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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Shaking from DP squaring up to me

537 replies

Panicking40609 · 14/12/2020 22:58

Posting in aibu for traffic, I’m sorry

I’m shaking. Argument with DP just happened, I was being passive aggressive cleaning up because he’s passing out, can’t even sit up straight because he’s drunk again. He started drinking wine at 8am this morning. We’re in the process of him moving in with me so during said argument he was packing things to leave.

He just snapped and squared up to me, I told him not to and asked him not to make the argument worse by bringing violence into it. (He has admitted hitting ex in the past). I genuinely thought he was going to hit me, I was mentally preparing for it. In the end I pushed him away and he just picked up his stuff and left.

I’ve locked the door but I’m shaking. I was so scared he would hurt my pets.

OP posts:
awwkkwwaard · 15/12/2020 08:36

How can you possibly 'love' someone when you are waiting for them to hit you? You have a VERY warped idea of love...

Original poster
Panicking40609 · 15/12/2020 08:38

Just to answer some questions/ update.

He’s on furlough hence not having places to be at 8am.

I woke up to plenty of texts throughout the night. I slept in my house with my pets and his dog. I’m unsure where he is. It appears he didn’t sleep. Texts are all about how he was excited about the thought of marriage and kids for the first time with me , he’s sorry etc

OP posts:
MaMaD1990 · 15/12/2020 08:38

In terms of his dog, can you drop it to his front door (preferably with a big male friend with you!) so he isn't near your property and you have control of leaving when you want? If he comes to get the dog he has more or a chance of talking you round or even getting in your house and not leaving. Sorry you are in this situation but you've done the right thing so far in deciding the relationship is over. Please stick with the decision!

LaceyBetty · 15/12/2020 08:40

OP, I am so sorry this has happened. I can imagine the heartbreak. But please, don't go any further down the line with this man. It will get nothing but worse as he gets more comfortable. This is not a person to be building a life with. Way to dangerous for you. So sorry.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 15/12/2020 08:40

Hope you’re doing ok this morning OP. You’re doing the right thing, but worth making a police report so they can give advice, flag your address should anything happen and so it is recorded should a future partner make a Claire’s law request.

LaceyBetty · 15/12/2020 08:42

@awwkkwwaard

How can you possibly 'love' someone when you are waiting for them to hit you? You have a VERY warped idea of love...
How is this helpful? Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a rock bottom situation like this for someone to realise they aren't with the person they thought they were with. Can't you imagine how heartbreaking that would be?
Clarich007 · 15/12/2020 08:42

FGS don't weaken and let him back in.

Original poster
Panicking40609 · 15/12/2020 08:43

Sorry was going to add. I was in the process of making a Claires law request when first together but didn’t follow through since he told me what happened.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 15/12/2020 08:43

Time to stop reading his texts. Send him one telling him where to pick up his dog (can you take it to a third party?) then block him. Doesn't have to be permanent but you need to stop reading his hoovering messages.

CodenameVillanelle · 15/12/2020 08:44

@Panicking40609

Sorry was going to add. I was in the process of making a Claires law request when first together but didn’t follow through since he told me what happened.
I'm not saying this to be cruel but why didn't you end it when he told you? Why did you think that what he told you was the whole truth? Have you been in an abusive relationship before?
cherryblossomx3 · 15/12/2020 08:46

It probably doesn't feel like it now but it will be a relief to have this man out of your life. They do not get better, they get worse.

And, if you do end up getting pulled back in, whatever you do, do not have a baby with this man. Would be beyond selfish to bring a child into the world with a father like that.

Good luck OP - you really don't need him.

WitchOfTheWest · 15/12/2020 08:49

@Panicking40609

Sorry was going to add. I was in the process of making a Claires law request when first together but didn’t follow through since he told me what happened.
I'd go ahead with that. Chances are he's minimised what happened. And there may be other women/ex's he's hit too.
crochetmonkey74 · 15/12/2020 08:50

I know you know this OP but PLEASE get out- it's hard and heart breaking now but with more time it will be worse not better and harder to leave - get a third party to help you (mine was my sister) she took over my phone to do all the logistics and deleted his messages when they came in

diddl · 15/12/2020 08:52

Even without him hitting ex & now "squaring up" to you, I can't fathom why you would want to be with someone who regularly drinks so much that they pass out.

So glad that you have ended it.

Backtotheplanetofthegrapes · 15/12/2020 08:54

He said his ex was highly strung and when they disagreed, neither would back down so ended up hitting or kicking each other. It was framed that she was the unreasonable one. Oh it was just her I thought, unlucky him for his ex to be headstrong.

If only I had dumped him then and there it would have saved so much grief. He is still ranting away on social media 20 years later. Funny how he always got my name slightly wrong as a mild put-down then but spells it exactly right now when he rants.

pringlebells · 15/12/2020 08:54

End it, remove him from your life

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 15/12/2020 08:55

The reality here is that if he were truly horrified and disgusted and ready to change after threatening you, he would have done these things after he hit his ex. He obviously didn't change after that - his promises of changing now are worthless.

Every time he calls it a once off, a silly mistake or a drunken episode remember that he has done this before. He's done this before and he'll do it again.

Arrange for a friend to return any belongings and block him, you dont need to suffer through his excuses.

candycane222 · 15/12/2020 08:57

I don't like the way he refers to you as "mine" in his messages. You aren't his, you belong to yourself.

I suspect he might start to feel angry soon the you have taken his pissi - you - away from him.

And just remember, you own yourself. You are not hurting him by protecting yourself permanently from his violence.

He has done the hurting, of both of you. He did it.

If he loved you, he'd want you permanently protected from all violence. But he doesn't love you, he thinks he owns you, which is different.

took15years · 15/12/2020 08:57

I had this and it took 15 years of hurt, both emotionally and physically to me and my DC to get out. If only I had finished it the first time he squared up to me...

candycane222 · 15/12/2020 08:57

Pissi????? Possession!!!! Blush

Gilead · 15/12/2020 08:57

I got told that it was all a set up. I wish I’d walked then. There are things I’m unable to do now after 23 years of abuse.
Stay strong.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 15/12/2020 08:59

You explain the drinking as if it's ok because he's on furlough. It's not at all normal. That on itself should be enough. He's a violent alcoholic.

Get rid but please work on your own boundaries and self worth.

Is he fit to look after his dog too?

Milliepossum · 15/12/2020 09:01

OP, please don’t take him back, otherwise you will be shaking with fear and anxiety every day, walking on eggshells in case something you do or say sets him off. You should want better for yourself. Being single is better than being abused.

TinySongstress · 15/12/2020 09:03

I won't harp on about it but this was me. Moving in with a new fella, saw flashes of his temper but never with me......until it was, and I'd let my house out and only been there a fortnight and he had his hands around my neck.

I stayed up all night, packed my things, left at first light and never went back.
I was sad for the loss of the life we could have had, but never for him. What was seen could not be unseen. It died in that moment.

FourDecades · 15/12/2020 09:05

OP - what are you going to do?