Is this love bombing or is this man just keen and knows what he wants?

[piddocktrumperiness]

I matched with a guy on Friday on Tinder, went for an impromptu walk that afternoon- he was pleasant enough and we found out we had been under each others noses all these years (went to the same schools, same college, lived in the same neighbourhood). I didn't have any other plans that evening, so accepted his second date request for a coffee.

He shared a lot of personal information about his very very vulnerable past claiming he couldn't believe he's telling me this, but felt compelled to. We had a third date on the Saturday and again it was pleasant. I felt no spark but I never really have so I tend to keep my guard and let them grow on me type of thing. If the date was overall pleasant with no major red flags, I go on another to double check.

He messages a lot-alot. He texts in the morning, tells me the thought of me makes him smile. We talk for hours on the phone, and ask each other questions ( we have lots in common it seems- our answers are nearly always the same). He said that he is an all in or all out type of guy, and that he spend several years single to learn more about what he likes and doesn't and would rather be single than in the wrong relationship- but he feels something special is brewing between us and that he'd like to give it a real shot. He said he felt a spark and some butterflies on the first date and was buzzing ever since. He has also said he is willing to get off the app and focus on seeing where this goes- intense!

I told him to calm down, that I take things super slow, at my own pace that I have been hurt before, so I am very cautious and petty skeptical and that men talk the talk- I look for actions and for actions to match the words. I told him to stop idealising me, as he doesn't know me yet. I told him that asking me to make a decision to take things forward after 24 hrs is intense and I won't do it ( I think he may have been a little hurt when I told him I had a date arranged for a while, for later in the week- he said he cancelled the dates he had) He has said that he isn't intense, or doesn't mean to come across like that, but that he genuinely feels something special and is very excited about it and that he thinks all the similarities, the fact we were under each others noses, same schooling, all of it are signs that we were aligned and supposed to meet each other- for a reason.This all to me sounds like major love bombing run away territory. He has also said he wants me to keep my guard up so that he can prove he is sincere and that he can earn my trust. He said he wants to build a fulfilling long lasting relationship that is built on friendship, however long it takes, so he's willing to take sex off the table ( however difficult it is for him) for as long as I want- because he wants to get to know me, for me.

I have been semi love bombed before- they get exhausted after a few weeks, it's never the lavish gifts or anything but it's the over promising and under delivering, the compliments, and the verbal affection- so I am always skeptical. Most men I date don't put half as much effort and most certainly don't know what they want. However, through our long conversations, this guy comes across as having his head screwed on well, his values and outlook on life are similar to mine, which makes me a bit pissed off that he is so intense like this.

I guess I'd like to know if from any of your experiences, do men know from the first date that they found someone special? Can they come across intense but from a good place? I can't figure out if he really is love bombing me or if he is a hopeless romantic.

@piddocktrumperiness

Thanks everyone! Just had a text pop up from him on whatsapp- "If I did something wrong I'd appreciate you letting me know too"

I've not opened it.

Past news now I know, but it's always good not to give this kind of feedback - all it would do is possibly enable clingy nightmare guy to learn to hide those traits more effectively next time until the new date was far more invested/reeled in! That goes for: controlling arse guy, opinionated boor guy, mansplainer from hell guy... the list goes on.

Never give them the heads up on how to hide those potential red flags. If they don't know they're flying them, don't tell them. Future women will thank you!

Sadly, someone who was adopted at age 7 years is likely to have had a very difficult start in life which will have affected their attachment style and ability to form relationships. That doesn't mean they're never going to be in a healthy relationship but it does make it much more difficult.

Yeah I thought that too, how can I hide it better next time ...

Mansplainer from hell made me laugh tho’!

Good you never fell for that one OP.

@Spanglemum
You are so right- his childhood was heartbreaking to hear about and his behaviour since meeting definitely indicated an insecure attachment. I myself, have been working on mine; anxious avoidant (the perfect pair!-ha!) but he took the insecurity to another level. He wanted lots of validation and reassurance and his upset over me still being on the apps solidifies that.

My favourite comment on dating posts is "don't match with me if you're not prepared to meet up"

I mean

But the “King” thing was a giveaway. Don’t get confused about hard luck stories OP. Only two kinds of people use them. 1. Psychopaths and narcissists. Seriously. The pity story is the no. 1 red flag. Sorry to get all serial killer, but Ted Bundy used this, along with walking sticks to trap his poor and unsuspecting prey. It’s a ploy.

1. Co-dependants sometimes use it to proclaim their vulnerability, but usually reluctantly.

Anyway our vulnerability, is nearly always apparent to others, especially predator types and losers. The point though is to be aware of our own vulnerabilities and take care of ourselves. Hence Cattlegrids reality checklist earlier thread so helpful.

I have known adopted people - who don’t tell everyone on first dates btw.

I have a couple of friends who are adopted (both men) and I didn't find that out about either of them until I'd know them for a while and they became good friends. That's normal.

I'm adopted. It's not being adopted as such that damages you (though it can have an effect) but it's what happens before you're adopted. A lot can happen to a child in 7 years that can affect that child for the rest of her/his life.

@piddocktrumperiness it does sound like that. You've done the right thing by moving on. It's sad but he sounds like he has a lot of issues.

@Spanglemum

I'm adopted. It's not being adopted as such that damages you (though it can have an effect) but it's what happens before you're adopted. A lot can happen to a child in 7 years that can affect that child for the rest of her/his life.

@Spanglemum, I don’t think anyone’s denying that for a moment — I have a friend who’s recently reestablished contact with her birth family and is find it very difficult because it raises all kinds of complex, messy stuff she’s not ever likely to have real answers to — but you wouldn’t give someone an in-depth run down on deeply private information about a traumatic early childhood on your first date with a total stranger you met online, would you?

@Djouce I totally agree. No that was a massive red flag.

The more you describe him the more he sounds like someone I dated - he wasn’t a ginger, London-based guy with a name beginning with S was he?

If he is good at love bombing, he WILL come across as having the same values and outlook as you, the same sense of humour, the same...well...everything he can possibly manage. When I was love bombed, the guy used to say 'we're the same person'. We were incredibly different and I don't like his values. It took me YEARS to see the real ones. He may well come across as genuine. Love bombers genuinely THINK they are in love, and that's the problem. But it's a huge red flag, as he'll definitely be emotionally immature, at best.