Is this love bombing or is this man just keen and knows what he wants?

[piddocktrumperiness]

I matched with a guy on Friday on Tinder, went for an impromptu walk that afternoon- he was pleasant enough and we found out we had been under each others noses all these years (went to the same schools, same college, lived in the same neighbourhood). I didn't have any other plans that evening, so accepted his second date request for a coffee.

He shared a lot of personal information about his very very vulnerable past claiming he couldn't believe he's telling me this, but felt compelled to. We had a third date on the Saturday and again it was pleasant. I felt no spark but I never really have so I tend to keep my guard and let them grow on me type of thing. If the date was overall pleasant with no major red flags, I go on another to double check.

He messages a lot-alot. He texts in the morning, tells me the thought of me makes him smile. We talk for hours on the phone, and ask each other questions ( we have lots in common it seems- our answers are nearly always the same). He said that he is an all in or all out type of guy, and that he spend several years single to learn more about what he likes and doesn't and would rather be single than in the wrong relationship- but he feels something special is brewing between us and that he'd like to give it a real shot. He said he felt a spark and some butterflies on the first date and was buzzing ever since. He has also said he is willing to get off the app and focus on seeing where this goes- intense!

I told him to calm down, that I take things super slow, at my own pace that I have been hurt before, so I am very cautious and petty skeptical and that men talk the talk- I look for actions and for actions to match the words. I told him to stop idealising me, as he doesn't know me yet. I told him that asking me to make a decision to take things forward after 24 hrs is intense and I won't do it ( I think he may have been a little hurt when I told him I had a date arranged for a while, for later in the week- he said he cancelled the dates he had) He has said that he isn't intense, or doesn't mean to come across like that, but that he genuinely feels something special and is very excited about it and that he thinks all the similarities, the fact we were under each others noses, same schooling, all of it are signs that we were aligned and supposed to meet each other- for a reason.This all to me sounds like major love bombing run away territory. He has also said he wants me to keep my guard up so that he can prove he is sincere and that he can earn my trust. He said he wants to build a fulfilling long lasting relationship that is built on friendship, however long it takes, so he's willing to take sex off the table ( however difficult it is for him) for as long as I want- because he wants to get to know me, for me.

I have been semi love bombed before- they get exhausted after a few weeks, it's never the lavish gifts or anything but it's the over promising and under delivering, the compliments, and the verbal affection- so I am always skeptical. Most men I date don't put half as much effort and most certainly don't know what they want. However, through our long conversations, this guy comes across as having his head screwed on well, his values and outlook on life are similar to mine, which makes me a bit pissed off that he is so intense like this.

I guess I'd like to know if from any of your experiences, do men know from the first date that they found someone special? Can they come across intense but from a good place? I can't figure out if he really is love bombing me or if he is a hopeless romantic.

Someone making a big deal of being happy to wait for sex 'even though it will be hard' as if it's such a huge sacrifice (after a couple of dates!) is going to be a manipulative person who believes that them being a 'nice guy' means you owe them a relationship.

I think the thing to remember is that he might not be an abuser or nasty per se but it doesn't really matter why someone exhibits unhealthy, inappropriate behaviour, what matters is that you see the red flag it is and act on it.

His behaviour has been totally inappropriate for the length of time you've known him - he's displayed signs of mirroring, love bombing and 'nice guy' tactics that feel inauthentic.

I've been with someone similar and I stopped seeing him after a couple of months as he was putting the relationship on a pedestal and I had a lightbulb moment - I realised that as much as he banged on about it being different with me / never felt like this / can open up to me etc... I could have been anyone.

He was projecting onto me (and us) his own idea of what a serious, loving relationship looks like, he was playing the role of 'doting boyfriend' because that's what he thinks "women" who I realised he saw as a homogenous mass wanted.

He also thought that being the doting boyfriend meant people weren't allowed to break up with you because it was mean. Kept saying that me ending it was me being scared of commitment / opening up (I'm not at all, am now in a genuinely healthy and lovely relationship) and very much the vibes he wanted to fix me.

That if he treated me 'right' long enough I would see he was this amazing guy who I owed a relationship.

Your guy sounds spookily similar and I wish I had stopped seeing my one at the stage you're at now.

The good thing is once you cut the chord and properly block them they usually piss off quickly as they are keen to constantly have an object of their affections to show their nice guy credentials / get validation, so they repeat the pattern over and over with the next woman, then the next one...

I'm not sure if I would label this love bombing - but after just 5 days to know all this stuff about him is a little intense. Sounds like you're beginning to focus on all the details he's thrown at you and not focusing on the important question - "Do you fancy him?" You mention that you tend to let people grow on you a bit first before feeling any spark. I think I'd be wary of that approach in this case particularly as he seems to be behaving too full on and you might end up in a situation where you haven't assessed your own feelings before being dragged into something you later regret.

Trust your instincts - if something seems off - it probably is. Remember you don't owe this guy anything at this point.

I broke up with my ex 2 weeks ago after 5 months together. Your OP could have been about him. Run. Self centred and potentially narc. I ignored my gut screaming at me for months and it’s left me heart broken. I will listen next time! The fact that you’ve posted on here speaks volumes, our intuition picks up on bad energy. You’ve recognised it (brilliant!) now act on it :) good luck!

Some people are open and intense, it's their style. You appear quite mismatched.

When I met my partner we connected very quickly and realised what we had was special. In our late 40s at the time we both knew this was different. We could both be accused of love bombing I suppose but it's the most loving, healthy relationship I've ever had (he says tbe same) so it did us no harm.

Just my experience.

I met my bf online and he told me after our second date that he had deleted the apps. He was open with his feelings early on, whereas I was more guarded and careful with my heart and he shared personal information about himself on our first date (difficult not to really as he is a recovering alcoholic and we were out for a meal).

However, none of this was done in a way which was uncomfortable for me and we had talked a lot before we were able to meet for the first time.

I also had another date lined up in between talking to him and arranging our first date and actually going on the date. I told him about it as he'd asked what I was up to that evening. He acted fine about it though and it was only later on that he admitted he'd been gutted!

We are still together after 16 months and are very open with each other about our feelings but if i'd have asked him to slow things down a bit in the early stages than I know he would have respected this. He didn't even mention sex and in the end it was me who initiated it as he didn't know if I was ready (I so was)!

So I would say it's not necessarily a bad sign that he is so open but you are well within your rights to ask him if you can take things a little slower. The first few weeks are about getting to know each other gradually to see if you want to take it further...not about committing to a long term relationship with someone you've just met.

[quote piddocktrumperiness]@Katiefizz76 Interesting, how would you advise I do that? Is there anything beyond me telling I want to take it slow that I should say?[/quote]
I would check that he is respectful of boundaries. If you said you were spending the evening catching up with a friend, does he continue to contact you even though you have said you are doing this or does he let you enjoy it? This is the sort of red flags I wouldn't ignore because they will only get worse. And I mean this is the sort of thing you should always look for, not just at the minute.

I would tell him you move slow in relationships and never make rash decisions. People who are lovebombing in order to tie you down will be unnerved by this.

I would also not respond to his texts until you really have the time and energy to do so, and note if he was respectful.if that as well. If he texts and says good morning and you don't respond for a few hours, is he okay with this?

You can slow this down in verbal and non verbal communication. If you feel that he is unhappy with how things are going and communicates this to you in verbal and non verbal ways, then end the relationship.

Just remember that relationships are supposed to be fun at this stage. They don't have to be perfect but they shouldn't be stressful, or filled with game-playing in order to ensure you feel safe with him.

Blimey, I had flashbacks reading the OP. The 'volunteering' of vulnerabilities on the first date, annexing your time, deletion of dating apps and wondering why you don't do the same, 'it's never been like this before', messages at all hours and excusing all of the above due to said vulnerabilities. One divorce later.... Please do watch yourself, it's too soon for this type of behaviour it is smothering.

Gosh my dear I have literally joined Mumsnet as I am so concerned about you after reading this post and some of the replies.

The term lovebombing is a bit irrelevant. This man is NOT behaving like a normal person. This man is not listening to you and responding to your expressed wishes. This man does not have the emotional maturity to wait a few days for anything. This man is letting you think that not having sex with him is some sort of favour he will grant you! This man has a military background. This man is used to being treated "like a king". This man has let two children grow up without a father present. This man has already got inside your head...that much is clear as you seem more able to see things from his point of you than your own.

You should be OUTRAGED and INSULTED someone is so demanding of your time, attention and sympathy after 48 hours. That should make you cut him off and really spend more time with normal people (not romantically) observving and reminding yourself what is normal! ANd what is effing creepy as hell!

How many boundaries of normal people has he so far broken?

1. Texting you frequently when you are (I presume) working...
2. After you said you wanted to take it slow he 'compromised' by 'taking sex off the table'. You weren't offering sex??? You were saying you wanted to take things MORE slowly, ie see him less often. He's now got you thinking that you've compromised by not having sex with him???

You've stated a boundary...and he's ingnored it. You don't even seem to have noticed and you can bet he has picked up on your people pleaser, nice-girl, getting used to boundaries personality. You don't see the problem with two dates in one day???? Really??? It's that easy to command your time and infiltrate your life???? I don't mean to sound harsh about you as you sound very kind and lovely, and very young...I am trying to make the point that you have already given him indications that you are easy to get to, easy to access, easy to manipulate.

Everything he has said is classic manipulation. Try googling the individual phrases. You'll end up on boards discussing DV and narcissism.

You don't think it is weird to have parents to treat you like a king???? This is how narcissists grow up.

He is pushy, he has no interest even right at the beginning in respecting your wishes...you state what you want and he tries to change your mind. You seem to let him! Where will it end?? He is clingy, attention seeking, with no self respect or respect for you (it is NOT appropriate to tell tales of trauma on a first date...it is not what a normal person does because it immediately compromises the listener, if they are an empathetic person.

No strong confident man is ever gonna straight out paint himself as some poor victim. He'll share his stories with you in time. THe only men who do this are bloody manipulators.

To those saying, see him again, you have obviously NOT been involved in a DV / narcissistic relationship. These people move quickly. They are computers who analyse and execute without empathy. One more date and you'll be further sucked in.I guarantee it.

You sound lovely and I am so glad you have come on the board. I really, really worry about the impact he has had on you already and the way he has got you thinking that bizarre and manipulative behaviour is 'romantic'. I hope you don't see him again and I worry for you.

Emotionally safe dating means:

Don't meet them the day you match
Don't meet them twice the day you match!
Don't give away your school, college and other private details
Don't let someone have access to you by text so easily
Don't defend or explain how you manage relationships on a second date
Recognise if someone needs to offload their trauma on you on a first date it is a sign of a HUGELY damaged person
Don't let a man you've known four days even DISCUSS the timing of having sex with you (yuk!)
Recognise what adult behaviour is. Insist on it. Texting all day when you should be working is not a sign of love. It's a sign of immaturity and irresponsibility.
Stick to nice topics for the first few dates - not abandoned children, childhood trauma and when you have sex
Prize your time, energy, privacy and rights more highly
There is no rush

@MysteryMy Yes I will do that- I have been hurt too badly in the past that I will proceed with extreme caution.

@EarthSight- thanks for clarifying :)

I would be very cautious with this man. His behaviour isn’t normal and as someone who has made allowances in the past my tolerance is rock bottom for red flag behaviour like his.

Such an excellent safe dating list Cattle. Should be on a board somewhere on MN.

Good luck OP.

Remember plenty of fish in the sea. And you’re the prize - really.

I ended up in a horrbly abusive realtionship with a schizoid narcissist who tried to kill me as a result of accepting strange dating behaviour and making allowances for someone damaged.

It's been 5 days OP. Keep that in your mind when you aren't sure. It sounds way too intense for 5 days! He sounds OTT and I say that as someone who's DP fell hard and fast but we had got to know each other in a professional capacity for a couple of months before staying in touch, then we started with the long chats but that was initiated by me and we also could have crossed paths earlier in our adulthood, many times. The difference is I had zero doubts and felt the same as him.

This doesn't feel right and I think your gut is telling you that.

Thank you so much everyone! I've not even considered some of the points you mentioned

This all has been a eye opener!

I’d just find this all horribly suffocating and want to avoid him like the plague!

Him cancelling a date while you went on yours is also manipulative. In his head you now ‘owe him’, just like you ‘owe’ him sex because he’s willing to wait. The more I read about this the more I think RUN!!,

Telling you that his parents treated him ‘like a king’ is also a way of testing your reaction. Most people would think that it is crazy.

He’s telling you how he expects to be treated.

@MysteryMy

Such an excellent safe dating list Cattle. Should be on a board somewhere on MN.

Good luck OP.

Remember plenty of fish in the sea. And you’re the prize - really.

Thanks @MysteryMy I do feel I've ranted at the poor OP but I think for those of us who have been there and been as 'reasonable' and 'understanding' as the OP when we should have been protecting ourselves, it is so heartbreaking to think - especially with Christmas and everything - of all the pressures that can be made to bear and how, unwittingly, we can give the signals that we will very, very quickly prioritise a stranger over our lives.

Anyone, ever, who tries to rush you into making a decision about anything, NEVER has your best interests at heart.

If this is love bombing (which it sounds like) I have no idea how it works on anyone as this sort of behaviour is sooooo off putting.

Surely the way to play the dating "game" is to not seem too keen too early?

I by no means have my emotional shit together, and I like to be in a relationship, but this sort of thing puts me right off someone. I feel the creeps coming on.

I think bloody great klaxons should be going off, tbh.

Too much, too soon, too fast, tmi.

Be very very very wary.

Listen to your gut here OP. This is not the one for you.

I would be running as far away as possible here. Too damaged. That's not a "nice" thing to say but I think it's true in this case. The clinginess is understandable given his background, but that's for him to work on not you. Go on your other date.

@piddocktrumperiness honestly you are screwed, because his behaviour doesn't match what you wanted but still you continue.

You have a huge feeling this is wrong and the reason you are here but again you have excuses as why you should continue.

This is major live bombing, and he will show you that he is listening to you but only got short times. He wants a loving relationship for Christmas, he falls hard and then gets bored and leaves.

I don't know how many times I've heard from men and women that they've never told people their secrets - dude needs a therapist not a GF.

I went out with a guy just like this, he now has two dc by two women and he hasn't seen our dc in a year because I won't do all the back and forth ride or die crap.
I got flowers, necklace, love memes, talked for 3 hours at night, days out, everything you could want but his emails and ex gf prove that he not only acted the same with us all but he bought us the same gifts.

Listen I say this out if concern not judgement, you should run, these sorts of men find a way of making you the man guy when they leave you broken and confused.

Are you enjoying his company? If you are - continue.

You sound strong enough not to be manipulated into 'owing' him anything for this period of getting to know each other.

Going forwards is always going to be a risk but emotional hearts are strong. As you know, if things go wrong and you might be hurt -but you will recover. You've done it before.

Nothing ventured...

This guy sounds like a disaster in the making. He’s already trying to create debts that you will be expected to pay back. He’s graciously decided not to have sex with you yet, as if it’s his decision; he’s made a big deal of telling you he’s canceled his date, which will turn into ‘I brushed off other women for you’; he’s told you various stories about his past that may or may not be true, which has already turned into, ‘but I’ve told you all these things about myself, how could you question our relationship after that?’

He’s a big red flashing NO.

Also, you’ve posted on here because he makes you feel weird and you say yourself you’re not really feeling a spark. Why are you even bothering then? You don’t owe a man a chance at a relationship just because he bestows his attentions on you. You are entitled to decide with whom you spend your time.