Anyone else plan to leave husband when kids are older?s

[Bidingmytime44]

Hi looking to see if anyone is in my situation to chat to as feel very alone. Have name changed.

Ive been with my husband my whole adult life. Have two kids under 10. He works in a senior management roll and im a housewife.
Im a housewife mainly because his roll his so important (his words) he could never possibly have time off to look after poorly children or during holidays. And we manage well on the one wage so its just easier all round. Im happy not to work .

Anyway, i cant stand him anymore to be truthful. He is a completely different person now. We started off as equals, from the same local area, same friends, same level of employment etc . Since having the children and him climbing the career ladder he treats me like an unpaid servant! I of course do all the housework, cooking etc but he does absolutely nothing, even when off work. He doesnt even make his own drinks! He makes it very clear he is the boss of our family and my opinions count for nothing.
He is a very good father and the kids idolise him. All that he earns is spent on the house and the family. He treats us very well in that respect.

But the love has gone. We sleep in seperate rooms, havent had sex for 4 years and dont think we will again. Im not physically attracted to him at all.

Before covid we managed well as he was only here evenings and weekends. Since March he has been here 100% of the time. I absolutely hate it and theres no end in site.

Thats the background. Sorry its long. In my heart i want to seperate . Have fantasised about it for years. But i wont for 2 selfish reasons. I dont want to be apart from my children . They are my whole world and i would put up with anything to stay with them (they have a happy home, we dont argue etc, , the feelings are kept inside and we live a lie basically).
Secondly is financial reasons. Selfish reasons. We have a good life. If we seperated , the job i would do would be minimum wage. I would not be able to run the house we are in. I would not be able to give them the life we have now. So i stay. And i dream of the time when they are older and more independent and we can seperate .
Ive been told by other people that teenagers dont deal well with adult seperation. I know when i was a teenager i wished every day for my parents to seperate because they argued alot and my dad was strict. They never did seperate and i see how my mums life has been affected by staying. Hers was also financial reasons.

Anyone else in the same boat as me? Or has seperated when kids are older ? I feel like im wishing the years away to start my life!

@evenBetter

Making your kids be your whole life is a huge, unfair burden to place on them. Don’t do that.

This is worth reflecting on.

So what if a child can't do ballet any more. Will they remember if they did ballet when they were 9? No.
Will they remember the unloving relationship of their parents? Yes.
Will they be happy that one parent sacrificed ten years of their lives for them? No.

@StormyInTheNorth

Yes. I am waiting until DD is 12 then we will be out of here. He is moody, is 'ill' every weekend, has a 'big job', refuses to do anything around the house despite pressurising me to get a pt job. He does no house or car admin to the point he was pulled by the police in a random check and had to tell them he didn't know his insurer because his wife sorts it.

He is 'incapable' of childrearing. At weekeds inbetween bouts of illness he comes breezing down saying he will 'take her for 2 hours'. When that allotted 2 hours is up he will bring DD to me and run back upstairs. She's not a parcel and I hardly ever take him up on his offer. He even took DD out once and put a nappy on her. She'd been trained 9 months, but was still mostly non verbal. Ugh.

He won't wash unless he is going to work. I can't stand being near him. And the mess. Oh the mess.

So yes, him WFH since March has cemented by decision. I stay because of money for activities. We hardly see him so no atmosphere to speak of. I keep DD away from him and busy as much as I can.

I didn't realise how much of a lazy, greedy, dirty manchild he was until I was 2 weeks postpartum with the baby he pushed for. I'd managed to walk to the supermarket in the freezing cold and couldn't think what to buy and cook so I bought a pizza and salad. He pulled his face in front of my parents who had come to visit and said the pizza was too bready so he threw the lot in the bin and ordered a takeaway just for himself. I realised right then that my life was going to be extremely hard for the next few years.

Were there no signs of this before you got pregnant? Why be with him in the first place? Why saddle the child with a father you know is shit?

@StormyInTheNorth please don't put your daughter through that for the rest of her childhood. Are you going to tell her that she had to put up with living full time with such an awful man because you wanted to pay for activities?

Aww it's so hard but you deserve to be happy. Life is not guaranteed, you need to make a plan and start over. It won't be easy but you'll be much happier xx

Everyone saying ‘oh life is too short, leave and find happiness’
Have you actually been in this situation?

You don’t automatically walk out into sunshine and happiness.
You may quite often walk and be a lot more miserable than you were before.

It happened to me and happened to more than half of my friends who have left bad-but-not-horrendous marriages.

You then have to live with the guilt and regret, on top of the shitty new life you’ve created for yourself with no money, no support, a small house and half your former family not speaking to you.

Can we all stop painting this myth that the grass is always greener, regardless
It’s cruel when it doesn’t come true

I totally get it OP. I have a 4 and 7 year old and want to split with DH. We have just fallen out of love and I realise I am angry and tired and sad because he annoys me. We try to stay out of each others way.

I was a SAHM for 6 years and went back to work a year ago..I am lucky I went back to senior management and earn good money.

BUT when I look at what house I could afford it's like going back 20 years to some tiny place. Holidays will be non existent. The thought of a mortgage that's just my responsibility is scary.

The thing that scares me most though is not seeing my kids everyday. DH never even wanted kids and now he wants to share them. I dont want them shuffled about during the week so want to suggest they stay with me and he has them every other weekend. I dont know if he will agree. But even the thought of every other weekend without them kills me. But then I know I couldnt manage them 100% of the time with my job. They are my kids I went through ivf for and I just cant imagine not seeing them even for a day.

But me and DH have had the conversation we care for each other but that's it so it seems theres no way back. He suffers from depression and finds all the noise and stuff difficult but still wants the kids with him. I wish he would just leave. So I dont think we can stay together until kids are older.

I'm also not interested in another man. I cant think of anything worse. I'm just tired and sad and lonely. I'd like to sit and watch a movie with someone now I cant go out with friends but I do that with the kids.

It's hard. I totally understand.

I often dream of winning lotto then I could buy myself a house and leave him to it but even then its not seeing my kids every day that would kill me.

Stay or go you need a financial plan. Whilst you are married and would get a good slice of things, if he left tomorrow and was a pain about giving you money, you have no job and presumably little pension. At least start training. I am in your situation but unmarried and he is leaving. He has a huge wage and pension. I have neither.

It's convenient to think that future you will cheerfully leave when your eldest is 16. But it's unrealistic. I'll just wait until they have passed their exams. I'll just wait until they have settled in to uni. Etc. There is no point in the future where this will not be difficult, you are just putting it on your future self to deal with, with the same optimism as the person who says that they will start their diet next Monday.

The other problem with your plan 10 years + down the line is that shit happens (2020 should at least teach us that). One of you could have an illness or injury that requires the other to care for them. Or you could be caring for parents by then. Or he could lose that comfortable job and you end up having to work a min wage job anyway. I know a woman who choose to stay because it was never the right time and she ended up caring for him through dementia until he died. She felt so trapped. She felt she couldn't leave him at that point, how could she tell her adult children that actually she didn't want to care for their dad? She eventually got her freedom of course but as a much older woman.

There's also a huge difference between a relationship where you are more like good friends than sexual partners and want to coparent happily, and a 'relationship' where you are an unpaid servant and unable to decide you want to do a distance learning course because you have no independent income and he wouldn't like to spend the family income on it.

Please look up financial abuse and coercive control. 😞 You don't want your kids to have relationships like this.

With regards to the money side i dont think some people on here understand. I have absolutely nothing and he gives me nothing. My clothes and toiletries come from my parents each xmas. I shop in charity shops. The child benefit goes to him. If i worked now all my wages would have to go into the family pot so i wouldnt keep a penny of it to save up to leave with. I stay financially for the kids , they want for nothing, spoilt if anything.

Hi Bidingmytime44

Re your comment to me:-
"AttilaTheMeerkat your comment has really made me think , and your right. I do feel angry at my mum ,even now!"

Yes and your child will feel the self same if he/she worked out you stayed as long as you did for lifestyle and financial reasons. I would also think on a wider level that your relationship with your mother has never really recovered or been the same since.

See a solicitor, get your financial affairs sorted and do it now.

Life is too short!

Just go now. I was the same except my husband was an abusive cheat. I was diagnosed with a life changing chronic illness and it made me realise I had to be happy too. It wasn’t all about my children. Don’t waste the best years of your life. Your children will resent you.

My brother went mad at my Mum, when she left our stepdad 20 years ago - he was 30, i was 25. It was all very strange. Children adapt and 50/50 care if you trust your husband, gives you more time to explore your own life.

We all as mothers sacrifice life to some extent, but I personally could not be happy waiting to go.

All the best to you.

You need to see a solicitor. Children are not stupid, they will be able to see you have no money for yourself as they get older. They'll know it's not right.

@Bidingmytime44
Then you're being financially abused too.
Many solicitors offfer a half hour free.
CAB are free.
As you are married your assets are in one pot and will be split accordingly. 50/50 is the start, but you will get more because you don't have his earning potential.
He legally has to disclose all his assets.

@Bidingmytime44

With regards to the money side i dont think some people on here understand. I have absolutely nothing and he gives me nothing. My clothes and toiletries come from my parents each xmas. I shop in charity shops. The child benefit goes to him. If i worked now all my wages would have to go into the family pot so i wouldnt keep a penny of it to save up to leave with. I stay financially for the kids , they want for nothing, spoilt if anything.

You'll be surprised how much you get when you seperate, plus what is owed to you as a spouse.

He is your husband - half the house for starters.

Please seek some legal advice, he is a bully xxx

You are being financially abused here by this man no question about it and for that reason your relationship is over. Staying for the kids is a non starter here nor really even an option now.

Your DC may be spoilt by their dad but he is really sending them mixed messages here and those messages are about power and control which lie at the heart of abuse. They receive bags of stuff whilst you as their mother are reliant on your parents to give you clothing and personal care items!. They notice that all too clearly.

Putting aside these times of Covid here when was the last time you went to the hairdressers, visited the opticians or dentist to get your eyesight or teeth checked or bought an item of clothing in a store?. I would also think your H has done all this and more and far more regularly whilst you are scrabbling around for money and I would also think he does not buy his clothing from a charity shop. How is it too that the child benefit is in his name and goes to him?. Its all part of his ongoing war campaign against you. He wants to destroy you ultimately and take you and in turn his kids down with him. They cannot afford to grow up seeing all this and for them to potentially become attracted to and be more attractive to controlling men.

@Bidingmytime44

With regards to the money side i dont think some people on here understand. I have absolutely nothing and he gives me nothing. My clothes and toiletries come from my parents each xmas. I shop in charity shops. The child benefit goes to him. If i worked now all my wages would have to go into the family pot so i wouldnt keep a penny of it to save up to leave with. I stay financially for the kids , they want for nothing, spoilt if anything.

I would say they want for a mother who demands to be treated like an equal partner.

Lack of material goods is not a reason to stay in this toxic environment. Is it really that you just don't want to work? Why can't you take the kids, go to your parents and get a job or get into training?

If you really can't bring yourself to leave you MUST do something to improve your life. I don't think its healthy to say that your children are your 'whole life'. That's a burden they don't need and one that will leave you totally bereft when they grow up and move on.

You need to live for now! Take up exercise or a hobby that gets you out of the house. Do voluntary work or get a job. Learn something new. Find friends to meet up with. Lose weight. You need goals. And to find your own happiness.

If your DH won't "let" you do any of these things, then you do need to leave soon. He has no right to control your life.

Be pro active.

It is wildly hypocritical to criticise him for treating you like a passive housewife and for you then to flop around hoping he will have an affair / take responsibility and leave. It is clear from the outset what effect stepping out of the workplace has on your finances, career and pension.

Start now: take a course or a p/t job. Or tell him that you are going back to work and he will need to consider a joint approach to childcare. Build your own future. Give yourself choices and options.

I stayed in a relationship to hold a household together but I put in the hard yards to be a working Mum and to get DH to co-parent properly.

Me absolutely , I have a similar relationship with my husband .
We have children and although I work , I couldn't financially provide for my children and pay all the bills .
He works nights so I sleep alone and at weekends he sleeps on the sofa ,
We haven't had sex or any intimacy since 2016 , I don't want to and he doesn't either .

I miss being hugged but not by him , sometimes I catch myself looking at him in a good god way .
We have talked he's happy to continue like this atm , so I just go along with it knowing that my children have what they need that's that .

He can't make you put wages into a "family pot". You would open an account in your own name and have then paid them into that.

You do seem very subjugated. What would he do if you refused to clean or whatever?

You are being financially abused. Please read:

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

Well get a job. Prepare for eventually leaving by building yourself up now.
Have independent friendships and maintain your support network.

Once you have a bit more independence you will feel more confident in your abilities and yourself. Making it easier to leave.

But your children, in the long run & as adults won't thank you for staying, making yourself unhappy. (And older without recent work experience).