Anyone else plan to leave husband when kids are older?s

[Bidingmytime44]

Hi looking to see if anyone is in my situation to chat to as feel very alone. Have name changed.

Ive been with my husband my whole adult life. Have two kids under 10. He works in a senior management roll and im a housewife.
Im a housewife mainly because his roll his so important (his words) he could never possibly have time off to look after poorly children or during holidays. And we manage well on the one wage so its just easier all round. Im happy not to work .

Anyway, i cant stand him anymore to be truthful. He is a completely different person now. We started off as equals, from the same local area, same friends, same level of employment etc . Since having the children and him climbing the career ladder he treats me like an unpaid servant! I of course do all the housework, cooking etc but he does absolutely nothing, even when off work. He doesnt even make his own drinks! He makes it very clear he is the boss of our family and my opinions count for nothing.
He is a very good father and the kids idolise him. All that he earns is spent on the house and the family. He treats us very well in that respect.

But the love has gone. We sleep in seperate rooms, havent had sex for 4 years and dont think we will again. Im not physically attracted to him at all.

Before covid we managed well as he was only here evenings and weekends. Since March he has been here 100% of the time. I absolutely hate it and theres no end in site.

Thats the background. Sorry its long. In my heart i want to seperate . Have fantasised about it for years. But i wont for 2 selfish reasons. I dont want to be apart from my children . They are my whole world and i would put up with anything to stay with them (they have a happy home, we dont argue etc, , the feelings are kept inside and we live a lie basically).
Secondly is financial reasons. Selfish reasons. We have a good life. If we seperated , the job i would do would be minimum wage. I would not be able to run the house we are in. I would not be able to give them the life we have now. So i stay. And i dream of the time when they are older and more independent and we can seperate .
Ive been told by other people that teenagers dont deal well with adult seperation. I know when i was a teenager i wished every day for my parents to seperate because they argued alot and my dad was strict. They never did seperate and i see how my mums life has been affected by staying. Hers was also financial reasons.

Anyone else in the same boat as me? Or has seperated when kids are older ? I feel like im wishing the years away to start my life!

Life is too short op why stay and be miserable, kids will notice they arent daft op. Better to leave have youre own little house and a job and be happy.

I agree that life is too short. If you're not having sex it's likely he'll look elsewhere eventually. What you don't want to happen is that he has an affair because even if you couldn't care less about him sleeping with another woman, the effects of an affair reach much wider, affecting people's mental health for one.
It sounds as though you're trapped financially, which is a common problem. Is there no way you could talk to him and tell him how you feel? Could he change in the way he is treating you? If he cherishes you more, maybe you might start to have feelings for him again?

Looks to me like you are mirroring what happened in your parents relationship.

10 years or more (You didn’t say how old they are exactly) is a long time to be in a loveless relationship. It’s almost certain one of you will have their head turned in that time. Is that what you are waiting for? What if it did and it was him? Would you still stay and just put up with it?

Sounds very depressing to me but I accept that it is hard to restart your life, especially given your current circumstances. I would personally start to think about getting back to work to at least give you something else in your life and then build from there.

Does he show contempt/apathy towards you?

Life is too short - crack on amd live your life!

@mamaoffourdc

Life is too short - crack on amd live your life!

Life is too short. Your unhappiness will only grow, you deserve to be happy. ** Make a plan.

I'm the same. People always say 'it would be better for the kids if you left', well no it wouldn't. We'd be totally skint running two households. There would be no swimming, no ballet, no holidays, no anything nice. H and I parent well together. We're not unkind to each other, the children are loved and life is lovely for them. Whilst I have happy children, I can grin and bear it then they will fly the nest and I can go in live in my cottage by the sea.

Weve been together for 20 years! I honeslty dont care if he has an affair. I wish that he would just decide to leave because that would take the decision out of my hands.
But he wont do that because hes got it cushy! He loves his job, he doesnt have to worry about childcare etc, he doesnt have to deal with the drudgery of daily life. He just gets all the good bits and is quite happy!
I am completely trapped financially.

Honestly think of what your children are absorbing by being exposed to a relationship where you're thought of as less than. They will know you aren't valued, if you have daughters they will mirror that in their future relationships, if you have sons they will treat their partners that way.

Make a plan. Think about what training you might need to earn more highly. Make it clear to him you plan on doing this in the new year: look at what you can outsource to enable this. If you're not prepared to leave immediately, at least use the time to increase your ability to earn and make a proper plan. See a solicitor. It is highly likely it would be better for you financially to leave while they are younger.

The situation you are in is not good for your children, and not good for you: leaving when you are much older and not eligible for any child support and nobody really remembers why you made the contribution and sacrifices you did (and lets be fair teenagers with friends whose parents won't work are unlikely to recognise they need you at home either) is the worst of all possible worlds.

Why just accept you could never earn mor than minimum wage? Can you use the time your kids are at school to get some career advice and retrain?

Your husband will blatantly only want every other weekend with the kids so why not just set yourself up with a decent job and leave?

@39ILoveAnOwl oh my goodness we have matching lives and dreams!
The kids are completely fine and are having a wonderful childhood. I am willing to sacrifice my happiness for them. Especially when it wont be forever. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel for me. I will literally set a date

Hi @Bidingmytime44
I am in a similar but not the exact same situation. I have my own thread going here on the relationships board which is, sad lonely and a long time since i’ve smiled.

I am sorry to read about your situation. I have had some great advice on here. I’m sure you will too. I suppose that I just want to let you know that your not alone

You might be waiting a long time for kids to fly the nest these days - they can't afford to get on the property ladder/pay rent in certain parts of the country!

If you are acsahm to school aged children you have time in the day to take part in training. There is nothing (except Covid) stopping you training up in something you find interesting. Scary or exciting? They're biologically the same emotion so relabel it and get on!

Im not waiting for them to fly the nest, i just want them to be older so that they are more independent , have social lives and dont need the same level of care from me. Then i am quite happy to share custody.

I will not be seperating earlier than when my eldest hits 16 for the reasons stated in my original post. I dont want to break up my family because ive fallen out of love. Its not the kids faults and i want to give them a stable childhood.

Why don’t you take control now and start training in a field you like? Your children are not super young and maybe you can get a babysitter for some number of hours a week: you are sah, the kids are getting older, you resent your husband, he takes advantage of you, and you are trapped. There are more options than stay or go and be poor. Take some time to think about what you want to do outside of the roles you have now and try to work toward them. Good luck.

@52Love51 he doesnt want me to and wont pay for me to do so. I have no money of my own.
He wants me to clean the house all day and be present in the home.

I hope you get your dream OP. Sounds like this is a long-term plan which needs attention from now on. The training sounds like a good idea, just make sure it's in a field you love otherwise it will feel like drudgery on top of everything else you're experiencing.

[quote Bidingmytime44]@52Love51 he doesnt want me to and wont pay for me to do so. I have no money of my own.
He wants me to clean the house all day and be present in the home.[/quote]
Oh, this could have been me typing that!
It's very convenient for you to be tied to the house all day long ... perhaps he is up to no good already?

Make the break sooner rather than later. Divorce is not failure OP but living in unhappiness as you are is. Whose sake are you really staying for here; theirs or as the case really is yours?.

He is not a good father to his children if you are treated like this. Women also in poor relationships often write the "good dad" comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. I also think you are mirroring what your own mother did here; she stayed in her relationship for what are really weak, selfish and spurious reasons too. I reckon you were not at all impressed with her when you discovered that your mother stayed with her H for as long as she did because of financial reasons. You likely did not say thanks mum to her for she doing that and your kids won't either.

Children are not daft and I would think your DC see and hear far more than either of you care to realise. They probably wonder of you why you are putting him before them because they see you constantly preoccupied and otherwise worried.

No obstacle to leaving is insurmountable and what are you in turn teaching your DC about relationships here?. Would you want them as adults to have a relationship like yours, no you would not and its not good enough for you either. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships.

Waiting for the children to go off to college and then divorcing may make the kids feel guilty that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them. We owe our children much more than the physicality of an intact family. We owe them our truth.

Are you simply afraid to move on with your life and take your own responsibility for happiness?. It does appear so. It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

You can get a student loan for course fees for the Open University. I did it. Got me a step closer to my goal and all I had at the time were 4 gcses. Also gave me something to focus on just for me.

I'm not in your position, but I have been with DH since I was 20 and while we are stable and reasonably happy, I wouldn't say we are madly in love and I do fantasise about living alone one day. Financially, I'm actually better off though, he is the one who would be screwed if we split up as he couldn't afford to rent more than a room in a house. I have a career and a good pension, even if my job isn't well paid at the moment I have plans to go further. I can't imagine kicking him out to fend for himself!

As the child of parents who split when I was in my 30’s I will tell you now. It won’t be ANY easier for them to hear it when they are older. They will feel like their whole life was a lie!! And as a woman I would leave if I were you and have much more pride in myself for doing what was right for me!! You are minimising and do yourself a HUGE disservice. You won’t leave when they are older...you will find another reason why it won’t suit OP!!

You are giving them a childhood which although seems happy on the surface has their parents showing antipathy and outright dislike towards the other. Its not their fault their dad has decided to embark on his own private based war against you.

What do you think they will learn here about relationships from you two if this is the model they are seeing?. I feel for them the most in all this because you people as their parents are letting them down.

OP you say he won't leave because he's got it cushy, you're exactly the same. You're both holding up your end of the deal in terms of running a family. But neither of you are investing in your relationship.

You should talk to him. You should tell him how you are feeling.

And you should leave.

20 years on a relationship, married with kids, you would come off well in the divorce with ongoing maintenance and part of his pension. You won't be skint.

You're holding both of you back from happiness.

I was you. I found a lover and it relieved some of the pain.

However it was a long 10 years for me before I left.

He makes it very clear he is the boss of our family and my opinions count for nothing.

He is not a good father if he is openly treating his children's mother with such contempt.

I know MN is very quick to call LTB, life is too short etc, but I can see why two parents who are able co-parent equally and amicably might choose to stay together when the alternative is a significantly worse financial situation and having to spend time separated from their children.

But that doesn't sound like what is happening here. To be treated as an 'unpaid servant' in your own home is awful, and a terrible example to be setting to your children.

Anecdotally I have a couple of friends whose parents waited to divorce until they had flown the nest. Both of them found it incredibly difficult to deal with and felt that their childhoods had been a lie.