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Original poster

Wanking to porn in bed while your asleep

179 replies

LemoneyGin · 18/12/2020 14:12

Woke up last night to OH wanking to porn on his phone. I've previously said to him that I would find that really uncomfortable and have asked several times if he's ever done it whilst I'm asleep next to me & he said no never. Clearly that's a lie & he's admitted it's been 'a few times', I feel really deflated about this - he's lied to my face & has no respect for me (otherwise he would have respected my wishes). How can I trust what he says? We're due to be married next year.

OP posts:
ScrumptiousBears · 18/12/2020 18:11

I'm pretty shocked that most of you would find this horrendous. Would you rather he woke you up for a quickie? So some poor man (or woman) wakes in the night and can't get back to sleep and has a masterbates and you think it's unacceptable? Then some of you would rather he does in another room or in the shower? Hmm

Ifitsamouse · 18/12/2020 18:14

Well I’m female and when younger used to regularly, like twice a week, dream about sex and wake up all hot an bothered which required a quick sorting out to get back to sleep. I never considered it disrespectful to my partner.

I wouldn't like the porn though.

JazzyJelly · 18/12/2020 18:26

That's really foul and disrespectful OP, particularly lying about it.

Cash02 · 18/12/2020 18:29

@ScrumptiousBears my exact thoughts, I can understand her not liking it but he has every right to have a wank.

Original poster
LemoneyGin · 18/12/2020 18:29

@ScrumptiousBears

I'm pretty shocked that most of you would find this horrendous. Would you rather he woke you up for a quickie? So some poor man (or woman) wakes in the night and can't get back to sleep and has a masterbates and you think it's unacceptable? Then some of you would rather he does in another room or in the shower? Hmm
He stayed up drinking till 3am then came to bed and watched porn, I feel like that is different and I had told him before I would be uncomfortable about it. I don't mind masturbating and get that it's completely normal. We've just had a big chat and he is feeling really bad, he said he didn't realise how much it would upset me and that he has no excuses. Wants to do anything to work it out. Our sex live is usually good but has its ups and downs - we've been together a long time. I think it smarted more as I'd asked him to come up with me last night (for sex) and he chose to do that instead
OP posts:
Nannewnannew · 18/12/2020 18:30

Jesus, my husband gets the side eye if he rustles his bag of crisps!!!!!😂😂😂😂

Original poster
LemoneyGin · 18/12/2020 18:30

@charliebear78

Well I just can't get over the idea of Mucky and her OH watching a film and all of a sudden they whip their pants down and start wanking-whilst OH carries on watching the film!! I seriously laughed so much!!! Sorry Mucky-I agree with much of your posts!-but seriously!!!
This did make me laugh too - thanks for cheering me up!
OP posts:
catbunnydog · 18/12/2020 18:32

@ScrumptiousBears

I'm pretty shocked that most of you would find this horrendous. Would you rather he woke you up for a quickie? So some poor man (or woman) wakes in the night and can't get back to sleep and has a masterbates and you think it's unacceptable? Then some of you would rather he does in another room or in the shower? Hmm
I’m honestly shocked that you would be cool with you other half wanking in the bed next to you

I don’t care about wanking, porn watching, whatever - but if I was awake in the middle of the night and thought some masturbation would help, I would def go into another room. I’d need my privacy!

Why is the option wake you up for a quickie or wank in bed? Honestly the posts on this thread are Confused

Eckhart · 18/12/2020 18:44

There's no rules about whether this is ok in a relationship or not. Some may be ok with it, some may not.

What matters is that you've told him before how you feel about it, and that he's lied to you, and you now feel you can't trust him. Respect your own feelings about this. If you find him repulsive/disrespectful/dishonest/whatever, tell him so. If you think you'll find it hard to let go of, tell him so. It's important that he respects your feelings too.

Clymene · 18/12/2020 18:44

What you do in your relationships is neither here nor there. The OP has been quite clear:
"But I explicitly asked him not to do it while I was in bed asleep next to him and asked if he'd ever done that."

That's her boundary and she's entitled to it. Her husband hasn't respected it.

Icenii · 18/12/2020 18:51

Wanking is fine. Doing it in the same room without the other person being aware is very wrong to me (unless their is an agreement). You wouldn't wank in a cinema or in a room with other people, why is it acceptable to do this with your partner if they are not aware? Just because you are in a sexual relationship it does not mean you can do this without the agreement of the other.

ClearingSpaceOnTheTrophyShelf · 18/12/2020 19:50

@charliebear78

Well I just can't get over the idea of Mucky and her OH watching a film and all of a sudden they whip their pants down and start wanking-whilst OH carries on watching the film!! I seriously laughed so much!!! Sorry Mucky-I agree with much of your posts!-but seriously!!!
Ha ha. I was gobsmacked too.

I liked how @JazzyGeoff put it though

MuckyPlucky · 18/12/2020 21:04

Blimey, I didn’t realise that the random fairly humdrum recounting of a tiny bit of what goes on in mine and Mr Plucky’s pants would create such an internet stir! Do I win something?! Grin

MuckyPlucky · 18/12/2020 21:10

[quote MuckyPlucky]@Babdoc because sex and masturbation are sometimes separate pleasures and not always related. Sometimes I want sex with my brilliant sexy partner, other times I want sex with myself. Simple as. He feels the same, and we’re both totally free and easy with the other having a wank if they want one. The only time it’s been a slight issue has been when there has been some sort of issue between us in the “us” sex department, and then the wanking has felt a bit like a betrayal. But when the sex is good and plentiful (as it usually is) then neither of us minds the other having an additional wank.[/quote]
Aha, OP From your update it sounds like I was near the mark here, in saying that the only time masturbation has caused a problem in my r’ship has been when things haven’t felt right in the couple-sex department, and then I’ve experienced it as a rejection/betrayal.

It sounds like you may be understandably feeling like that if you’d asked him up to bed with you in the hopes of sex; he declined but then later had a wank instead. I’d be feeling rejected and miserable at that, and knowing me would be projecting all my insecurities onto it.

isitsummertimeyet · 18/12/2020 22:16

@Bk21

I would be pissed off if I found my DH doing that. Porn or wanking when alone is a big no in our marriage.
You sound a joy to be married too.. If someone told me I couldnt masterbate when i was alone and was dictated too like that youl'd be binned quicker than last nights chinese takeaway
Bibidy · 18/12/2020 22:34

I can see why it upset you since you had asked him to come up with your earlier and he didn't fancy it. That said though, if it was a few hours earlier maybe he just wasn't in the mood at that point - that's OK.

The only thing that would annoy me here is that, considering he knows you don't like it, why didn't he just stay in the other room and sort himself out there before getting into bed, since he'd only just come through?

Apart from that though it wouldn't bother me hugely unless he was often refusing sex with me but doing this instead.

NotPrude · 19/12/2020 00:49

Personally it wouldn’t bother me, DH and I are very open and comfortable with each other on that front. But that’s our relationship. Every relationship has their boundaries and yours are clear. If he’s crossed that line for you, then you’re not being unreasonable by being upset.

Redflaggs · 19/12/2020 00:57

@LemoneyGin first yuck 🤢

But from his point : it's his bed too, and if he had said yes you would of told him no putting your wishes above him.

Why doesn't he go to the bathroom?...

Redflaggs · 19/12/2020 01:00

@hocuspocus1922
You need to chill out!
It's not just men that watch porn or get themselves off.

Telling someone to get their head checked is rude as f.

You don't come on here bossy people- what's wrong with you.

isawthatt · 19/12/2020 01:09

This wouldn’t sit well with me at all. Everyone has different boundaries in a relationship. DH and I are both happy with the other masturbating, but not to porn. That’s a boundary we set very early on in our relationship, and if I found out he broke that trust then I would be extremely upset. The issue is that he’s done something you aren’t comfortable with and has lied. If he really can’t stop himself masturbating next to you then he should’ve been clear about that when you told him you were uncomfortable. YADNBU. Everyone’s different, so some people may be fine with it, but you aren’t and have voice that to your DP and he has agreed not to do it. He should’ve kept that agreement

Ultimateblends · 19/12/2020 01:19

Ive just read through all your replies to Pp, op, dont know if you're still reading the thread now..
But I will go slightly against the grain here and say I have "got off" next to my partner (although not using porn) and in those times its just been a mean to an end, when hes been asleep, or too tired to DTD.

This is absolutely no reflection on how I feel about him - prehaps it is the same for you DP.

The thing I sympathise with you is that you told him it made you uncomfortable and you expected Transparency on the issue, he "went behind your back" and actively disrespected your boundaries, this is a problem, and hurtful.

You've done the right thing by telling him how you feel about him crossing your boundaries.

I think this is a moment to see if you can accept he might do this; or if it is crossing a line.

The problem isn't so much him pleasuring himself, but the hurt you feel after catching him in a "lie"

ethelredonagoodday · 19/12/2020 01:22

@willloman

Nothing wrong with masturbation, with or without partner input... but would not like partner using porn next to me in bed. As one person said a bit sleazy...Maybe you need an honest discussion instead of treating him like naughty puppy...
Yep this. If your sex drives are mismatched it can help to balance that out. But wouldn't be happy about the porn.
suggestionsplease1 · 19/12/2020 01:23

These threads always amaze me.

They show the diversity of norms and expectations when it comes to sex. I guess what is important is that people go into partnerships with others who share similar attitudes to them.

I can not imagine dragging myself out of bed to go another room to have a 2 minute wank, if the mood so took me, whilst my partner was sleeping peacefully next to me. But I have always had very open, happy discussions about that and it would never be an issue for me or someone I partnered up with.

Copernico · 19/12/2020 05:24

Tbh I have done the same as your partner sometimes. I’m a woman, btw. I agree with others that everyone is different and if those are your boundaries, they’re your boundaries. That said, if my partner tried to dictate to me that I couldn’t masturbate in my own bed (even to porn) I’d find that very controlling.

Obviously he shouldn’t have lied but maybe some pre-marital counseling is in order, as you two should be more aligned on communication and openness.

sammylady37 · 19/12/2020 06:16

I absolutely would not stay with someone who told me I couldn’t masturbate in my own bed, or indeed at all, as some here seem to be suggesting.

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