship as being serious or not - logging each month as very meaningful.

This one isn't a good long term call because you've been starting out in one of the most difficult years ever to date, adding into the mix him having just become a dad for the first time.

ThirstyGhost · 18/12/2020 20:03

@Gta211

We don’t live together no. Another issue is she doesn’t know about me. I don’t even know why I spilling my guts out because it’s over.

He always said he didn’t want to upset her, he said it’s none of her business. And I stupidly went along

She doesn't know about you? That's quite some drip feed (I know you probably didn't mean it to be).

The present isn't the issue. The message, along with him keeping you a secret is an issue big time. It's not fair on her or you. She's quite possibly hoping they'll get back together. That's if they've even broken up in the first place and he hasn't just spun her some complete BS. I'd be extremely careful here. You don't know what's going on and you don't know him well enough to know if he's telling you the truth. It's possible he's lied to you about everything here. They might still be together and just not living together. I'd run.

MobLife · 18/12/2020 20:05

How old are you and how old is he?

Nohomemadecandles · 18/12/2020 20:06

@Gta211

We don’t live together no. Another issue is she doesn’t know about me. I don’t even know why I spilling my guts out because it’s over.

He always said he didn’t want to upset her, he said it’s none of her business. And I stupidly went along

That changes things. I take it back. He's not being upfront at all.

I'd be out, I think. Sorry.