Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why won't he move in?

299 replies

baublesforme · 12/12/2020 17:20

Will try to keep this shortish if I can! So I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now, I’m 8 months pregnant. It wasn’t planned but we spent a long time discussing wether we should continue with the pregnancy, we hadn’t been together long so it wasn’t an easy decision.
We both decided we loved each other and were happy, wanted to move in together and have this baby. Months pass and we have been happy, still living apart though at the moment.
We spend most of the week together, but weekends he goes home. We both have children from previous relationship, we’ve both met each other’s kids and all has been fine. He has his daughter who is 5 at weekends, I’ve suggested numerous times that he bring her and stay at mine, because the plan is once baby is born we we will all be living together, he will move in with me because it’s more practical. However it’s getting closer and closer to baby’s due date and he’s still not moved in, or brought his daughter to stay over.

I keep telling him he should be here living, his daughter too, for a while before baby is born so she settles in, but he just seems to brush it off, and won’t do it. I’ve asked him why and he doesn’t seem to have a reason, there is no practical reason why he can’t just move in.

He rings and messages me all weekend saying he misses me, Hates being away from me, but yet he’s choosing to be away from me? I don’t have my kids weekends, they are with their dad, so I’m often alone all weekend, especially at the minute with the restrictions in place.
I find it so frustrating! I don’t get it. He can’t give me a reason to not get on and move in. And I can’t think of a reason why he hasn’t!

We get on with each other’s kids, we both know how it will work financially when living together as it’s been discussed, we are both happy together, what reason could he be holding back?! He said he wants us to live together! I’m so confused. Not even sure what I’m asking here really... maybe some advice on getting him to get on with it, or at least tell me why he isn’t..

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 13/12/2020 11:41

Stop talking to him about him moving in, which is clearly not productive.
Just stand firm about him not coming over and see where things go from there.

Jenifirtree · 13/12/2020 11:55

He really wants all his own way doesnt he.

How about it is fine for him to stay at his at weekends for the foreseeable, but he still needs to contribute towards your home expenses anyway, as he is there more than not and costing you money?

NettleTea · 13/12/2020 12:01

Id tell him that 'fair' would have been him showing willing in regards contributing towards the outgoings for the last X months he has been housed and fed from Mon - Friday - towards the heating, the hot water, the FOOD, and also towards the fact that you are finacially suffering due to having to take time off work whilst carrying HIS child.

You have seen that although he may have bought the big items for the baby (which can be sold to get back some of the investments) the everyday costs and the family costs have not been addressed at all.

He is actively costing you money, and that doesnt bode well.

baublesforme · 13/12/2020 13:10

He has just messaged me saying "ok I get it, I'll sort it" but he's said that quite a few times now and nothing ever happens! He won't sort it because there isn't actually anything to sort, apart from his mind maybe 🙄

OP posts:
axile234 · 13/12/2020 13:18

Now sit him down. And show him what your up to ON HERE. Let him read the comments . If that don't bring him around . NOTHING WILL .

tenredthings · 13/12/2020 13:24

Are you 100% sure he's separated from his wife ? Have you ever spent time at his house ? Are you sure he's not pretending he's working away when he's staying at your house and going home to a family the weekend ? I do hope this is not the case OP but it sounds like he's spinning you along here and dodging the issue.

baublesforme · 13/12/2020 13:31

@tenredthings yes 100% sure that's not the case, we've known each other years, I know his ex wife, they are divorced and we had mutual friends before getting together. He's 100% going home and having his daughter weekends I don't suspect anything else

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 13/12/2020 13:32

ok I get it, I'll sort it

Translation: the mean woman is forcing me to move before I'm ready, I don't have a choice Hmm

And they say romance is dead.

Oreservoir · 13/12/2020 13:48

Definitely a part time cocklodger.

evenBetter · 13/12/2020 13:55

Never show anyone a thread that’s about them. Obviously. Terrible advice.
Enough of the ‘he said/he said/he said’, the focus should be solely on all of these kids who have endured a lot already, and the newest one. This bloke isn’t interested, he couldn’t be clearer.

GaraMedouar · 13/12/2020 14:08

Cocklodger 4 nights per week - he should have been contributing to rent/bills.

And definitely, definitely give the baby your surname. 100%.

TheSilveryPussycat · 13/12/2020 14:16

Absolutely Do Not Show Him This Thread.

BlueThistles · 13/12/2020 14:23

HE has the best of both worlds... and no financial output.. why the heck would he want to change that.... OP he is deluding you Flowers

MrsBrunch · 13/12/2020 15:16

The reason he doesn't want to move in is financial.

baublesforme · 13/12/2020 15:56

@MrsBrunch doesn't really affect him financially. He will rent out his house so has a income there, and pay a bit towards our house which wouldn't be loads really, just his share!

OP posts:
baublesforme · 13/12/2020 15:57

I won't show him this thread!

Well we've had words! He seemed shocked that I said I'd had enough!

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 13/12/2020 15:59

shocked that his cocklodging has been highlighted more like.

Hunnihun2 · 13/12/2020 16:03

@tenredthings

Are you 100% sure he's separated from his wife ? Have you ever spent time at his house ? Are you sure he's not pretending he's working away when he's staying at your house and going home to a family the weekend ? I do hope this is not the case OP but it sounds like he's spinning you along here and dodging the issue.
Honestly it’s odd that he had his daughter every weekend too. As a mother I wouldn’t want that so I never see my child on a weekend. Something isn’t adding up. While that set up is not impossible I think it’s unusual that a father is having his child EVERY weekend.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 16:05

Honestly it’s odd that he had his daughter every weekend too. As a mother I wouldn’t want that so I never see my child on a weekend.

To be fair that's the arrangement OP has with her own kids so probably doesn't think it's as unusual as it seems to most people.

Terribly unfair to have to do all the day to day parenting then not have the two days of quality time, is that something you can look at changing longer term with the other kids dads OP?

Butterymuffin · 13/12/2020 16:11

Ok, now you wait to see him make good on his word and 'sort it'. Don't run after him. Get on with life, make your plan for what happens when you go into labour (have you and he ever discussed how that would be managed, given you've both got other kids to care for too?) and give baby your name. You sound very together. He is the one who will lose out from not committing properly. Leave him alone to let that realisation dawn.

baublesforme · 13/12/2020 16:17

Well thankfully the kids do have holidays, and I do have them more in the holidays, and I do have them for an odd weekend sometimes if I plan to do something with them, at the moment it's just the arrangement, but yes I am looking to change this to every other weekend, and they go to their dads a bit in the week. As for boyfriends ex she likes all her weekends free so I doubt that will change, plus he does work all week.

@Butterymuffin I'm going to be induced before my due date so it's all planned out, my ex will have my kids, and boyfriends ex has said she would have their daughter, failing that, I have a mum and a sister that would happily help out with childcare if needed both are furloughed at the moment. So if I go into labour before it's not going to be much of an issue, I'm lucky to have the support network that I do

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 13/12/2020 16:33

That's good. And would your mum or sister be able to come with you for labour if he doesn't show up? Or are you stuck on your own with Covid rules? Hope all goes well Flowers

baublesforme · 13/12/2020 16:36

Yes my sister and mum have been my birthing partner before and my sisters actually gutted she can't be there this time as due to Covid I'm only allowed one person. Thank you.

OP posts:
momtoboys · 13/12/2020 17:38

I have been thinking about you since yesterday. I'm sorry you are in this position but he is never going to move in. Move on. Parent together as well as you seem to with the fathers of your other children. Trying to have a relationship with this man is a waste of time.

AgentJohnson · 13/12/2020 18:13

It’s significantly easier for men to say they want to have children when society affords them the convenience of low expectation. Essentially you agreed to have a child with a man you didn’t know very well and who sold you a version of a future he wasn’t committed to.

He’s now going to act the injured party, which he’ll probably use as a pretext for not doing the thing he didn’t want to do in the first place.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.