Wanking to porn in bed while your asleep

[LemoneyGin]

Woke up last night to OH wanking to porn on his phone. I've previously said to him that I would find that really uncomfortable and have asked several times if he's ever done it whilst I'm asleep next to me & he said no never. Clearly that's a lie & he's admitted it's been 'a few times', I feel really deflated about this - he's lied to my face & has no respect for me (otherwise he would have respected my wishes). How can I trust what he says? We're due to be married next year.

It looks like there are 2 issues here.

1. Wanking.

1. Porn.

As a female, l’ve woken up And enjoyed a little “me time” with someone sleeping next to me. I don’t see anything wrong with that. I’m a sexual being and when l feel the need, l feel the need. Clearly, l would not want to apply double standards.

Porn use is a seperate issue.

Tell him that you are especially upset because you were up for it earlier and asked him and he didn’t respond and then just pleased himself later. I’d rather get woken up for a quickie than for DH to do that - plus, porn is a big no in our relationship - if he wanted to, we would be incompatible.

Looks like I'm one of the few who sees it as a sex act bring performed in the same room as someone else without consent. Perfectly fine if you've discussed it. Would you do if next to a friend or other family member you've shared a bed with?

I feel like if any guy says they don't watch porn they're either lying or they have no sex drive

It they have an imagination that works. Or read written erotica. What do you imagine men did in the days before readily available porn?

So many people seem to think the question here is 'Is it ok to wank in bed next to your sleeping partner?'

OP has already stated clearly that it it not ok for her, so I'm not sure why people are sharing whether it's ok for them.

She's stated a preference to her husband, and he is continuing to do it even though he knows she is uncomfortable about it. If he feels restricted by her preference, he needs to talk to her about it, rather than just dismiss her. He is lying to her. It's astonishing that people are focusing on whether 'porn is ok' or 'wanking is ok' here.

OP didn't ask us to judge her opinion for her. She asked 'How can I trust what he says?'

The is some spectacular point-missing here.

I read the title and thought it was about sleep-wanking!
He should be respecting your wishes, which you've already made clear to him. Also, if he comes crashing in at 3am to do it he's likely to wake you up, which would piss me off. He just sounds inconsiderate. Why does he go to bed so late?

I'm not thrilled at the thought of porn at all, but have resigned myself to the fact that it's what men will do and you have to just put up with it.

No, it's not what all men do and no, you don't have to put up with it. Unfortunately so many men and women think this that it just perpetuates the idea of porn being 'the norm'

These links explain things well:

fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-damages-consumers-sex-lives/

fightthenewdrug.org/10-reasons-why-you-should-not-let-your-boyfriend-watch/

www.telegraph.co.uk/men/thinking-man/mens-lives-ruined-pornography-arent-angry/

It's grim, I'd honestly LTB for this

Thanks everyone for the replies. I know this is a topic which always gets different opinions from people and is why it's so hard to figure out what is right for you personally. Would I have been ok with OH wanking next to me NOT to porn? Yes. So porn is part of the issue here. But I don't feel I can ban him from looking at it (I know that is a line he definitely would cross often and it would hurt me so I've never tried to say he can't look it at). But I don't like it, at all. The thought of him watching it next to me whilst I'm asleep feels really disrespectful to me and I'd said to him several times I wouldn't like it at all. I also hate the fact that he's lied to me and it feels like he clearly doesn't care about respecting my feelings or making me feel uncomfortable.

I've had several frank conversations with my OH since Thurs night and have cried a lot. I said how it made me feel, how I don't trust him, how it's made me look at him differently, how I'm having second thoughts, how I don't even want to sleep in my own bed because i think he'll do it again. He is very upset with himself and saying all the right things, made me dinner & doing stuff around the house that he wouldn't normally do. But obviously none of that really changes anything.

I don't know what to do. He wants me to trust him and let me prove that he will never do it again - how that happens I don't know as I can't stay awake forever! I don't like the porn, the lying or the boundary crossing and I don't know how to fix those things.

"doing stuff around the house" Oh dear.

So, what plenty of people are saying is that the op has told him she doesn’t want him watching porn and wanking while next to her in bed and the fact he continues to do it knowing it upsets her is a sign of disrespect, boundary crossing, utter selfishness, a sign he doesn’t care about her feelings etc and people are calling the entire relationship into question.

Does this apply to other issues or just wanking to porn?

Why do the OPs wishes trump his?

If the issue was a male partner telling his female partner that it upset him when she went out with her friends without him and if he wanted her to stop doing this because it upset him and if she continued to do it and that led to days of discussions and tears and angst, would everyone be saying “oh but he’s told you it upsets him, you really shouldn’t be doing it anymore, it’s so disrespectful”??? They surely would not, they’d be shouting about how controlling he was. I think here the fact that it’s about porn and masturbation is clouding the issue a bit.

Disgusting and disrespectful. Your bed is your safe place and you won't want to go there if you're concerned he's doing that next to you!

I don't know what to do. He wants me to trust him and let me prove that he will never do it again - how that happens I don't know as I can't stay awake forever!

How would he prove it? Well, I suppose there are smart watches. His heart rate overnight should tell you.

Does he need to watch porn every single time he masturbates? It'a a bit worrying if he does.

Ffs. Wanking while watching porn in the same bed as a sleeping person who doesn't want it IS crossing a boundary unless it's been explicitly agreed upon beforehand. If the person doing it doesn't like this boundary they can leave, they have control over their own life. If they want to be with someone who is comfortable with that then they are free to go and find that person.

It is NOT controlling to have boundaries and to want them to be respected. It just isn't and it is ridiculous to compare this boundary with a partner going out with friends and not liking it. Everyone has the right to go out with their friends, not everyone has the right to complete a sexual act in the presence of someone who has not consented.

OP's wishes trump her fiancé's because the person who says 'no' to a sexual encounter (and it was a sexual encounter involving her, even if she was asleep) gets priority over the person who says 'yes' to it!

I’m wondering if the real issue here is not really about the wanking or the porn per se, but is about the OP feeling sexually rejected by her DP and feeling that he has prioritised having a wank by himself over having sex with her?

I’m very comfortable & open with wanking (as previously stated) but.... I’d not like it at all if my DP was turning me down in favour of a wank, as it would dent my confidence and self esteem. Also I wouldn’t like the secrecy around it. I love seeing my DP wanking but wouldn’t like him feeling he had to be sneaky about it.

I'm pretty shocked that most of you would find this horrendous

Some of the views expressed about masturbation ( I’m not including the porn) on this thread are mind blowing. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be married to someone who was so uptight as to expect their partner to sit in a cold bathroom in the middle of the night.

@JazzyJelly

OP's wishes trump her fiancé's because the person who says 'no' to a sexual encounter (and it was a sexual encounter involving her, even if she was asleep) gets priority over the person who says 'yes' to it!

Ffs. It wasn’t a sexual encounter involving her, anymore than him having a cup of tea and a biscuit in bed while the op slept would be a snack involving her. If you truly believe that it was, then you’re calling it sexual assault as she was asleep so therefore couldn’t consent.

@User878856488

Ffs. Wanking while watching porn in the same bed as a sleeping person who doesn't want it IS crossing a boundary unless it's been explicitly agreed upon beforehand. If the person doing it doesn't like this boundary they can leave, they have control over their own life. If they want to be with someone who is comfortable with that then they are free to go and find that person.

It is NOT controlling to have boundaries and to want them to be respected. It just isn't and it is ridiculous to compare this boundary with a partner going out with friends and not liking it. Everyone has the right to go out with their friends, not everyone has the right to complete a sexual act in the presence of someone who has not consented.

It actually can be very controlling to have boundaries, depending on what the boundaries are, and “that’s my boundary, take it or leave it” can be trotted out as a cover for controlling behaviour. Boundaries re contact with members of the opposite sex, phone searching, handing over password etc are often covers for control. Hence my analogy and question. There are people here thinking the op’s partner should leave the comfort of his bed (it’s his space as much as it is hers) to engage in masturbation, and saying vile things about him cos he wants to have a wank in his own bed. The same people would no doubt castigate him if he woke the op for sex.

@User878856488

Ffs. Wanking while watching porn in the same bed as a sleeping person who doesn't want it IS crossing a boundary unless it's been explicitly agreed upon beforehand. If the person doing it doesn't like this boundary they can leave, they have control over their own life. If they want to be with someone who is comfortable with that then they are free to go and find that person.

It is NOT controlling to have boundaries and to want them to be respected. It just isn't and it is ridiculous to compare this boundary with a partner going out with friends and not liking it. Everyone has the right to go out with their friends, not everyone has the right to complete a sexual act in the presence of someone who has not consented.

This. That comparison was really reaching. But then we live in a society where women are taught that their boundaries don't mean anything so it's not surprising that lots of people are telling the OP that something's wrong with her.

@sammylady37

The reason the OP has not consented is because she verbally and clearly withdrew consent to being in the presence of this sexual act. If her partner doesn't like that, he is free to leave and find someone who is fine with it. This isn't rocket science.

And all this does include her. If a man was lying in bed with his child would you say that he is free to watch porn and masturbate as it doesn't include the child? Or would you say it was crossing a line that most people would recognise as being wrong? You can say I'm being ridiculous or exaggerating (which I am) but it does make it clear that this does include whoever he is in bed with.

I've done it, I don't see the issue at all, still happily married, I still love my DH. Sometimes sex is effort, just fancied a clean, quiet, quick orgasm 🤷‍♀️

@sammylady37

So, what plenty of people are saying is that the op has told him she doesn’t want him watching porn and wanking while next to her in bed and the fact he continues to do it knowing it upsets her is a sign of disrespect, boundary crossing, utter selfishness, a sign he doesn’t care about her feelings etc and people are calling the entire relationship into question.

Does this apply to other issues or just wanking to porn?

Why do the OPs wishes trump his?

If the issue was a male partner telling his female partner that it upset him when she went out with her friends without him and if he wanted her to stop doing this because it upset him and if she continued to do it and that led to days of discussions and tears and angst, would everyone be saying “oh but he’s told you it upsets him, you really shouldn’t be doing it anymore, it’s so disrespectful”??? They surely would not, they’d be shouting about how controlling he was. I think here the fact that it’s about porn and masturbation is clouding the issue a bit.

Her wishes don't trump his. But she's told him she didn't like it, and the assumption is that he said 'OK, I won't do it then.' And then he's done it anyway. It's the disrespect that's the problem, rather than the incompatibility. I think we'd have seen a very different post if OP had said 'I told him he didn't like it and he said "so what? I don't care what you like or don't like, I'm going to do it anyway."'

'I don't like the porn, the lying or the boundary crossing and I don't know how to fix those things.'

@LemoneyGin You can't. You can only change your own behaviour. The things you want to change are his behaviour, and you're right; if he lies, he'll never be able to prove his point, because you can't stay awake for the rest of your life.

. Sometimes I’ll have a wank whilst we’re watching a film, or he’ll have a wank whilst I’m reading the paper next to him in bed

I'm not sure how I feel about this comment. I guess a bit of a mixture of , , , and !

Honestly, no offence but you all sound like right prudes. If I woke up and he was doing that I would put it in my mouth and shag him but maybe I’m weird 🤷🏻‍♀️