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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Shaking from DP squaring up to me

537 replies

Panicking40609 · 14/12/2020 22:58

Posting in aibu for traffic, I’m sorry

I’m shaking. Argument with DP just happened, I was being passive aggressive cleaning up because he’s passing out, can’t even sit up straight because he’s drunk again. He started drinking wine at 8am this morning. We’re in the process of him moving in with me so during said argument he was packing things to leave.

He just snapped and squared up to me, I told him not to and asked him not to make the argument worse by bringing violence into it. (He has admitted hitting ex in the past). I genuinely thought he was going to hit me, I was mentally preparing for it. In the end I pushed him away and he just picked up his stuff and left.

I’ve locked the door but I’m shaking. I was so scared he would hurt my pets.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 15/12/2020 22:02

How can you "love" a drunk who hits women? Have some self respect.

okokok000 · 15/12/2020 22:08

The fact that he is saying you're being moody is worrying and suggests he isn't sorry at all.

AdoraBell · 15/12/2020 22:12

You are not being moody. You are reacting to his aggression. He caused that by brig aggressive.

MzHz · 15/12/2020 22:21

I know people are saying just block but it isn’t that easy.

He squared up to you. You thought he was going to hit you.

He’s hit his ex in the past.

It really has to be that easy, to block him and get him out of your life

You need to save your own life here love. He’s not even got his feet under the proverbial table and he’s showing you he’s violent

This is the man that can kill.

Make no mistake here.

YouokHun · 15/12/2020 22:28

I think I’ve already repressed in my mind how significant what happened was because I feel like I’m over reacting and he’s asking me to stop being moody. I don’t trust my own mind.

Yes @Panicking40609 that’s the gaslighting. To get control of you to the level he needs he first must make you doubt your own reactions, thoughts, beliefs, behaviour, intelligence, view of past events, and your own value. He’s already making some progress with this very typical abuser strategy, hence your confusion.

You are at a sliding doors moment in your life; if you choose to believe him your life is going to look very different; fear, isolation, loss of self, physical and mental pain, maybe even loss of your life; who knows what he is capable of? One thing is for sure, he’s told you he hit a former partner, not in the interests of honesty but because he knows that he has to grab the narrative on that (and minimise it) because you’re going to find out more, either through the grapevine or when he’s harming you on a regular basis but telling you that your moodiness and over reaction have driven him to it. He hopes you won’t ask questions if he’s been ‘honest’ and won’t find out the real truth until you’re trapped. Telling you what he might be capable of is another way of destabilising you while he tells you he’s changed.

Please please talk to someone in real life; let them read this thread. What about the person you told so you wouldn’t give in, can you talk to them? Or call www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/How-can-we-support-you

Just please sit tight. Please block him. Please get real life support. Flowers

and please rehome the dog, don’t give it back to him.

soopedup · 15/12/2020 22:47

You cannot have kids with a violent man. He’s a bad one. If you bend and give in you’re done for. Life over. Come on. You know this.

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 15/12/2020 22:54

@YouokHun

I think I’ve already repressed in my mind how significant what happened was because I feel like I’m over reacting and he’s asking me to stop being moody. I don’t trust my own mind.

Yes @Panicking40609 that’s the gaslighting. To get control of you to the level he needs he first must make you doubt your own reactions, thoughts, beliefs, behaviour, intelligence, view of past events, and your own value. He’s already making some progress with this very typical abuser strategy, hence your confusion.

You are at a sliding doors moment in your life; if you choose to believe him your life is going to look very different; fear, isolation, loss of self, physical and mental pain, maybe even loss of your life; who knows what he is capable of? One thing is for sure, he’s told you he hit a former partner, not in the interests of honesty but because he knows that he has to grab the narrative on that (and minimise it) because you’re going to find out more, either through the grapevine or when he’s harming you on a regular basis but telling you that your moodiness and over reaction have driven him to it. He hopes you won’t ask questions if he’s been ‘honest’ and won’t find out the real truth until you’re trapped. Telling you what he might be capable of is another way of destabilising you while he tells you he’s changed.

Please please talk to someone in real life; let them read this thread. What about the person you told so you wouldn’t give in, can you talk to them? Or call www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/How-can-we-support-you

Just please sit tight. Please block him. Please get real life support. Flowers

and please rehome the dog, don’t give it back to him.

THIS.

You can trust your own mind and you can trust the reactions of everyone on here.

He didn’t even stay ‘sorry’ for a whole day before trying to turn it around and blame it on you.

I know it’s hard to realise he isn’t, and never was, the man he pretended to be, but you’ve seen the reality now. That is who he really is, and that is what your life would be like.

Nothing is worth that.

BMW6 · 15/12/2020 22:55

He says you are being "moody"?

MOODY ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????

FFS

He's a cunt. A violent drunken CUNT.

Ithinkim · 15/12/2020 23:20

He's wearing you down. He'll be back by tomorrow tea time if you don't hold firm.

He's not sorry. He's turning it on you now. It's all your fault for not realising he didn't mean to do it.

After drinking a bottle of wine at 8am

What advice would you give your DD if it were her?

myhobbyisouting · 15/12/2020 23:26

I've come back to this before you've even responded...and I don't want to kick you while you're down.

But if you have children with this man then you are choosing to do that to them. You say it's "hard"?! No, it's really not hard to choose not to subject children to this shit

Milliepossum · 15/12/2020 23:29

@myhobbyisouting

I've come back to this before you've even responded...and I don't want to kick you while you're down.

But if you have children with this man then you are choosing to do that to them. You say it's "hard"?! No, it's really not hard to choose not to subject children to this shit

This. I’m also thinking the OP can easily choose a better life for her, future children and pets.

OP, if you take him back then you’re deciding to be abused forever. These assholes only stop when they die.

BertieBotts · 15/12/2020 23:30

OK, let's all slow down a bit.

If you don't have understanding of abuse dynamics and just want to post about how you don't know how the op can do this or can't do that, maybe try hiding the thread - it's not helpful.

OP. It's very normal for you to struggle to process what's happened and try to go into a kind of denial - that's your brain in self preservation mode (unfortunately it's not very good!) which is evolved to cope with dangers like rampaging tigers and not violent men.

It can be very hard to reconcile an act of violence or threatening behaviour with the relationship you've had with somebody, which even though you recognise won't have been perfect, wasn't all at the level of risk or danger you experienced in that moment. The way our brains try to make sense of those is to minimise, excuse or even outright forget.

What helps is to go back, read the post you made shortly after it happened. Remember how it felt. Write down anything you still remember. The contrast between what he was saying yesterday and what he's saying today as pointed out by other posters is also very important.

Also do some slower burn stuff - start reading about emotional abuse, verbal abuse. Start reading about living with an alcoholic. Get yourself on a general support thread on MN. You will find yourself nodding along to other answers and learning so much. Read the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You can find it fairly easily for free online. Or there is a brilliant blog/website all for free called baggage reclaim. The oldest posts are the best place to start but it's all great stuff.

If you cannot bring yourself to block him, even temporarily, think about taking a break from your phone, if you can access mumsnet or other support sources elsewhere. Just so that you're in a strong frame of mind when you do look at it.

If you decide to take him back, I hope you'll stick around for support, even if you start a new thread that doesn't have the AIBU hangover. Don't be ashamed, many of us have been there and understand it's not always as simple as cutting ties straight away. Leaving is a mental process as much as a physical act. But in the meantime, make a safety plan. Put any plans to make more permanent changes (e.g. Moving in, marriage, children) on hold.

I hope you can find the strength to stay away this time, but I hope more that you're not put off and won't be scared of asking for support whatever the situation.

You might feel that you're the only person who understands him or sees the "real" him, that's very common in these types of relationship. In reality this goes not make you responsible for him, he can and will take responsibility for himself if you do not enable this.

myhobbyisouting · 15/12/2020 23:44

"If you don't have understanding of abuse dynamics and just want to post about how you don't know how the op can do this or can't do that, maybe try hiding the thread - it's not helpful."

And if I do have that understanding? Is it ok to continue to post in your opinion? Yes, everything the OP is experiencing is completely normal. It also can help to be told exactly how it is when a person is in such a good position to end this now. Before they live together and have further ties.

EarthSight · 15/12/2020 23:59

@Panicking40609

I know people are saying just block but it isn’t that easy. I don’t know to cope though atm. I think I’ve already repressed in my mind how significant what happened was because I feel like I’m over reacting and he’s asking me to stop being moody. I don’t trust my own mind..
Moody.....lol.

It's great that you're not with him. Hope you're safe.

If you don't know your own mind, how about you ask yourself what you would say if your lovely future daughter came to you and said 'Mum, I've met this guy but I found out he's hit his partner in the past and he drinks a lot'? Wouldn't you be worried? Wouldn't your heart sink?

I think this is how it starts. The abused woman starts doubting her own mind, questioning herself, asking 'Am I being fair here?'. No woman enters a relationship and says 'Oh yet, hit me! It's totally fine!'. It's a slow degradation of your will, your self respect, your confidence in your own judgement. It's so hard to stop replying to those pleading messages. You'll probably feel guilty or bad reading them, but I think it's for the best that you don't go back to him. I wouldn't keep him as an acquaintance or friend either.

june2007 · 16/12/2020 00:14

Do not go back into this relationship thias was a warning for both of you of what this relationship could turn into.

Holothane · 16/12/2020 00:46

Get out now and stay out, your worth better than this, I so wished I’d not spent years with my ex, but then I wouldn’t have dh today, he’s not sorry there’ll be a next time and another for the rest of your life, walk and walk now hugs.

Giraffey1 · 16/12/2020 00:54

Actually, blocking him is easy. You press a button on your phone and it is done. If you are wavering, go back and read your OP and remind yourself of what it felt like when he was squaring up to you. How he was drunk and angry. How it made you feel, and how you were shaking. Ask yourself if this is normal, ok, and how you want to live.

Mittens030869 · 16/12/2020 01:35

Yes, please take the dog to a rescue centre, preferably one that isn’t rehoming during the holidays. Give that sweet pup a chance at a good life.

^This. I'm another one who feels very concerned about this puppy. Especially as you're afraid he'll hurt your pets.

And it's likely he will hurt your pets, I'm sorry to have to say, I'm remembering my DSis's XH. He used to bully her beloved Labrador Retriever, who was one of the most loyal pets I've ever known, and so trusting. She adored him, too. It was only after they split up that my DSis realised that her dog had been as much of a a victim as she herself had been. She was so nervous at the slightest thing for some time afterwards (completely different from her bouncy nature before this).

Obviously, the most important thing is to get yourself out of there, OP. But please consider rehoming the puppy if you can't keep it yourself. (Especially in view of your concerns for the safety of your pets.

Has he been aggressive towards your pets or his? Bear in mind that you may not be aware of it if he is being abusive. My DSis certainly didn't see her ex being abusive towards her dog,

RubiksLego · 16/12/2020 02:45

Don’t think of forever or your plans just yet.
Get through Christmas and New Years without contacting him, can you do that, a few weeks? I think you can. Get some time behind you and out of panic mode and away from the pressure of having to decide anything big.
You’ll be able to think clearer then. He is going to go through the cycle of apologies, pleading, gaslighting, nastiness a few times over the weeks and will show you what a predictable, tantrum throwing little man he is but it’s hard to see now when you’re in a mindset of fear - fear of him, fear of losing the false potential life you could have had.
You are worth a good relationship with a man who is good to you.

Being moody is not an excuse to treat you badly - would he do it to his mum, his boss, his friends, even if they pissed him off on purpose?

If he thinks his actions were justified he won’t mind you telling all your family and friends about it then? Thought not

TickyBooo · 16/12/2020 02:47

Hi OP, it is of course paramount that you look after yourself. But please please please consider the impact this man being in your pets lives will have on them. You're responsible for protecting them and their lives should not change due this mans violence. If he can hit a person, he can harm an animal.

I'm also, as with multiple others, concerned about the puppy. Whatever you decide to do - please don't give it back to him. It will have no life. You are it's only chance to find a loving home free of abuse and neglect.

Take care of yourself.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/12/2020 02:49

@Panicking40609

I know people are saying just block but it isn’t that easy. I don’t know to cope though atm. I think I’ve already repressed in my mind how significant what happened was because I feel like I’m over reacting and he’s asking me to stop being moody. I don’t trust my own mind..
Then just block him for 4 hours. You can do that, can't you? Just 4 measly hours. Then tomorrow make it 5. Then 6. You get my drift.

If you don't trust your own mind that's because HE has planted those doubts in you. This man is poison, plain and simple. Poison.

It may help you to see a counselor. They can really help you pick things apart and figure out why you do the things you do. And how to make better choices.

justilou1 · 16/12/2020 03:14

Do the Claire’s Law application. Wait for the results. See how you feel then.

mathanxiety · 16/12/2020 03:26

...he’s asking me to stop being moody

@Panicking40609
He is completely denying what he did and denying that you have the right to react to whatever the heck it is that you feel he may have done (

Yeahnahmum · 16/12/2020 03:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsPworkingmummy · 16/12/2020 03:28

You need to be strong and split from him. I'm sorry. He's clearly trying to manipulate you, no doubt turning it onto you at some point too. Do not get back with this brute. Do not reply.