Shaking from DP squaring up to me

[Panicking40609]

Posting in aibu for traffic, I’m sorry

I’m shaking. Argument with DP just happened, I was being passive aggressive cleaning up because he’s passing out, can’t even sit up straight because he’s drunk again. He started drinking wine at 8am this morning. We’re in the process of him moving in with me so during said argument he was packing things to leave.

He just snapped and squared up to me, I told him not to and asked him not to make the argument worse by bringing violence into it. (He has admitted hitting ex in the past). I genuinely thought he was going to hit me, I was mentally preparing for it. In the end I pushed him away and he just picked up his stuff and left.

I’ve locked the door but I’m shaking. I was so scared he would hurt my pets.

Don’t give in to his sob story, he’s a violent alcoholic, why was he even moving in?

I wouldn’t be handing the dog over either, you thought he might hurt your pets, maybe he’ll hurt his?

Why on earth would you want this man in your life/home?

A violent drunk is not the type of partner you need...

As pps have said -his texts are all about HIM. What HE wants. Absolute classic abuser's script.

I was too cowed in the end to even call the police, someone else did when he was being aggressive and threatening in a car park.

You've done the first bit, he's out, you have your key back. Arrange for a friend to take any possessions and his dog back. You don't have to see him ever again.

If he is getting wankered on wine at 8 am in the “golden honeymoon stage” and thinks nothing wrong in hitting, then it could get a lot worse.

Please don’t make my mistake and end it before it does.

OP, imagine your friend telling you that she is letting an aggressive drunk move into her house and that he has already threatened her. What would you be telling her?

He may be sorry, he may want to change, but actions speak larger than words. He needs to stop drinking and get anger therapy. I doubt very much he will do either of those things.

Why would you want to live with him in fear that he might hit you? Do you want to bring children into a violent relationship? What if he hurts them too?

Some women are trapped for years in violent relationships, unable to leave. You have the chance now to stop it before it begins.

Stay strong, block him, return the dog with a friend for backup.

There was a woman in a nearby town who left her husband due to his violence. He wheedled his way back in and he later murdered her and her best friend. Don't be that woman.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

Firstly report this to the police and continue with the Claire's law request.

Explain to the police that you have his dog and you'd like them there when he comes to collect it.

He's clearly got a substantial drinking problem and questionable history. Please don't return to this man and this life. You deserve better.

He's not only violent, but a drinker too. He isn't ready for a relationship and there is a LOT of work to do before he is (if that will ever happen). You deserve better. One thing I've learnt over the years is men who are overly romantic and makes lots of romantic promises and gestures usually have a lot of bad behaviour to cover up by doing so. Don't fall for it - they are like this because they are unstable or are bullies that need you more than you need them, so will say anything to get that support back.

Give it a couple more days of ignoring him and you might find these wonderful texts begin to change mood and will be texts of anger or frustration instead. I was with a guy who drank a lot every weekend, disappeared, gambled and got violent on a couple of occasions when I tried to stop him gambling his wages away. Despite this there were some nice sides to him - we did have fun together, he was funny and boosted my confidence and encouraged me to believe in myself - he wasn't the typical caricature of a drunk who got nasty when I got in the way of his gambling, but the bad sides eventually wore me down and I left him. This may be the case for you. My own behaviour deteriorated to his level too at times (although I never hurt him, it was more voicing my disapproval when he was drunk) and when I left him I became a better person myself. I just wished I listened to everyone sooner - plenty of people told me I was just a mother figure and you should listen to the people on here who have experienced your situation too.

I'm so glad I left. My life is so much more better and I had kids in the end and dread to think what would have happened. Life is full of drama and stress as it is. I'm so glad I don't have to deal with the extra drama of being with someone so drunk, gambling and generally very selfish.

Also, do the Clare's Law request and tell them it is because he threatened you. I doubt very much that he told you the truth.

The 'festive season' is a time when DV is rife. It's already very high because of lockdowns, furlough and WFH.

Don't be a statistic OP.

Jeez, OP. Why would you even slightly want to salvage a relationship with this man? You know there are men out there who aren't violent losers who drink at 8 in the morning, right? Given what he was obviously like before this incident, why were you even considering letting him move in with you? Well done for getting him out, but it sounds like you need to seriously look at your boundaries before getting involved with anyone else.

You mentioned your pets. I'm sure that he will hurt them. He'll hurt them to hurt you if you take him back. It's what he does to his pets, isn't it? Hurts them.

Stay strong- you are doing great.
Don't read his texts, they are just white noise. He is doing all he can to manipulate you.
PLEASE don't give the dog back. Give it to a shelter, a puppy will easily be rehomed. He is not fit to be in charge of a living. vulnerable creature.

In one sense it is good that he has shown his true colours before he moved in with you as if he had moved in completely it would be a lot harder for you to show him the door.
YOU DODGED A BULLET THERE - don't take him back as he will promise you the world but give you nothing but fear.

Why on earth are moving this man into your home. You know he’s been violent to his ex partner. Do you think he won’t be violent to you? You’re deluding yourself.

The safe and only thing to do is end your relationship. He’s shown you last night what you’ve got coming.

OP, for future. If you feel the need to do a Clare’s Law request, 1) don’t cancel because he tells you his side of the story and 2) don’t get involved with someone who has a history of domestic violence.

I’d go so far as to say don’t get involved with anyone who you feel the need to do a Clare’s Law request on.

Stay strong. If you let him back into your life, it WILL escalate. Letting him back in could well be the start of ending your life at his hands.

Ok you know now that you've been really, really foolish.

You never give even a moment of your time to a man who has been violent. Ever.

You've had a really lucky escape (I truly hope it IS going to be an escape) because he's volatile enough to have shown you pretty early on.

He started to 'relax' out of best behaviour mode once his suitcases were safely in. That's the bottom line. Thankfully it didn't take long for the real colours to show.

The reason his previous GF ended up getting hit is because she will also have been a nice, softy person and she listened to and believed all the promises and sorrys you are getting now and let him back in.

Same for all the hundreds of threads I've seen on here where it's always, always the same story. He promised. He cried. He was so sorry. He came out with all the stuff you'd always wanted him to say. Used all the triggers like I want children with you/I just want to be with you/want a family/want to build a home. All the stuff that is designed to make you think 'He must get it, that's exactly how I feel too'.

Nope. What all that tells you - all the things he's texting now - is that he's a clever manipulator who knows what buttons to press and his aim is simply to get back in. Oh he might believe it for himself for a minute. But the next time he feels 'angry' or 'not listened to' then no, he isn't going to be thinking 'But this is the person I love and want babies with' - he's going to just be thinking 'I'm going to smash that bitch's face in' because that's the person he is.

Never never ever ever give a moment of your time to a man who has ever ever been violent to a partner. They are scum. They do it because they are scummy men who you avoid, no matter how much they dress it up as a 'mistake' it is not. It is a mistake that a decent person doesn't make because it would never be in them. It is that black and white.

Hi there OP,
We just wanted to say that we've moved your thread to our Relationships section, and to link you to our Relationships content page.
Have a wee look, there are general articles on there but you might see that we have an piece on Coercive Control that might ring some bells for you.
There's also the Freedom Programme, if you contact them they can let you see their resources, which are very good at helping women to re-orientate ourselves when we have become mixed up with someone who isn't good for us.
We're sorry you're finding yourself in this predicament, OP, you're not the first and unfortunately you won't be the last. We're sending some virtual and a for a bit of comfort.
We hope you're doing okay and feeling strong this morning. x

I'm going to say the same as the majority. Block him. I'll add my story to the others. My EXH first wife told me he hit her. He denied it.
I had a slap round the face before we got married them about 2 years later I was in AE with a broken jaw and a two year old. Now he does it to his current wife. These men don't change. Good luck

I’d block him and keep the dog in case he kills it. It’s textbook abuser stuff isn’t it?.

How on earth can he think he’d be a good dad and dh when he hits women?.

He was an animal lover too.

His parents went on holiday and put the dog in kennels. He moved into their house “to look after it while they were away”, took the dog out of the kennels and then didn’t walk it so it pissed and pooed on the kitchen floor.

I’m guessing his dog is with you OP as he can’t get up early enough to toilet it but you can take it out with your dogs.

His ex will have had identical messages from him. Identical promises and expressions of remorse.

If you must reply tell him after he brings you a certificate of having completed an anger management course AND a year sober affirmed by eg AA you'll talk. But other than actual evidence of these promises, no way.

Mind you I'm clutching at straws here, I would absolutely agree with PPs that he's a danger to you and you need to hold firm and keep him away from you. Good luck

Please take the dog to a Rescue Centre, OP. He has no problem squaring up to, and hitting, 'his' women; he'll have no problem kicking a dog. You have a choice - it doesn't.
You say it's a pup - please don't condemn it to a life of fear and aggression - you know what happens to dogs when they are subjected to that.

I don't care where he got it from - take it to a rescue and tell them what's happened.

And stay safe - stay away from this human piece of shit.

Oh please don't let him back in your life.

I've lived this story and it didn't end well. In fact it got so much worse.

Finally I saw the light and kicked him out. I kept our 3 dogs too. No way I'd let someone who is extremely violent take an animal out of my house. Infact the final straw for me was when he tried to hurt me in front of one of the dogs and it stepped in to protect me. He picked up a knife and said he was going to stab my dog. I told him I'd kill him if he did. And I meant it. It flicked a switch in me and I decided in that moment he was out of my life.