Anyone else plan to leave husband when kids are older?s

[Bidingmytime44]

Hi looking to see if anyone is in my situation to chat to as feel very alone. Have name changed.

Ive been with my husband my whole adult life. Have two kids under 10. He works in a senior management roll and im a housewife.
Im a housewife mainly because his roll his so important (his words) he could never possibly have time off to look after poorly children or during holidays. And we manage well on the one wage so its just easier all round. Im happy not to work .

Anyway, i cant stand him anymore to be truthful. He is a completely different person now. We started off as equals, from the same local area, same friends, same level of employment etc . Since having the children and him climbing the career ladder he treats me like an unpaid servant! I of course do all the housework, cooking etc but he does absolutely nothing, even when off work. He doesnt even make his own drinks! He makes it very clear he is the boss of our family and my opinions count for nothing.
He is a very good father and the kids idolise him. All that he earns is spent on the house and the family. He treats us very well in that respect.

But the love has gone. We sleep in seperate rooms, havent had sex for 4 years and dont think we will again. Im not physically attracted to him at all.

Before covid we managed well as he was only here evenings and weekends. Since March he has been here 100% of the time. I absolutely hate it and theres no end in site.

Thats the background. Sorry its long. In my heart i want to seperate . Have fantasised about it for years. But i wont for 2 selfish reasons. I dont want to be apart from my children . They are my whole world and i would put up with anything to stay with them (they have a happy home, we dont argue etc, , the feelings are kept inside and we live a lie basically).
Secondly is financial reasons. Selfish reasons. We have a good life. If we seperated , the job i would do would be minimum wage. I would not be able to run the house we are in. I would not be able to give them the life we have now. So i stay. And i dream of the time when they are older and more independent and we can seperate .
Ive been told by other people that teenagers dont deal well with adult seperation. I know when i was a teenager i wished every day for my parents to seperate because they argued alot and my dad was strict. They never did seperate and i see how my mums life has been affected by staying. Hers was also financial reasons.

Anyone else in the same boat as me? Or has seperated when kids are older ? I feel like im wishing the years away to start my life!

@again2020

Hi Op. I've posted on MN relationship before about my poor relationship/emotional abuse and staying around until my DD is older (she's only just turned 3). The responses were an almost unanimous LTB. But you know what...I can't. For so many reasons. I wish I could. I do work, but it's a pittance really and I couldn't make ends meet. I know my partner would demand to stay in the house and he earns a lot of money and tells me he'd take DD off me due to my poor mental when she was tiny. I am afraid of him and my MIL making my life a misery if we split (they are toxic characters) having no friends or money, DD preferring him (she already seems to any way) and my parents not speaking to me (they are afraid of loosing money in the house). So I stay. Some days it's bearable, some ok, some it's so shite and awful I fantasise about my partner having an affair or walking out or even dying and leaving us in peace. I wish I was joking. I hope it won't always be this way. I have no real solutions. The only thing I do is enjoy my life outside the house and the relationship, try and do my job well, keep my hobby (running) and few friendships going.

I think unless people have been in these toxic situations they can't understand the feeling of being trapped and how hard it must be.

I try hard not to become too bitter but my heart breaks when I think of the young woman 10 years ago who lived alone and loved her life,e earnt good money and did whatever she wanted.

I think the best thing for you would you be try and get some sort of job to have some money for yourself, try and get outside and be active and keep some sense of yourself. Your partner can't break your spirit, no matter what.

If you ever want to inbox me feel free. I hope one day, you, I and no doubt the thousands of other women find strength to break free.

I wish you the best

Hi @again2020 , I couldn't scroll past without saying something. I had to name change because I've become a bit more candid recently on here and don't want this to identify me to anyone who might recognise me under my usual name. I was I very similar circumstances to you. My children were young when I left my ex husband.

I worked part time, I didn't earn a lot. We had only joint bank accounts, he took control of the money and that's what I accepted.
He worked in an industry where although he was full time, he had much more time at home than me.he spent most of the time I was at work with his mother.
He was a sex addict, I now realise, and an expert in coercive control. His choice was the unbearable silent treatment unless I agreed to sex constantly. Bearing in mind he , I'm sorry to be disgusting, was regularly unable to perform. I now know because of his pornography habit.
He began to set up scenarios, from his porn and that's why I came home to often, expected to just take it. I did though.

I know these details are different to your life but one day whilst he was ignoring me I suddenly had a moment of clarity and realised I needed a life.

Classic time, just before Christmas . It was very difficult. I felt massive guilt, I couldn't tell anyone any of these details but in the January I left.

I've never looked back. He's a "great guy". Nobody could understand it. I lost friends but I've gained so much more.

Anyway, I know you have your reasons, but I just wanted to reach out and say there could be a way out for you and a life. It's amazing to be happy, to be with someone because you want to.

@again2020 , also he kept the house, I left with my clothes, books and the kids.

I rented a place. Closing my front door on the day I moved in and knowing my life was mine again was the best feeling I've ever had.

Whatever you decide, even if it's to stay, please start your exit plan.

Don't do what I did and have no plan, that made it even harder.

I hope for you x

You really need to get out, he's financially abusing you. Would you want your child to live like this ?

You might be surprised at what benefits you could claim - he would also have to pay CM. you could start the separation living in the same house.

OP
I was in a similar position. My ex was very successful and I ended up giving up my decent although not amazing job to look after the children as he was never there and juggling childcare became just too stressful.

My ex wasn’t rude or demanding in the way yours seems to be but he was unfaithful more than once and I had lost all respect for him, stopped sleeping with him and dreamed of leaving. I did what you are doing and put it off until the kids were older - in the mean time I retrained and became qualified in my ideal job. I learnt to focus on my own life / friends / hobbies and plan for the future.

I will never know if that was the right decision. It came at huge emotional, psychological cost and I am so sad about those lost years and that the children never experienced a truly loving marriage as the backdrop to their childhood.

However, my children had a stable upbringing in a home where their mum and dad loved them (if not each other). It was low in conflict but very far from my ideal.The kids were mid to late teens when we divorced. They were upset but both ex and I are (nearly) always civil to each other. They have coped well and are happy / well-adapted adults.

I will never know if it would have been better to split earlier. For me - yes absolutely, for the kids, probably not. I am now with a wonderful man and I sometimes daydream about what it would have been like if I’d left ex many years ago and met him. But what if I’d met another useless partner and there had been more years stress / unhappiness - or if ex had remarried and had new babies and focused on his new partner/life to the detriment of our kids?

There is no ‘right’ answer. Many, many men and women stay in marriages for their kids because they cannot bear to be separated from them and think it is for the best. However if you want to do that make sure you acknowledge that you will be sacrificing your own happiness and make peace with that.

If you don’t want to leave - please form an escape plan - you can study part time if your kids are school age - do some research and start looking to the future. Give yourself a deadline - mine was a significant birthday.

The one thing you must not do is just bury your head in the sand - if you stay in this marriage with no hope of escape and no acknowledgement of the emotional cost to you, its a road to hopelessness and despair.

Sorry - that was long! Good luck

@52Love51 he doesnt want me to and wont pay for me to do so. I have no money of my own.
He wants me to clean the house all day and be present in the home.

Do you not see that this is abusive?
It’s as bad as if he is hitting you.
It’s a poor role model for your children.