Anyone else plan to leave husband when kids are older?s

[Bidingmytime44]

Hi looking to see if anyone is in my situation to chat to as feel very alone. Have name changed.

Ive been with my husband my whole adult life. Have two kids under 10. He works in a senior management roll and im a housewife.
Im a housewife mainly because his roll his so important (his words) he could never possibly have time off to look after poorly children or during holidays. And we manage well on the one wage so its just easier all round. Im happy not to work .

Anyway, i cant stand him anymore to be truthful. He is a completely different person now. We started off as equals, from the same local area, same friends, same level of employment etc . Since having the children and him climbing the career ladder he treats me like an unpaid servant! I of course do all the housework, cooking etc but he does absolutely nothing, even when off work. He doesnt even make his own drinks! He makes it very clear he is the boss of our family and my opinions count for nothing.
He is a very good father and the kids idolise him. All that he earns is spent on the house and the family. He treats us very well in that respect.

But the love has gone. We sleep in seperate rooms, havent had sex for 4 years and dont think we will again. Im not physically attracted to him at all.

Before covid we managed well as he was only here evenings and weekends. Since March he has been here 100% of the time. I absolutely hate it and theres no end in site.

Thats the background. Sorry its long. In my heart i want to seperate . Have fantasised about it for years. But i wont for 2 selfish reasons. I dont want to be apart from my children . They are my whole world and i would put up with anything to stay with them (they have a happy home, we dont argue etc, , the feelings are kept inside and we live a lie basically).
Secondly is financial reasons. Selfish reasons. We have a good life. If we seperated , the job i would do would be minimum wage. I would not be able to run the house we are in. I would not be able to give them the life we have now. So i stay. And i dream of the time when they are older and more independent and we can seperate .
Ive been told by other people that teenagers dont deal well with adult seperation. I know when i was a teenager i wished every day for my parents to seperate because they argued alot and my dad was strict. They never did seperate and i see how my mums life has been affected by staying. Hers was also financial reasons.

Anyone else in the same boat as me? Or has seperated when kids are older ? I feel like im wishing the years away to start my life!

I simply cannot believe that children can have a genuinely happy childhood when raised in a family where there is no love (and by the sounds of it, open disrespect) between the two adults in the household.

The respect, support and love DH show for each other is the foundation on which our whole family life is built.

Ok
So when he’s off work ,weekends and holidays ,he does half of everThing
Stop doing for him ,make him pull his weight

I agree with the people saying start carving a life for yourself now OP. That doesn’t have to mean working in paid employment. There are things you can do and still be available for your family.

Before covid we managed well as he was only here evenings and weekends. Since March he has been here 100% of the time. I absolutely hate it and theres no end in site
So many of us can relate to this. Especially given nothing is open so there is no escape.

My coping strategies are to have hobbies of my own. Dedicate time to myself and keep active. As horrible as it sounds I share the bear minimum of information with my DH because that’s the only way I manage to maintain any sort of privacy or independence. I’ve found new places to walk. I’ve sorted my wardrobe and thinned out my things. I’ve focused on a new hobby and met some new people that way. I wouldn’t say they are friends but it’s a connection away from my four walls.

I don’t think you ABU staying in your situation regardless of your reasons but I do feel there are steps you can take now to improve your quality of life.

@04AttilaTheMeerkat your comment has really made me think , and your right. I do feel angry at my mum ,even now!

@12MizMoonshine i think your right actually. Im making excuses.

The main reason is because im scared, terrified of the unknown. I went from living with my parents to living with my husband. I have never been alone or lived an independant life.
Im scared that he will use the kids against me. Im scared that he would make my life very difficult because he would be angry and bitter because he doesnt want to split. Im scared of not being with my children 50% of the time as i have nothing in my life apart from them.
Im scared that i will be completely alone. The friends i had have only just started having families so they arent available to me. My other friends are happily married. With covid in top preventing the opportunity to go out and meet new people, do new things.
Also i dont want to have a new partner.im scared to be tied to someone again. I dont want to live with another man. I want to have my own life and live it how i want.

I was a size 8 when we met. Im now a size 24 unhealthy mess because i comfort eat

I was in your position. Felt I could not leave as my DD wasn't ready and still needed support. Actually turned down an opportunity to do so. I was SAHM , supporting his career.
I did find out he was cheating and thought Great , get rid of him. But the reality has proved differently. Financially we would both be screwed , he and DD now have no jobs due to Covid , I am now too old to retrain.

And I am miserable. Please consider doing this for your own sake. I bitterly regret not doing it when I had the chance. And I plan to do it as soon as I can.

You dont have a good life OP , that's a rubbish life
Give yourself what you deserve...
Start looking at jobs/ training courses etc

I'm possibly you a few years ago. I'm not sure if our financial situations are the same though which will make a difference. Anyway, thankfully mine had an affair, so I had a reason to divorce. Anyway, I've kept our house, he has to pay me a huge amount of spousal maintenance, he only has the kids two nights a week which I enjoy the nights off, my kids are perfectly happy, and I am massively happier on my own. There's a difference I can't articulate, like a weight off my shoulders. See a solicitor, many offer a free half hour, you never know what you might get.

Yes. I am waiting until DD is 12 then we will be out of here.
He is moody, is 'ill' every weekend, has a 'big job', refuses to do anything around the house despite pressurising me to get a pt job. He does no house or car admin to the point he was pulled by the police in a random check and had to tell them he didn't know his insurer because his wife sorts it.

He is 'incapable' of childrearing. At weekeds inbetween bouts of illness he comes breezing down saying he will 'take her for 2 hours'. When that allotted 2 hours is up he will bring DD to me and run back upstairs. She's not a parcel and I hardly ever take him up on his offer. He even took DD out once and put a nappy on her. She'd been trained 9 months, but was still mostly non verbal. Ugh.

He won't wash unless he is going to work. I can't stand being near him. And the mess. Oh the mess.

So yes, him WFH since March has cemented by decision. I stay because of money for activities. We hardly see him so no atmosphere to speak of. I keep DD away from him and busy as much as I can.

I didn't realise how much of a lazy, greedy, dirty manchild he was until I was 2 weeks postpartum with the baby he pushed for. I'd managed to walk to the supermarket in the freezing cold and couldn't think what to buy and cook so I bought a pizza and salad. He pulled his face in front of my parents who had come to visit and said the pizza was too bready so he threw the lot in the bin and ordered a takeaway just for himself. I realised right then that my life was going to be extremely hard for the next few years.

@Bidingmytime44. I am scared too , been married for 30 years. But I am also scared that I have more years of being so miserable. You are still young enough to be your own person.

And I too have the comfort eating issue. Wish misery made me the opposite. So now I also feel fat , ugly and unhealthy .

But we can lose weight and we need to loose our husbands too.

My parents divorced when I was 6, my DH's when he was 19, my best friend has waited and her child is 19.
The older the child the harder it is on them, they from my understanding then feel stuck in the middle, angry that their parents were not honest and in some cases believe their childhood to be a lie.
Younger the better is my opinion if that can be done.

@MizMoonshine

OP you say he won't leave because he's got it cushy, you're exactly the same. You're both holding up your end of the deal in terms of running a family. But neither of you are investing in your relationship.

You should talk to him. You should tell him how you are feeling.

And you should leave.

20 years on a relationship, married with kids, you would come off well in the divorce with ongoing maintenance and part of his pension. You won't be skint.

You're holding both of you back from happiness.

This I'm sure he would tell us a different story - not saying you're lying but it's never all one sided. Stop being a martyr and take control. You have the time - so do it - get out and be happy for you and your children.

It’s difficult to see a different view when we are so hemmed in.

What would happen if he found someone else and divorced you? You would not be prepared!

If the dc are at school, then you do have some free time to invest in yourself. It doesn’t have to be anything mega challenging, (doctors and lawyers) but you can look at jobs that pay above the minimum wage and look into what you need to learn/train to do those jobs.

If your husband is withholding money, get a few hours at a Tesco or something and save it up for some training. Just tell him you need to get out of the house and don’t tell him anything else.

Start preparing yourself so that mentally and financially you are in a stronger position than you are now. At the moment he is holding all the cards and you need to get a few of your own, but hold them close to your chest!
Good luck x

I have no money of my own.

It's one thing staying in a relationship 'for the children' where you're making a practical decision.

It's different if you're being financially abused.

OP, I think you either need to try to resolve your relationship issues through counselling or make a plan to leave.

You sound so unhappy.

I am in the opposite situation. I got divorced and part of me is wishing that i had just put up with the disgusting man, just so i wouldnt have to be separated from my children, which breaks my heart everytime they go, several years on. I realise now that in divorce he has his ideal situation and I and the children have not.

@Bidingmytime44

Weve been together for 20 years! I honeslty dont care if he has an affair. I wish that he would just decide to leave because that would take the decision out of my hands. But he wont do that because hes got it cushy! He loves his job, he doesnt have to worry about childcare etc, he doesnt have to deal with the drudgery of daily life. He just gets all the good bits and is quite happy! I am completely trapped financially.

Can't you use this time to train for a career???

@Saranvenya

My parents divorced when I was 6, my DH's when he was 19, my best friend has waited and her child is 19. The older the child the harder it is on them, they from my understanding then feel stuck in the middle, angry that their parents were not honest and in some cases believe their childhood to be a lie. Younger the better is my opinion if that can be done.

I think this is underestimated too.

The older you are when you realise your 'happy family' was actually not happy at all, the worse it is. My FIL left my MIL only when all the DC had left the nest - he'd been 'staying for the children', and in the meantime having affairs MIL turned a blind eye to because it suited her to - until he suddenly left her in her late 50s. My DH's relationship with his father never ever recovered. He really did (and does) think it was 'all a lie'. MIL has also never really recovered from it.

Making your kids be your whole life is a huge, unfair burden to place on them. Don’t do that.

I think lots of people do this, and I also think it can be the best option for everyone. However, don't waste the years. Once your children are all at school, use the time to prepare yourself to be independent. Think what you want to study, volunteer to get work experience. This will also get you out meeting people and feeling better about yourself.

You will be in a better position to decide whether you really want to stick it out, when you have other options.

You are definitely being financially and emotionally abused in your relationship. There are steps you can take to have more control of your life.
There have been some good suggestions on this thread. Your self esteem will improve if you take some time and effort to look after yourself. Start with taking time to be outside the house for a bit of exercise. Look for free courses online.
There are other women who have managed to leave an abusive relationship - yours may seem ok superficially - but it’s definitely not a good one. Your children will cope in the long run. Don’t be like your mother.
Good luck.

Of course he wouldn’t want the kids 50%, he will threaten it to try to get you to shut up, but he lives in the same house as them and couldn’t give less of a fuck. You are already by yourself. The male you picked contributes cash, and a damaging atmosphere and behaviour to his kids. Nothing else.

OP would you want your daughter to have your life? Would you want her to model her adulthood on your example? If not, you should change it. You may be a lot better off financially that you would expect because you sacrificed your career for the sake of your husband’s career. It would be worth obtaining some legal advice on your financial prospects post-divorce.

Do you have daughters OP? Your mum taught you to stay in a shitty marriage for financial reasons and now you are doing the same to your own children. Don't teach them this, or in 30 years time, there is every chance that they too will be living in a controlled, sad, resentful marriage, feeling trapped and unable to leave.

Frankly, it sounds like your not so DH is a bit too busy and important (this is absolutely NOT what I think of him. Just what he seems to think) to actually want to parent his children 50% of the time.

I considered doing what you're doing. I tried. Then I had an affair and a very messy breakup. Now time has settled the dust, I regret the way my marriage ended, but never its end; it was messy and unnecessarily hurtful to all involved, but my life is far, far happier now.

If you are adamant that you don't want to separate yet OP, why not make a plan so that, when you do, you can be as self reliant as you are able to.

What kind of career would you like to have? Do you have any qualifications or hobbies that you can make money from? Sounds like your kids are school age so you have some time in the day to dedicate to yourself and your next chapter.

We have a good life. If we seperated , the job i would do would be minimum wage. I would not be able to run the house we are in. I would not be able to give them the life we have now..

So then you're trapped forever because what do you think you would be able to afford in 10 years time if you leave? Financially you'd be better off splitting while he has a financial obligation to your children, then you can find part time work that could progress to full time when they're older and potentially to promotions or better paid roles. You can't stand this man, but you're happy to leech off him so your lifestyle isn't disrupted?

My parents waited until we were older until they separated. If you ask them about it they will both tell you us children had a wonderful childhood and we were blissfully unaware of their marital problems.

It was awful and I was desperately unhappy but I put on a brave face as I didn't want to make them even more miserable. I really wish they did it when we were young.