Wanking to porn in bed while your asleep

[LemoneyGin]

Woke up last night to OH wanking to porn on his phone. I've previously said to him that I would find that really uncomfortable and have asked several times if he's ever done it whilst I'm asleep next to me & he said no never. Clearly that's a lie & he's admitted it's been 'a few times', I feel really deflated about this - he's lied to my face & has no respect for me (otherwise he would have respected my wishes). How can I trust what he says? We're due to be married next year.

It's not the bank or porn I've ever objected to.
It's the fact that it makes the bed bobble about and wakes me up.

WANK!

This is so sad. He is supposed to be completely in love with you, you're not even married yet, and it seems he is resorting to porn. Believe me, many men who truly love their spouse don't look at porn. They don't need to. And yes, it is very disrespectful. I would make him understand you feel undervalued and like he is 'cheating' when he would rather watch porn than do it with you, the woman he is supposed to love. I mean, yeah, maybe middle aged+ couples, but you two are young and meant to be still so in love that you don't even want to look at anyone else. So him watching porn this early, before you're even married, is a major red flag. I would not accept it and would make damn sure he knew I did not want him watching porn ever again, and if he loved me so much he wanted to marry me, why does he have to resort to porn like a 60 year old?

Look at the whole picture OP. He’s now upset and feels bad and is minimising. You said yourself you’ve previously had a convo about it so he DOES know how you feel. He chose to not come have sex with you and he still did the porn thing. He’s now lying again by saying untrue things. It’s up to you but this would be a deal breaker for me. You don’t have to accept bad behaviour as being “that’s what men do”. I’ve had lots of boyfriends and married etc for 35 years. None of them have ever done what your OH has done. I’ve spent 35 years of overnights with men and that’s NEVER EVER happened. So it’s not all men is it? It’s just the one you’ve got. It’s never happened to any of my best mates either. So your theory of “they all do this” is wrong. You’re just trying to give yourself an excuse to ignore something that you know isn’t normal, isn’t right and is shitty, gross behaviour. I once had a boyfriend who used to sit and pick his nose and eat it in front of me. Every night. Is that normal man behaviour? No. I dumped him for that and I’d never be with somebody who did that ever again. You alone set your own boundaries. Enforce them. Do you really want to live like this? With a bloke wanking over porn next to you? Yuck. What a shit life.

Do not marry this man. Believe me you will be posting on here a year down the line sad and miserable and stuck. Get out now while you can because this won’t get better. He has zero respect for you and obviously has issues more than that too. Seriously you need to end it you can do so much better than this

I feel like if any guy says they don't watch porn they're either lying or they have no sex drive

This is insulting to men actually

Tbh, I think it's pretty accurate in my experience.

I've only known 3 men who didn't use porn.

One had a small cock and porn made him feel insecure/inadequate.

One had been sexually abused as a child and had been made to watch porn.

One had a very low sex drive and had no interest in sex at all.

A few other men claimed not to use it but you can tell by the sex if they do. I'd rather someone was just honest about it. At least you can have a conversation about it then.

@Cash02

At the same token though you can’t expect him to not watch porn or not to wank, that’s an unreasonable request really. Men don’t see it as sexual as you think, for a lot of men then needs to get one out so they can sleep etc. He should still be able to wank, just not next to you as you don’t like it.

But this is why it's so hard to deal with. I've got half of the posters telling me 'you can't ask him to not watch porn' and half telling me it's disgusting and I should dump him for it! What is the middle ground here?

Whatever you feel to be right for you.

It's up to you. Do you think it's ok or not?

@NewAndUnusual

I feel like if any guy says they don't watch porn they're either lying or they have no sex drive

This is insulting to men actually

Tbh, I think it's pretty accurate in my experience.

I've only known 3 men who didn't use porn.

One had a small cock and porn made him feel insecure/inadequate.

One had been sexually abused as a child and had been made to watch porn.

One had a very low sex drive and had no interest in sex at all.

A few other men claimed not to use it but you can tell by the sex if they do. I'd rather someone was just honest about it. At least you can have a conversation about it then.

As a man I think this is pretty accurate. Porn is widely used, always has been. I grew up before the internet but magazines and VCR tapes in plain wrappers were eagerly passed around and most of us were avid users.

Porn stimulates my desire in a general way, both for my DW and for solo activity. I think this applies to many, probably most, men. If the OP is satisfied with her partner in other respects there is nothing serious to worry about, though she is quite right to be upset about him watching it in bed with her, that is grossly disrespectful. He should be able to use his imagination if he needs to sort himself out when she is asleep.

If people were honest then you could decide whether to be with them or not. I personally don’t think you can impose that ban on another adult. It’s like saying you don’t want them gambling or drinking. ( for some people its a problem, some people don’t do them and a huge number indulge without it impacting on their life a great deal) You say “ I don’t like porn” and they say “ well I like to use it occasionally”. You both decide if you’re compatible. The fact that they lie about it creates this atmosphere of secrecy and the sense you’ve been deceived.

Ive masturbated next to my ex when he didnt satisfy me, he would fall asleep blissfully satisfied and I was frustrated so finished myself. I didnt watch porn but he was sleeping next to me.

OP,

Lots of different views here but your feelings are the ones that count.

You feel upset and your boundaries have been crossed.

You are a young couple.
He stayed drinking, refused sex with you and fell into bed for a porn sponsored wank.
I can well imagine you are questioning your relationship and you are not even married.

Him now suddenly contributing to the home he lives in when he normally doesn't all point to him being a bit of a selfish man.

Is this really someone you want to marry?.

You sound like a lovely woman but is he really good enough for you?

Doesn't sound it to me.

If I'm honest I don't think it would bother me really. Might feel uncomfortable in the moment but let's face is. Most of us masterbate and he thought you were asleep...

That’s exactly how I feel Divebar. I appreciate it’s anyones right to watch it but it’s my right to say if I want to be with someone using visual hardcore porn, especially if it’s a bit more than ‘occasional’ and by hiding it or lying about it takes away my ability to make that call. Why do you think so many men lie/hide it? it’s not because their wives are going to say ‘crack on mate’ and if they know it would upset their partners then they should be man enough to discuss it if they don’t feel they can stop

It would be a big no for me but as people have said previously its about what you find acceptable not what we think. I

It's not just men who use porn and watching it definitely does NOT mean you don't love your partner. My issue would be with him choosing porn over sex with me.

@yetmorecrap

Some of this stuff is very personal though isn’t it? In the early stages of dating you’re unlikely to reveal private information like your porn usage - particularly if it becomes clear that your partner doesn’t approve of it. You might genuinely believe that you don’t need it - particularly in the early days when the sex is rampant. If I had a vibrator and my DH announced he thought that was disrespectful and I shouldn’t need it should I be expected to give it up? Am I ok to masturbate with a sex toy even if there’s a man with a penis in the house? What if it was a massive 12 inch black dildo. Should I give it up because it makes him feel insecure about his own body? I personally think it’s nothing to do with my partner how I masturbate... it’s a private event. I would find any attempts to limit my private activities as controlling even if he claimed these were his “ boundaries”. Am I going to have this conversation in the early days of dating? Probably not.

@Divebar, I do know what you are getting at but when you have been with someone a long time and they know how you feel about it it’s slightly different- also vibrators are inanimate and don’t involve getting off to watching other people - I don’t think it’s the same.

I know. It’s hard to find a comparable example. I’m only giving my views about me and my relationships. Im quite liberal. I don’t really understand people who aren’t liberal - that’s not a criticism by the way. I think you can wish for openness around these conversations but I think there’s a lot of embarrassment and shame about sexual topics. Some families are very uptight about sex overall. They find nudity offensive and suspicious for example. You see it expressed on these boards all the time. Those environments don’t breed individuals who are very open to discuss sexual matters so these conversations don’t happen.

Thanks everyone. I feel like my feelings were hurt and I was disrespected. I've communicated that to him very clearly & believe his remorse over the situation. In the grand scheme of things, it's probably not a huge deal, but it meant something to me and he realises that now.

We have a great relationship. He's my best friend, he makes me laugh every day. He's never once been jealous or controlling & he's my biggest cheerleader. He also does still find me sexy & shows it all the time. I know it doesn't seem like it from what I said, but that is a rare occasion that he turns me down & he said it was because he didn't realise I was hinting at sex. Maybe I need to be a bit more obvious! And I think I could definitely work on my confidence as the thought of porn does leave me feeling a bit crap about myself for some reason.

In terms of stuff around the house he definitely does pull his weight. It's just little picky things like clearing up crumbs from making food he doesn't usually bother with/ or think about & ive noticed he's been very careful over the past few days to keep things the way I like them. So it's not that he's a crap partner at all!

This was a weird situation & everyone's shown me that they accept different things in their relationship. It's been comforting to hear that some people agree with me that it's disrespectful, but equally as comforting to hear from people who say that it wouldn't bother them! Obviously if it happened again after all this I would probably take more drastic action & he agrees with that.

I feel like if any guy says they don't watch porn they're either lying or they have no sex drive

That is so not true. Plenty of men are disgusted by porn. However it is more common than ever because of the internet and young boys learn about 'sex' from that, which is not realistic.

It's a bad habit which can lead to addiction.

Don't marry him.

@LemoneyGin

It sounds like you have a very sensible grasp of the situation... we all muddle through these kinds of situations. I dare say the majority of posters wouldn’t in fact “ LTB” If the relationship was otherwise good - despite what they may say here.

@jessstan1

I feel like if any guy says they don't watch porn they're either lying or they have no sex drive

That is so not true. Plenty of men are disgusted by porn. However it is more common than ever because of the internet and young boys learn about 'sex' from that, which is not realistic.

It's a bad habit which can lead to addiction.

Don't marry him.

Absolutely this! My DH doesn’t watch porn. He doesn’t agree with it as there’s so much trafficking/coercion involved in the industry - but we have a good sex life (we’d both like more sometimes but have 2 young DC and sometimes sleep takes priority!) but it is absolutely not true that not ‘all men watch it.’ I don’t watch it either.

^I meant it’s true that not all men watch it, oops