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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Shaking from DP squaring up to me

537 replies

Panicking40609 · 14/12/2020 22:58

Posting in aibu for traffic, I’m sorry

I’m shaking. Argument with DP just happened, I was being passive aggressive cleaning up because he’s passing out, can’t even sit up straight because he’s drunk again. He started drinking wine at 8am this morning. We’re in the process of him moving in with me so during said argument he was packing things to leave.

He just snapped and squared up to me, I told him not to and asked him not to make the argument worse by bringing violence into it. (He has admitted hitting ex in the past). I genuinely thought he was going to hit me, I was mentally preparing for it. In the end I pushed him away and he just picked up his stuff and left.

I’ve locked the door but I’m shaking. I was so scared he would hurt my pets.

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 15/12/2020 07:01

Who actually wants an argument??

Sending love an strength this morning OP.

jeaux90 · 15/12/2020 07:04

He wasn't just in your face. He was being aggressive and intimidating. If my OH did that it would be game over.

I know you are sad but it's normal to feel loss and grief over what you thought you would have, please try and see it that way and a bullet well dodged.

Love and strength to you x

TornadoOfSouls · 15/12/2020 07:11

He will RUIN your life

Yes, or possibly end it.

GarlicMonkey · 15/12/2020 07:21

Call 101 & tell them you'd like a domestic violence disclosure (Clare's Law) on him. Don't move in with him until you have this information.

happinessischocolate · 15/12/2020 07:25

@june2007

Tis is not a healthy relationship but a few things, you admit you were being passive aggresive to a drunk you know has form. And you pushed him.
So you're saying that if your partner gets drunk and you're left to sort everything out you mustn't make passive aggressive comments, and if they square up to you you mustn't push them away you just allow them to continue until they choose to walk away 🤷‍♀️ so basically just pussy foot around him, especially when he's admitted he was looking for an argument (but not a fight) so that's okay. You could also write doormat across your forehead.

OP hope you're feeling better this morning. As another poster said he's not the man you thought he was, and he's made the mistake (thankfully) of revealing himself too soon. If he's like this now it'll only get worse. Get the puppy back to him and then block and ignore, you deserve better than this, we all do Thanks

BritInAus · 15/12/2020 07:26

Seriously? He is a violent drunk. Why on earth would the OP move in with him, disclosure or no disclosure?! He’s shown his true colours.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/12/2020 07:32

I hope you wake up this morning feeling stronger.

At least he was stupid enough to do this before he had moved in properly. He must have been so relaxed, so sure of you and your feelings for him to do this. Or thick as two short planks and desperate for a drink - or, as he says ' just an argument'.

He played his hand too soon. Now you get to reap the rewards... block him. Concentrate on yourself and believing that you don't have to be the one who settles for the broken biscuits! He told you he had hit an ex, if you hear that again, believe the man and drop him instantly!

hugocat · 15/12/2020 07:38

'DP'?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/12/2020 07:40

Dear Partner

www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms

NewlyGranny · 15/12/2020 07:45

Notice how his texts are all about him, and what he wants, and keeping you, as if you were a possession.

It is 100% classic abuser-speak. The man has a problem with alcohol. He has a problem with his attitude to women. Those are two separate problems. The alcohol doesn't come out and abuse you; he uses it to give himself permission to release the anger and violence that are right there inside him all the time.

The insistence that this isn't him is nonsense. There was nobody else in your home with you and it wasn't the puppy. That was him. He doesn't need anger management; he's been managing his anger to get his own way by threatening and hurting women who get close enough to him to be vulnerable to him, that's all. You know he has form for this. The local police will check him on Claire's Law for you if you ask. Tell them what happened and they will advise on keeping yourself safe.

Your local vet knows all about domestic abuse; they are trained to spot pets that have been abused as this is where a lot of abusers begin before working up to hurting people. They may well facilitate getting the puppy back to him without you having to see him at all. It's worth asking.

Make your message about the puppy the last one and don't be replying in the meantime; that just lets him live rent-free in your head.

Lundy Bancroft. "Why Does He Do That?" I think you can read it online.

LaurieFairyCake · 15/12/2020 07:50

Don't give him the dog - violent abusers kill dogs Sad

depopsa · 15/12/2020 07:53

Those messages spell him out clear as day. No introspection, no concern for you and how you're feeling, just me me me and a random barrage of arguments he thinks might get him back through that door. Feeling sad about what was and could have been is normal, but please don't mistake it for thinking you're missing out on something good with him gone. He's just given you a blueprint of what the rest of your life would be.

NewYearNewPlumbing · 15/12/2020 07:57

Oh, goodness OP, how frightening.

The fact is, he has barely got himself over your threshold before making this major step change in his behaviour to you.

All that stuff about how he will stop drinking and go to anger management? No he won’t. He had a huge opportunity to learn from his previous relationship, reflect on his behaviour and stop himself ever threatening a woman again.

But he didn’t.

Yes, the texts are classic abuser. The manipulative guilt trips and refs to cuddles and ‘looking after you’. If he had ANY integrity or actual understanding of what he has done, or respect for you, he would be saying he understands why you want to keep your distance, he respects that, it is all your decision and he will spend 6 months sorting himself out with no expectations on you.

Block him.

Remember how you felt, when you thought he would hit you.

It will happen again, and when he actually hits you, you will think ‘this is my fault, I had my chance to go and I didn’t’.

It isn’t your fault, of course, but that is how abuse works. It takes away your ability to protect yourself.

So block him and put a stop to it now, while you still have possession of yourself.

So sorry OP. It’s hard to lose something you thought you had, and it’s not wrong to feel sad.

It’s good you told friends. Gather those who give you strength around you.

updownroundandround · 15/12/2020 08:02

@Panicking40609

I just wanted to say you've had a lucky escape.

Thank heaven he showed you exactly who he is before you were living with him full time, as you would've had a hell of a problem getting him out again !

Please, please do NOT let him have his puppy back. You said you were scared he would 'hurt your pets', so what do you think he will do to the poor defenceless puppy when he realizes you won't change your mind ? He'll take out his rage on the poor puppy.

If I was you, I'd give the puppy to the RSPCA, telling them why you can't keep it (ex would never leave you alone, demanding dogs' return). At least then you won't need to worry he's abusing the dog because he can't abuse you....................

R3ALLY · 15/12/2020 08:03

Awful for you but bizarrely lucky it happened before he fully moved in. Run, don’t walk away from this . Even if he gets it under control he has a long road ahead of him ... do you want to be entangled in that for years ?

MsTSwift · 15/12/2020 08:07

Deary me showed his hand abit too soon there didn’t he 🙄. Run for the fucking hills

KittenCalledBob · 15/12/2020 08:08

Stay strong OP. You can do this. You know you're right here.

hamstersarse · 15/12/2020 08:12

Sometimes I’m amazed there are still men like this out there. It’s not an unknown to any man in our culture now that you cannot behave like this. It’s not like the 1950’s when it was all brushed under the carpet, there are consequences.

This tells you a lot about him. He still doesn’t care, thinks he’s better than the law and cultural norms.
But more worrying for you, he thinks you are stupid enough to put up with it. Literally.

Are you stupid enough to put up with it?

Serendipity79 · 15/12/2020 08:25

Please don't take him back. I've been where you are but I didn't get the advance warning you had yesterday before he's actually moved in. Violence towards animals is a classic sign of an abuser, so much so that its one of the questions the police ask you on a DV assessment.

Its my belief that abusers don't change. They do conceal their behaviour in order to engage with their next victim but this guy is showing and telling you who he is. He's physically abused his ex, and now he's laid it on thick but his messages are all about him. You cant fix him, and you don't need to feel any sense of guilt about leaving this relationship.

MRex · 15/12/2020 08:30

You must have someone with you to give the dog back. Police would usually prefer to be involved to keep the peace than to pick up the pieces. Call your local station and explain what's happened, then take their advice. They may suggest having a couple of friends take the dog back (pick a couple, then it isn't just one person, alcoholics lie A LOT), or that they are there with you, or that they return the dog and other possessions. Just follow their advice.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/12/2020 08:30

For heaven's sake!

PLEASE don't let him move in with you!

In fact, end this relationship NOW!

He has shown you who he is - believe him.

You fearful yourself, you fear for your pets, he has admitted hitting a woman i the past (and if it's bad enough for him to have admitted it, it must have been pretty bad - more than just a "slap" and that's bad enough).

You have a chance to save yourself. Use it. Don't let him into your home. Do you really think he is sorry? That he will change?

And PLEASE don't give a dog back to a violent drunk. Insist he gave you the dog and it's yours.

MRex · 15/12/2020 08:31

And make a police report while you're at it, it won't help you, but think about the next woman after you and the one after that, who will really need a restraining order. Your report will help them and it's irresponsible not to give it.

CodenameVillanelle · 15/12/2020 08:32

Please stay strong and don't let him creep back in. You know he's violent, he just hasn't hit you YET

Clarich007 · 15/12/2020 08:34

Please, please don't be fooled by his messages.It feels as if you are thinking of giving him another chance.
Be strong and consider this.
If a friend or a sister came to you with this story, how would you react and what would you advise her to do ?
Please don't let him back into your life..He's a loser and it won't get any better.He has shown you very clearly what he is capable of.Give tbe puppy back but don't weaken.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 15/12/2020 08:34

OP try to visualise two scenarios of you in say, 5 years.

  1. You stay strong now, don't allow him back and you move forward. Maybe you're with someone else and in a really happy secure relationship. Maybe you're single and enjoying the freedom to do what you want whenever you want. Either way you're able to look back on this when speaking to your friend and you can say "omg do you remember when I was with that dickhead?!"
  2. You stayed with him, he's still drinking, he's violent, the pets are traumatised. Maybe you have kids and they're terrified. You're isolated from friends and family and its been so long you don't know how to get away from him anymore.

Stay strong. You deserve much much better than this.