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Original poster

Anyone else plan to leave husband when kids are older?s

155 replies

Bidingmytime44 · 18/12/2020 11:20

Hi looking to see if anyone is in my situation to chat to as feel very alone. Have name changed.

Ive been with my husband my whole adult life. Have two kids under 10. He works in a senior management roll and im a housewife.
Im a housewife mainly because his roll his so important (his words) he could never possibly have time off to look after poorly children or during holidays. And we manage well on the one wage so its just easier all round. Im happy not to work .

Anyway, i cant stand him anymore to be truthful. He is a completely different person now. We started off as equals, from the same local area, same friends, same level of employment etc . Since having the children and him climbing the career ladder he treats me like an unpaid servant! I of course do all the housework, cooking etc but he does absolutely nothing, even when off work. He doesnt even make his own drinks! He makes it very clear he is the boss of our family and my opinions count for nothing.
He is a very good father and the kids idolise him. All that he earns is spent on the house and the family. He treats us very well in that respect.

But the love has gone. We sleep in seperate rooms, havent had sex for 4 years and dont think we will again. Im not physically attracted to him at all.

Before covid we managed well as he was only here evenings and weekends. Since March he has been here 100% of the time. I absolutely hate it and theres no end in site.

Thats the background. Sorry its long. In my heart i want to seperate . Have fantasised about it for years. But i wont for 2 selfish reasons. I dont want to be apart from my children . They are my whole world and i would put up with anything to stay with them (they have a happy home, we dont argue etc, , the feelings are kept inside and we live a lie basically).
Secondly is financial reasons. Selfish reasons. We have a good life. If we seperated , the job i would do would be minimum wage. I would not be able to run the house we are in. I would not be able to give them the life we have now. So i stay. And i dream of the time when they are older and more independent and we can seperate .
Ive been told by other people that teenagers dont deal well with adult seperation. I know when i was a teenager i wished every day for my parents to seperate because they argued alot and my dad was strict. They never did seperate and i see how my mums life has been affected by staying. Hers was also financial reasons.

Anyone else in the same boat as me? Or has seperated when kids are older ? I feel like im wishing the years away to start my life!

OP posts:
1992serpent · 18/12/2020 13:45

If you're not having sex it's likely he'll look elsewhere eventually

He already has. It's been 4 years.

pinkdragons · 18/12/2020 13:48

And yes. 4 years no sex... no way. He'll have someone. (Or some outlet for this).

FestiveStuffing · 18/12/2020 13:48

Yes, that's financial abuse.

BurrosTail · 18/12/2020 13:53

What makes you think you’d be on minimum wage for the rest of your life? If you started as a receptionist or filing/admin support, did that for 6 months to a year, applied for the next level with more responsibilities, then again to the next level a year after, then surely you will have a decent income in the remaining years before retirement. Of course the issue is to get employment in the first place but start on minimum wage.

Has your husband been paying into a private pension for you?

Hidinge · 18/12/2020 13:53

I remember being taken to one of my dad's friends houses when I was a child. The kids had a computer, which we could play solitaire on and was amazing to me back then. The dad wore a suit, had gold jewellery. The mum was overweight and wore charity shop. Even then I could see that it was so sad and not right.

rosabug · 18/12/2020 13:53

Christ. I've been on the receiving end of a partner waiting until the kids get older. Have some integrity and respect for your partner. Talk now and end it. Or don't. But don't do that to another human - bad model for your kids.

Yohoheaveho · 18/12/2020 13:55

[quote Bidingmytime44]@52Love51 he doesnt want me to and wont pay for me to do so. I have no money of my own.
He wants me to clean the house all day and be present in the home.[/quote]
This sounds like financial abuse and coercive control, he's doing everything he can to make sure that you are completely dependent on him and cannot escape.

Whoateallthestuffingballs · 18/12/2020 14:01

I am really sorry, OP. You are being financially and emotionally abused. Look at the Freedom Programme. Could family help you get back on your feet? Consult with a sollictor now. You would definitely be financially better off apart with a split of assets plus child benefit if he allows you know access to money.

Do not underestimate the toll this will take on your health. You have to look after yourself, for you and to be around for your children.

Incidentally, my SIL was not in an abusive relationship, but the marriage broke down and she "stayed for the kids" until the youngest was 16 and he went so badly off the rails he was admitted to rehab at 18. The children always know about unhealthy relationships and often end up repeating the same dynamics when they're older.

Original poster
Bidingmytime44 · 18/12/2020 14:06

@44pinkdragons have you read my updates? He wont take time off work. I would not be able to cover the kids 13 weeks holiday alone.
Plus ive already said, i wouldnt be able to keep my wages.they would go in the family pot

OP posts:
Helocariad · 18/12/2020 14:07

@rosabug

Christ. I've been on the receiving end of a partner waiting until the kids get older. Have some integrity and respect for your partner. Talk now and end it. Or don't. But don't do that to another human - bad model for your kids.
Have you read the OP's posts, @rosabug ? OP is being financially abused. Her partner is the one who has no integrity or respect for her.
Original poster
Bidingmytime44 · 18/12/2020 14:08

@451992serpent i highly doubt it. He doesnt look after himself. He is morbidly obese, unhygeinic , and an extremley grumpy individual. Who would be attracted to that?im not

OP posts:
StormyInTheNorth · 18/12/2020 14:10

In answer to the Q re did I know. No, I didn't or I was too foolish to see. We used to go out friday, saturday nights, to gigs and then we'd tidy/clean on sunday. Work all weekdays. I did do house admin but there didn't seem to be as much.

@NerrSnerr It will take me a long time to save up to get out of here. I am looking for a job, he is just a dick rather than abusive. I'm not willing to stop things that DD enjoys to move away from a person we live with but hardly see. It also keeps us busy and on a seperate path. It's never black and white.

I also don't wish to derail OP's thread. Don't mean to sound cold, despite this sounding like it.

StormyInTheNorth · 18/12/2020 14:14

Forgot to add. I don't want to share custody. She'd hate that. I think it would do her more damage having to send each weekend or EOWeekend with him glued to his phone.

MarisPiper92 · 18/12/2020 14:18

OP, when you say any wages you earn would go into "the family pot", do you have access to this? If not, then it isn't the family pot, it's his pot.

Happymum12345 · 18/12/2020 14:20

I feel exactly the same, op. I know quite a few women in this position. It’s easy to say life is too short etc and just leave but it’s just not that easy.

Yohoheaveho · 18/12/2020 14:22

[quote Bidingmytime44]@451992serpent i highly doubt it. He doesnt look after himself. He is morbidly obese, unhygeinic , and an extremley grumpy individual. Who would be attracted to that?im not[/quote]
Why are you letting this vile man ruin your life?

snowgirl1 · 18/12/2020 14:22

An ex-BF's parents split after waiting until ex-BF and his brother were "old enough". He felt his childhood had been a lie, was very bitter about it and it really affected how he saw his parents and his trust in them. I'm sure ex-BF's DM never wanted them to know, but it came out at some point.

MrsBobDylan · 18/12/2020 14:25

I think you are being really naive assuming he's happy to stay in the marriage because he's 'got it cushy'.

If your unhappy then he is also. His life could improve immeasurably with a partner who wanted to have sex and also kept a tidy house. You would be left to do everything for the kids except for every other weekend when his new partner would help him care for his children.

In your situation I would be out looking for work and preparing for the day he buggers off.

MrsBobDylan · 18/12/2020 14:28

Op, just because you don't find him attractive, doesn't mean someone else won't. He has a good job and money, that is enough for some women.

Amotherlife · 18/12/2020 14:29

Get a job in a school and hope your kids don't need too much time off. I know single mothers who do this. It works ok for them. Or get a zero hours contract where it doesn't matter if you're not available for work on a given day. Or work part time in a role where you can swap days if you need to take time off for your kids. Or register for a job agency and only work when you can. There are loads of ways of being flexible when working. A lot of women I know do not work full time all year round and have kids who need holiday care. Not saying it's easy but you don't seem willing to try.

He CAN'T take YOUR money. You just think he can.

Original poster
Bidingmytime44 · 18/12/2020 14:35

@MrsBobDylan i find your comment insulting. I keep a lovely home, i spend every day cleaning and tidying, and i would have sex. He chose to sleep in a different room. He shows me no affection. Ive tried numerous times to initiate

OP posts:
User415373 · 18/12/2020 14:35

My parents did this and it's really messed up my relationships. They tell me we had a great life, ballet lessons, mum at home, everything we wanted. I could pick up on the silent disdain even if they think smiling hid it.
Now I don't trust anyone and really struggle with relationships because all I can think is my parents faked it, so maybe this person is. Do you want that for your children?
Leave. My mum did and we had nothing, absolutely nothing (he left his job and worked for cash to avoid paying maintenence). But we were loved and so much better off for it.

MizMoonshine · 18/12/2020 14:39

@Bidingmytime44

I feel for you.

It's clear that your husband values his career and cutting back on his hours to have 50/50 childcare probably wouldn't be his move.

He will likely become a EOW dad, just by nature of your current dynamic. The time he does have with the children you can spend on getting back to yourself.

You got so comfortable that you got stuck. You're the crab in the pot. But you're not boiled yet. You're aware and you can make a move.

Get out of this mess and start living.

bloodywhitecat · 18/12/2020 14:40

I stayed for the sake of the kids. Thought it would be easier for them to understand once they were grown up. Biggest. Mistake. Ever.

BaileysforBreakfast · 18/12/2020 14:43

My sister used to say stuff like this - "oh, I'll leave him when the kids are older". Then it was, "I'll leave him when they've got to secondary school/get through GCSEs/have done their A Levels/gone to uni..." She's in her sixties now and still living with the miserable old git because she's 'too old' to change. Some people are just too fearful to step out of their (dis)comfort zones. Don't be that person, OP. Life is short.

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