Shaking from DP squaring up to me

[Panicking40609]

Posting in aibu for traffic, I’m sorry

I’m shaking. Argument with DP just happened, I was being passive aggressive cleaning up because he’s passing out, can’t even sit up straight because he’s drunk again. He started drinking wine at 8am this morning. We’re in the process of him moving in with me so during said argument he was packing things to leave.

He just snapped and squared up to me, I told him not to and asked him not to make the argument worse by bringing violence into it. (He has admitted hitting ex in the past). I genuinely thought he was going to hit me, I was mentally preparing for it. In the end I pushed him away and he just picked up his stuff and left.

I’ve locked the door but I’m shaking. I was so scared he would hurt my pets.

You seriously need to get therapy. You were moving in a man who you also felt you needed to do a Claire’s law request on. I would block him and then not date again until you sort out why and how you fell in love with a man this awful and dangerous.

Drinking wine at 8am and getting violent?

No good will come of this. Block him x

@HopeMumsnet

Hi there OP, We just wanted to say that we've moved your thread to our Relationships section, and to link you to our Relationships content page. Have a wee look, there are general articles on there but you might see that we have an piece on Coercive Control that might ring some bells for you. There's also the Freedom Programme, if you contact them they can let you see their resources, which are very good at helping women to re-orientate ourselves when we have become mixed up with someone who isn't good for us. We're sorry you're finding yourself in this predicament, OP, you're not the first and unfortunately you won't be the last. We're sending some virtual and a for a bit of comfort. We hope you're doing okay and feeling strong this morning. x

Please read this OP.

@needabus

Is this really common assault ? I ask because a couple of years ago I had a huge argument with dm over her emotional and physical abuse to me as a child-she was laughing at me and I really shouted in her face to get away from me she called another relative claiming I had ‘ squared up’ to her and told me she was going to have me arrested at the time I thought how ridiculous I’ve shouted at her to get away from me and she was saying it was a crime but is it actually ?

Sorry to derail OP, but as a magistrate I just wanted to clarify this. @needabus

For a charge of Common Assault there does not need to be any touching or physical contact at all. The victim must feel they are in danger of being attacked though. Squaring up to someone could easily come under common assault. Spitting at someone is another example, even if they miss.

Where there is actual physical contact or violence used, and it could be very minor such as a brush of a hand, then it is usually charged as Assault by beating. In actual fact it makes no difference to sentencing as they both fall under the same sentencing guideline with a maximum of 6 months in prison.

Just because there is no physical contact does not mean the person is not in fear. I have sent someone to prison for six months for common assault where no contact was made. For obvious reasons I am unable to go into any detail but I have no doubt the victim would have been petrified. On the other side, we have also sentencing people charged with assault by beating to a relatively small fine. It very much depends on the actual detail and context of what happened.

The link below shows more detail of what counts as different types of assault.

www.sentencingcouncil.org.uk/news/item/assault-offences-explained/#:~:text=A%20person%20is%20guilty%20of,are%20about%20to%20be%20attacked.&text=Other%20acts%20like%20spitting%20at,both%20intentional%20and%20reckless%20acts.

Lucky escape. OP. Keep that door locked and block him. The puppy needs to be returned. Do you have someone to do that for you?

Op keep him away from you and your pets. Your safety and theirs is paramount here. Not him or his feeble excuses or apologies. Hope you're ok.

Not sure if someone has said this but can't you get RSPCA to pick up the dog as it's a puppy it could have a better life?

Definitely ring the rspca and get them to take the dog-he can then negotiate directly with them about getting it back

Still worth doing a Claires Law-it will illustrate all the offences he's committed and not just the one he told you about thinking it would pacify you

@iwishiwasatcentralperk

Also, do the Clare's Law request and tell them it is because he threatened you. I doubt very much that he told you the truth.

OP needs to cut him off, what’s the point of a Claire’s law request she’s found out what he’s like and should get him out of her life!

Keep the puppy or rehome it. Please. He could kill the poor little thing.

One thing at a time. It is hard to disentangle yourself emotionally from a relationship, even when there has been abuse or other unacceptable behaviour.

I wouldn't be able to stomach taking the dog to a rescue centre, even if I felt ultimately it would be better for the dog. I just couldn't do that to someone I still cared for on any level. It's ok if you can't, op. The most important thing is to be clear on the point that the relationship is over. You don't have to act perfectly in every way MN would want you to. X

IMHO you don't love the person he is, you love the person he's trying to persuade you that he is and that you think he is. The two are waaaayyy different in his case :(

When someone shows you who they are ... believe them.

Stay safe xx

YY to coercive control. Do not continue in a relationship with this man.

Why bother with Claire’s law? What will it achieve? OP is scared of this man, she was shaking in fear, that’s enough to know that she has to leave, she knows he has the potential to harm her because he has hit a ex partner and as others have said ‘it’s likely to be worse than what he says’.

My ex would tell me how people have accused him of being violent, that his ex had called the police on him many times, he said it was all lies, everyone was lying and he was telling the truth. He went in to throw things across the room at me and sexually attack me. Please don’t let it go this far, it’s taken me a long time to recover. You saw the look in his eye and it was enough to scare you, protect yourself and don’t have him back.

Totally agree with PP - you do not ever have to see this man again OP. He is dangerous and you are at your most vulnerable when leaving him.

Take the dog to his friends/mums/anywhere else or get someone else (preferably large and male) to drop the dog off at his.

A life living in fear of a drunken outburst is no life. Treading on eggshells, watching everything you say is a living hell. Hiding injuries and the abuse escalating can be avoided by you blocking him from your life. Please don't be taken in like I was.

I'd send him a final text along these lines:

I cannot allow this to continue, as I'm sure you will understand. I will NOT stay in a position where I am afraid of my own partner, and I'm sure you wouldn't want me to. But I am grateful to you for showing me who you really are, both by your aggressive behaviour, your extraordinary choice to drink wine at 8am, and now by your self-centred texts about what YOU want and what is good for YOU. I'm completely done with this now, I won't see you again to discuss, or for any other reason. Your dog will be returned to you by . Good idea to sort your life out and do anger management and give up drinking or whatever you feel you need to sort yourself out. But don't do it on my account, do it for your own future. I'm sure you understand deep down why this is now over for me.

@iwishiwasatcentralperk

Also, do the Clare's Law request and tell them it is because he threatened you. I doubt very much that he told you the truth.

Absolutely this.

He "admitted" to something which he sees as "small" to stop you proceeding with the request and finding out the true extent of his previous behaviour.

I'd disagree with sending a final text - don't engage with him. Good advice to ask a third party to drop off the dog.

Stay safe, you are doing the right thing.

Fuuuuuck! Does NOBODY pay attention??? @Panicking40609 has made it VERY CLEAR HE IS NOT MOVING IN!!! IT’S OVER!!! She is not stupid! She is not going to get sucked back in by this guy! She is sharing with us the twaddle he is spinning (according to the abuser’s script) because she has the insight to know what’s going on!

Complete the claire law that he deter you from doing.
I think from reading previous similar threads the police will visit you so at same time,
Report him to police for common assault.
You were so terrified and shaking that you and your pets his puppy will be hurt.
Do not return his puppy if you cannot keep it. Local rescue centre like dog trust etc.
I also wonder if this puppy was added to his future faking with you pretending to be a dog lover to get his feet under your table.
Does he own a house bet not?
Is this your own house?
Did he have your spare key long enough to make another copy.
Maybe need change locks.
Trust yourself. You did knew something was off about him when you first consider claires law.
Be safe

OP, if you do Claire's Law, you need to not tell them that the relationship is over otherwise they won't disclose to you.

Have a good think - personally if it were me I would want to know, to strengthen my resolve and to also allow me to then get the report, THEN let them know that I had ended the relationship as he had also been violent to me. Then his 'sheet' will be beefed up even more.

@Panicking40609 I'm sure you're overwhelmed but PLEASE continue with the Claire's Law process. I don't for a second think he told you the truth.

And please tell them why. He will 100% do this to someone else. You already know he was violent to an ex. Now he's been violent to you. He absolutely will hit you. He will.

And if he's drinking at 8am he isn't going to stop just because he texted you.

You will save yourself years of hurt and trauma by making the correct decision now. Because this won't last. He'll either beat you enough to FINALLY convince you to get out, or he'll kill you. Those are the options ahead of you.

You have to block him so he can't wear you down. Please do that.

Surrender his dog to a rescue if you must. Tell them why you're doing it. Tell him where he can get it. Then get him the fuck out of your life.

Please.

I agree with a PP. No matter whether he gets physical through malice or drink, you can still have your neck snapped like a twig.

The human body is quite delicate in some respects. There's a reason why they have the urget o get you by the throat for example.

I was strangled to the point of unconsciousness by an ex. If I am honest I have never been the same since. Not emotionally but in my brain. Something changed and I can't do complex things like I once could.

When I came to I was able to gather myself enough to not anger him more and the first chance I got, I got in my car and drove away. This was before mobiles and he wrote me three letters that, without context, looked like the nicest love letters ever.

I knew he would do it again and I never even answered them. I was 100% certain that if I returned he would kill me. He called day and night for a few weeks but I didn't answer the phone at all.

When someone tells you who they are and what they are. Believe them so that they can't make out you knew and accepted their behaviour

Drop him like a hot one