Page 13 | Shaking from DP squaring up to me

Panicking40609 · 2020-12-14T22:58:19+00:00

Posting in aibu for traffic, I’m sorry I’m shaking. Argument with DP just happened, I was being passive aggressive cleaning up because he’s passing out, can’t even sit up straight because he’s drunk again. He started drinking wine at 8am this morning. We’re in the process of him moving in with me so during said argument he was packing things to leave. He just snapped and squared up to me, I told him not to and asked him not to make the argument worse by bringing violence into it. (He has admitted hitting ex in the past). I genuinely thought he was going to hit me, I was mentally preparing for it. In the end I pushed him away and he just picked up his stuff and left. I’ve locked the door but I’m shaking. I was so scared he would hurt my pets.

CodenameVillanelle · 15/12/2020 20:01

Why isn't it as easy as that?
You know what he's doing, he's wearing you down.

beavisandbutthead · 15/12/2020 20:13

These men get in your head, make you feel you cant live without them. Treat you like a queen one minute but then assault you the next, you walk on egg shells and they then minimise the assault, over time you start believing your the problem and have to adapt your behaviour as its clearly you thats triggering this...i witnessed this ...my mother was beaten from the age of 17 by my dad....and to be honest as an adult i couldnt understand why she didnt leave him...he actually left her when i was 7 for another woman and did the same to her. I remember feeling as if i had to look after my mum, she was a upset and angry woman, however when I grew up I felt anger towards my mum wondering why she didnt have the strength of character to leave and why she put up with it. Then you grow up a bit more and realise it isnt always as easy as that. If life was that simple we wouldnt be reading all the horror stories on MN and the news. You need to stay strong, focus on clares law and not him, and then perhaps take time to think about yourself and your wants and needs

happinessischocolate · 15/12/2020 20:17

@Panicking40609

I know people are saying just block but it isn’t that easy. I don’t know to cope though atm. I think I’ve already repressed in my mind how significant what happened was because I feel like I’m over reacting and he’s asking me to stop being moody. I don’t trust my own mind..

Imagine him squaring up to you like that in public, do you think he would?

Imagine him squaring up like that to a close relative or friend of yours, would you think it was okay?

Imagine you saw a random man squaring up like that to a woman, in a shop or at the bus stop. Would you think it was okay or would you think that she should get as far away from that man as possible?

The fact that the memory of the incident dims over time is why these bastards get away with it.

Reread you first post and everything people have said, especially the ones who have shared their own experiences of abusive men.

pickingdaisies · 15/12/2020 20:19

I think you need to talk to someone that can come over and keep you company, and talk it through. Your brain is trying to minimise what happened so you can cope with it emotionally, but reading his weasel words is going to mess with that process.

gypsywater · 15/12/2020 20:21

Why would you be with a man who had admitted hitting his ex?! These men dont change OP. Ever.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/12/2020 20:24

@Panicking40609

I know people are saying just block but it isn’t that easy. I don’t know to cope though atm. I think I’ve already repressed in my mind how significant what happened was because I feel like I’m over reacting and he’s asking me to stop being moody. I don’t trust my own mind..

This is a common strategy - make you doubt yourself. Convince you you are over-reacting. Blame your sensitivity for what has happened.

YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING. HE IS A VIOLENT AND DANGEROUS MAN.

DO NOT LET HIM BACK INTO YOUR LIFE!.

3rdNamechange · 15/12/2020 20:25

@Panicking40609

I know people are saying just block but it isn’t that easy. I don’t know to cope though atm. I think I’ve already repressed in my mind how significant what happened was because I feel like I’m over reacting and he’s asking me to stop being moody. I don’t trust my own mind..

It's even harder to leave when you've got kids and a mortgage OP. Now would be the easiest time.

NoraEphronsTurkeyNeck · 15/12/2020 20:26

@TenShortStories

He might be lying, he might be genuinely horrified by his behaviour and desperately sorry.

It doesn't actually matter which one it is though - violence that is calculated and violence that comes as part of an emotional outburst that is later regretted are both just as dangerous to you.

What a clear and succinct way of putting it. I'm going to show this to a friend of mine. Thank you!

Thingsdogetbetter · 15/12/2020 20:37

He scared the shit out of you and is downplaying and belittling your emotional reaction to 'moody'. From grandiose apologies to basically telling you you're being silly and over reacting within hours.

He really doesn't think what he did was that bad and if you don't snap back into line after some vague promises it's your fault not his. Cos you're being unnecessarily 'moody'. Moody! How fucking insulting!

You know he's been violent to women before. You must realise he only told you a minimised and sanitized version to stop you doing claire's law. Which means he was scared of what it would bring up. That means he was arrested and charged. And most likely for more than one incident of violence. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a man prosecuted for just one punch!?

You weaken now and this is your life. A cycle of fear, promises and love bombing then back to fear again. Is that the life you envisage for yourself? Avoiding friends and family until the bruises fade. Deluding yourself into believing that this time he means it when he promises he'll change.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/12/2020 20:38

If you love your pets and if you want children at some point, you won't just be walking away from this arsehole for your sake, you'll be doing it for your pets and future children too.

It doesn't matter he's sorry, it doesn't matter he's gutted, he has hit an ex before and he's been the tiniest step away from doing it to you too.

You were scared for yourself.

You were scared for your pets.

Choosing a future with a man who has proven himself to be totally unworthy would be absolute fucking madness.

This is real life now, not a story where you can fix someone broken.

At some point if you stay together, you will anger him and he will hurt you. He will punch / slap / spit / kick and you won't be able to defend yourself physically because he's so much bigger.

He will threaten to hurt your pets and your children and you will feel obliged to stay because that terrifies you.

He will break you down until there's nothing of the real you left and if he fancies it, he'll cheat on you because to him women are things he wants to 'keep' not whole people he respects and cares for.

You've been handed an opportunity on a golden platter to remove this man from your life and your home and if you don't take it you will regret it for the rest of your life.

Be wise, he's a common garden variety abuser. Nothing special, not someone who deserves your help and support, he's a wanker who does this because he can get away with it.

Don't be a statistic and for the love of god if you want kids in future think about the choice you're making now even harder.

Emeraldshamrock · 15/12/2020 20:43

I think I’ve already repressed in my mind how significant what happened was because I feel like I’m over reacting and he’s asking me to stop being moody. I don’t trust my own mind
Snap out of it. The decision you make now will have a massive impacted, he is already shutting you up saying you're moody.
He thinks you're overreacting not the thoughts of a remorseful person.

AuntyCandthefishfingersandwich · 15/12/2020 20:50

Stay strong OP
He is not safe for you to be with

He hit someone before - I bet it was more that he made it out to be.

Never go back - please you deserve better

MiniEggs234 · 15/12/2020 20:59

OP you are not over reacting. It will only escalate from here. Please keep being strong and get him out of your life completely. I have been where you are, and it escalated. Now that I'm safe, I'm struggling to come to terms with what Ive been through.

The emotional abuse is the most confusing because you end up doubting yourself. That's what he's doing by apologising and promising to stop drinking. This is him gaslighting you and he will not stop drinking, or treating you like this. He is trying to manipulate you, to downplay his behaviour, and make you doubt yourself.

Please don't let this be your story.

Cattenberg · 15/12/2020 21:02

Yesterday
I fucked up... in a horrendous way...I am disgusted with myself

I’ll quit drinking

I’ll go to anger management I don’t give a fuck what I have to do

Today
he’s asking me to stop being moody

He isn’t sorry, OP.

Do you have a friend or family member who has the measure of him and would be prepared to act as gatekeeper/go-between? If he wants to speak about the dog, he can contact them instead. Then block him. Being in contact with him is really bad for you.

myhobbyisouting · 15/12/2020 21:08

You've got the chance here to just get rid of this fucking nasty loser. He's worth nothing to anyone, a complete waster.

Why on earth would you even want to go near that ever again?

You deserve so much better and sorry to be blunt but he's just a boyfriend, you don't even live together (thank god). It didn't work out, it is what it is.

And yes, blocking is easy. Block first and then delete his number.

GingerBeverage · 15/12/2020 21:31

@Cattenberg

Yesterday I fucked up... in a horrendous way...I am disgusted with myself

I’ll quit drinking

I’ll go to anger management I don’t give a fuck what I have to do

Today
he’s asking me to stop being moody

He isn’t sorry, OP.

Do you have a friend or family member who has the measure of him and would be prepared to act as gatekeeper/go-between? If he wants to speak about the dog, he can contact them instead. Then block him. Being in contact with him is really bad for you.

Yes. Makes me wonder what is coming next. The suicide threat, the chocolates and flowers, or the engagement ring.

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 15/12/2020 21:37

He told you to stop being moody? The faux guilt didn't last long did it?

There is no scenario where your partner squaring up to you is ok. If he did that to your best friend would you be OK with it? If not, why not? Would you tell her it wasn't a big deal and to stop being moody? If not, why not?

If you're lonely, post here. Tell people in real life so you have support, and accountability. Keeping in touch just gives him more ways he can try to lure you back in, so that next time you feel you cant leave.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 15/12/2020 21:39

Staying with him will be harder than leaving him, it just doesn't feel that way right now.

He's trying to wear you down.

If you don't mind me asking op, have you been in an abusive relationship before? How was your childhood? Your boundaries seem very low.

You are worth more than a life of violence and abuse. Believe that.

gypsywater · 15/12/2020 21:43

If you cant do it for yourself OP, do it for your pets

strugglingtomakesenseofitall · 15/12/2020 21:43

You haven't overreacted, he will hit you and manipulate you over and over again. Please stay strong, you deserve better.

Jenifirtree · 15/12/2020 21:56

He is not sorry. He will hit you. Probably kick the puppy too.

Jabba2020 · 15/12/2020 21:57

Yesterday he was sorry, today its your fault.
You pushed him
You made him do it
You are over reacting
You are being moody
Except, you didn't. He is playing you.
He chose to react like that.
He is choosing to scapegoat you instead of taking responsibility.
Its textbook behaviour.
Does he square up to his boss like that? His mum? A random woman on the street? If he can control himself with all of them then he chose to do it to you.

snowisfallingallaroundus · 15/12/2020 21:59

@Panicking40609

I know people are saying just block but it isn’t that easy. I don’t know to cope though atm. I think I’ve already repressed in my mind how significant what happened was because I feel like I’m over reacting and he’s asking me to stop being moody. I don’t trust my own mind..

Oh my Lord, you sound like you're going back to him.

He squared up to you.

This is more than a red flag. He's a danger. He will hit you.

BlueThistles · 15/12/2020 21:59

He's a bullying prick that's annoyed that his over night love bombing texting hasn't worked.. so now he's getting angry that he cannot move in and have his every whim catered for by you... he'll get really nasty soon and you're going to realise just what a lucky an escape you've had... 🌺

You need to remember why you got to this point OP.. HIM and his behaviour .. imagine him living with you and your not being able to escape his drunk bitterness... THAT'S deeply worrying...

so ignore his passive aggressive attempts at putting a this on you... he's raging that he cannot control you.. 🌺

gypsywater · 15/12/2020 22:00

OP, you need to think about why you even gave this violent loser a chance when you heard that he had hit his ex...that should be the ultimate red flag