Anyone else plan to leave husband when kids are older?s

[Bidingmytime44]

Hi looking to see if anyone is in my situation to chat to as feel very alone. Have name changed.

Ive been with my husband my whole adult life. Have two kids under 10. He works in a senior management roll and im a housewife.
Im a housewife mainly because his roll his so important (his words) he could never possibly have time off to look after poorly children or during holidays. And we manage well on the one wage so its just easier all round. Im happy not to work .

Anyway, i cant stand him anymore to be truthful. He is a completely different person now. We started off as equals, from the same local area, same friends, same level of employment etc . Since having the children and him climbing the career ladder he treats me like an unpaid servant! I of course do all the housework, cooking etc but he does absolutely nothing, even when off work. He doesnt even make his own drinks! He makes it very clear he is the boss of our family and my opinions count for nothing.
He is a very good father and the kids idolise him. All that he earns is spent on the house and the family. He treats us very well in that respect.

But the love has gone. We sleep in seperate rooms, havent had sex for 4 years and dont think we will again. Im not physically attracted to him at all.

Before covid we managed well as he was only here evenings and weekends. Since March he has been here 100% of the time. I absolutely hate it and theres no end in site.

Thats the background. Sorry its long. In my heart i want to seperate . Have fantasised about it for years. But i wont for 2 selfish reasons. I dont want to be apart from my children . They are my whole world and i would put up with anything to stay with them (they have a happy home, we dont argue etc, , the feelings are kept inside and we live a lie basically).
Secondly is financial reasons. Selfish reasons. We have a good life. If we seperated , the job i would do would be minimum wage. I would not be able to run the house we are in. I would not be able to give them the life we have now. So i stay. And i dream of the time when they are older and more independent and we can seperate .
Ive been told by other people that teenagers dont deal well with adult seperation. I know when i was a teenager i wished every day for my parents to seperate because they argued alot and my dad was strict. They never did seperate and i see how my mums life has been affected by staying. Hers was also financial reasons.

Anyone else in the same boat as me? Or has seperated when kids are older ? I feel like im wishing the years away to start my life!

OP, this is all very sad and worrying.

If you have no access to family money, this is abuse. If you are not permitted to have a job or make a life for yourself outside the home, this is coercive control.

He is not a nice man, this is not normal and your children will not thank you for ensuring they grow up in such a situation.

I was with a similar man. He made my life miserable. I thought I was useless and unemployable (because he told me!) and so I stayed for a couple of years longer than I should.

I finally left. I got a job. Not a highly paid one, but a one that pays enough to keep things ticking over. And I have opportunities for further training should I wish to do so. I am poorer, certainly. But I am immeasurably happier. My children no longer have foreign holidays, I’m not in a position to buy them all the latest gadgets and I can only afford for them to do one extra-curricular activity per week. But they have a mother who is fulfilled, ‘herself’ again, confident and happy. AND more importantly, they have a home that is an oasis of calm, where there is no resentment, where we are not walking on eggshells. I wouldn’t ever go back to my old life. A gilded cage is still a cage.

OP all your fears can be dealt with and overcome (that list you made earlier).

Others are right you're being financially abused. The thing about child benefit is worrying, if it doesn't come to you then you're not even building up allowances for the state pension. You need to leave sooner than later.

And you're scared of him so probably other abuse just you can't see it. For example, if he was home from work in the evening and you was reading a book and he wanted a cuppa and you insisted he fetch it himself, what would happen? I'm guessing he'd get angry. Also guessing you can't even imagine this scenario because you're so scared of him you'd never ever even ask him to make his own cup of tea never mind insist on it. If I'm right, that isn't normal and it's not ok.

Open a bank account with a bank he doesn't use and have internet statements not paper ones so no post for him to find. Don't tell him about the bank account. Get a job even a few hours cleaning other people's houses per week and put the money in your account. Try an employment agency for temporary work, but watch out for things coming in the post. Don't tell him about the job, if he's at work don't say anything at all, if he's at home say you're going for a long walk. When school holidays come say to your employer you can't do those weeks (so your children don't find out about the job and then they can't tell your husband). The worst that can happen is they fire you and the world doesn't stop if that happens, it means you go back to the start and look for another job that's all. Hide all these bits of wages away for emergency like a rental deposit when you leave or a work clothing or something. In a healthy non-abusive relationship it would be completely normal to tell your partner about a job and what account the wages went into and there would be zero drama about it and you could buy toiletries and clothes with the money no problem.

Go to women's aid for advice and help and emotional support. They can help you so much, even little things like what you're going to tell him about where you are when you're with them. Find the address or phone number for your local branch, the national helpline can be busy. They're non judgemental and won't push you to leave him either, it's all your decision. Good luck OP your story is very sad, you don't deserve to exist like this (I can't say 'live' it's not a life).

OP, you are a grown woman. Your DH doesn't sounds very nice based on your description but I can't see why he is to be blamed for all your life decision unless you tell me you live in the middle of Saudi.
If your children are over 4 you must have some time when they are at school. As you don't have to work now as all the bills are getting paid, maybe try to do an open university course? You have time, it might help you to get a better job in future rather do smth minimum wage.
Also, talk to a solicitor.. In UK they like housewives, in case of divorce you will probably end up with a rather large chunk of family assets.
And in regards to your children.. You won't loose them 50%of time, based on what you are saying your DH won't be able to look after them due to his work anyway.
Also they won't appreciate your 'sacrifice'. I know that because my mum did that for me, I wish they got divorced as I really don't like such burden

to be honest if you left now you would be better off financially than if you wait.
Right now, especially with the agreement that you dont work (and havent) and be a SAHM, you would be entitled to well over 50% of the house, plus a portion of pension, child maintyanance and possibly spousal maintanance as he is not allowing you financial independance.
Do you know how much he earns? If there is evidence of savings? Pensions? You are entitled to a minimum of 50% of all of it. Possibly more of the house if you have the kids as primary carer.
Is the mortgage paid off?
Are the kids in private or state school - if private there is an argument to him being required to keep paying.

if you wait til they leave you wont be entitled to maintanance and only get 50% and you will be in a position where you may have to work and be left with even less experience

I dont think its right that the child benefir goes to him - I thought legally it goes to the caring parent - or does he earn enough to go over the limit and so effectively has not taken it.

do you have a bank account?

I'm the same, OP.

I could get divorced but TBH it's not fair on the kids to have to spend 50% of their time with DH (live abroad, that's how custody works).

At least if we're still married they spend 90% of the time with me.

To the people who say they're staying for various reasons please try and take onboard what the people whose parents did this are saying. It screws you up- and as much as you think you're hiding it from them they will know. As I said upthread, my parents would still tell you that we were happy children who had no idea that they were unhappy and they hid it well. They didn't at all but if they'd come on a thread like this at the time they'd say 'we're staying together but the children have no idea we're unhappy'.

God Damn it OP! Take control of your life!

Your children will be happy if YOU are happy.

You’re not happy and they are seeing that.

So what if you start on a minimum wage job. Beats being in sexless, loveless marriage where your kids are already noticing you don’t share a bed, mums overweight and eating her feelings and dad demands mum does everything.

That’s what your kids are seeing and learning is normal.

Want to guarantee the effect of divorce will be minimal on them? Be a decent parent, don’t fight over the kids or use them as weapons to beat the other parent down. Arrange counselling or family based therapy to get them and you through it. Tell them in age appropriate terms what is happing and why. Tell them it’s about you and not them. Tell them it’s about everyone being happy.

You can’t hide behind your children as a way to not think about this yet, you have to do it for your sake and to be really flipping blunt at a size 24 and eating your feelings because you’re so miserable will just get worse as they get older and they have more independence and you are losing yours because of depression and health issues caused by your weight and comfort eating. You may not be feeling those health issues yet but another 5+ yrs of that extra strain on your heart and joints isn’t going to end well couple that with an increased diabetes risk it’s time to actually act now.

Now, before you get angry I have been where you are and the only one that can change it is you. Your kids will thank you for making those changes for you and them.

OP please take some time to think, and maybe talk to someone in real life, if you can. This is serious financial abuse, it is awful that a person who is supposed to love and respect you is treating you this way - you deserve better.

I am a child of a marriage that should have ended many years before it did, and I still carry the scars. Please think about the practical steps you can take, even if it is playing a long game somehow.

If you can access your own ID documents, you can open a bank account all of your own, he cannot prevent this. Somewhere like Monzo or Starling - you do it all through an app on your phone, you just need your passport or driving license to hand. You download the app, take a picture of your ID and then to prove it is you, you record a video of yourself which the software matches up to the ID. You don't even need to leave the house and your card will come in the post a couple of days later.

Next step, part-time work. Some firms will discuss term-time contracts - the obvious place to start would be schools, supermarkets etc. There is other stuff you can do from home - you write English well, so you could look into self-employed transcribing work with firms like Rev (for example). That is completely flexible, and can be done from home in your spare time with no minimum hours to commit, all you need is access to a computer and headphones. Or you could do paid surveys through companies like Prolific, it wouldn't be much but it would be a start.

I was desperate to leave. My ex sounds very similar. I finally got the courage to leave and my mum talked me into staying so the kids could go to Disney World on a holiday that had been booked for a while. I felt selfish so I agreed. I was desperately unhappy and ended up having a sort of breakdown. I eventually left when the kids were 4 and 6. I will never forget the relief. They are now 11 and 14 and barely remember us being together. Please let yourself be happy.

Look, I know this is hard (I was in an abusive relationship too, a long time ago, but thankfully, maintained my financial independence) but try and think logically. If you 'defied' him by getting a student loan and using it to train for something, what would he do?
Withdraw love and sex - he does that already
Withhold money - he does that already
Refuse to do his share of the housework and childcare? - he does that already.

Can you try and take a 30 minute walk each day, as a start? Clear your head, get your endorphins up, begin a healthier life, step away from the comfort eating.

If that walk can take you to a library, then you can log on to a computer while you are there and find out about student loans and courses.

Others have mentioned Women's Aid and solicitors who will provide an initial free consultation.

Make a plan. Set some goals, however small. It might take 3 years, or 5 to get out, but you can do it.

I think a lot of parents think it is better for the children for them to stay together until the children are older but I think in practice children have much less issues the earlier the parents divorce. I know several people on both sides and the children whose parents divorced when they were younger are much happier and more accepting of the situation. Those whose parents divorced in their teens and older have had a much harder time and in many cases it has totally destroyed their relationship with their parents. Some in their late twenties and thirties no longer even speak to one or both parents.

What's happening with your national insurance/pension contributions? I'd use these next years if you're insisting on staying (I still think you and the children would be better leaving, I doubt very much he'd want more than EOW and maybe a weeknight tea if he's so obsessed with his career) on getting ducks in a row, copies of his pension, savings, etc. When you get access to money for shopping maybe withdraw an extra £50 here and there. But as a career man he should know about the importance of pensions, tell him you need to fill your NI gaps

What would happen OP if you earned wages that didn't "go into the family pot" (usually that pays for everyone's clothes, toiletries etc so I'm not even sure you have such a thing)?

He earns over the threshold now so child benefit has stopped. Prior to this it went to him so all money was in one pot. He pays all the bills etc and i use his card to buy the food shopping.
Im relying on inheritance to survive off when im older. And theres money put away for the children to go towards university or house deposit etc. Even if i only get half of everything it will be enough

Time to take control.

Start off by volunteering.

At DCs school parent volunteer often end up being TAs. Not a great wage but it's a start.

Get some money stashed. Sell on eBay, matched betting, etc.

Do you purchase for the family? If so there's Quidco etc.

Keep a diary. Log everything. When he refuses you anything basic, says no when you ask for joint account details.

Do some digging. How much his pensions worth. You'll also be short on NI contributions so ask him for that.

You only need an account and sort code for your joint bank account. Set it up on PayPal and get spending.

It sounds awful, and your children will be well aware that you have a shit relationship. And even if you're ok with that, they will be basing their whole future model of relationships on yours and your Hs'.

Plus it won't be any easier when they're teens - my teens took my divorce harder than the younger children.

Plus it's your life you're talking about! You're completely miserable. It's never going to be easy financially or practically. A divorced life isn't automatically worse for the children - that's such a misconception.

When you food shop, get cash back for yourself. Get vouchers for gifts but keep them for yourself.

This is a miserable existence .....your children will know it's not right. A happy childhood cannot be created by 2 deeply unhappy parents

@Bidingmytime44

He earns over the threshold now so child benefit has stopped. Prior to this it went to him so all money was in one pot. He pays all the bills etc and i use his card to buy the food shopping. Im relying on inheritance to survive off when im older. And theres money put away for the children to go towards university or house deposit etc. Even if i only get half of everything it will be enough

OP you need to be claiming Child Benefit in your name, even if you dont receive it due to DH high earnings. It will help your pension by giving you NI credits. I'm in the same boat, I technically claim it since I became a sahm but dh earns too much so we don't receive any money. You still need to do it for your own sake. It's easy to set up.

www.gov.uk/child-benefit/what-youll-get

If your child is under 12 and you’re not working or do not earn enough to pay National Insurance contributions, Child Benefit can give you National Insurance credits.
These credits count towards your State Pension, so you do not have gaps in your National Insurance record.

I'm sorry things have ended up this way OP but don't just wait. He can't possibly be happy in this marriage either. What would you need to have in place if he said to you tomorrow, "look this is making us both miserable I want a divorce?" I have a feeling he'll be leaving anyway soon as four years of misery is long enough for both of you and he may be looking elsewhere. Start acting on that basis and getting prepared for your future as a single mum.

Sorry OP , you're feeling unhappy and there are certainly issues in the relationship. Have you raised all of this directly with him, telling him what needs to change, and have you tried couple's counselling?

One thing that struck me is you saying he doesn't even make his own drinks. Well, who does then? I assume it's you because your kids are young so why on earth are you making drinks for a grown adult man. He can't be forcing you to make drinks for him so I wonder if you've taken on a bit of an unnecessary martyr role while being a stay at home parent, doing more than you actually need to do, all the while simmering with anger that you're doing everything!

I don't know why you find me saying that your husband could well leave you for someone else who he wants to have sex with who also keeps a tidy house?

I was trying to help you see that if he leaves you and is as financially abusive as you say, you will need to be able to support yourself.

However, I don't think you want to change your situation, you were looking for people in the same situation, so I apologise for offering advice.

As others have mentioned though, it doesn't always work out brilliantly for children or adults if you leave or stay. A friend has a daughter with crippling anxiety and is now a school refuser which started as her parents divorced. Another grown up friend has never had a relationship having seen her parents tearing each other apart in a divorce when she was a child. Someone else had to give up a competatative sport as they couldn't do it and spend time at their Dad's as he moved away. Breaking out and breaking free isn't always the right answer for parents or children. You've got to weigh up the pros and cons.

Please do him and you a favour and just separate now

you really need those child benefit payments because of the NI contributions, especially if you dont earn, otherwise you will not be eligible for a pension.
so you need to open a bank account and get them paid to you - he can sort the tax back issue.
And yes, matched betting. I cleared a huge amount in just over a year. And ebaying old toys and clothes for the kids. anything you can do in your own time at home in the day (OK not immediately if he is there)