Shaking from DP squaring up to me

[Panicking40609]

Posting in aibu for traffic, I’m sorry

I’m shaking. Argument with DP just happened, I was being passive aggressive cleaning up because he’s passing out, can’t even sit up straight because he’s drunk again. He started drinking wine at 8am this morning. We’re in the process of him moving in with me so during said argument he was packing things to leave.

He just snapped and squared up to me, I told him not to and asked him not to make the argument worse by bringing violence into it. (He has admitted hitting ex in the past). I genuinely thought he was going to hit me, I was mentally preparing for it. In the end I pushed him away and he just picked up his stuff and left.

I’ve locked the door but I’m shaking. I was so scared he would hurt my pets.

You’re being very strong, well done!

It’ll be hard to stick to but the bottom line is you should not feel scared of someone you love and you should not feel scared in your own home.

Take care x

He's disgusted with himself and doesn't want to ruin something amazing because of a drunken episode...but continues drinking knowing he has a drinking problem...at 8am in the morning. If he truly loved you, he would want to get away from you, for your sake. Sorry OP, he is not who you wanted him to be but please let that misjudgement be your only mistake. The sadness you're feeling is for the life you wanted to lead with him...not the one you would most likely lead. Give yourself some time to grieve, then you need to move on to better things.

OP well done and stay strong, you've got this.

Imagine if he moved in, you would be walking on eggshells every single day. Trying not to trigger him into a rage, praying you don't make a wrong move and he hurts your pets. It would be hell to live like that.

Don't fall for the pleading bullshit. And don't believe his claims that he'll give up alcohol and that will fix everything. I'm a recovering alcoholic. Even at my worst I was never violent. It is possible to be an alcoholic AND a violent bastard. The violence is in him OP. Anyone truly remorseful would have given up drinking, undertaken counselling and anger management after he assaulted his ex. But he didn't, did he. Probably gave lip service to the idea (like he's doing with you now), but carried on drinking and raging just like before. You deserve so much better in life than this.

You think that’s a nice text? It is 100% about his needs and feelings. Literally every sentence starts with I....

This is going to get much worse...

You know you deserve better than him don't you OP? I've spent my fair share (and then some) of time with addicts of one sort or another and it's obvious that's what this man is. It's not a normal way to live even without violence and aggression thrown in and he will only drag you down. Choose better for yourself, choose someone who can function normally, why make life harder for yourself?

Hey op, you're doing so well. My child's father squared up to me once, he was sober. I remember thinking at the moment he could kill me now - it was the first and only time he ever squared up to me like that in a 10 year relationship and the only time I've ever feared for my safety from him, but it was one incident that helped me see the light.

Financial abuse, not liking me seeing my friends, monitoring my movements, breaking some of my things in rage, and what I know now is called gaslighting. I was a wreck after years of it and didn't really understand what was going on.

I'm only just in the process of leaving him now, he doesn't know. I'm not in a good position financially so am still in the process of figuring things out, but I already feel the relief and hope for the future.

The freedom programme (I did it online) and the book by Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that? Are two things I read/did that really helped me see things clearly and understand better.

You are doing the right thing. Don't waste years of your life like I did. Stay strong.

Tell him that it’s officially over between you as he crossed a line that he can never come back from. There’s nothing he can say to change your mind. He will have to attempt to have his happy ending with someone else, it won’t be you. Obviously he will have to work on himself to not be such a violent, drunk, abusive prick

'If he gets to keep you'

I find 'keep' and interesting term, one that would make me slightly uncomfortable. There is something slightly childlike and possessive about it.

I understand what a mind fuck all this must be for you, but both of you need to see these negative actions as part of his character. He cannot partition them off when it suits him. He should have worked on himself and got clean before he even got into a relationship, but he didn't. It was either too hard, too much work, or he expected the next woman to fall into the same trap as the others.

If you keep this up, expect more pleading. Unless he's one of those who turns nasty post breakup, he might want you even more because you're one of the women who actually got away and did the right thing.

@XmasBelle

When someone tells you who they are and what they are. Believe them so that they can't make out you knew and accepted their behaviour

Drop him like a hot one

This ☝️

I turned someone down once and I think it may be the best decision I have made in my life. I was young, more inexperienced, but I could see warning signs all over the place. One of the things he said was something like 'All of the women I truly want end up not going out with me. They know better. The ones who end up getting involved with me, I respect less'. He had a very poor self esteem which explained part of those feelings, but I didn't see any evidence to suggest those women hadn't made a wise decision. Quite the opposite actually.

You deserve better. You will find better, but not while you hang out with him. Don't look back

@Fluffycloudland77

I’d block him and keep the dog in case he kills it. It’s textbook abuser stuff isn’t it?.

How on earth can he think he’d be a good dad and dh when he hits women?.

The above.

Protect yourself

Protect your animals

Protect his dog - he left it. It's your dog now. If you can't keep it take it to the dogs trust, explain that you are getting out of a violent relationship and fear for the dog's safety. i'm sure they'll do everything they can to help.

Pets are often the victims of domestic abusers. This dog won't be the first they've seen

@Bambi1222

Not sure if someone has said this but can't you get RSPCA to pick up the dog as it's a puppy it could have a better life?

The RSPCA are rubbish and will do sod all even in cases of obvious neglect or cruelty. In a situation like this they wouldn't be interested at all.

Dont move in with him.
End this now.
Report.

Why are you heartbroken, he's a violent drunk who hits women and you are worried he will hurt your pets?
I'd be relieved he's gone, never take him back.
Do you not think you are worth more than a man like this? You should stay single until you have had some counselling or you could keep picking rotten apples.

What helped me walk away from a verbally abusive boyfriend (not as bad as yours) was the clear knowledge that I wanted children and no way would I have him as their father.

Walked away and met the perfect man 6 months later. I shudder to think how shit my life would be if I had taken the wrong turn..

@justilou1

Fuuuuuck! Does NOBODY pay attention??? *@Panicking40609* has made it VERY CLEAR HE IS NOT MOVING IN!!! IT’S OVER!!! She is not stupid! She is not going to get sucked back in by this guy! She is sharing with us the twaddle he is spinning (according to the abuser’s script) because she has the insight to know what’s going on!

Nobody is saying she is stupid. She isn't.

If you read her posts though she starts off angry and strong but then becomes sad and appears to be possibly having a wobble. That is natural too when worn down by his persistent apologies, which we know are just part of a textbook cycle of abuse. People are just trying to support her through that.

Someone questioned the point of making a Claire's Law disclosure request. There is every point. Knowing fuller details if available about the probably violent past of this arsehole could be a timely eye-opener and could strengthen her resolve to keep him out of her life.

Me... I did. And she is.

Hi all. Dog is still with me, I haven’t gotten back with him. He knows im in disbelief at what happened and that he can’t waltz back in. I’m okay. Just a small update

Get rid now it will only get worse!

@Panicking40609 glad you’re ok. Please do consider blocking him.

Why are you in disbelief? You were so worried that you were going to do a Claire's Law request. He admitted violence towards a partner. He's not a decent person.

He won't ever change. Forget him completely

Glad you are OK. Stay strong now.

I know people are saying just block but it isn’t that easy. I don’t know to cope though atm. I think I’ve already repressed in my mind how significant what happened was because I feel like I’m over reacting and he’s asking me to stop being moody. I don’t trust my own mind..

@Panicking40609 please block him and get some therapy you really need help!