Anyone else plan to leave husband when kids are older?s

[Bidingmytime44]

Hi looking to see if anyone is in my situation to chat to as feel very alone. Have name changed.

Ive been with my husband my whole adult life. Have two kids under 10. He works in a senior management roll and im a housewife.
Im a housewife mainly because his roll his so important (his words) he could never possibly have time off to look after poorly children or during holidays. And we manage well on the one wage so its just easier all round. Im happy not to work .

Anyway, i cant stand him anymore to be truthful. He is a completely different person now. We started off as equals, from the same local area, same friends, same level of employment etc . Since having the children and him climbing the career ladder he treats me like an unpaid servant! I of course do all the housework, cooking etc but he does absolutely nothing, even when off work. He doesnt even make his own drinks! He makes it very clear he is the boss of our family and my opinions count for nothing.
He is a very good father and the kids idolise him. All that he earns is spent on the house and the family. He treats us very well in that respect.

But the love has gone. We sleep in seperate rooms, havent had sex for 4 years and dont think we will again. Im not physically attracted to him at all.

Before covid we managed well as he was only here evenings and weekends. Since March he has been here 100% of the time. I absolutely hate it and theres no end in site.

Thats the background. Sorry its long. In my heart i want to seperate . Have fantasised about it for years. But i wont for 2 selfish reasons. I dont want to be apart from my children . They are my whole world and i would put up with anything to stay with them (they have a happy home, we dont argue etc, , the feelings are kept inside and we live a lie basically).
Secondly is financial reasons. Selfish reasons. We have a good life. If we seperated , the job i would do would be minimum wage. I would not be able to run the house we are in. I would not be able to give them the life we have now. So i stay. And i dream of the time when they are older and more independent and we can seperate .
Ive been told by other people that teenagers dont deal well with adult seperation. I know when i was a teenager i wished every day for my parents to seperate because they argued alot and my dad was strict. They never did seperate and i see how my mums life has been affected by staying. Hers was also financial reasons.

Anyone else in the same boat as me? Or has seperated when kids are older ? I feel like im wishing the years away to start my life!

OP - you need to register yourself for Child Benefit even if you can't / don't claim it - or it can be claimed and then clawed back form your DH's tax.

But either way, you need your NI contributions credited to you.

If the money goes into one account, why can't it be a joint account, and the previous CB in your name?

the 'one pot' should be a joint account.

And you should have access to it for your own clothes and toiletries.

He would not get 50% Residency of the kids - he isn't the primary carer or co-carer.

I realise this is all very very difficult, and agree that you are being treated extremely badly. It isn't just that you have fallen out of love, he demeans you, disrespects you and financially abuses you.

Look at the Freedom Programme online.

I do think it will help your mood and confidence and fighting spirit if you do something for yourself. Volunteering, a course, take up a hobby - walking / gym / swimming / a dance class - something that gets your endorphins going.

Oh, and don't think twice about your size - I swim and so many swimmers are mature ladies of stature!

OP, I'm sorry, but this isn't a question of staying a comfortable but stale marriage for the sake of providing stability for the children.

You are being financially abused. Your children are growing up in an abusive home.

OP, from what you say about your situation you are effectively a slave. You have to do your 'jobs', but are denied access to any money or education.

Some posters bare being really shitty with you and I'm not sure why. You can't just magically 'change your situation' when you're being abused. You need help and support.

Maybe call women's and see what advice they can offer? I hope the future looks brighter for you and your children.

Your children see two unhappy parents, one of whom is abusive and the other of whom is abused.

I grew up with this. My parents never separated and I had a “stable” home but I grew up bathed in Mums unhappiness and martyrdom.

My sister has ended up in a nearly identical relationship. I’ve been luckier - but then I’ve had a lot of counselling.

Is this how you want to teach your children what a marriage is? No love between their parents?

You might not be interested but there are lots of free courses available at the moment. I saw it on Twitter advertised by an account called Open Culture I think. I have a lot of training but wanted to supplement and do an economics course (it complements the work I do) and when I had a search through, the list of courses was huge. MIT in America also offer lots of free online courses. It’s not the same as gaining a qualification, but would help you train yourself back up, would be something you could put on your CV. Alternatively, if you were even remotely interested in the law, you can gain the equivalent of a practice certificate without going to university and earning while you learn. ILEX I think it’s called. My point is, there are lots of alternative means of getting further training or education for little to no cost, and as soon as he is back at work and the kids are in school, he won’t ever have to know. It may help you chew threw the time with him as well, and would definitely make you feel good.

I don’t know if you have your own account, but if you don’t, I would really recommend opening one as soon as possible and putting some of your (I presume this is how it works, so apologies if I’ve misunderstood) housekeeping money in there whenever you can. Having a completely separate (and secret) account will also help you feel better about leaving eventually, as you’ll probably have been able to save a nice little church (could also help to pay for any courses without your husband finding out).

Hi OP. I separated from my ex nearly 3 years ago. We still live together in the family home with our 2 DS.

We live in a nice area, kids settled and lots of friends. We both work but cannot afford two separate homes where we are.

Our marriage died a death years ago. He is a classic avoidant and nearly destroyed me. I became a shell of my former self and knew I had to get out. The first year or so was very difficult. We tried mediation, we tried “nesting” where we come and go and the boys stay put but we were exhausted being constantly on the move.

We decided last year we would stay in our home and raise our boys. Both of them are fully aware that their parents are no longer together romantically. We have separate rooms and there has been absolutely no intimacy since the day I called time on our marriage.

We’ve managed to establish a fairly decent platonic relationship. We go on family days out, we respect each other’s boundaries, don’t ask questions and co-parent very well. Don’t get me wrong, there are days where I could string him up but by removing the marriage part I have no wants and needs from him anymore. I am not fighting a losing battle anymore, begging for love from him and constantly being upset and frustrated. We will never get back together, our boys are very happy that both their parents are around for them, we share the load (because he has to now and I’m not his skivy anymore) and I like to think our boys will see respect and caring for another person, even though we are no longer husband and wife.

I never wanted to break my family up either. The guilt I carried with me for the first 2.5 years of our separation was crippling but now I see that we all are in fact very happy how we are.

I’m sure the time will come when we can separate logistically but for now we are plodding along okay. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that although I knew I didn’t have the financial means to break away completely, I also knew I couldn’t be married to him anymore either and somehow it’s ended up that I’ve gone from absolute despair and hopelessness, to actually being in a good place mentally because I am free from our marriage but my family is still in tact somewhat.

I know it’s a very unorthodox situation but I just wanted to give you a different perspective on how some couples can come to a respectful conclusion to their marriage, admit it’s over but form a different bond as co-parents and house mates. I wish you well OP as I know how awful it is xx

You aren't the first woman to find herself with a partner who controls the finances and leaves her with no access to money for herself. But you can escape with help.

It must be hard to be resigned to spending 16 years in an unhappy marriage and have people suddenly point out that there is an emergency escape behind you. You don't know whether to believe it is possible and trust you and the kids can escape safely and have a good life. You can with help. Women's aid and other women's organisations are experienced at helping women escape situations like this, they know how hard it is and that it is worth it. With support you can be free and have much more access to money for you and your children than you do at the moment, and that would be true if you only had benefits (and you should have child support and a generous division of marital assets too). And you will be able to train and get a job too.

He wants you to feel like you have no acceptable alternatives to this modern slavery but you really do. What he's doing is illegal and wrong and there are people who can help you.

What crime would you have to commit to spend 16 years as prisoner? Don't spend your children's childhoods as time served. It's cruel to all of you.

You also can't teach them to be more free than you are, you need to liberate yourself to liberate them.

Build your courage, find the practical support and work towards a brighter future.

You would be entitled to UC if you get a part time job plus a good rate of maintenance and probably get to keep the house, or at least until your youngest turns 18. I don't think you will be as badly off as you think.

OP I'm not in this situation as I decided this year to not be. It breaks my heart to think of people living a half life.
Life is so damn short. It is.
And your kids will NOT thank you for your martyrdom later. They won't. I promise that. They may resent you for it.
I left. But I realise it is not easy. You are being financially abused. You'll need support and you'll need to make under the radar changes. But it seems you want to remain. Which is of course your choice. I do hope that when you are elderly you have no regrets over time wasted. It's what I feared for me which is why I left.

The first step you need to take is to gain access to your own money.

If the kids are at school, get a job. Any job. Open a bank account in your sole name that your DH cannot access and have your wages paid into it.

Sorry to hear about your situation . This is financial abuse. Not surprised you hate his guts.

OP - you can keep your wages but you would have to muster up the courage to tell him that. The OU has free short online courses to give you a taster. Do you have skills and interests from before? Accountancy can be done from home freelance and you work around the school holidays - perhaps pairing up with another freelancer to cover busy periods. Look at the OU courses for Inspiration.
Don't put obstacles in your way by talking about school holidays etc. There are clubs and wraparound care. Everything is possible.

This is such a sad thread. You are living a half life.
You mention The Family Pot. So could you dare to buy a pair of shoes for yourself? Or a winter coat? From one of those supermarkets that sells clothes too, online?
The first time is the hardest. If he starts huffing and puffing, point out you haven't had a new coat in 6 years.
I found it deeply troubling to read that your parents buy you essentials. What happens when they can't anymore?

Do the kids get pocket money?

Something else is bothering me too. Is he hiding money from you, assets, accounts etc etc. If your function is to look after dc and clean the house, when the dc leave home, frankly, he could divorce you and hire a cleaner.
I am glad you plan to leave.

@Bidingmytime44 - Your post resonates with me so much. It’s hard isn’t it!
My husband told me he only talks to me to keep the peace, I’ve not been the same since.
He doesn’t spend his evenings with me anymore, I am so lonely!
We are simply two people who are existing in each other’s company.
I’ve often thought about leaving but I am neither strong enough and the thought of splitting my family hurts a lot!
I know one day it will all be too much and I will find the courage.
You are not alone

You say you want your own life to lead as you want!! Yes, fair enough but how do you propose to go about achieving that? You need to start getting on courses, you could stop comfort eating, lose weight and get healthy! Look into career options. You could be proactive and make small steps in the direction you want to go OR...you could spend the rest of your life just making excuses not to do anything!! The choice is yours.

Op, this is awful financial abuse. Two steps to take while you plan.

1. You can register for the child benefit and you will get it. He will have to pay it back but who gives a shit?

2.Open a bank account. Get a min wage job and put your money in. Say calmly but firmly (if he has to know) That it’s time for you to have some money. That if he says anything else you will start telling everyone you know that you’ve never had a penny from him, can’t buy clothes, and walk away. He might well decide it’s a battle he doesn’t want to fight when he sees you are decided.

It's worse when your older. My parents finally divorced when I was 24 and initially the relief was great! (I had been waiting since I was 13, which is when I started to understand adult relationships more)

I then had to deal with my parents being very open with their bitterness and resentment of each other which they wouldn't have done if they still saw me as a child. It's incredibly hard to hear two people you love speak with such hate about each other. I also felt like my childhood was a lie!

Seems like OP has left the building?

@Yohoheaveho

Seems like OP has left the building?

That will be because we are giving the very honest truth that it really isn't worth wasting your life and 'sacrificing your happiness' for your children's.

I think she was probably expecting lots of responses where people agreed and were doing the same thing.

It's hard to hear. My mum bitterly regrets her life now and cannot get out of the bitterness cycle. Living like the op does that to a person.

If you're determined to wait @Bidingmytime44 use this time to secure your future, do a course or get a degree or start working part time or volunteering with an aim to gain skills to go for a better paid job. If you just wait and separate once kids are grown up all you'll likely end up with less of the assets (no need to house kids) and be in a worse position employment wise as you'll be older and have been out of the work force longer so harder to get a job.

I just couldn't have my children see me treated as a low class by their father.

There are some free online training courses you can access, so its then.a matter of you just doing it. Although it's covid now, you could have done some volunteering to gain work experience.

I know money is important, but you do need to look towards the future and think of how you can earn some money.

You may not want to disrupt family life, but you're actually limiting your future by not taking some control. Taking control doesn't mean you need to leave the marriage....you just need to do things that don't require his support.

So forget him doing childcare....or taking a day off if kids are sick...take it that you're on your own in that regard.

I'm just wondering if he's thinking the same as you... that he'll leave when the kids are older...then he doesn't have to pay CS...a lot of men wait because of the financial hit.

Hi Op. I've posted on MN relationship before about my poor relationship/emotional abuse and staying around until my DD is older (she's only just turned 3). The responses were an almost unanimous LTB. But you know what...I can't. For so many reasons. I wish I could. I do work, but it's a pittance really and I couldn't make ends meet. I know my partner would demand to stay in the house and he earns a lot of money and tells me he'd take DD off me due to my poor mental when she was tiny. I am afraid of him and my MIL making my life a misery if we split (they are toxic characters) having no friends or money, DD preferring him (she already seems to any way) and my parents not speaking to me (they are afraid of loosing money in the house). So I stay. Some days it's bearable, some ok, some it's so shite and awful I fantasise about my partner having an affair or walking out or even dying and leaving us in peace. I wish I was joking.
I hope it won't always be this way. I have no real solutions. The only thing I do is enjoy my life outside the house and the relationship, try and do my job well, keep my hobby (running) and few friendships going.

I think unless people have been in these toxic situations they can't understand the feeling of being trapped and how hard it must be.

I try hard not to become too bitter but my heart breaks when I think of the young woman 10 years ago who lived alone and loved her life,e earnt good money and did whatever she wanted.

I think the best thing for you would you be try and get some sort of job to have some money for yourself, try and get outside and be active and keep some sense of yourself. Your partner can't break your spirit, no matter what.

If you ever want to inbox me feel free. I hope one day, you, I and no doubt the thousands of other women find strength to break free.

I wish you the best

You keep saying that you can't get a job because the money would have to go into the "family pot". How exactly? If you got a job, and gave them your personal bank account details as where to pay your salary to, what would your husband do about it? Say he'd leave you? That's what you want, isn't it? Physically threaten you?

I think unless people have been in these toxic situations they can't understand the feeling of being trapped and how hard it must be
This is true however it is also true that these toxic people have stitched you up, they have put you under a kind of spell, have tricked you into thinking that they have more power than they actually have.
I'm not saying it's easy to see through them, it isn't...this is the nature of the beast, but there is some smoke and mirrors going on here...imo

Although a bit brutal , cam2020 is correct. It’s actually easier to build yourself up career/job wise whilst he has an obligation to pay child maintenance. Older is not necessarily easier - I said all these things and then realised my 19 year old at the time would be just as funny about it as any 8 year old .