Is this love bombing or is this man just keen and knows what he wants?

[piddocktrumperiness]

I matched with a guy on Friday on Tinder, went for an impromptu walk that afternoon- he was pleasant enough and we found out we had been under each others noses all these years (went to the same schools, same college, lived in the same neighbourhood). I didn't have any other plans that evening, so accepted his second date request for a coffee.

He shared a lot of personal information about his very very vulnerable past claiming he couldn't believe he's telling me this, but felt compelled to. We had a third date on the Saturday and again it was pleasant. I felt no spark but I never really have so I tend to keep my guard and let them grow on me type of thing. If the date was overall pleasant with no major red flags, I go on another to double check.

He messages a lot-alot. He texts in the morning, tells me the thought of me makes him smile. We talk for hours on the phone, and ask each other questions ( we have lots in common it seems- our answers are nearly always the same). He said that he is an all in or all out type of guy, and that he spend several years single to learn more about what he likes and doesn't and would rather be single than in the wrong relationship- but he feels something special is brewing between us and that he'd like to give it a real shot. He said he felt a spark and some butterflies on the first date and was buzzing ever since. He has also said he is willing to get off the app and focus on seeing where this goes- intense!

I told him to calm down, that I take things super slow, at my own pace that I have been hurt before, so I am very cautious and petty skeptical and that men talk the talk- I look for actions and for actions to match the words. I told him to stop idealising me, as he doesn't know me yet. I told him that asking me to make a decision to take things forward after 24 hrs is intense and I won't do it ( I think he may have been a little hurt when I told him I had a date arranged for a while, for later in the week- he said he cancelled the dates he had) He has said that he isn't intense, or doesn't mean to come across like that, but that he genuinely feels something special and is very excited about it and that he thinks all the similarities, the fact we were under each others noses, same schooling, all of it are signs that we were aligned and supposed to meet each other- for a reason.This all to me sounds like major love bombing run away territory. He has also said he wants me to keep my guard up so that he can prove he is sincere and that he can earn my trust. He said he wants to build a fulfilling long lasting relationship that is built on friendship, however long it takes, so he's willing to take sex off the table ( however difficult it is for him) for as long as I want- because he wants to get to know me, for me.

I have been semi love bombed before- they get exhausted after a few weeks, it's never the lavish gifts or anything but it's the over promising and under delivering, the compliments, and the verbal affection- so I am always skeptical. Most men I date don't put half as much effort and most certainly don't know what they want. However, through our long conversations, this guy comes across as having his head screwed on well, his values and outlook on life are similar to mine, which makes me a bit pissed off that he is so intense like this.

I guess I'd like to know if from any of your experiences, do men know from the first date that they found someone special? Can they come across intense but from a good place? I can't figure out if he really is love bombing me or if he is a hopeless romantic.

Too much, too soon, too needy. I'd be doing a runner.

You sound very clued up but also that you’re doubting your judgement.

This is very fast, I haven’t even changed my bedsocks since you met! If he has emotional issues that are affecting how he behaves then he needs counselling before attempting a relationship.

I’d be tempted to tell him you need to focus on your family at this time of year and let’s pick it up again in January, see how he reacts

He has two daughters, by two different women

Here's an area to explore as it will give you signals. Was he married? Was he divorced for adultery? Does he see the DDs? What is his relationship with the exs? Loads of clues here. If he tells you they are needy, crazy or badmouths them it's a massive red flag.

On the other hand, if he as good relationships with them, and you can verify that in some way, then it's a better outlook.

Another thing I'd look for is how many friends he has. Narcs rarely have a friendship circle other than transient useful people. "Normal" people have several longstanding friendships. How does he get on with his family as well. Narcs are usually distant.

@Opentooffers I didn't see a problem with two dates in one day really- considering the first one was very short, about 40 mins, as I had some commitments. He asked if I was actively dating, and he started probing for days to meet up and I told him the truth.
He did say that he cancelled the date he lined up after I told him I'm going ahead with mine.

Another thing I'd suggest is to hold back on giving him information about you. If he's a narc he will use it to show you what a perfect match you are. He will work out which buttons to push to appeal to you but mark my words, he's also working out which buttons to press to upset and intimidate you later on.

What have you told him so far? Has he used that information? How?

If you hold back from talking about yourself what does he do? If he's a narc, information is power. I think @ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes makes a great suggestion to pick up again in Jan and see how he reacts. Narcs don't like to be second fiddle to anyone.

Well, I think better to focus on your own feelings, even if they are conflicted, rather than over-much on him.

I'm interested in the fact that you say that you feel he 'matches' you in many ways, because that really doesn't come across on here, and I imagine that's what @EarthSight meant by 'emotional differences' -- he's incredibly full-on, with all the info about his past, his pushing for date after date (is two dates on the first day you met a record?), his clinginess, and what you term 'desperation', while you are far cooler and more guarded.

He did say that he cancelled the date he lined up after I told him I'm going ahead with mine

Hmm. he told you after you told him. I expect that will come back to bite you as well (if he's a narc)

@WhatsAParlay
He was never married and appears to have a good relationship with both. One of his daughters lives in a different city, but the other is round the corner- he and her mother are on good terms and meet up with her new family often, when their daughter wants. They don't have fixed split of childcare, as his daughter has a new baby sister, so he's kind of left it to her, on an adhoc basis, whenever she wants to stay- she can kind of thing.
He loves his parents to death- they adopted him when he was 7 and treated him like a king, in his words. He isn't on good terms with his siblings I don't recall, as they are over 10-15 yrs older than him, and I remember him saying his brother is a serial cheater or something like that.
He does say he has friends, but talks of one more regularly, as his best friend. He also says he has friendships from his time in the military but those were statements in passing.
All this could just be words though can't they?

Tbh that kind of intense behaviour would put me right off even if it weren't deliberate love-bombing (which it may well be).

They don't have fixed split of childcare, as his daughter has a new baby sister, so he's kind of left it to her, on an adhoc basis, whenever she wants to stay- she can kind of thing.

That would ring alarm bells for me -- that he has a (presumably young) daughter who does not spend fixed, significant periods of time with her father. The time I've seen this up close, it was a friend of mine who supposedly had 50/50 residence with his two young sons, but it quickly dwindled into them spending all their time living with their mother, while he would drop in at bedtime a couple of evenings a week. It was pure laziness, using as an excuse the fact that sometimes the boys wanted to finish play a computer game at home, which he converted into 'Oh, they're happier with you.'

What about the daughter who lives in another city? Presumably he only sees her for occasional visits?

I would reduce the hours spent talking on the phone, see how he takes to that?

I wonder if he will say 'yes, lets slow this down, I got carried away" or "Don't ignore me" & continue to bombard you?

@Nore Yes she lives 5 hours away and will come visit during holidays- he says.
He does say he sees his youngest daughter around 3 times a week but she doesn't always stay over. So for example, he took her to an appointment after school yesterday, they had tea, chat and played then dropped her off.

Also, despite how much you're talking, how much you apparently have in common, this issue is highlighting key emotional differences between you both, and that might be an even bigger problem as you progress.

@Yonifellover

I would reduce the hours spent talking on the phone, see how he takes to that?

I wonder if he will say 'yes, lets slow this down, I got carried away" or "Don't ignore me" & continue to bombard you?

He might say the former, but then keep on doing the latter. I've had that experience :/

Difficult one then OP. What's for sure is that he has made you question his approach to you and has made you a bit uncomfortable. If you want to see how it goes then my advice would be to decide the pace and tell him what you want. If he continues to press you then that alone is reason to discontinue the relationship

WAY too intense. It'll overwhelm you. You'll run for the hills anyway. You may as well start now.

His name's not Christopher, is it? Sounds exactly like my ex.

Sounds exactly like a lot of people's ex's.

It sounds like lovebombing to me. Keep your wits about you.

I think you’re focusing too much on him, as someone else said. Focus on your own gut instinct. How do you feel when you get a text from him? Or when he says the things about cancelling dates for you etc. For me, I’d find that waaaaay too much. I can’t handle needy people. He might not be abusive but he does sound quite full on and intense. Put your own boundaries in place and stick to them.

I can't figure out if he really is love bombing me or if he is a hopeless romantic.

In a way it doesn't matter. You don't sound comfortable with his level of intensity - I wouldn't be either. Is it coming from a good place or something more sinister? No idea - but either way I still wouldn't like it, and would feel it made us incompatible at best.

But you're still at the stage where you're feeling each other out. It's hard to know what communication style will go down well when you meet someone new. Male friends of mine have gone OTT with romantic gestures out of some misguided idea that "it's what women like".

You've had a bigger-picture conversation about his intensity - has he dialled it somewhat down since then? Have you told him directly that you'd rather he dialled it down? If his only response to those things is to justify himself but NOT dial it down, that's a red flag to me. Not necessarily a sinister one, but an indication that he wasn't prepared to alter a communication style I didn't like.

It seems a lot but could be genuine. My dp was very open from the start, I'm more reserved at first. Everything is great 25 months in. I'm more concerned you didn't feel a spark because sure did, I just suppressed it to protect myself

He sounds “off” to me. All the stories of vulnerability straight off the bat (biggest red flag, gets your pity and emotional attention and empathy).

The hours on the phone already, the texts, after only 4 days saying he’s happy to wait for sex (big of him!), and for you to keep your guard up too! At the same time he’s pushy personified.

2 children by 2 single mothers ...

Wow.

[shivers]

My spidery senses are going off like crazy here.

If you are more emotionally restrained and aware (as in, examining how your own actions affect others) and he's not (blurts out everything not matter how it may seem to you, is highly emotional), then that is going to cause all sorts of problems. You will be in a constant state of push & pull, and being smothered is going to feel like a massive turn off eventually. The beginning of a relationship should be smooth, but you're already encountering problems.

I wonder why those relationships ended too.

Whatever you decide be careful OP.

And:

1. Don’t have sex with him until 100% sure. Maybe never.

1. Keep your own life is the major thing. And you control the pace. Keep dating others but don’t tell him. That “hurt” he expressed, is that a covert signal of jealousy and ownership already?

1. Do not give much personal information. Listen more than talk.

But honestly he sounds overly intense - at best. And you sound very unsure understandably.

If you are going to continue to see him practice tuning into your own feelings all the time. Bin him at the slightest “off” feelings or discomfort.

Mine too Clymene