Why won't he move in?

[baublesforme]

Will try to keep this shortish if I can! So I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now, I’m 8 months pregnant. It wasn’t planned but we spent a long time discussing wether we should continue with the pregnancy, we hadn’t been together long so it wasn’t an easy decision.
We both decided we loved each other and were happy, wanted to move in together and have this baby. Months pass and we have been happy, still living apart though at the moment.
We spend most of the week together, but weekends he goes home. We both have children from previous relationship, we’ve both met each other’s kids and all has been fine. He has his daughter who is 5 at weekends, I’ve suggested numerous times that he bring her and stay at mine, because the plan is once baby is born we we will all be living together, he will move in with me because it’s more practical. However it’s getting closer and closer to baby’s due date and he’s still not moved in, or brought his daughter to stay over.

I keep telling him he should be here living, his daughter too, for a while before baby is born so she settles in, but he just seems to brush it off, and won’t do it. I’ve asked him why and he doesn’t seem to have a reason, there is no practical reason why he can’t just move in.

He rings and messages me all weekend saying he misses me, Hates being away from me, but yet he’s choosing to be away from me? I don’t have my kids weekends, they are with their dad, so I’m often alone all weekend, especially at the minute with the restrictions in place.
I find it so frustrating! I don’t get it. He can’t give me a reason to not get on and move in. And I can’t think of a reason why he hasn’t!

We get on with each other’s kids, we both know how it will work financially when living together as it’s been discussed, we are both happy together, what reason could he be holding back?! He said he wants us to live together! I’m so confused. Not even sure what I’m asking here really... maybe some advice on getting him to get on with it, or at least tell me why he isn’t..

@baublesforme

I won't show him this thread!

Well we've had words! He seemed shocked that I said I'd had enough!

But did it come to any resolution?

OP please don't assume he will go to register the birth with you.

What is supposed to be happening at Xmas? Assuming you are really not up to cooking for everyone, has he even said he'll come and do dinner?

I predict he will now back way off and tell you "I was about to advertise my house on Rightmove ACTUALLY but you've ruined it now..." Don't believe it for a minute.

@Bluntness100 no not yet...

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation he will definitely register the birth with me, nothing would stop him doing that.

Christmas we have talked about but not completely sure, I was planning on cooking yes, I do every year.

As a matter of interest, what does your 12 year old think of all of this? Has she asked you about him? Is she aware of the tensions in the relationship?

@nimbuscloud he's here all the time that she is, so she's used to him being around now, she gets on well with him, is excited about our baby. She doesn't know of any tensions because up until I made this thread there wasn't any!

I’m glad you’ve stood up for yourself op. It might hurt but honestly he’s telling you what he thinks every single day with his actions.

So what will she think when he is no longer there? Will she miss him?

@nimbuscloud yes I would imagine she and my other children will miss him.

I’m so sorry OP, I just want to give u hugs and tell you it will be okay.
I was in your position with my ex, was with him for lot longer but same circumstances. Found out I was pregnant while having a scan for ovarian cysts and I was already 14 weeks. He wanted to move in, then didn’t, then did, then didn’t again. His mum came and spent some time with us and was encouraging him to move in. He then took a job 300 miles away. I ended it and even now I believe he didn’t ever intend to commit to me, he just didn’t want to be the ‘bad guy’.
I feel like this situation is similar.

Did you end it OP?

I just read about you having the coil and thin mini pill.
Correct me if I'm wrong. Have you been pregnant twice by him?

Is he one of those who refuse to wear a condom?

You mentioned time off work due to the pregnancy.
Think about how much he has actually cost you over these past months wrt lost wages, food, electricity, water, your labor.

I can't wait to see how this one pans out. In a way i feel sorry for you . Yes he's letting you down badly . But it seems you still think your on a winner here. But now you have aired your dirty laundry in public . and had nine pages of comments . If he turns up x-mas day . Who will you see sat there . The love of your life . Or the freeloading COCKLODGER

I wonder what would happen if you just handed him the baby once you had it? Not that you could or would but it seems so casual on his part to not take this more seriously.

I can't wait to see how this one pans out

God it’s not a soap opera here for your entertainment.

OP, I want to congratulate you on your calm and measured replies on this thread in the face of some rather personal comments and criticisms! You sound a great mum and I hope it works out well for you 💐

@axile234

I can't wait to see how this one pans out. In a way i feel sorry for you . Yes he's letting you down badly . But it seems you still think your on a winner here. But now you have aired your dirty laundry in public . and had nine pages of comments . If he turns up x-mas day . Who will you see sat there . The love of your life . Or the freeloading COCKLODGER

Nice.

Have you been pregnant twice to him? Do your kids get no alone time with you at all then since he’s there whenever they are?
It’s such a lot for a year long relationship, maybe his daughter doesn’t want to share her dad with 4 other kids she barely knows every weekend.

[quote baublesforme]@Bluntness100 no not yet...

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation he will definitely register the birth with me, nothing would stop him doing that.

Christmas we have talked about but not completely sure, I was planning on cooking yes, I do every year. [/quote]
Nothing will stop him registering the birth... Just like nothing will stop him moving in?

You have so much trust for this man based on his WORDS, which so far have been meaningless. I do know how hard it is to stop believing the crap someone is telling you. But you must look at his actions here. Words are easy. Anyone can say they'll move in, co-parent, share finances, etc. What has he DONE to make that happen?

I don't want to be harsh OP but you need to be very practical now. Get yourself mentally, practically and financially ready to be doing this all on your own.

Personally I'd fuck him off now but I know that's easy for me to say - I'm not the one gestating his baby.

He DOES NOT WANT TO MOVE IN.

You know why? Because he has no intention of sharing the load with this baby. He wants to make damn sure it's YOU doing the nights, the nappies, the shitwork.

His plan is to swan in and be Disney Dad. However - he doesn't want that to get awkward, so right now he's on a bit of a tightrope with keeping you sweet and also making sure he keeps his freedom.

If you told him the baby was getting your surname, do you know what he'd do? Move in with a big fuss and feathers shouting about how lovely it is, how he's sooooo happy.

Then engineer a row and flounce back to his place not long after baby is safely registered with his name. Job done.

Judge people by what they do, not what they say.

Don't push now. Just leave it. Don't bring it up. Concentrate on your baby.

When baby is born, REGISTER WITH YOUR SURNAME. Absolutely no choice about it. Don't even discuss it with him.

You would be mad not to, because this man is 100% not going to stick around and be a proper partner. In two years, he will be gone.

Give this baby the surname your oldest child has, so that within your family, they will all share a surname with at least one sibling. That would be not only a positive thing for the siblings, but is absolute sense - DO NOT give the baby the surname of a man you've been with only 12 months who is already making it clear that he's a complete bullshitter.

My advice would actually be to register the birth without him (and yes - something can indeed stop him from registering the birth and that is you not telling him when you are doing it, because he has no rights at all here ) - then if he does get his act together he can be added at a later date. Actions not words!

If you really don't want to do that and want him on the certificate then tell him now that the baby is having your surname and that isn't up for discussion. His reaction will tell you a lot.

Think hard about putting him on the certificate. It's then a LOT easier for him to make your life hell.

This man isn't a keeper and you have only got a year's experience of him - you don't really know him. My advice would be, 100%, think of your family and their future. That isn't him. It's very likely that in 3 years' time he will be long gone, at this rate. So give your baby a name to share with its big sibling, and think hard about just going forward without him.

I hope you’re ok. To have gone from no tension to nearly broken up must be tough. But I think you’ve just taken your rose coloured spectacles off on this thread rather than been pushed along by the crowd. I hope so. You’ve done the right thing so far. He either massively steps up or you stand tough alone. This halfway/nothing isn’t good enough any longer..

Thanks for the kind replies, I'm ignoring the rude ones! Oh I'm prepared to do it alone, I'll do that rather than what the situation is now.
I haven't ended it, but I've made it clear that things are not going to continue the way they have been. I told him from now I'm going to go on like I intend to have the baby without him, because it's obvious he isn't going to move in and I'm done believing that he is.
Nothings really changed on his part, he's just feeling sorry for himself

He's all talk
He wants to be a person who does the right thing but he doesn't want to actually do the right thing (because that would be inconvenient and tiresome for him)
So he cobbles together a compromise.... he speaks as if he will do the right thing (so that he can feel like a good person in the moment) but he doesn't actually do it
This also means that he can use your confusion to his advantage to get a bit more mileage out of his ruse

I'm sorry OP, you really do deserve better than this. You are doing amazingly though, you are just setting your boundaries and stating what you will.and won't accept. You seem like you are very mature and you obviously have been through some tough times before. I really hope this works out as you want it to.

Sorry haven't read all the comments but this man doesn't really want a committed relationship with you if he really did he would have moved in shortly after the pregnancy to support you.
It's just words look at his actions focus on you and your baby he sounds like a twat.

OP d9 not give the baby his name 🌺