Is this love bombing or is this man just keen and knows what he wants?

[piddocktrumperiness]

I matched with a guy on Friday on Tinder, went for an impromptu walk that afternoon- he was pleasant enough and we found out we had been under each others noses all these years (went to the same schools, same college, lived in the same neighbourhood). I didn't have any other plans that evening, so accepted his second date request for a coffee.

He shared a lot of personal information about his very very vulnerable past claiming he couldn't believe he's telling me this, but felt compelled to. We had a third date on the Saturday and again it was pleasant. I felt no spark but I never really have so I tend to keep my guard and let them grow on me type of thing. If the date was overall pleasant with no major red flags, I go on another to double check.

He messages a lot-alot. He texts in the morning, tells me the thought of me makes him smile. We talk for hours on the phone, and ask each other questions ( we have lots in common it seems- our answers are nearly always the same). He said that he is an all in or all out type of guy, and that he spend several years single to learn more about what he likes and doesn't and would rather be single than in the wrong relationship- but he feels something special is brewing between us and that he'd like to give it a real shot. He said he felt a spark and some butterflies on the first date and was buzzing ever since. He has also said he is willing to get off the app and focus on seeing where this goes- intense!

I told him to calm down, that I take things super slow, at my own pace that I have been hurt before, so I am very cautious and petty skeptical and that men talk the talk- I look for actions and for actions to match the words. I told him to stop idealising me, as he doesn't know me yet. I told him that asking me to make a decision to take things forward after 24 hrs is intense and I won't do it ( I think he may have been a little hurt when I told him I had a date arranged for a while, for later in the week- he said he cancelled the dates he had) He has said that he isn't intense, or doesn't mean to come across like that, but that he genuinely feels something special and is very excited about it and that he thinks all the similarities, the fact we were under each others noses, same schooling, all of it are signs that we were aligned and supposed to meet each other- for a reason.This all to me sounds like major love bombing run away territory. He has also said he wants me to keep my guard up so that he can prove he is sincere and that he can earn my trust. He said he wants to build a fulfilling long lasting relationship that is built on friendship, however long it takes, so he's willing to take sex off the table ( however difficult it is for him) for as long as I want- because he wants to get to know me, for me.

I have been semi love bombed before- they get exhausted after a few weeks, it's never the lavish gifts or anything but it's the over promising and under delivering, the compliments, and the verbal affection- so I am always skeptical. Most men I date don't put half as much effort and most certainly don't know what they want. However, through our long conversations, this guy comes across as having his head screwed on well, his values and outlook on life are similar to mine, which makes me a bit pissed off that he is so intense like this.

I guess I'd like to know if from any of your experiences, do men know from the first date that they found someone special? Can they come across intense but from a good place? I can't figure out if he really is love bombing me or if he is a hopeless romantic.

@wewereliars

I have food in the fridge older than whatever this relationship is, and you seem to know his entire life story. I would give him a huge swerve. I think he sounds very manipulative

This is so funny .... and I bet the hummus is better company and less threatening.

Seriously OP - seems you have done some work to understand RS after a previous bad experience - so you have the theory - but you are ignoring your own gut here and trying to JADE (justify argue defend explain) your own unsettled feelings with compromising thoughts. You might well be extremely vulnerable to someone like this.

Military background... troubled family life... constantly texting... I’ve met a few of them! My advice is run. Or if you think he could be the exception to the rule, proceed with ultimate caution, stay in control and go slow.

No. Just NO. Read what @Cattlegrid has to say a few times, it is very wise.
Even if these was a tiny chance his feelings were genuine and non-sinister, any normal guy would know to keep these feelings to himself for now and give you time to get to know him better.
If I were you I would be enormously annoyed at anyone who presumed to know me so well that they wanted a serious relationship with me when they don’t yet know me at all. I agree with PPs saying he is probably mirroring you to appear to have loads in common, whether he is doing it consciously or not.
The fact that you posted on here means you know there is something wrong. Run for the hills, it will get worse not better. Besides, if you really liked him you would know by now. Don’t waste anymore time on this sinister weirdo.

Asking for trouble with this one

I'd run for the hills. He claims to have spent years being single and knows exactly what he wants so him being intense might not be just because of you, that might just be how he is going into any relationship. If he feels he is at his peak performance relationship wise and is being this forward, overbearing and self-centred, that's just who he is, and you can't change it.

His reply to you bringing up your concerns seemed like he was doing you a favour, that's not how it should be. It's like he's saying 'I'll temporarily calm down but the second you get comfortable around me I'll amp it up and you'll feel trapped'. OP I'd be very wary and if I were you, I'd end it here.

He seems very immature and the single years would concern me as it suggests he could've been a serial dater, being dumped because he was too intense and love bombed everyone he dated. There isn't a single thing about him that seems good. The only things you have in common are coincidences, that doesn't mean he's right for you.

I'd be wary too. If he's real he'll wait and he'll go at your pace. This kind of "alignment" talk is ringing a massive bell!

I met someone like this quite quickly after coming out of a long term relationship. He swept me off my feet almost, everything was perfect and 'meant to be', he text me all day every day, called me when I was driving until we got to each other, over complimented, over agreed with everything I said. After being in a relationship that had completely fizzled out, where we didn't pay much attention to each other and agreed on absolutely nothing my 'lovebomber' made me think that this is how I should have been treated!

He was actually too perfect and too full on and reflecting on what was possibly the most turbulent and exhausting year of my life, I knew that something wasn't right I just really struggled to verbalise it.

He quite quickly became controlling, didn't like me wearing certain things when I was out without him, didn't like me being out with friends, wanted to know who I was speaking to, opened my phone and messages when I was asleep (and denied it when I would say 'I'm sure I never opened that text' he would say 'you must have done it half asleep!'. We spent every night together as that's what he wanted to do, but if he wanted to go out and turn his phone off that was fine.

I really began to suspect he was having other relationships, he became very bored of me very fast, the sex stopped, he didn't tell me things anymore and he just became extremely disinterested. I would cry and he would tell me I was making it all up in my head. He made me feel really stupid and the whole relationship he really portrayed me to be a crazed, paranoid woman on a mission to find evidence of cheating that had never happened. It did happen. I found a ridiculous amount of images, conversations, subscriptions. Some porn paid for, some images of younger girls from his work, conversations with them about wanting them but he had to be with me. It was absolutely sickening.

Sorry it's so long, but I found that this guy who had fallen so fast and smothered me, turned out to be one of the worst and most damaging people I had met. I would run personally. I'm a few years on now, my partner didn't smother me, infact he made me question wether that was normal (it is!), let's face it nobody wants to know every single detail about your day! Your guy may not be like this atall, just me perception of these people!

Even if he feels strongly for you (and I think it is possible to feel strong connection quite quickly, for some people) he ought to be mature enough to keep it to himself for the time being, until some time has elapsed and until you show signs of reciprocating it. Anything else is a bit bat-shit to be honest.

He is crazy.

He sounds like a nightmare.

1. it's been 5 days.
2. he's 'willing to take sex off the table'. How magnanimous of him. I agree with pp that he's setting this up as a great sacrifice. Do you normally feel obligated to sleep with men you are dating before you feel comfortable doing so? Why does he seem to think he's bestowing some special gift by not pressuring you already?
3. not having regular time with the daughter because she has a new baby sister - how does that make sense?

I felt no spark but I never really have
So have all your relationships come from friends-only territory?
Nothing at all wrong with that, creates a firm basis but have you never fell quickly for someone or just outright fancied them?
Is the guy attractive (objectively)?
Not sure whether he is sincere or not but how old is he? Old enough to realise that being overkeen can be offputting.
You sound like you have your head screwed on. If you just don't have chemistry with the guy though I wouldn't bother pursuing it.

How secure are your social media settings? You say he volunteered information first that lead you to see connections. Seems too much of a coincidence given all the other classic love bombing.

Thank you everyone- I am going to end it with him.

I've never really had a spark with someone. The only time I felt something close was very early in my dating phase. I couldn't stop smiling when the date was over, felt light and I swear my face was glowing- any acne disappeared, and when talking into the night prior to the date, I had the best sleep I had had in a while; my hair was healthy and I had so much energy. I don't know what he did to me. After that date I really wanted to see him again, and he ghosted me. Never really felt like that with any other man I spoke to or dated since. Perhaps on a subconscious level I'm translating sparks to unsustainable and inevitable pain.

However, my friends have said that they felt something on the first 2 dates, a spark or flicker or burn or whatever and I've not had that. I came out of a long abusive marriage and have been dating for 3 years, one of which was a situationship (unbeknownst to me). So I think I was taking the advice of many, to get out there and meet people and don't be too picky, see how things go, give them a chance, you never know etc.

I wasn't sure whether I should hold out for a spark with someone, that becomes my best friend, one that I would fancy, or whether I'm just being naive- that sparks and friendship exist only for a few.

For the PP's that mentioned that I am justifying- you are absolutely right. I grew up witnessing so many different types of relationships around me (friends and family); some built on childhood friendship, some through hardship, some through crazy coincidence and fate, some that should have ended but they made it work, some through instant lust and attraction that stood the test of time. Others through very long distance, that worked, some from the first swipe right on Tinder, and others from a one night stand that grew into a loving relationship. So hearing all those stories makes me wonder what way will mine show up? Is he really being that crazy all things considered?

Ultimately though, my mind and gut are conflicted. My gut has sometimes reacted in fear- and I know that that may be from past hurtful experience, or my ego trying to protect me from change. It may be because things are different, and unfamiliar. The familiar to me, is a man showing effort for a few months, until I feel safe and comfortable with him, for him to change his tune, breadcrumb me, and stoke my insecurities- so I start attaching to them. Still working on that.

@MistletoeandMoccasins He's 40, I'd say he's objectively attractive-cute rather than handsome- He's 5"6 and has dimples.

I am so grateful for this site and for this thread. So much shared wisdom and insight that I wish I had stumbled across many years ago.

@DownTownAbbey
I am not active on social media :)

@sallyanne33

I’d be wary of this. It feels quite needy and possibly sinister, would be a turn off for me. But you’ve told him to stop and calm down so I guess the test will be whether he respects that or keeps on being OTT, then you’ll know he’s nuts and can bin him off. It does sound like he’s idealising you, he really doesn’t know you at all at this point. Maybe meet him again and see how it unfolds, hopefully he will chill out. Don’t let him come over though, you don’t want him to know where you live until you’re sure you’ve got the measure of him. Also, one thing that jumped out for me was ‘he’s willing to take sex off the table however hard it is for him’, that seems a bit presumptuous of him, surely it’s also for you to decide whether sex is on the table or not?

Absolutely this.

I would red flag his assumption that he's so willing to make a huge sacrifice not to have sex with you -and oh so hard it is for him to do this -that makes me run for the hills -surely it is your choice and therefore shouldn't be hard for him or him playing hard done by -idiot. Or does he not mind having sex with someone as it's easy. He sounds VERY VERY intense, I'd worry. See if he listens and stops.

@piddocktrumperiness that’s good to hear that you’re going to end it. You don’t have to explain to him, just wish him the best and you don’t have to do it in person either. Maybe be prepared for him continuing to contact you, don’t be shy of telling him to stop contacting you or of blocking him.

You sound like you are healthily thinking about relationships and learning from your experiences. The relationships board is really useful, have a read through and people give great perspective and links to resources.

@piddocktrumperiness that's great news. I'm really glad you have made the healthiest choice. Dating is fucking tough, I know. Let us know how it takes it. ❤️

I'd be inclined to tell him you'd like to be just friends and get to know each other;use covid as an excuse;tell him you don't want to get up close and very personal or have him in your home until you feel it's safe to do so.

Tread carefully.

@piddocktrumperiness

Actually I've just read one of your updates where you said he's got 2 kids by 2 different women;add in the love bombing too......well fuck that;run,run as fast and as far as you can.

Given the length of time you’ve known him and concerns for your personal emotional/physical well-being - I would actually suggest you ghost him.

I think you're right to step back from this one. I honestly wish I'd had Mumsnet 10 years ago when I met my ex. Reading your post sounded just like how we met, and I sometimes think people like this do target people who are single parents/have self esteem issues/have suffered previous trauma. My ex turned out to be a monster.

You'll know for sure when you tell him that you don't want another date. If he tries to persuade/cajole/argue then you know you were right to walk away.

Your gut is right and you are now listening to it with your actions well done.

Him graciously taking sex off the table on day 5 shows how deluded, entitled and arrogant he really is.

Thanks everyone- I've sent him a message.

His reply:

"I genuinely am taken aback. I’m not sure I could ever have done more to have been transparent with you.
Of course I respect your decision
It was truly lovely spending some time with you and I really do wish you the best too. You’re a wonderful person and when you find someone they will genuinely be the luckiest guy on earth."

Why do I feel like shit

I really hope he respects your boundaries and doesn't keep badgering you.

You feel shit because you're a kind person, who doesn't like hurting others. But he will be fine, men like him move on to the next woman within the blink of an eye.

You've definitely done the right thing. ❤️