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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Shaking from DP squaring up to me

537 replies

Panicking40609 · 14/12/2020 22:58

Posting in aibu for traffic, I’m sorry

I’m shaking. Argument with DP just happened, I was being passive aggressive cleaning up because he’s passing out, can’t even sit up straight because he’s drunk again. He started drinking wine at 8am this morning. We’re in the process of him moving in with me so during said argument he was packing things to leave.

He just snapped and squared up to me, I told him not to and asked him not to make the argument worse by bringing violence into it. (He has admitted hitting ex in the past). I genuinely thought he was going to hit me, I was mentally preparing for it. In the end I pushed him away and he just picked up his stuff and left.

I’ve locked the door but I’m shaking. I was so scared he would hurt my pets.

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 15/12/2020 09:37

If you forgive him sometime later when your together you'll feel a sense of doom knowing you've committed to accepting his aggressive behaviour. The volume of text messages proved how persistent he is and how he blames everything.

Toilenstripes · 15/12/2020 09:39

@ptumbi

Please take the dog to a Rescue Centre, OP. He has no problem squaring up to, and hitting, 'his' women; he'll have no problem kicking a dog. You have a choice - it doesn't. You say it's a pup - please don't condemn it to a life of fear and aggression - you know what happens to dogs when they are subjected to that. I don't care where he got it from - take it to a rescue and tell them what's happened.

And stay safe - stay away from this human piece of shit.

Yes, please take the dog to a rescue centre, preferably one that isn’t rehoming during the holidays. Give that sweet pup a chance at a good life.
ReetDortyLass · 15/12/2020 09:44

I've been forty odd years in veterinary OP and I have seen a high number of non accidental injuries through this sort of behaviour. If for no other reason than you are risking your critters, don't consider letting him back.

I know he had no where to be at 8am drinking but is that the criteria? I would look askance at my closest frined who is a functioning alkie starting at eight O clock in the morning!

Let this man's actions speak to you and not his words. he has hit a previous woman. Why offer yourself up as part of his rehabilitation?

ReetDortyLass · 15/12/2020 09:45

Oh yes and analyse what he puts in the texts rather than just reading them. He is self pitying, minimising and defensive. All classic stuff.

LittleTiger007 · 15/12/2020 09:45

Clearly you love him - but this man is broken and it’s not your job to fix him. It will break you if you try.
For both of your sakes you need to leave this man. He needs help and you do not need a violent drunk in your life - ever!
I hope you have support @Panicking40609.
Stay strong. Do not let him back in your life. Flowers

MzHz · 15/12/2020 09:46

@Panicking40609

Just to answer some questions/ update.

He’s on furlough hence not having places to be at 8am.

I woke up to plenty of texts throughout the night. I slept in my house with my pets and his dog. I’m unsure where he is. It appears he didn’t sleep. Texts are all about how he was excited about the thought of marriage and kids for the first time with me , he’s sorry etc

He’s future faking you.

He’s an awful choice as a partner, he will hit you, and the mental damage of living with a man like him even when he’s not hitting you will scar you.

He’s out, make him stay out and end this relationship today.

Zero tolerance and zero take back.

cheesecrack · 15/12/2020 09:48

Wow. You've done the right thing. No second chances.

bathsh3ba · 15/12/2020 09:48

Do not move in with this man.

If he admits he hit his ex, it's likely he did more than just hit her. Abusive men always minimise and from what you have said, he definitely sounds like he is an abusive man.

rumandbiscuits · 15/12/2020 09:56

I was going to mention Claire's law to you op I definitely think you should look into it as i wouldn't trust entirely what he has told you to be true. I'm sorry you are going through this and glad you have confided in a friend. Make sure you keep speaking to your friend and be honest about what is going on. I think you know deep down that he is clearly abusive and moving in with him won't end well for you (or your pets by the sound of things). Drinking at 8am because he's on furlough isn't a reason to be drinking at 8am and definitely shows he has a problem with alcohol. I really hope you are ok today and feeling strong enough not to listen to his excuses. If you do give in to him though (this isn't uncommon for someone to be sucked back in to an abusive persons life) please don't feel ashamed to come back on here and speak to us about it or to your friend. It's important that you keep talking. Sending you love and strength.

OHolyTights · 15/12/2020 10:06

Please take extra care of your personal safety OP. Breaking up with a man like this can be a time of increased risk.

lucywho123 · 15/12/2020 10:07

My DF is an alcoholic OP. He was a wonderful Father, a terrible terrible Husband to my poor DM. She left him eventually. He has promised us all for the last 20 years he will stop drinking, each time he's horrible or abusive - as we now pick up the pieces of these episodes. Your DP will never stop drinking. Get out now.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 15/12/2020 10:08

Please escape now, OP.

Topseyt · 15/12/2020 10:11

Please keep him out and give him no more chances. If you were making a Claire's Law request you must have had an inkling anyway that something was amiss. He then confirmed that he had hit an ex partner. That is just what he told you but there could be much, much more that he hasn't mentioned.

Keep him out now. He won't change and it will escalate. Keep the dog too or he might kill it in a fit of temper. He certainly won't look after it carefully given that he is a violent alcoholic.

If you are unable to give the dog a permanent home then contact a rescue centre. If you are unsure of the legalities regarding possession of the dog then your local authority's Animal Warden is there to advise.

He is a terrible partner and a wholly unfit dog owner. In every sense of it.

MrsBobDylan · 15/12/2020 10:12

I know it feels like love but it isn't really op. Look up the definition - it doesn't mention anything about being pissed from 8am in the morning and hitting people.

He doesn't love you and what you feel for him isn't love. In your shoes I would start therapy to try and understand (and break) the feelings that led you to move in with this man.

EarthSight · 15/12/2020 10:13

He has admitted hitting ex in the past

This would have been an instant goodbye from me, no matter how nice he would have appeared and it would have broken my heart. Don't take a risk like this again. It's too dangerous for women to believe a man has changed if he was previously violent. I hope you don't take him back. Tell the police.

EarthSight · 15/12/2020 10:15

Also, I think there's a pretty strong link I think between violence and alcohol, so please do not go out with someone, don't take the risk if they're a heavy drinker.

Seatime · 15/12/2020 10:15

His behaviour is not loving. He is incapable of love, he is a violent alcoholic. Make a nice home for you and your pets. You don't deserve to be abused.

myhobbyisouting · 15/12/2020 10:17

Christ. Why do you love him? What is there to love about someone who abuses his partners? He's an absolute scumbag

CrazyToast · 15/12/2020 10:21

@TenShortStories

He might be lying, he might be genuinely horrified by his behaviour and desperately sorry.

It doesn't actually matter which one it is though - violence that is calculated and violence that comes as part of an emotional outburst that is later regretted are both just as dangerous to you.

This. He might even mean it. He might be really horrified and sorry. But that doesn't matter. He will do it again, you know he will, as soon as he drinks or gets angry or put under pressure.

You can even feel sorry for him OP, and forgive him in your heart if you want to, but don't let him back with you because he will hurt you. And OMG if anyone even looked at my pets wrongly.

I'm so happy you are being strong, massive massive well done.

CorianderQueen · 15/12/2020 10:25

I would do the Claire's law now. Clearly he wanted to stop you from looking into it so told the 'truth'.

He says he hit her, the law may claim he did much more/worse.

DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 15/12/2020 10:25

Why the fuck would anyone in their right mind want a man who starts drinking at 8am and is violent towards his partners? He doesn't yet live with you? Well don't fucking let him! Get rid! Now!

AdoraBell · 15/12/2020 10:28

Do you have a smart phone? On iPhone you can set up a bedtime routine, select a start and finish time, and that stops alerts during that time. So if he’s texting or calling you overnight it won’t wake you up.

If you can get the puppy to a shelter that might be better. Definitely better for the dog, depends how he will react to that.

tsmainsqueeze · 15/12/2020 10:29

I really hope you are not going to become one of the many women on mumsnet who take back the monster of a man " because they love him".
You are being given so much wise advice on here ,especially from women who really know what a life with violence is like .
Please listen , don't waver , you now know without a shadow of a doubt what your future would hold with this man .

beavisandbutthead · 15/12/2020 10:31

Agree with others - do a claires law as I think you will find out the full truth. He has minimised what he did yesterday and have no doubt he has done the same with his past. Your vulnerable to listening to him atm

BertieBotts · 15/12/2020 10:33

Sorry if someone has already suggested this. Could you get a mutual friend/family member to pick up the dog? I don't want you to have to be face to face with him. They are also very manipulative and will say absolutely anything to get you to agree to a second (third, fourth, twentieth) chance.

It's only words. If he wanted to stop drinking, he would do it. Not as a last resort to get you back.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft?